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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
alittleadvicepls · 02/08/2023 02:02

It’s not really your concern if new GF declines? That’s a choice she’s making so she’ll be excluding herself. So invite them both!

Sycasmores · 02/08/2023 02:06

Invite both. If new girlfriend declines that's on her. Dating a married man with older kids is tough but it's what she chose.

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 02:12

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

She’s a 31 year old woman not a child? Do you check every person you dare strike up a friendship with was in the same school year as you or something? Jesus. How sad as an adult you can’t engage with people who are older or younger than you. You must be really immature

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 02/08/2023 05:11

Invite both.

Served my family well that we didn’t push out exes. Two separate couple (one divorced, one separated for 6 years) ended up back together. Would have been way more awkward if they’d been pushed out of family events for the new squeeze.

Obviously I’m not saying that will happen with your set up.

But moral is invite & up to them who comes.

Ladysaurus · 02/08/2023 05:59

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 00:51

I’d invite them both and see if new girlfriend can be an actual grown up

It is all a bit awkward, but dating a bloke twenty years older with a whole history isn’t for the faint hearted. I’m her age, and at 29 this is exactly why i didn’t entertain older men with ex wives and big kids!

Ex SIL is your DC’s aunt. She will be part of your life as long as long as these generations of the family will socialise together, one day there will be drift - but that isn’t yet.

New GF absolutely shouldn’t expect to have ex wife round her flat for cups of tea or have to see her regularly regularly, but I think she needs to get a bit of a grip if she can’t attend a teen’s 18th birthday for fear of the ex and feeling awkward.

This.

If she want to date a grown man with previous marriage and children she need to suck it up and get over herself. She sounds like she's 18, not 31.

LightSpeeds · 02/08/2023 06:41

Invite them both and let them decide if they come or not (at least they can't feel bad about not getting an invite).

Doidontimmm · 02/08/2023 06:46

I was the ex sil & was totally excluded from everything except one funeral after 25 years. I no longer speak to any of the ex in-laws as it was all too upsetting. Even if I’d been invited and declined for my own reasons it would have felt better.

AppleCinnamonBagel · 02/08/2023 06:49

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

That's irrelevant to the issue and really none of your business.

romdowa · 02/08/2023 06:49

Invite them both , it's up to them then if they attend or not. The ex wife was your dds aunt for many years, the gf should be able to put any awkwardness to the side for the sake of harmony

RedHelenB · 02/08/2023 06:51

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/08/2023 00:46

Invite both ex and new gf, accept new gf's declining the invite with good grace.

This. If ex wife doesn't have a problem I dont see why new gf should. What would she do when the kids marry fir eg,

CapEBarra · 02/08/2023 06:55

This is an easy one for me. You invite everyone and they decide whether or not to go. Your ex SIL is your good friend and entitled to an invitation for that reason alone.

CapEBarra · 02/08/2023 06:56

This is easy. You invite both.

GoodChat · 02/08/2023 06:59

Definitely invite both and let them make their own decisions.

Has the new GF met the whole family if they've been together 2 years?

holdupholdup · 02/08/2023 06:59

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

Disgusting.. Really?!?! 🙄

invite them both and then it's on her not to come.

WrongNameMummy · 02/08/2023 07:01

HirplesWithHaggis · 02/08/2023 00:46

Invite both ex and new gf, accept new gf's declining the invite with good grace.

This. It’s simple.

WeWereInParis · 02/08/2023 07:05

Should we insist on both?

What do you mean "insist"? I'd invite both, provided that's what your DD wants, and let the girlfriend decline if that's what she wants to do.

BrookNoRivals · 02/08/2023 07:17

Be clear and open with everyone. Invite them all. Leave it to them to decide whether to come.

Imnoonesfool · 02/08/2023 07:18

Personally I would invite both and it’s her choice not to come.

I think (from my own experience) if you embark on a relationship with someone with children from a previous there are going to be many occasions where you are going to be around the ex partner if you want to have a Good relationship With their children. I know this relates to your daughter but your brother has children so if they are going to be together this is just one of those occasions where she will be in the same room as his ex. From experience it is only awkward to begin with, it soon becomes normal and if you are all grown up about it you can all have a great relationship

Totaly · 02/08/2023 07:20

You invite both.

The decisions they make is on then and not your concern.

They don’t get to dictate who can and can’t come.

Your brother is being very dignified in his response …

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 07:20

I was with you until you said this was a two year old relationship. That’s not a “new girlfriend” at all. Which reads to me like you tried to downplay it so you can get the answers to support you inviting the ex.

as this is a committed relationship I would invite him and his partner.

continentallentil · 02/08/2023 07:21

Invite them both

Let your brother broker it

Anothernamethesamegame · 02/08/2023 07:22

I agree with those saying invite both, then the ball is in their court to decide to attend or not. There is likely to be we weddings, baby showers, other big birthdays and christenings in the future they will both be invited to, so maybe it’s not a bad idea to start being in the same room now.

(with any luck the girlfriend will realise what she’s getting in to and leave to find someone else at her same stage of life and not with 20years of marriage and kids already done).

Thegrumpycup · 02/08/2023 07:23

Gothambutnotahamster · 02/08/2023 01:00

Invite everyone- then it's up to the individuals whether they accept or not!

This. Its not for you to manage everyone else's hurty feelings.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 02/08/2023 07:24

I’m excluded from all of my exH’s family events because his partner would find it ‘awkward.’ I was with him for 25 years, but I don’t get to celebrate with my nephews and nieces, my in-laws who were my family too. I wouldn’t be there to cause trouble. I miss my extended family.

I think it’s lovely to invite them both.

Blossomed · 02/08/2023 07:27

Another vote for inviting both.

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