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Original poster

Inviting my brothers ex wife not his new girlfriend...

241 replies

year12clueless · 02/08/2023 00:39

My brother and his wife of 23 years recently divorced. They have older teen children at uni. As far as divorces go it was amicable- there's always some hurt feelings but they've been very adult about it and are co-parenting amazingly.

Brother has a new much younger girlfriend (she's 31, he's 49) who seems lovely, who his sons like and who is trying really hard to integrate into the family. No overlap in the relationships.

My DD is 18 in a few weeks. I'm having a family party for grandparents, cousins, uncles and aunts. I would like to invite my ex sister in law. We're still very friendly- our children were born at the same time and we've parented them together, holidayed together and supported each other for the last 20 years. She's been a big part of DDs life as well. All our family and my husbands family know and like her as well.

My brother has said that it's entirely up to me and DD who we invite and he'll come regardless but that his new partner won't come if his ex is coming as she feels it could be awkward. He's said that it'll be hard on her seeing how well his old wife fits in with the family. She absolutely understands the situation and no pressure is being placed but I feel bad for her- she's lovely and her and my brother are very happy and it looks like she will be one day be officially part of the family.

-We want ex SIL to attend for good reasons
-Don't want to upset nice new girlfriend
-Brother feels awkward
-My parents are worrying that new girlfriend will think we don't like her. -And also that ex SIL will think we don't still love her.

  • Should we insist on both?

Honestly what would people do?

OP posts:
MistyMorningMelons · 02/08/2023 07:31

I'd invite both. New girlfriend can do as she pleases.

I'd definitely be Hmm at my 50 year old brother getting a 30 year old girlfriend, post breakdown of a 23 year marriage.

gogomoto · 02/08/2023 07:43

Invite both, if his now partner can't cope with the exw that's her problem. I've been the exw in this situation, the new (now ex) girlfriend wouldn't come because i was going to be there, in this case at a memorial party I think you could call it (funeral was under covid regs 30 max which I attended she didn't and she was pissed at that too despite having never met them!) My exh came without her.

I've also been to events with dp's exw there, it's fine, all adults in fact we have a good chat about his foibles

rainbowstardrops · 02/08/2023 07:45

Presumably the current girlfriend knew your brother was married for 20 odd years and has grown up children, so she knew what she was getting into!
Invite both because your SIL is your daughter's auntie and has been in her life since she was born, so of course she should be there. It will only be awkward if the girlfriend lets it be awkward. Alternatively, she could get a grip and act like an adult!

Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 02/08/2023 07:50

As a stepmum to 2 who regularly attends events with DH’s ex, and did so back on the days when DH was not at all amicable with his ex, I think the GF needs to just accept there’s a period of tummy flipping hideousness that everyone has to get through for the kids. It sucks, but she’s 31 so old enough to woman up, freeze a smile in place and power through.

I would, personally, perhaps reach out to the GF and say you’d really love to see her there. I don’t think that would be pandering but she will feel so awkward and - despite all you’ve said - like she can never match up to the ex. So it would be really kind of you did. Of course, lots of people would slam such a suggestion because MN tends to hate the new GF, but from a human perspective I fully get her discomfort.

But overall, she needs to find a way to be in the same space as the ex at events.

x2boys · 02/08/2023 07:57

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

WTF? 31 is very much an adult if she wss 18 you might have a point but 31 come on🙄

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 08:03

I’d invite the ex wife. She’s known your child her whole life.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 08:04

With that age gap, are there more kids on the cards?

Tessisme · 02/08/2023 08:10

I will add my voice to the invite both camp. They themselves can decide whether or not to come. That seems like the mature and fair way to deal with it. Grown ups making their own decisions. You say your brother has been with his girlfriend for two years. That's a not insignificant amount of time. She's hardly 'new'.

Tryingmuchharder · 02/08/2023 08:10

QueefQueen80s · 02/08/2023 01:05

Disgusting age gap. Such a cliche, couldn't he find a woman his own age

That's a whole different thread.

Nanna50 · 02/08/2023 08:22

Have you actually spoken to the new girlfriend or is this your DB who is saying she won’t come?

Could it actually be him that would feel uncomfortable rocking up with his new younger girlfriend where his ex wife and the whole family will be?

If not and it’s the girlfriend then invite them both but let your ex SIL know. What is the GF going to do at future family parties and weddings?

Jk987 · 02/08/2023 08:24

The new girlfriend doesn't need to come! They're not joined at the hip!

x2boys · 02/08/2023 08:26

Jk987 · 02/08/2023 08:24

The new girlfriend doesn't need to come! They're not joined at the hip!

Neither does the ex wife.

Morewineplease10 · 02/08/2023 08:27

Invite both and hope the GF doesn't come.

Not the point of the thread but WHY woukdxa young woman want to date a 20 years older guy - I just don't get it.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 02/08/2023 08:30

Invite both. Either of them can accept or decline the invitation.

If you don't invite the ex wife it will give new gf the idea that she can dictate who's invited to any other get together in the future.

EmotionalSupportWyrm · 02/08/2023 08:36

I've been the ex wife in that situation. Invite both.

I'm still a big part of my ex's family, get invited to weddings, birthdays etc. I was more than happy for ex and GF to be at events and once GF got over the awkwardness we discovered we really liked each other. She was then a great support to me during a health crisis with one of the dc - and now, many yrs down the line, we positively enjoy getting together and catching up.

RecklessBlackberries · 02/08/2023 08:38

I don't see an issue here for you. Girlfriend is the "problem" here, and even then she's not really being a problem if she's a nice lady and just politely declining to come because of her own issue.

"DD would like her Aunty ExWife at the party so we will be inviting her. We really like Girlfriend and would like her to come, but understand if she feels uncomfortable and we can catch up another time".

I can see why your brother has something to deal with, but that's a private matter between him and Girlfriend. You aren't causing the issue by being neutral and inviting everyone.

Sux2buthen · 02/08/2023 08:39

MistyMorningMelons · 02/08/2023 07:31

I'd invite both. New girlfriend can do as she pleases.

I'd definitely be Hmm at my 50 year old brother getting a 30 year old girlfriend, post breakdown of a 23 year marriage.

And? Your 'Hmm' would be and is irrelevant

FloweryName · 02/08/2023 08:40

I’d invite the ex wife first because she is the one who has seen your dd grow up. As long as she’s comfortable with the new girlfriend being invited then invite them both and new girlfriend has a choice.

Grumpigal · 02/08/2023 08:43

Surely you just invite them both with the subtle understanding that each will be there then you let them decide?

This is under the condition that SIL is totally happy with this, if she wasn’t then no I wouldn’t invite new gf.

It really is a non issue as far as your part is concerned- it’s not up to you to decide if new gf should or shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. Even if all the family and SIL are welcoming, she may still feel out of place and rather not come.

issue the invite via brother and ensure no pressure either way

Onedownonetogooo · 02/08/2023 08:43

I’ve been with DH 5 years . 2 babies .

When we met dhs ex had been part of family for 20 years. Great mates with DH’s parents , brothers and sisters.

I found it hard and at times frustrating that DHs ex was invited to every thing and it drove me abit mad / insecure . I never voiced this .
4 years later we are a huge family and my children call her aunty .

I now see that she has known dhs family for 25 years and she is there family .I won’t lie- at times I’ve felt slightly exhausted by it but now I’m over it !

Gymmum82 · 02/08/2023 08:46

Invite both. If the new gf declines that’s her problem. You want both there. Seems pretty childish of her to refuse to go anywhere where his ex might be since their split was amicable and no cross over

Sewingdufus · 02/08/2023 08:47

exSIL would be your preference, but who would your daughter choose? How would exSIL feel about attending with GF there? If exSIL can cope with GFbeing there then you invite both, warning each of the other’s invitation and let them choose.

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 02/08/2023 08:49

Surely this happens a lot. Invite both it’s up to them whether they come or not. I know I’d want my friend there…

CorylusAgain · 02/08/2023 08:50

Assuming your dd is happy to have both at her party, invite both. His ex wife has known your dd throughout her life. The new girlfriend would get an invitation out of courtesy to your db.

UWOT1 · 02/08/2023 08:51

Gothambutnotahamster · 02/08/2023 01:00

Invite everyone- then it's up to the individuals whether they accept or not!

This.

You invite everyone. Make them aware everyone is invited. Then who comes comes. They have to learn to coexist.