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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
Catsmere · 28/07/2023 12:02

I'd be banning her from sleeping at my house, too!

SeulementUneFois · 28/07/2023 12:03

You're very reasonable.
And I'd be looking closely at your relationship with your "D"P.

Are you sure that he's not taking advantage of you in other ways - such as being a cocklodger?

SeulementUneFois · 28/07/2023 12:03

And block his ex and her family.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
Xrays · 28/07/2023 12:03

I would be thinking adhd or autism (my son has autism). Your dp needs to get his head out of the sand and take her to the doctors. My son is prescribed medication which he’s taken since 4 - melatonin and high strength antihistamines with a sedative effect- and it’s changed our lives. He’s 11 and would still get up every 2 hours otherwise.

StillPerplexed · 28/07/2023 12:06

I think it's not unreasonable to look into medical reasons, to at least rule it out. I get how you feel, I hate my own sleep being disturbed, but this girl isn't being like this to annoy you. It's probably best to keep an open conversation and try to reach some kind of agreement about sleep. (Like, even if she gets up, she stays in her room at night.)

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 12:06

How often does she stay with you? Banning a child from her own fathers home seems incredibly harsh. It’s not her fault.

teachername · 28/07/2023 12:07

No it's not 'normal' and I would want to know how stepDD was during the day - does lack of sleep affect them? Reports from school over tiredness?

Also is this a new thing or has there always been an issue around sleep?

wendyjoy · 28/07/2023 12:09

She definitely needs to see her GP for a referral to sleep clinic.. unless she has ASD/ ADHD Then is normal ( l have four Grandsons on the spectrum who have odd sleep patterns and don't require as much sleep as neurotypical children.

user1492757084 · 28/07/2023 12:09

Not unreasonable.
Also not unreasonable for her father to take her to a doctor and research Melatonin or other sleep medication.

Seeline · 28/07/2023 12:10

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 12:06

How often does she stay with you? Banning a child from her own fathers home seems incredibly harsh. It’s not her fault.

It's not banning her, she simply goes home to not sleep

AuntieJune · 28/07/2023 12:10

That's bonkers and not addressing it is a (benign) form of neglect that won't do her any favours. It will impact her learning and development if she doesn't sleep.

She needs to see the doctor and I agree, there may well be an ADHD type problem there.

That type of sleep is like having a newborn, you get through that because you have to, I wouldn't just do nothing when she's 8!

Original poster
Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:11

Its my house not dp hence me calling it a sleepover and not visitation. He would usually have her at his parents house but they have also refused for her to sleep there, they’re in their 70s and can’t cope with her hyperactivity so I offered and now deeply regret it.
its 2 weekends on 2 weekends off plus occasionally once on week days.
She has huge black bags under her eyes but doesn’t seem to feel tiredness. She is hyper throughout the day too so you’d assume she slept well. I did consider autism or adhd but didn’t want to label unfairly if this isn’t the cause.
She’s supposed to stay this weekend and I’m absolutely dreading it, if she doesn’t stay here then dp will have to take her back home to sleep which won’t go down well with his ex. He’s a good dad but he hasn’t a clue how to deal with situations like this.

OP posts:
Eachpeachpears · 28/07/2023 12:13

It depends if you're banning her until help is sought or until it's resolved, the two are very different.
If it turns out to be health related you would have been very unreasonable so I'd say yanbu as long as you are open to helping resolve the issue once she's seen a GP

Redcliffe1 · 28/07/2023 12:13

Incredibly unreasonable. Why does her mum have to deal with sleepless nights when she has two parents. Try earplugs .

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:14

YANBU at all, she does need help, this is an unsustainable way to live for anyone really and I say that as someone who's youngest only sleeps in 1-2hr stretch due to ASD and medical problems, if I had somewhere to send him at night I would snap your hand off.

Gymmum82 · 28/07/2023 12:15

No chance. Her own grandparents won’t have her over. Put your foot down. Maybe this will push the parents to actually get some help for the poor kid. This is absolutely not normal or healthy

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:16

" He’s a good dad but he hasn’t a clue how to deal with situations like this. "

He's not much of a good one not being able to provide a home for her by himself and not thinking to take her to the GP, it's literally the first thing a parent would do in these circumstances unless he leaves it all up to the mother.

wandawaves · 28/07/2023 12:16

I think YABU to "ban sleepovers". Even to call it "a sleepover"... should she not be feeling like it's her home too? I think it's awful of you to essentially kick her out of one of her family homes.

But, you are absolutely not being unreasonable to say that the sleep is a huge issue and needs to be fixed. She absolutely should go to the doctor and a sleep specialist. Poor girl, she must be exhausted. It's also not unreasonable for you to put in rules about what she does when she wakes, she shouldn't be waking the whole house.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 28/07/2023 12:16

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 12:06

How often does she stay with you? Banning a child from her own fathers home seems incredibly harsh. It’s not her fault.

This. My own child is like this even with her prescribed sleep medications and will be until her review. She has no contact with her sad sadly, but I would be absolutely furious if he or any partner of his banned her from staying over. Her mum deserves a break for fucks sake. If a partner of mine ever suggested banning my child they'd be gone!

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:17

If I was your partner, I would either kick you out. This afternoon.

or I’d leave you

Seeline · 28/07/2023 12:17

Does your DP live with you, or just stays when he has his DD?

RedHelenB · 28/07/2023 12:19

Is it solely your house or does her dad live there too? I think yabu, your partner is her dad and needs to step up.

SunRainStorm · 28/07/2023 12:20

Does DP live with you?

If yes then it's her home too and you're unfair to ban her.

If not, then fair enough. He should be parenting her and he isn't.

I'd consider whether he's right for you. It's quite pathetic to only have her four nights a month and still struggle to deal with her.

Why doesn't he have his own place?

Dombasle · 28/07/2023 12:20

Something is wrong with the child. Whether it's learned behaviour from lapse parents not nipping it in the Bud and so she does it out of habit or just because she can or there is a health/medical problem.

She's eight and can be reasoned with at that age.

All toys should be removed and she be taken back to bed and small rewards offered for her sleeping through the night.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/07/2023 12:22

Horrible for you, as an adult woman, to blame a child like this.

Clearly it's not ideal, but if your reaction to any difficulty of disability is to get rid of the dc, or to be angry that they aren't being "told off" for something they can't help (people don't deliberately wake themselves up) they I think you probably should have a relationship with any parents or become a parent yourself.