Page 6 | Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

Jeffersdya · 2023-07-28T11:00:43+00:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night. She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat. She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum. Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off. I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing. I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night. I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens. Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’. What’s your take on it?

diddl · 28/07/2023 13:53

Oh Op please leave him.

It is an awful situation altogether.

Floppyelf · 28/07/2023 13:55

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 13:05

She’s a very smart girl for her age, her teachers have her at the level of year 6 students. She is very hyper in every situation and with every person in her life, she finds it difficult to sit still for long but when she does she will zone out and be difficult to communicate with. She’s always happy and smiling, just very exhausting to spend time with - I know this is extremely awful to say, but it feels like I’ve run a nursery on my own all day with 20+ toddlers. I never knew she was like this until the first sleepover, I initially thought the grandparents comments came from them being older and more tired, but now I can see. Her mum doesn’t care and lets her do what she likes through the night, it’s us that encourage her to go back to sleep which isn’t something she’s used to being told. If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it. Maybe in denial? She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

Nope you are 100% in the right. If the x continues to harrass you… report it to the police.

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 13:56

Obviously yabu. You can't "ban" a child from "her" house given her father is there. Would you boot your own child from your home cos she doesn't sleep soundly? What if you had an ex, would you boot your own child to your ex? Cos that's what you're proposing here. Truth is, you see this child as disposable, optional when she's not. You need to open your eyes to that and get out of this child's life before other more important issues crop up.

AxolotlEars · 28/07/2023 13:57

My daughter would be like this if she wasn't medicated for ADHD!

marblesthecat · 28/07/2023 13:59

Are some posters missing that OP's partner doesn't live with her? Why the hell should OP put up with this? I actually think it will be better for the child this way because as another poster pointed out, if her Mum has no respite she will probably be forced to take her to a dr.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 14:00

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 13:56

Obviously yabu. You can't "ban" a child from "her" house given her father is there. Would you boot your own child from your home cos she doesn't sleep soundly? What if you had an ex, would you boot your own child to your ex? Cos that's what you're proposing here. Truth is, you see this child as disposable, optional when she's not. You need to open your eyes to that and get out of this child's life before other more important issues crop up.

It's not his house, he lives somewhere else that is also unsuitable, convenient isn't it.

cestlavielife · 28/07/2023 14:00

Leave dp to sort it out
Dont move him in
He needs to get a suitable place
He can speak to the child s gp and teachers without ex
To get advice or he can get legal advice

If he wont act and on top dismisses your input or sugfestions then this is not the relatioship for you long term .
But in any case You have no parental responsibility and no say she is not your stepdaughter or legally anything to you and you not married

HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 14:01

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 13:56

Obviously yabu. You can't "ban" a child from "her" house given her father is there. Would you boot your own child from your home cos she doesn't sleep soundly? What if you had an ex, would you boot your own child to your ex? Cos that's what you're proposing here. Truth is, you see this child as disposable, optional when she's not. You need to open your eyes to that and get out of this child's life before other more important issues crop up.

The child's father staying overnight with his partner doesn't make it the child's house... It's not the partner's house either.
What a weird viewpoint.

NoTouch · 28/07/2023 14:02

Redcliffe1 · 28/07/2023 12:13

Incredibly unreasonable. Why does her mum have to deal with sleepless nights when she has two parents. Try earplugs .

Her mum also has the option to take her dd to the Dr to find out why it is happening. The OP doesn't.

It is unreasonable for the dad not to have her, but that is not the OPs problem in her home.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/07/2023 14:03

You need to open your eyes

I think you need to take your own advice and read posts properly.

Canthave2manycats · 28/07/2023 14:04

GiraffeDoor · 28/07/2023 13:07

You can't ban a child from sleeping at her dad's. It's no different from if her mum decided she'd had enough, and said you had to have her full time?!

Of course this isn't "normal" 8yo behaviour. Her parents need to get to the bottom of why this little girl is struggling so much. You're free to walk away if it's too much.

Read the thread!! It's NOT her dad's place!!!!

YellowBookPinkBananas · 28/07/2023 14:05

could your dp approach the school and see if they think there are any issues? I think it would be good for school to understand her sleep difficulties and it might back up the schools own suspicions if they think she could be ND. If mum hears that from the school she might be more receptive to having it looked into further.

People might not agree with this tactic but my Dsis has ADHD and was very similar waking constantly throughout the night as a child. My parents would get into bed with her when she woke - it isn't ideal but might be a solution to help her. My sis eventually grew out of it to some extent but even as an adult her sleep is horrendous which is very common in ND people. She just needed someone with her.

Canthave2manycats · 28/07/2023 14:07

Why are people so bloody stupid? If you can't comprehend what you are reading, it would be better if you didn't comment!

I think your partner's best approach would be through the school. No need for this child to keep suffering like this.

1993GoToo · 28/07/2023 14:07

By the sound of the mum, I bet if you did ban the child from staying over at yours that magically it would soon be ok for her to stay at your partner's shared accommodation.

Give it a try. Put your foot down and stop this ridiculousness.

Tlittle · 28/07/2023 14:07

I would ban over nighters until they slept for sure. Day visits no problem. Sounds like the parents are enabling it.

camtsaywho · 28/07/2023 14:11

Op . Why can't dad just take the child to the doctor himself ? He surely has parental responsibility and is therefore an equal parent . Just remove the mother from the equation. As she is clearly neglecting her child's needs

And if he doesn't have PR then he needs to get an application into the court pronto in order to get parental responsibility AND a specific steps order to get this child to a medical practitioner. Can do this himself doesn't need a lawyer. Costs £235. PM me if you need to know the steps.

Flapping his hands and saying
'mum will go batshit' is NOT good enough.

Make this the ultimatum for him being able to have his child sleep over . No GP /assessment then no staying . In fact if I were you I would apply that same treatment to him. !

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:11

The child still needs to be with her father though. Op is free to not want them in the house but either op accepts them both, or accepts neither. If I was the father I wouldn't agree to my daughter being "banned" from my gf's house. It's a package deal really. As much as many would like to boot step children out, irl, being a parent trumps or at least should trump personal relationships.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2023 14:14

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:11

Its my house not dp hence me calling it a sleepover and not visitation. He would usually have her at his parents house but they have also refused for her to sleep there, they’re in their 70s and can’t cope with her hyperactivity so I offered and now deeply regret it.
its 2 weekends on 2 weekends off plus occasionally once on week days.
She has huge black bags under her eyes but doesn’t seem to feel tiredness. She is hyper throughout the day too so you’d assume she slept well. I did consider autism or adhd but didn’t want to label unfairly if this isn’t the cause.
She’s supposed to stay this weekend and I’m absolutely dreading it, if she doesn’t stay here then dp will have to take her back home to sleep which won’t go down well with his ex. He’s a good dad but he hasn’t a clue how to deal with situations like this.

No. Not a 'good dad'

He and his ex are burying their heads in the sand and his daughter is suffering

Sleep is SO important for children.

Surely school have said something about her behaviour?

orangeyeahthatsright · 28/07/2023 14:15

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:17

If I was your partner, I would either kick you out. This afternoon.

or I’d leave you

Are you the stepdaughter? You sound about as mature.

Allthecatsandcosyblankets · 28/07/2023 14:15

Your DP clearly needs to get his own place, if I was in your shoes OP I would give him no choice.

DP and the child's mum have made it clear your suggestion of this perhaps being medical is unwelcome, so why should you be losing sleep every time she stays? They are her parents so let them deal with it.

I don't understand why they aren't taking this seriously and seeking help, it's certainly not normal for a child at 8 to be up all night..unless they are sleeping late into the day

HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 14:15

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:11

The child still needs to be with her father though. Op is free to not want them in the house but either op accepts them both, or accepts neither. If I was the father I wouldn't agree to my daughter being "banned" from my gf's house. It's a package deal really. As much as many would like to boot step children out, irl, being a parent trumps or at least should trump personal relationships.

If op's partner had sole residency I'd agree with you.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2023 14:16

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 13:56

Obviously yabu. You can't "ban" a child from "her" house given her father is there. Would you boot your own child from your home cos she doesn't sleep soundly? What if you had an ex, would you boot your own child to your ex? Cos that's what you're proposing here. Truth is, you see this child as disposable, optional when she's not. You need to open your eyes to that and get out of this child's life before other more important issues crop up.

It's not the DD's home nor her father's.

And he needs to get his head out from his arse and help his child

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 28/07/2023 14:16

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:11

The child still needs to be with her father though. Op is free to not want them in the house but either op accepts them both, or accepts neither. If I was the father I wouldn't agree to my daughter being "banned" from my gf's house. It's a package deal really. As much as many would like to boot step children out, irl, being a parent trumps or at least should trump personal relationships.

Should he also go NC with his parents? They have also said that she isn't able to spend the night at their house, because they cannot handle the sleepless nights.

OP, what a shit situation. Do not buy a place with him unless this is sorted.

He cannot be too scared of his ex to advocate for his child. If she wants to continue him having his overnight access she'll have to a) allow her to stay at shared accommodation or b) get the ball rolling with health care professionals to get to the bottom of what's causing these sleep issues. The child must be absolutely exhausted.

camtsaywho · 28/07/2023 14:16

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:11

The child still needs to be with her father though. Op is free to not want them in the house but either op accepts them both, or accepts neither. If I was the father I wouldn't agree to my daughter being "banned" from my gf's house. It's a package deal really. As much as many would like to boot step children out, irl, being a parent trumps or at least should trump personal relationships.

God this is so frustrating !!!

RTFT THIS IS NOT THE FATHERS HOME !!!

He used to see his daughter at his parents house. But as they could no longer cope OP offered. Now she is withdrawing that offer until ONE PARENT AT LEAST GETS THE GIRL SOME HELP !!

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2023 14:17

@Jeffersdya

I'm sure the ex's family is angry at you because now the ex will have NO respite from the sleepless nights and chances are they'll be called in as 'respite' for her. Not your problem. Block them all.

Your DP is NOT a 'good dad'. A good parent moves Heaven and Earth and braves all obstacles (including a screaming ex) in order to get their child the help they need. I'd have my child to a doctor and the hell with the ex's objections. Why isn't he putting the child first? And why is he using you to make things easy for him with his ex?

It's your home and you deserve peace. YANBU to say no more overnights until this situation is dealt with.

But all in all, this is a shit show over which you have no control (other than the no overnights) and I wouldn't find ANY man 'worth' putting up with in your situation. I'd break it off with him and be very clear exactly why.

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

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