Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. The parents need to take responsibility for this and get some medical intervention or some sleep clinic intervention for THEIR child. You are not being unreasonable at all to push this problem back onto them. Its not your problem that your DP hasn't found somewhere for him and his child to live where his inaction doesn't impact someone else. This is also not your problem to solve; its his. Step back and make them parent their own child. I wouldn't be giving up my sleep for anyone.

Your partner needs to sort this op. It's not fair on you.

And I agree with pps wrt autism. My son has this sleep pattern too. Melatonin helps him drop off , but he still wakes a lot.

Your partner needs to get his own place.

Well, clearly the boyfriend can’t kick the OP out of her own house, but him leaving sounds like an excellent idea.

He can go and stand on his own two feed, provide a house for him and his daughter and do some parenting.

A committed relationship doesn't have to involve living together, nor taking on parental responsibilities for other people's children. People can have committed relationships and live in separate buildings.

Kick her out of her own house? Did you read the thread? It is her house and he just stays there.

She has huge black bags under her eyes but doesn’t seem to feel tiredness.

In children, the symptoms of sleep deprivation are the same as the symptoms of hyperactivity.

This child needs to be seen by a doctor. It is her parents' responsibility to sort this out.

OP - your DP sounds like a shit dad and a cocklodger. You said you got "abuse" for saying sdd needs to see a doctor - what exactly happened?

Wow lots of odd comments…
thanks for the helpful advice offered. Dp does have his own place except it’s shared accommodation and his ex won’t let his dd sleep there, understandably. He stays with me several times a week but due to his work it’s hard for him to travel from here daily. I agreed to the sleepovers because otherwise overnight visitations for him wouldn’t be existent, at her mums demand.
I never expected it to be so difficult at her age. I’m stricter in my parenting views and can’t tolerate poor behaviour. If it is health related of course I sympathise, but it doesn’t change the fact the poor girl needs help.
Dp is a good dad and he does get up with her in the night, tries to settle her, does everything a dad should in this situation, however he isn’t strict and lets her walk over him which frustrates me. Her mum won’t allow any whisper of adhd/autism and I had hours of abuse from her for suggesting such. Dp can’t take her to the doctor without her mums consent so his hands are tied in that sense. I don’t do any parenting for her, to make that clear, he does it all.
If I ban sleepovers he can’t have her overnight, if I continue then I will get angrier and resentful. We have a happy relationship and have plans to eventually buy somewhere together, but this elephant in the room is making me doubt everything.

No It’s not fair on you but equally, I’m not really sure you should be in a relationship and sharing a home with someone with a child (who is likely neurodiverse by the sounds of it) if you aren’t willing to accommodate their child. It’s as much your DP’s responsibility as his ex’s and tbh, he needs to start putting in more shifts (even if this means sleeping over at ex’s) as this sounds like utter hell for his ex to manage alone.

What is her learning and development like generally? Can DP arrange to speak to the school nurse? Usually Child Development Centres would expect to see ‘tier one’ support given by the nurses before accepting a referral for sleep clinics, medication etc.

What have school said about autism/adhd concerns?

Well since it’s her house I’m not sure how he could do that

If your DH has joint parental responsibility he can take her to the GP himself, although I agree it would be tough to do anything useful without Mum's agreement. I agree asking to get in touch with the school nurse could be a good starting point.

Both parents do need to stop burying their heads in the sand about this. It is absolutely not typical for an 8 year old to be up that much at night. If she cannot fall back to sleep, they need to be working with her on some routines for when she wakes. Reading or listening quietly to an audiobook, colouring etc. If she does have other medical issues, it won't go away without proper advice

By law, healthcare professionals only need 1 person with parental responsibility to give consent for them to provide treatment.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/consent-to-treatment/children/#:~:text=If%20a%20parent%20refuses%20to,for%20them%20to%20provide%20treatment.

I'm not saying it wouldn't cause a shitstorm, but if your dp thinks seeing the GP is in sdd's best interests, he does not need the ex's consent.

But he doesn't live with you op. Therefore he needs to take responsibility for where she stays on his access time.

X post

Dad can’t pick and choose the parenting bits he likes and doesn’t whether that is at your house or a hotel if he doesn’t have his own is another matter. Lack of sleep is probably also contributing to her hyperactivity. I can’t believe neither parent has sought advice poor child.

He's not a good dad, at all. He's ignoring an extremely serious issue and then blaming you for having boundaries as to what you'll tolerate in your own home. Also, she's not your stepdaughter, she's your boyfriend's daughter. You don't owe him anything in regards to parenting this child.

Why you're wasting your time with him is a whole other question. This relationship just isn't going to work because his daughter and your inability to see eye to eye about how she is raised isn't going to magically go away.

She’s a very smart girl for her age, her teachers have her at the level of year 6 students. She is very hyper in every situation and with every person in her life, she finds it difficult to sit still for long but when she does she will zone out and be difficult to communicate with. She’s always happy and smiling, just very exhausting to spend time with - I know this is extremely awful to say, but it feels like I’ve run a nursery on my own all day with 20+ toddlers. I never knew she was like this until the first sleepover, I initially thought the grandparents comments came from them being older and more tired, but now I can see. Her mum doesn’t care and lets her do what she likes through the night, it’s us that encourage her to go back to sleep which isn’t something she’s used to being told. If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it. Maybe in denial? She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

Apologies, have just seen your update re: DP having his own (unsuitable) accommodation. This is something he needs to sort out going forward one way or another, with or without you.

It’s not typical behaviour and I don’t think it can be treated as ‘bad behaviour’. This is a child who likely already has low self esteem and difficulties regulating her impulses and emotions. Labelling her actions as ‘naughty’, ‘disruptive’ etc. is likely re-enforcing negative ideas that she is already internalising (especially if her mum is adamant that she doesn’t have SEN and is creating negative associations with these diagnoses). Making her feel bad for something which she has little control over is potentially quite damaging to her relationships with her care givers and her mental well-being. It’s a bloody minefield and I don’t envy you at all, but ultimately these is a little girl suffering in the middle of this.

Your partner is failing his child, so is her mother. If he can’t see that this is not right given his parents reaction by not allowing it and yours by not wanting to be woken etc then he’s a bit shit really isn’t he?

I mean it’s not the norm for a child of that age to do what she does. To not try and be firmer and put boundaries etc in place to see if that works rather than just being up all night with an 8 year old is ridiculous why does anyone think this is ok. Obviously if consistent boundaries etc doesn’t work or makes things worse you would look to a gp appointment for another perspective possibly something else going on. But to just be like oh well she wakes up every 2 hours let’s live like this?!? I mean both parents must be utterly batshit!

I have a 12 year old with asd snd he can be up half the night, I lack sleep and it’s horrible he’s on melatonin and sleep plans, guided meditation all sorts to help him sleep. No way would I just sit back and accept he’s going to be running round the house all night without trying to at least intervene and help so everyone can sleep. I don’t blame you op for not wanting it in your home if you’re not sleeping.

This is her parents job to sort out and anyone who thinks it’s acceptable to just ignore this is nuts. It’s not your problem, if the parents were trying to help and actually doing something about it then perhaps you’d be unreasonable but I’d have her dad get a place where he can have his child overnight asap. He needs to parent they both do, it’s hard to admit/accept something might be wrong but it’s harder to let a child suffer because of your own issues!!!!

You can't ban a child from sleeping at her dad's. It's no different from if her mum decided she'd had enough, and said you had to have her full time?!

Of course this isn't "normal" 8yo behaviour. Her parents need to get to the bottom of why this little girl is struggling so much. You're free to walk away if it's too much.

If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it
He's an adult. He needs to be capable of withstanding the shitstorm for his child's sake. He's letting her down every bit as badly as her mother is, by capitulating to his ex like this.

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

Come ON, op. Why the fuck are you still a part of this toxic, nightmare crazy train? Fucking hell, your standards should be higher for yourself than this. Your partner is a negligent parent, his ex is a psycho, and your partner's parents are even giving you shit.

You should have walked away long before now. Don't you want a peaceful life for yourself? You really want to live this way? I can't help but think you'd have to be desperate for a man to put up with this bullshit.

I know! The poor girl, and poor OP who has done the appropriate thing and suggested getting medical advice, and apparently had her head bitten off for it

DSD clearly needs help and the sooner the better, not just for her health and happiness now but because poor sleep habits can be almost impossible to break in later life if it turns out that there’s not a particular underlying reason for them such as being ND.

And then OP basically gets told she’s awful here for not being prepared to shut up and deal with it. She can’t take someone else’s child to the doctor without permission.

It's very saddening that neither parent seem to want to acknowledge that this is an issue. What on earth is going to happen when she gets to stay over with friends etc or go on school trips?

He's far from a good Dad that he's not interesting in helping her. And it's not the OP's duty to solve - this child has 2 active parents. I wouldn't let her sleepover at my house to have that level of disturbance from an 8 year old.

But this is MN, most kids aged 8 on here are still co-sleeping and still BF'ing. I don't think you'll get many balanced replies, to be truthful.