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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 12:22

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:17

If I was your partner, I would either kick you out. This afternoon.

or I’d leave you

It is OPs house and it very much sounds as if she'd be better off without him anyway I'm struggling to see him as a good dad from the description on here!

This child's grandparents won't put up with her and yet they are attacking the op who isn't related to her, that's a bit rich . . . No?

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/07/2023 12:23

Do people even the thread? It’s the OPs home, she offered to have her as the GPs won’t. I wouldn’t be able to/want to deal with this either op. It’s for the parents to sort, not you. And it defo needs sorting..

AquamarineGlass · 28/07/2023 12:25

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:17

If I was your partner, I would either kick you out. This afternoon.

or I’d leave you

He doesn't own or rent his own place so if he leaves it will be to go to his parents who also won't have their granddaughter overnight so your point is stupid.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:25

He needs to get his own place with a bedroom for his daughter, he can't go around inflicting this behaviour on others AND not bothering to get the poor girl some help, even his own parents have had enough.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:26

AquamarineGlass · 28/07/2023 12:25

He doesn't own or rent his own place so if he leaves it will be to go to his parents who also won't have their granddaughter overnight so your point is stupid.

Show quote history

I’d be unemployed op?

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:26

Is he

endofthelinefinally · 28/07/2023 12:27

Her father needs to seek help for her, in his own home, not yours.
I would be questioning the relationship tbh if he won't seek help and support for his child. That is neglect.

SnowWhitesSM · 28/07/2023 12:27

The comprehension levels on MN is terrible, especially when it comes to step threads.

No of course YANBU OP. You've tried to help your bf out since his parents have banned sleepovers and now you can't manage it either. I wouldn't either.

Maybe the dds parents will actually take her to the drs and get this sorted now it will impact them both.

tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 12:29

SnowWhitesSM · 28/07/2023 12:27

The comprehension levels on MN is terrible, especially when it comes to step threads.

No of course YANBU OP. You've tried to help your bf out since his parents have banned sleepovers and now you can't manage it either. I wouldn't either.

Maybe the dds parents will actually take her to the drs and get this sorted now it will impact them both.

Not to mention the grammar!

purplecorkheart · 28/07/2023 12:29

Sounds like your dp needs to get his own place. I think if I were you I would be asking him to leave and no I would not be hosting his daughter.

Sprogonthetyne · 28/07/2023 12:31

While it's not on you, your DP is responsible for doing his share of overnight care. I'm not surprised the mum is unhappy with the prospect of him dumping all his overnight responsible. If I've understood correctly, your DP has his child 4/5 night a month, so the mum is living off broken sleep the other 25.

It's not your responsibility or the grandparents, but your DP needs to parent his child, even if that means getting his own place to do it. (As it sounds like he's currently muching off you & his parents)

tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 12:31

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 12:25

He needs to get his own place with a bedroom for his daughter, he can't go around inflicting this behaviour on others AND not bothering to get the poor girl some help, even his own parents have had enough.

Exactly, this is about a man doing anything & everything he can to wriggle out of fulfilling his parental duties.

HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 12:31

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 12:06

How often does she stay with you? Banning a child from her own fathers home seems incredibly harsh. It’s not her fault.

It's her Dad's fault that he's reluctant to deal with it.

MrsSlocombesCat · 28/07/2023 12:31

Your fella needs to get his own place so that he can look after her on his own. This girl clearly seems to me to have ASD/ADHD. There are medications for these problems. My son used to take Vallergan as a child, now he takes an antiPsychotic which makes him sleepy. If this issue isn’t resolved it will split you up eventually so point out to him that by seeing his daughter alone it will save your relationship. And if he won’t agree to that the. He HAS to get her to the doctor because this is not normal.

wandawaves · 28/07/2023 12:36

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/07/2023 12:23

Do people even the thread? It’s the OPs home, she offered to have her as the GPs won’t. I wouldn’t be able to/want to deal with this either op. It’s for the parents to sort, not you. And it defo needs sorting..

How do you know the boyfriend doesn't live together with OP? She hasn't specified.
OP if your boyfriend lives elsewhere, then yeah I think you can say no to sleeping over. If boyfriend lives with you, I don't think it's fair to say she can't stay.

Prelapsarianhag · 28/07/2023 12:38

Stand your ground OP. This man needs to get his own home to parent his child in. Some posters on this thread seem to have difficulty in comprehension.

HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 12:40

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:11

Its my house not dp hence me calling it a sleepover and not visitation. He would usually have her at his parents house but they have also refused for her to sleep there, they’re in their 70s and can’t cope with her hyperactivity so I offered and now deeply regret it.
its 2 weekends on 2 weekends off plus occasionally once on week days.
She has huge black bags under her eyes but doesn’t seem to feel tiredness. She is hyper throughout the day too so you’d assume she slept well. I did consider autism or adhd but didn’t want to label unfairly if this isn’t the cause.
She’s supposed to stay this weekend and I’m absolutely dreading it, if she doesn’t stay here then dp will have to take her back home to sleep which won’t go down well with his ex. He’s a good dad but he hasn’t a clue how to deal with situations like this.

Where does your dp actually live?

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:40

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:17

If I was your partner, I would either kick you out. This afternoon.

or I’d leave you

It's her house.

Op why does he live with you, was it his idea or yours? Why can't he get his own place or stay in a hotel when he has her?

HaddawayAndShite · 28/07/2023 12:40

He’s a good dad
Why is this line always trotted out when it’s clearly absolutely horse shit? He isn’t responding to his child’s needs, ND or not, that isn’t the sign of a good dad.

I agree with @SeulementUneFois with regard to the relationship. Why are you staying with a man who abuses you when you express concern for his daughters health? Why are you staying with a man who’s family continues that abuse to bully you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

HappyJoyousFree · 28/07/2023 12:41

Has your partner moved into your home or does he live with his parents and stay at yours? If you both live together in a relationship and he contributes then I think whoever owns the house on paper is irrelevant and yabu as it would be his home aswell and that extends to his child. If he doesn't technically live with you he needs to provide a home for him and his child and yanbu to set boundaries around 'sleepovers'. If this is a committed relationship though presumably you would move in together at some point and would have to manage the sleeping situation. My 16yr old has ASD and still doesn't sleep regardless of medication. As PP have said maybe some health assessment or parenting support for everyone involved in parenting so your boundaries are all the same and you're all doing the same thing when she gets up through the night

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 12:41

Redcliffe1 · 28/07/2023 12:13

Incredibly unreasonable. Why does her mum have to deal with sleepless nights when she has two parents. Try earplugs .

Why does Op have to deal with sleepless nights in her house?

wandawaves · 28/07/2023 12:44

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/07/2023 12:23

Do people even the thread? It’s the OPs home, she offered to have her as the GPs won’t. I wouldn’t be able to/want to deal with this either op. It’s for the parents to sort, not you. And it defo needs sorting..

Oh never mind, I must have cross posted with OP's second post.
So yeah I'd be saying no more sleepovers!

nobodysdaughternow · 28/07/2023 12:44

Your dp needs to get his own place so he can look after his dd.

This poor child clearly has other things going on. My middle dc has ASD and a similar sleep pattern. Blaming her for any of this is so wrong.

Your dp is fucking useless. Why is he letting his parents and his girlfriend parent his own child?

You shouldn't be enabling this fuck nut op.

Louoby · 28/07/2023 12:46

I would absolutely ban her from sleeping over too. If she can't sleep okay fair enough, but she's 8 years old and should understand the concept of compassion and be able to keep quiet so others can sleep.