Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP,

This is awful situation you have involved yourself in.

You have children?
Why would you do that?

Pure Jeremy Kyle scene.

Your partner is failing this child, as much as his her mother.

You are facilitating his failure, which is so wrong of you.

Step away completely and put your children and home first ahead of a shit show.

How you would consider moving into together is beyond me.

How can you find him attractive?

Your standards are very low unfortunately and your poor children are ultimately going to pay the price if you don't get your priorities straight.

Step away from him and this situation.

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’.

I wouldn’t have given her my phone number. Block her now and call the police if she threatens you again.

his ex won’t let his dd sleep there

That is her decision to make but it doesn’t make it your problem. Stop the sleepovers now-today- and I wouldn’t be moving in with him at any point…this will spiral out of control. They need to parent her between them at their houses-this has nothing to do with you.

Wow.

Do NOT buy a place with this man.

Does he contribute to your bills given he's using your home for visitation?

Also- what kind of custody arrangement means a father is prohibited from taking his own child to the GP without the mother's permission? I call bullshit on that.

Is that even true? I've never heard of it. If it is, then what is the background to him being banned from making such a basic decision in relation to his child? That is a massive red flag for me.

Why is he in a house sit/living with his parents/squatting at his girlfriend's house. He's old enough to have an eight year old child- why doesn't he have his life together enough to have a flat of his own and provide his daughter with a home?

Extract yourself from this sinking ship.

however he isn’t strict and lets her walk over him which frustrates me

Her mum doesn’t care and lets her do what she likes through the night

They’re both useless then. I had a weird phase of getting up to roam in the night when I was around eight. Still remember meeting my aunt having a glass of red wine and being asked what on earth I thought I was doing and to go straight back to bed this instant in a voice that promised consequences.

Are you sure this situation is the one for you? He’s demonstrably a weak father and he’ll be tethered to a woman ready to abuse you for life.

@Jeffersdya

Can you please stop saying your OP is a good dad?

A good dad would provide a suitable place for his child to live with him. If shared accommodation is unsuitable, he should be looking for something more suitable.

A good dad would take his DD to the GP when she needs help. If he has parental responsibility there is nothing the mum can do if she disagrees.

I’m divorced and I would do whatever was necessary (regardless of my ex’s feelings on the matter) if it meant helping one of my DC.

The fact he isn’t doing any of this speaks volumes.

You can buy phenergan over the counter at the chemists. I always tell them it's for myself to avoid complications, because they ask you so many questions! It's also called promethazine. ( dd is33 and autistic)
It's really meant for allergies or travel sickness, but works very well as a sedative. Hope this helps, OP

She obviously needs to see a doctor - I wouldn't bother with what a diagnosis might be. She needs to be seen about sleeping problems. You could try a gentle approach if you wanted to - go with her dad to pharmacy, ask if they have anything that might help her sleep. They'll surely emphasize need to see GP, even if they offer a mild OTC remedy to start with.

The rest depends what you want for the future of your relationship. You're not being unreasonable. But a diagnosis is unlikely to solve everything at once. So if you were trying to make things work, what could you do? Could she sleep downstairs, partner downstairs too, while you sleep in a room on your own, door closed etc? Have you always been a light sleeper and have you ever needed to change that? For some people, threshold goes up quite significantly with a little practice.

It’s the OP’s house !

I'd be running for the hills from this bloke. As lovely as he might seem, he's put you in an impossible position and it isn't going to get any better.

It's OP's house 🙄

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

this alone is reason to not have this girl back for sleepovers. Its time to take a step back from your b/f family and explain that promises to rearrange your jaw are not going to favour you having sleepovers now or in the future

OP be aware that some people just do not seem to need much sleep and do very well on 2 -4 hours a night. Mrs Thatcher used to get only about 4 hours sleep a night. I had to share a room with a very bright, attractive and successful person at Uni who simply did not seem to need sleep and kept light on all night etc! Nightmare.
Your DP's child may be like that - so doctors may not find cure nor may she grow out of it.

If I ban sleepovers he can’t have her overnight,

You are enabling him not to take parental responsibility for his daughter's needs. Why hasn't he provided a home for her?

It would be a terrible mistake to get a place together. I think you know that.
This problem will be far worse when she's a teenager; physically bigger, heavier, more feisty, independent, rebellious.

I haven’t read the thread but Cebra are a charity that also help children who have difficulty with sleep, they’ll ask for a sleep fairy etc they were very nice when I spoke to them about my own dd.

It's awful he can't provide a home for his own daughter and that probably contributes to her being unsettled. The mother is also presumably sleep-deprived and he's just absolving himself of any responsibility.

Where does your partner live? If its with you but he isn't 'allowed' to have his own child sleep over then he needs to reevaluate the relationship and get a place of his own where he can parent his child properly.

Apologies, the charity is called cerebra! You can Google their sleep service for more info @Jeffersdya its worth your DP contacting them! My child’s paediatrician is the one to passed me onto them but you make the referral yourself buy filling out an online form or giving them a ring.

The child's mother has behaved terribly but to be honest if I was years into handling daily sleep deprivation alone while my child's father saw her maybe TWICE A MONTH and even then did so with the help and support of his parents and/or girlfriend- I can't say I would be all sunshine and roses either.

@GiraffeDoor that’s the point… it’s not her dads. She is not allowed to sleep at her dads. This is OP’s home, that the partner visits and where the sleepovers take place.

Well if she’s as bright as you say, she will understand you don’t wake others during the night. If she can’t sleep then she needs to be quiet when others are sleeping.

As her father also has parental responsibility, he will have a right to suggest his daughter take medication where required.

You are not remotely unreasonable.

I’d ban the pair of them from my house.

His wilful blindness to what is happening, plus his expectation that you tolerate it to make his life easier, is outrageous.

She needs help. He needs to bloody well do something. It’s not your problem.

But would you actively block him getting help for your child, having thus far refused to get her help yourself?

Neither parent are doing anything to try and see what is behind this so aren’t good parents. This is very unusual behaviour for an 8YO. Sleep is a need. They are both failing as parents because they are not doing everything they can to ensure the child’s needs are met.

Honestly OP consider pulling back his overnight access is not your problem to address.

Maybe if your DP says he cannot have his DD overnight as he has no suitable sleeping arrangements (if you and grandparents refuse and his own accommodation is shared) then it will force Mum's hand a bit regarding seeking medical help? Otherwise she herself will have no respite.

Fuck that OP. This isn't your problem and you deserve to sleep in your own home. Her Dad needs to step up and take her to a dr, as well as finding appropriate accommodation in which his daughter can sleep. This would probably be a relationship deal breaker for me if he pushed it. He also needs to set boundaries with his ex and if I was you I'd block all contact with her and her family if they are harassing you.