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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 31/07/2023 16:45

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:11

Its my house not dp hence me calling it a sleepover and not visitation. He would usually have her at his parents house but they have also refused for her to sleep there, they’re in their 70s and can’t cope with her hyperactivity so I offered and now deeply regret it.
its 2 weekends on 2 weekends off plus occasionally once on week days.
She has huge black bags under her eyes but doesn’t seem to feel tiredness. She is hyper throughout the day too so you’d assume she slept well. I did consider autism or adhd but didn’t want to label unfairly if this isn’t the cause.
She’s supposed to stay this weekend and I’m absolutely dreading it, if she doesn’t stay here then dp will have to take her back home to sleep which won’t go down well with his ex. He’s a good dad but he hasn’t a clue how to deal with situations like this.

Get his own place and parent her appropriately, Inc seeking medical advice.

Tell him she can sleep over if he pays for your hotel bill

SleepingStandingUp · 31/07/2023 16:47

Redcliffe1 · 28/07/2023 12:13

Incredibly unreasonable. Why does her mum have to deal with sleepless nights when she has two parents. Try earplugs .

Op isn't her parent
Her parent doesn't have a home of his own, hence HIS parents and ow his partner being expected to provide one

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 31/07/2023 16:59

I don’t blame you for dumping him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
Batalax · 31/07/2023 17:14

I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where an ex threatened me either, op. You’ve done the only thing you could by finishing it. How did he take it!

MeridianB · 31/07/2023 18:01

Well done, OP.

I can't believe your BF rang his ex and said something like "Jeffers is going on about doctors again". Why didn't he take a stand as her father?

Koalasparkles · 31/07/2023 18:37

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

Yes, the behaviour needs sorting. No, I don't think you can ban your partner's child from "sleeping over", otherwise known as her second home! 😶 your stepdaughter was there before and should be more important to your partner than you and you should probably understand that... if she isn't I would struggle to have respect for your partner tbh. Is this actually your house? Fine, you can make whatever rules you like, but don't be surprised if your partner chooses his kid over you 🤷🏼‍♀️ if you want to be a parent to this kid you need to understand that you don't just get to dump the kid as soon as they have behaviour that inconveniences you. If you don't want to be a parent to the kid, other people can judge that as they see fit

speakout · 31/07/2023 18:40

Does the OP's boyfriend live with her or his parents?

ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 18:41

Koalasparkles · 31/07/2023 18:37

Yes, the behaviour needs sorting. No, I don't think you can ban your partner's child from "sleeping over", otherwise known as her second home! 😶 your stepdaughter was there before and should be more important to your partner than you and you should probably understand that... if she isn't I would struggle to have respect for your partner tbh. Is this actually your house? Fine, you can make whatever rules you like, but don't be surprised if your partner chooses his kid over you 🤷🏼‍♀️ if you want to be a parent to this kid you need to understand that you don't just get to dump the kid as soon as they have behaviour that inconveniences you. If you don't want to be a parent to the kid, other people can judge that as they see fit

Show quote history

Wow. The arrogance of your post.

try reading the rest of op’s posts.

ivykaty44 · 31/07/2023 18:41

@speakout the op is single

Koalasparkles · 31/07/2023 18:42

Ah apologies, have just caught up on your other posts. OK, 1st post didn't read well. Your follow up posts make it make more sense 🤦🏼‍♀️ feel free to ignore everything I just said... except yes the behaviour needs sorting 😶

Koalasparkles · 31/07/2023 18:43

ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 18:41

Wow. The arrogance of your post.

try reading the rest of op’s posts.

Show quote history

I did 🤦🏼‍♀️

speakout · 31/07/2023 18:47

ivykaty44 · 31/07/2023 18:41

@speakout the op is single

That''s what I thought- in which case why is the OP referring to this child as a step daughter?

Summertiempo · 31/07/2023 18:52

SunRainStorm · 28/07/2023 13:48

The child's mother has behaved terribly but to be honest if I was years into handling daily sleep deprivation alone while my child's father saw her maybe TWICE A MONTH and even then did so with the help and support of his parents and/or girlfriend- I can't say I would be all sunshine and roses either.

But would you threaten to reanrrange Jaw of the girlfriend who was trying to help?

GabriellaFaith · 31/07/2023 19:04

Xrays · 28/07/2023 12:03

I would be thinking adhd or autism (my son has autism). Your dp needs to get his head out of the sand and take her to the doctors. My son is prescribed medication which he’s taken since 4 - melatonin and high strength antihistamines with a sedative effect- and it’s changed our lives. He’s 11 and would still get up every 2 hours otherwise.

Completly agree from my experience of this. It's taken years but my daughter now can regulate so she has sensory lights etc she out on when awake but she knows it's rest time and she can't wake us all up unless she's poorly or anything.

That aside, I don't think it's fair to ban her from sleepover parties (although 8 for a sleepover most places personally I feel is too young, just places she knows really well with people you know really well, like your mum maybe as you've done before).

Summertiempo · 31/07/2023 19:08

KangaRooMoo · 31/07/2023 12:00

Wow.

Yeah, it's not normal for a neurotypical child to sleep like this. Extremely common for a ND child though.

However, I don't think it's fair, no. Its not actually his daughter's fault or something to be punished for, and it's 4 nights out of the month. I feel like her Mum deserves a break and her Dad has a duty to chip in those nights.

I get it's your house. But either she's your stepdd, in which case you make accomodation, or she's your 'boyfriend's kid' (aka not that serious), in which case yeah you can do what you like but I'd be questioning how committed you are to her Dad and to wanting to blend families in the long term.

Mum deserves no consideration when she is herself violent with OP. Dont understand why people are telling OP what mum deserves when mother herself is creating problems and not letting her daughter get medical help.

Oatycookies · 31/07/2023 19:11

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

His ex is out of order and so is he - I feel this was a very smart decision. As I said, you’re best getting out of this circus and next time if you date go for a child free man!

jollygreenpea · 31/07/2023 19:23

Koalasparkles How about reading all the op posts before ranting

speakout Op doesn't other posters that have done that

jollygreenpea · 31/07/2023 19:25

Apologist Op does refer to the child as stepdd

speakout · 31/07/2023 19:40

jollygreenpea yes, the OP mentions step daughter in her first post.

I am curious as to why she uses that term.

She is neither married nor living with lover boy.

The child is not the OPs step daughter

Hibiscrubbed · 31/07/2023 20:28

Jeffersdya · 31/07/2023 11:56

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

Good for you, OP.

That poor kid has a weak father and a fucking dangerous lunatic for a mother. I hope someone helps her.

NewName122 · 31/07/2023 22:47

speakout · 31/07/2023 18:40

Does the OP's boyfriend live with her or his parents?

He lives in a shared house she said.

1993GoToo · 31/07/2023 23:29

Has the ex tried to contact you @Jeffersdya since you've dumped him? If only to apologize for putting you in such a horrible position with the kid's mental mother?

And how on earth does she know you phone number/ where you live?

momonpurpose · 01/08/2023 14:25

T1Dmama · 31/07/2023 15:02

People like stitchguru walk amongst us 😂😂

Right! Wow

Wheresthebeach · 01/08/2023 14:30

Good call OP. This is going to be an ever increasingly nightmare. It's horrible for the child, but her parents have to deal with her and your ex needs to step up and sort out the help she needs. As for the threats - that needs dealing with or your ex will never have another relationship in his life.

LolaSmiles · 01/08/2023 15:12

Thank you everyone, I’ve only just caught up with replies and appreciate all the advice and support.
we spoke about the issues and that she needs to see a doctor, he told his ex who came to my house and tried to be physical with me so the police were involved.
I called a day on the relationship.
I reported my concerns to the girls school so hopefully even with me now gone they’ll be able to support her.
the freedom I now feel is immense. I miss him a lot, but I’ll never date another man with children again.

Good for you OP. This little girl is lucky that you've been in her life and have looked out for her. She's got a bumpy road ahead with a lazy father and mother who seems to fly off the handle.

More women need to know their worth and know when to walk away from toxic situations.