Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

Sleep can be a big issue for kid with adhd. Dad could ask the school if they had any concerns about this. Wouldn't the mum like some support/ medication that helps with sleep? Must be exhausting

Read the thread, it’s not her dad’s place. It’s OP’s place. They do not live together full-time.

Op , your opinion clearly isn't welcome. So step back and just see the little girl for days out etc. My son's sleep is so bad that I wouldn't expect anyone other than members of my household to tolerate it. That means not having him stay at others homes overnight.

Both parents are failing this child. Your partner needs to be a grown up and initiate medical appointments, if this causes a shit storm with mum, so what. The child is more important than her

Oh wait, I didn't realise you don't live with your partner. Of course it's reasonable to expect him to sort out suitable accommodation for himself and his child - it's not your responsibility.

This man and situation really doesn't sound appealing. Would you just be better off breaking up?

He needs to sort out his own living arrangements. His child needs to see a doctor as there's clearly a problem.

I would probably raise a concern via the school and also social services as her needs aren't being met by either parent.

These two useless and dysfunctional parents are trying to offload their child onto you op.
I would keep detailed records of all the threats made by the mother, or should that be 'female parent'; she doesn't sound very motherly does she!

This

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’.

So you have a child whose health is being neglected by both parents, a boyfriend who won't parent, who can't even provide a stable home for his child, and an ex who is threatening you with violence. I'd be walking away from this mess to he honest.

Difficult situation. I think my 10 year old DD could be like this if I hadn't gone to a lot of trouble and expense to get her treatment and medication (melatonin -- but this girl sounds like she may need ADHD meds too).

We had to be much more rigid over bedtimes than other parents with DC the same age, discourage sleepovers, go to bed early ourselves, and tag team so we weren't too knackered.

I think you have two options. Split from DP, temporarily or permanently (you could agree to review after 6 months IF he takes her to the GP - it could take up to a year to see a paediatrician though unless he pays).

Or else he and his ex need to go to mediation to sort out a way forward and in the meantime no sleeping over. He can take her out more daytimes instead? There's another 4-5 weeks of summer holidays. If you're feeling kind, those days could be at your house. The problem is what do you do if Mum won't have her back at night...

Never mind the rights and wrongs, if a child has disregulated or unusual sleeping patterns, changing house isn't likely to help.

I don't see the child being blamed at all - it's the parents' failure to tackle the behaviour.

And it's not her home either - it's the OP's.

Oh and block ex completely and if she comes to the house, call the police. Get a Ring doorbell.

Yep if I was the OP I’d probably walk away she is more understanding than me, not because of the child but the parents.

There was a interesting program on TV a few years ago with children being assisted by a sleep specialist, sounds a similar scenario, they were diagnosed with ADHD and heavily medicated, once the sleep disorder was managed everything else fell into place and the children’s (and parents) lives were totally transformed and the specialist said sleep disorders are often misdiagnosed. I wish I could remember what it was called, off to Google.

If I ban sleepovers he can’t have her overnight, if I continue then I will get angrier and resentful. We have a happy relationship and have plans to eventually buy somewhere together, but this elephant in the room is making me doubt everything.

Ban them.

Do not buy a place together.

Surely you can see the writing on the wall?

ADDISS did a research report called "Sleep Seekers" but tbh all it established was that sleep difficulties run at 2 x average in the ADHD population.

The actual advice contained nothing special.

I would struggle to be with someone who was so negligent of his child’s basic needs.
She needs to see her GP one of her parents needs to take her.

Her father needs his own house and to stop sponging off you. Bet he doesn't pay bills etc?

This child has two parents involved and neither of them are stepping up.

It's not your responsibility to put up with and deal with the consequences of two parents who can't be bothered to parent.

Definitely don't consider buying a place with this man. Before long he'll try to outsource the parenting as well, and if you have children together there's likely to be issues because you've said yourself you're on very different pages. Do you want to spend your best years feeling on edge because of his and his ex's inability to parent?

Firstly I would try reading some sleep books to see if you get any useful information. Maybe blackout blinds or white noise would help. It seems she is unable to link sleep cycles together.

I think if after a few weeks there is no improvement and they are still refusing a docs appointment to check for ND then I would call a day on the relationship as I can't see it improving. You have done all you can x

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’
I think I’d be ending the relationship based on this alone. Is it really worth all the hassle?
The fact your partner is in shared accommodation and can’t have his Dd overnight isn’t your problem to solve. YANBU.

Her dad needs to take his turn. Her mum must be utterly exhausted (they should be seeking medical help too)

So he either needs to sort alternative accommodation or you need to suck it up.

Very unfair to expect his ex to do every waking night

As it’s not your dp’s home, your dp cannot expect you to have his dd overnight. He really needs to deal with his dd’s sleep problems and prioritise that over his relationship with you.

1. we learn we we go along. Ops partner was not given a special handbook on children and sen when his name daughter wash born. Also unless you have lots of dc and exposure to lots what you know with your own is your normal.

2. now op and his parents have clearly stated this behaviour is not normal and unsustainable, a proper plan to gp forward is necessary.

3. I find it hard to believe the ex doesn't also feel drained by the behaviour. Op i wonder how much she relies on this space given by sleep overs.
   Maybe that's the leverage.. We love, i love having her here but I do need sleep and he must take her too see medics otherwise no staying.

4. as jazzy be an states... There is any girl at the heart of this born... It sounds like into an absolute shit show of a family and being used a football in the family.

She cannot help how she is. She is not naughty. She is not deliberately doing this.
.She needs kindness and help.

Op.. I feel you drawing this line in the sand maybe the push he needs to push mum to get help. Can he speak to the school...

I would personally try once more nicely and then no more..

I would do that to protect my own mental health and my family but also to push partner to do something.

Fine for you to stop the sleepovers assuming your DP doesn’t actually live with you.

But the solution isn’t for your DSD’s mum to parent 24/7. Why is she obliged to provide somewhere for her DD to sleep whilst your DP is not?

Your DP needs to find somewhere to live independently instead of relying on his parents/you so that he can have his DD there instead.

Very simple.

He also needs to get her some help. If her mum won’t take her to the GP there is nothing stopping him.

This sounds like a lazy man passing off parenting his own child to the women in his life - his ex, you and his mum.

Your issue should be with your partner, not his ex or his DD. He is as much a parent as his ex, he hasn't addressed the situation or found adequate accommodation for his DC. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone so useless?