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Original poster

Gay son and younger siblings

192 replies

Findme23 · 21/07/2023 14:21

My son is 16 and has a boyfriend. They both kiss infront of my 7 and 8 year old sons. It's sometimes just a peck on the lips. Or slightly longer type kiss but nothing over the top . And they sit closely hold hands etc.

I have felt that my 7 and 8 year old are ok to see this. I have told them that all relationships are different, sometimes its 2 woman or 2 man or 1 of each. They don't make it an issue they do make silly giggle sounds and point etc . But that's no difference to if they was to see me kiss their dad . Just standard silly kid stuff.

I also want them to know different relationships are normal so they grow up with it and won't really question it or it be a thing when they are older.

Now ex feels the complete opposite that gay people should not kiss infront of children. It should be kept behinde closed doors. But he has nothing against gays .

Me and their dad were not living together. But we were still seeing each other. That is done with now . And he's not spending any sort of time in the house like he used to or the odd weekend like he used to. Kids have asked why. So far I have just said things like daddy is in a rush , to miss traffic. So you can see nanny faster and hings like that.

Just to add my older son is gay as well but he's very private so he would not display any noticeable effection anyway . He gets on ok with him

Is my thinking wrong ?

OP posts:
minipie · 21/07/2023 14:27

Are your kids not spending any time with their dad then? If not then he doesn’t get to have an opinion.

I think you are absolutely right to apply the same standards to a same sex couple as a heterosexual couple. I’m not sure if I’d want my teenager kissing their boyfriend/girlfriend in front of my younger kids, but it would depend on how they kiss and how often, whether the younger kids seem uncomfortable, and would very much be the same rule regardless of gay/straight.

RoseAndRose · 21/07/2023 14:27

About why your ex is flaky/late/unrelable?

Yes, I think being non-committal is good. You don't invent excuses for him, but say you're sure there's a good reason, remain in an upbeat toone and suggest they ask him when they eventually do see him.

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 14:42

minipie · 21/07/2023 14:27

Are your kids not spending any time with their dad then? If not then he doesn’t get to have an opinion.

I think you are absolutely right to apply the same standards to a same sex couple as a heterosexual couple. I’m not sure if I’d want my teenager kissing their boyfriend/girlfriend in front of my younger kids, but it would depend on how they kiss and how often, whether the younger kids seem uncomfortable, and would very much be the same rule regardless of gay/straight.

Yes they are seeing him just the 7&8 year old. It's just they now see him at his mums where he lives . That's gone on for a while . But he used to stay over at my place now and then. Or spend the afternoon when dropping them back. Now it's kind of rushed

OP posts:

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SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2023 14:45

You need to explain to them that you're not together, not just fob them off. If they think you're still together, what happens when he gets a gf?

Now ex feels the complete opposite that gay people should not kiss infront of children. It should be kept behinde closed doors. But he has nothing against gays . Well he clearly does have something against gay people of he thinks THEIR relationships need to be hidden away but heterosexual relationships don't
Is he your older two's father?

nasanas · 21/07/2023 14:57

Actually i would be suggesting your older son is a bit more respectful of other people.

There is no need for them to be kissing in front of anyone, irrespective of their sexuality.

nasanas · 21/07/2023 14:58

Posted too soon...

It's entirely possible for your DC to grown up knowing about all different kinds of relationships without actively seeing people kissing

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 14:59

SleepingStandingUp · 21/07/2023 14:45

You need to explain to them that you're not together, not just fob them off. If they think you're still together, what happens when he gets a gf?

Now ex feels the complete opposite that gay people should not kiss infront of children. It should be kept behinde closed doors. But he has nothing against gays . Well he clearly does have something against gay people of he thinks THEIR relationships need to be hidden away but heterosexual relationships don't
Is he your older two's father?

No hes not . He's just dad to the 7 & 8 yeah old

I think maybe I wrote my op really badly . We have not been together for a while. But we still used to do family things together. Or if it was a busy weekend he would stay over . Because ex threw a tantrum over my teen son being gay. The ex now does not stay. so no family days. I know thats not the (norm) but its what worked for us at the time and it was nice to do things as a full family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:01

nasanas · 21/07/2023 14:58

Posted too soon...

It's entirely possible for your DC to grown up knowing about all different kinds of relationships without actively seeing people kissing

Do you honestly think its bad for children to see people kiss. ?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2023 15:03

nasanas · 21/07/2023 14:57

Actually i would be suggesting your older son is a bit more respectful of other people.

There is no need for them to be kissing in front of anyone, irrespective of their sexuality.

I agree
DD doesn’t kiss her BF like that in front of us and her brother

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:05

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2023 15:03

I agree
DD doesn’t kiss her BF like that in front of us and her brother

Show quote history

So you would not kiss your partner in front of your children. I'm not talking omg get a room type kissing.

OP posts:
JadeSeahorse · 21/07/2023 15:08

nasanas · 21/07/2023 14:58

Posted too soon...

It's entirely possible for your DC to grown up knowing about all different kinds of relationships without actively seeing people kissing

Agree!

Reugny · 21/07/2023 15:09

Now ex feels the complete opposite that gay people should not kiss infront of children. It should be kept behinde closed doors. But he has nothing against gays

Ask your ex is either homophobic, controlling or both. You can surely work out which one he is.

I'm not talking omg get a room type kissing.

People have different standards/ideas on couples and people showing affection. It is nothing to do with their sexuality.

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:10

Do you honestly think its bad for children to see people kiss. ?

No, and neither did I say that.

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:15

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:10

Do you honestly think its bad for children to see people kiss. ?

No, and neither did I say that.

What did you mean then?

OP posts:
JayJayEl · 21/07/2023 15:17

Wait...so your ex "has nothing against gays" but he has stopped seeing his children regularly because their older siblings happen to be gay?! Your ex absolutely DOES 'have something against gays'. Your ex is a homophobic prick.

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2023 15:20

Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:05

So you would not kiss your partner in front of your children. I'm not talking omg get a room type kissing.

Show quote history

Quick peck on the lips I would but no more.
If that’s all it is with your son then fair enough

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:23

JayJayEl · 21/07/2023 15:17

Wait...so your ex "has nothing against gays" but he has stopped seeing his children regularly because their older siblings happen to be gay?! Your ex absolutely DOES 'have something against gays'. Your ex is a homophobic prick.

👍 he is still seeing them. But its all been changed. It used to be everywhere weekend. Plus he would pop over after work for a few hours. He cant do that now . And also uawe to get together as a whole family for days out now and then.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 21/07/2023 15:25

I think you're handling it perfectly

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:27

What did you mean then?

Exactly what I said. They should be more respectful. It's not difficult.

NoTouch · 21/07/2023 15:28

Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:05

So you would not kiss your partner in front of your children. I'm not talking omg get a room type kissing.

Show quote history

A quick peck hello and bye, or thank you for a gift etc yes. Quick peck when out (and drank too much). Romantic, lingering kisses as a PDA on a regular basis in front of the kids eh no. There are usually reasons people feel the need to kiss frequently in front of others and they are not healthy.

It's sometimes just a peck on the lips. Or slightly longer type kiss but nothing over the top .

What are we talking about here? A quick snog while watching TV with the rest of the family? I would find that disrespectful regardless of sexuality. That is the kind of things teens do with their mates in the room, not family.

nocoolnamesleft · 21/07/2023 15:31

I would assume that one should accept the same level of visible display of affection as if it was a heterosexual couple? Would your ex still object if your son were kissing a girlfriend? If not, then yes, he is being homophobic.

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:34

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:27

What did you mean then?

Exactly what I said. They should be more respectful. It's not difficult.

I asked you what you meant. In order for me to understand. No Need for rudeness

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2023 15:38

nocoolnamesleft · 21/07/2023 15:31

I would assume that one should accept the same level of visible display of affection as if it was a heterosexual couple? Would your ex still object if your son were kissing a girlfriend? If not, then yes, he is being homophobic.

This. No one wants to see anyone snogging out of context. But if the issue is that is two men, it's homophobia. DH and I might have a very quick kiss, if DD and her GF wanted to do the same, all fine.

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:38

I asked you what you meant. In order for me to understand. No Need for rudeness

What are you having trouble with?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2023 15:39

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:38

I asked you what you meant. In order for me to understand. No Need for rudeness

What are you having trouble with?

Respect is a slippery word. It means different things to different people. I use 'considerate' instead. OP may just want to know what your version of the word is.