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Original poster

Gay son and younger siblings

192 replies

Findme23 · 21/07/2023 14:21

My son is 16 and has a boyfriend. They both kiss infront of my 7 and 8 year old sons. It's sometimes just a peck on the lips. Or slightly longer type kiss but nothing over the top . And they sit closely hold hands etc.

I have felt that my 7 and 8 year old are ok to see this. I have told them that all relationships are different, sometimes its 2 woman or 2 man or 1 of each. They don't make it an issue they do make silly giggle sounds and point etc . But that's no difference to if they was to see me kiss their dad . Just standard silly kid stuff.

I also want them to know different relationships are normal so they grow up with it and won't really question it or it be a thing when they are older.

Now ex feels the complete opposite that gay people should not kiss infront of children. It should be kept behinde closed doors. But he has nothing against gays .

Me and their dad were not living together. But we were still seeing each other. That is done with now . And he's not spending any sort of time in the house like he used to or the odd weekend like he used to. Kids have asked why. So far I have just said things like daddy is in a rush , to miss traffic. So you can see nanny faster and hings like that.

Just to add my older son is gay as well but he's very private so he would not display any noticeable effection anyway . He gets on ok with him

Is my thinking wrong ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:42

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2023 15:38

This. No one wants to see anyone snogging out of context. But if the issue is that is two men, it's homophobia. DH and I might have a very quick kiss, if DD and her GF wanted to do the same, all fine.

Show quote history

Yes a quick type kiss. Not prolonged. I guess like a soft lipped kiss. And yes the kids have seen me and their dad kiss . It's never Been a problem.

OP posts:
GalileoHumpkins · 21/07/2023 15:42

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:27

What did you mean then?

Exactly what I said. They should be more respectful. It's not difficult.

There is nothing disrespectful about kissing someone you're in a relationship with in front of other people.

TheModHatter · 21/07/2023 15:49

ex feels the complete opposite that gay people should not kiss infront of children. It should be kept behinde closed doors.

Right, so he is explicit that it is gay people who should not kiss in front of kids, and it isn’t to do with levels of snogging that MNers may or may not feel are family friendly.

He is a homophobic knob, or somehow insecure in his own sense of masculinity that he can’t cope with men of a different sexuality.

Not much you can do about it, it is sad and shocking that he has cut contact with his children because he won’t be around your older son. I would be telling him that that is bad parenting.

But I wouldn’t be having him stay over etc.

Interested in this thread?

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16 year olds 8 year olds Families
LakeTiticaca · 21/07/2023 15:54

PDA's between any couple, straight or gay are embarrassing and cringe worthy. Tell them to rein it in

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:54

TheModHatter · 21/07/2023 15:49

ex feels the complete opposite that gay people should not kiss infront of children. It should be kept behinde closed doors.

Right, so he is explicit that it is gay people who should not kiss in front of kids, and it isn’t to do with levels of snogging that MNers may or may not feel are family friendly.

He is a homophobic knob, or somehow insecure in his own sense of masculinity that he can’t cope with men of a different sexuality.

Not much you can do about it, it is sad and shocking that he has cut contact with his children because he won’t be around your older son. I would be telling him that that is bad parenting.

But I wouldn’t be having him stay over etc.

Hes not staying anymore. But I do know he's blamed my son for the situation.

OP posts:
AsterixAndPersimmon · 21/07/2023 15:55

Stop tying yourself in knots.

You are not together with the father. Facilitating his relationship was very nice of you but you are separated and it’s totally ok for him not to spend hours at your house, let along the weekend.
It is up to him to organise the visits, make them nice to his dcs. And take into account the fact he is living at his parents.

Plus It’s another thing that you don’t agree with. You want to make a stand fur your own dcs (which I get!). You dint have to put up with him if you don’t want to!

As for the dcs, I’d just tell them it’s normal to spend less time together when you are separated. Ensure they have just as much opportunities to see their dad.
Oh and please tell them. At the moment, you are skirting around tte issue and it will be visible to them. That, imo, is more damaging.

As an aside, have you told your ex you’re unhappy about his stance and don’t want to si end time with him anymore? Wha5 dies he say about that?

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:56

LakeTiticaca · 21/07/2023 15:54

PDA's between any couple, straight or gay are embarrassing and cringe worthy. Tell them to rein it in

https://www.romper.com/p/how-much-pda-is-ok-in-front-of-your-kids-a-family-therapist-explains-6757703#:~:text=So%20the%20next%20time%20you,parents%20in%20a%20secure%20home.

Here's How Much PDA Is OK In Front Of Your Kids, According To A Family Therapist

We frequently hear that one of the best things we can do for our children is to nurture our marriages. When kids feel sure that their parents have an exclusive, loving relationship, it can anchor them with feelings of security and belonging. Healthy…

https://www.romper.com/p/how-much-pda-is-ok-in-front-of-your-kids-a-family-therapist-explains-6757703#:~:text=So%20the%20next%20time%20you,parents%20in%20a%20secure%20home.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 21/07/2023 15:58

Hoppinggreen · 21/07/2023 15:03

I agree
DD doesn’t kiss her BF like that in front of us and her brother

Show quote history

I agree too. Straight or guy they shouldn't be kissing in front of people.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 21/07/2023 16:00

But I do know he's blamed my son for the situation.

Dont tell your older sins about it.
If your younger dcs mention it, tell them that the reason is that you and their dad dint get on. You have too many differences of opinions and that’s why spending time together is off the cards. In the mean time, reinforce that being gay is ok, like you’ve been doing. What they see at home plus school etc… will be enough tbh. And they ll see their dad for who he is.

DisforDarkChocolate · 21/07/2023 16:00

Well he obviously has something against gays.

Hand holding, affection all fine with me. Kisses that are much more than pecks, I don't want to see anyone doing that on my sofa. However, they have far less safe places to be affectionate in than non-gay couples so I'd let a bit slide. Everyone deserves to feel safe

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 16:01

AsterixAndPersimmon · 21/07/2023 15:55

Stop tying yourself in knots.

You are not together with the father. Facilitating his relationship was very nice of you but you are separated and it’s totally ok for him not to spend hours at your house, let along the weekend.
It is up to him to organise the visits, make them nice to his dcs. And take into account the fact he is living at his parents.

Plus It’s another thing that you don’t agree with. You want to make a stand fur your own dcs (which I get!). You dint have to put up with him if you don’t want to!

As for the dcs, I’d just tell them it’s normal to spend less time together when you are separated. Ensure they have just as much opportunities to see their dad.
Oh and please tell them. At the moment, you are skirting around tte issue and it will be visible to them. That, imo, is more damaging.

As an aside, have you told your ex you’re unhappy about his stance and don’t want to si end time with him anymore? Wha5 dies he say about that?

He keeps going on about how he still loves me and stuff.. it actually does my head in. Because I can't love or be with someone who hates my child and blames him for the situation. There's no going back from this.

OP posts:
AsterixAndPersimmon · 21/07/2023 16:02

And lol about not kissing in front of other people.

It’s that sort of talk that make people in other countries think English people are uptight and repressed.
A kiss in front if other people is ok! We’re not talking about a full on French kiss here and the head up to sex. But a simple kiss.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 21/07/2023 16:04

He keeps going on about how he still loves me and stuff..

That is enough reasons to stop those stays, and weekends outings.
He needs to realise you two are finished.

He might get angry and nasty when he realises he really has no chance left.

Also very important for the dcs to understand that you are now forging your life separately.

JusthereforXmas · 21/07/2023 16:08

nasanas · 21/07/2023 14:57

Actually i would be suggesting your older son is a bit more respectful of other people.

There is no need for them to be kissing in front of anyone, irrespective of their sexuality.

Quick change the wedding ceremony.

Kissing has been deemed perfectly normal for couples for thousands of years, so much so its even expect you kiss in front of all your friends, family and 'god' in church.

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 16:09

AsterixAndPersimmon · 21/07/2023 16:04

He keeps going on about how he still loves me and stuff..

That is enough reasons to stop those stays, and weekends outings.
He needs to realise you two are finished.

He might get angry and nasty when he realises he really has no chance left.

Also very important for the dcs to understand that you are now forging your life separately.

Very true.

OP posts:
AnorLondo · 21/07/2023 16:09

Your ex is a cunt, and clearly does had something against "gays".

And people saying it's disrespectful to kiss in front of people, why? Why is it wrong for a couple to give each other a quick kiss in front of others?

Ponderingwindow · 21/07/2023 16:11

Mild pda is healthy and models positive relationships for children. A quick kiss, a hug, sitting together on the sofa are all perfectly normal couple behaviors, regardless of sex.

Children do not need the details of the cause of a breakup. At the same time, you are under no obligation to hide your ex’s homophobia.

Jongleterre · 21/07/2023 16:18

Regardless of both being boys.

No one should be kissing, snogging, dripping over each other in front of the family.

My cousins son at 15 had a girlfriend and they would happily sit their at family get together, mooning (gazing not flashing their bottoms) at each other and kissing if they weren't told to pack it in.

Original poster
Findme23 · 21/07/2023 16:19

Jongleterre · 21/07/2023 16:18

Regardless of both being boys.

No one should be kissing, snogging, dripping over each other in front of the family.

My cousins son at 15 had a girlfriend and they would happily sit their at family get together, mooning (gazing not flashing their bottoms) at each other and kissing if they weren't told to pack it in.

That's not whats happening

OP posts:
Holly60 · 21/07/2023 16:23

nasanas · 21/07/2023 14:57

Actually i would be suggesting your older son is a bit more respectful of other people.

There is no need for them to be kissing in front of anyone, irrespective of their sexuality.

Have you never pecked your husband on the mouth or a slightly longer (ni tongues) in front of your children??

Goodness my kids grew up seeing me and DH kiss (in greeting/departure) and cuddle all the time 😬

Holly60 · 21/07/2023 16:26

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:27

What did you mean then?

Exactly what I said. They should be more respectful. It's not difficult.

OP said her DS was pecking his BF on the lips or a 'slightly' longer kiss. How is that not respectful?

I think you've got some latent homophobia going on to be honest.

Holly60 · 21/07/2023 16:27

nasanas · 21/07/2023 15:38

I asked you what you meant. In order for me to understand. No Need for rudeness

What are you having trouble with?

The same as me. What is it that you would find disrespectful about OP' actions from her OP?

Could you spell it out explicitly for us, as I think we are both struggling

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 21/07/2023 16:33

Your ex is homophonic and disgusting. HTH.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/07/2023 16:33

No one is naturally homophobic. Homophobia is learned behaviour. You’re doing nothing wrong - the opposite in fact. If your kids have been raised to make no distinction between the viability or “normality” of straight and gay relationships, the homophobes will be the ones out of step for them. It’s a pity your ex can’t see this.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 21/07/2023 16:34

Findme23 · 21/07/2023 15:34

I asked you what you meant. In order for me to understand. No Need for rudeness

Show quote history

Ignore her; her post was contradictory drivel.

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