How could he cheat(update)

[howcanhedothis18]

Hi guys! Hope your all well. Just wanted to let the people that have supported me let them know I’m still hanging on there. Went see solicitors today went ok and also had some face to face with knobhead.

You're sounding very upbeat - and that's great considering what you've been through in the last couple of weeks. I think the involvement of SS will help you going forward - and, of course, a good solicitor.
Your relationship with your PILs is going to be like walking a tightrope for a while yet, especially with MIL appearing to cave in and support her son. I hope there's a reasonable distance between them and your grandmother's house; you don't want them popping in unannounced because you're no longer in a situation where that would be acceptable - for the time being, anyway.

I'm so sorry. But unsurprised at your MIL's change of heart.

I just want to remind you @howcanhedothis18 that you were warned by posters on here in the earliest days of this nightmare that your ILs were likely to ultimately side with him and not to trust them 100%
I say this in sorrow, not smugness.

BTW, if your MIL mentioned to KH that you're on mn, he could already be lurking on this thread, and getting advance warning of what's likely to happen next...

Does he know your GM's address?

Just caught up lovely. Your Gran sounds an amazing woman. Agree, watch what you tell Mil especially. Mine was a good woman but when the shit went down with her son and me, her exact words were he, s still my son. Hope you get work sorted out too, manager sounds a right clown. Remember this shit wonted last forever. You will come out the other side. Massive hugs.

Your gran sounds amazing op! Sounds like a great option! I agree that it's best not to say anything as if KH finds out, I wonder if he'd try to put a stop to the move. A fresh start is what you need.

@howcanhedothis18

I think moving to Gran's is a really good idea. Strong women need to lean on each other and despite what you may think or feel right now, you ARE strong! There is also plenty of room for you there and a 'fresh start' away from bad memories.

If at all possible I think it would be best that your iLs don't know where you are. You can tell them that SS/police/WA/'the authorities' have said that you need to keep your location a secret from 'everyone for the time being'. TBH, if I were MiL I think it'd be a bit of a relief to me to be able to say honestly "I don't know where she's living" rather than have to tell a lie. They can contact you by phone and you can make arrangements to see them at their house or the park or whatever. Don't have them at Gran's house, at least for now.

As a mother of sons, I can feel for MiL, she's being pulled both ways and her 'mother's heart' wants to try and 'save' her son from himself. But she's not entitled to do that at your expense. At this point, I know you love her, but you need to be very judicious about what you tell her. Not that I think she's going to run and squeal, but you don't know what may slip out or what she may decide 'if I tell him XX he'll straighten up and fly right'. You can't risk that.

You're doing great, you really are. And each day will be another step forward.

I think moving in with grandma is a great solution and yes would be clear with PIL you have been advised safety wise that for now you can't give them the address but can face time and meet them/come to their house with the children.

I think your MIL is trying to make sense of it all its not how she brought KH up or a side of him she recognises at all and it's easier for her mind to say he's ill etc then face reality at this moment in time that her son is a abuser.
That will probably change with time but it's easier to be an ostrich than face reality sometimes.
I'm not justifying her change BTW just seen it before.

You're doing the right thing. You will have more clarity and less emotional turmoil away from PIL - although your FIL has been truly fantastic.

OP you mentioned a difficult relationship with your mum, so tell grandma not to tell your mum that you're all living with her. Just in case your mum might tell KH. I'm not saying she's wanting to cause you trouble, but some people think DC should have their fathers in their lives no matter how awful those fathers are. So if your relationship with your mum is difficult don't trust her to have your back either. You can tell PIL you're "being moved to another location" and that you've been advised not to disclose it to anyone. It'll be good to be away from what sounds like a very toxic atmosphere.

Goodness knows how you're going to stop DC blurting it out to PIL though, they sound too young to keep secrets. Perhaps you can be "too far away to visit" until they're a little older. They can make cards to send to PIL or something, if that's safer. FIL deserves a big thank you bless him. They've all been so good to you, but I wouldn't mind betting the reason FIL and SIL kicked off at MIL is because she has form for making excuses for KH.

If you've got any of those trackers on your phone, switch them off. If KH is good with tech, get a new phone or get yours checked for spyware etc. Those accounts you couldn't get into, that's because he's gone into them with your old password and changed the password to a new one. You'll need to get onto whatever organisation runs the accounts and either get them restored to you or get them closed down.

Honestly sounds lovely to move in with your grandma!

If probably tell FIL where you're going but not MIL.

Hey guys thanks for all your advice, quick update- I’m moving on weds to my grandmas, haven’t told the kids where as they will defo tell MIL. Had a word with PIL and told them I’m relocating but I can’t tell them where as it’s for me and kids safety, FIL understood and just hugged me and said stay in touch and u know if u ever need a home you still have one here, MIl hugged me too but she said how am I going live without the kids, I said I will keep in touch and FaceTime everyday, she was sorry it’s come like this. I told her I’m not angry with her I understand that’s her son but I will
not accept his behaviour and she goes yeah I get it.
I have told work I am locating and they said they are glad I am trying to get this fixed and moving away sounds a good idea(thank his they understand now). I have appointment on Monday with SS. Solicitor said I will have to come back when attending court as it will be a stronger case if I turn up aswell. Really nervous how this is going to pan out, KH is going loose his shit when he knows I’ve left the PIl house.

Amazing update OP. I'm sure PIL will be happy to have the kids whilst you attend court etc.

Let him loose his shit, it's all the consequences of his own actions. He violently attacked the mother of his children, of course she'd going to get as far away from his as she can.

I really hope this is a new beginning for you.

It's a good move, OP, because your grandmother will unequivocally be on your side - unlike PIL, who understandably will have to wrestle with split loyalties between you and their son.
At some point, kh and/or PIL will probably work out where you are, but hopefully by that time you'll have a new support system local to your grandmother's house and will be able to cope, mentally and physically, with the ongoing flak from the divorce proceedings.

Excellent update. You, re so doing the right thing for you and kids. You, re stronger than you think. Very best of luck lovely.

I had a wobble last night, I missed KH!!! What the fuck is wrong with me???

This morning I have a much clear head but I’m really angry with myself, how could I miss this horrible man!! After everything he has put me and kids through

You were probably reminiscing about the man you thought he was. That man is long gone. He’s shown you who he really is. Stay strong.

I’m scared the kids are going tell PIL where we are staying when they call them in the week. How do I go about doing this? I don’t want to make the kids lie to anybody, I’m nervous as it’s a hard situation.

You're probably going through the grief cycle, which is very common after any major traumatic event. Its a misconception that it only applies to feelings following a death, it also applies to divorce, redundancy, any event in your life that has resulted in a seismic shift. The recent events you've gone through have definitely fallen into that category. Take a look at this:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/experiences-of-grief/

Also, whilst it's called a cycle, it's not a linear process, you can go through some stages at different points more than once.

Very few walk away from marriage or a long-term relationship and never look back. It's entirely normal to look back at the good times and feel a sense of loss."Sex with the ex" is apparently part of the mental process of dealing with separation and divorce, and sometimes it does involve divorcing couples getting into bed together, albeit briefly.

I read once a woman's account of spending the the night with her estranged husband, saying that no matter how much she wanted the divorce, there was something oddly comforting about sharing the same bed that one time - the feel of his arms, the luminosity of his watch - stuff that had been part of her life. She said it was oddly comforting in the midst of the turmoil of the divorce, but she knew she didn't want him in her life again.
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I was questioning myself after everything he has done, I was thinking am I rushing into this? How will kids feel moving away from friends, how am I ever going get over this

Your uncertainty is understandable; these are huge decisions you're making - not just for yourself, but also for your children, but it really does sound as if the move to your grandmother's house is for the best in the circumstances. Do you plan to stay there long term and send your DC to new schools?

The fact that you're even asking yourself these questions is good. You're weighing up your options and processing a very fluid situation. All very normal and understandable.

It's a complex and emotional situation, but the anchor to dealing with all of it is having a stable, peaceful, loving and supportive environment in which to process and heal. Your gran is offering that, your PIL can't. They are trying, but realistically they can't because KH is their son. Your old house can't offer that, because it will cause further conflict with KH. Your Gran is the best long term option.

The kids will have ups and downs, there will be tears and second guessing yourself but the difference is you'll be in a safe place to deal with it.

If you're panicking, go back to basics. Shelter, food, security. This decision ticks all those. That's what you need to focus on short term. Baby steps.

He is seriously out of control and clearly dangerous. There is a very real chance as if you see him again he will seriously hurt or kill you. He has already shown in different to his children's feelings. What makes you think he won't hurt them to get to you?

Regards DC phone calls with PIL. TBH I think you're going to have to supervise. This will be easier if it's one DC on the phone call at a time. Apart from PIL maybe telling KH your new location, you won't know whether KH himself is there listening in. DC will have to be told not to talk about living with Grandma (because KH can probably quite easily find out where Grandma lives), not to say what town, or what school, ideally not teachers names (an unusual name could lead KH to the school). So it's going to be difficult. All you can do is be there to listen in, try to steer the conversation to safe topics, be ready to jump in and say "we don't talk about that" if anything unsafe crops up and be prepared to hang up the call instantly if, for example, DC starts wailing "but why can't we tell PIL we live with other grandma?" because you don't want PIL hearing the end of that sentence.

It’s great you are moving to your grans - unfortunately blood is thicker than water and in-laws often turn like this

Press forward for a financial settlement asap as further children on his side increase his claim (but only once born)