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Original poster

How could he cheat(update)

466 replies

howcanhedothis18 · 19/07/2023 19:11

Hi guys! Hope your all well. Just wanted to let the people that have supported me let them know I’m still hanging on there. Went see solicitors today went ok and also had some face to face with knobhead.

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:17

@Beeonmyeyelash do you think I was hash? I just got so much going on I really don’t know what say to him. Feel terrible for him

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:17

Your right maybe he needs support he did just lose his mum. I can’t imagine the pain for him x

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:18

Do you think I sound silly if I tell him make a thread in here? I could tell him this helps me so much x

OP posts:
zooopta · 26/07/2023 21:24

No, I wouldn't suggest mumsnet to him. I think that is nosy. You are not his friend remember this. He has his own support. He's another victim but not yours so just give him what you feel he needs and that a that.

AutumnCrow · 26/07/2023 21:27

howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:18

Do you think I sound silly if I tell him make a thread in here? I could tell him this helps me so much x

Are you asking, should you suggest to your husband's OW's husband in Ireland that he starts his own thread in Mumsnet? I think there a number of pros and cons to weigh up in that dilemma.

Original poster
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:30

Yeah not good idea lol

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:30

Just feel so bad for him but your right I have my own shit going on

OP posts:
Agapornis · 26/07/2023 22:06

It's not your job to support him or give him pointers. I would not point him towards MN because you don't want him to find your thread, he might let it slip to the OW, and it may put prosecution of your ex at risk. Perhaps you can ask the police whether it's even wise to keep contact with him. If he pushes it, perhaps send something like:
"I know we're both having a hard time but I have too much going on to keep messaging. Perhaps you could get support from friends, or somewhere like Relate or CALM. All the best."

Agapornis · 26/07/2023 22:07

P.s. don't feel guilty. You owe men NOTHING.

Bananabedhead · 26/07/2023 22:37

Yes, I wouldn't mention to OW DH about MN. Just be brief and nice, as you have been, he will have a support network to and will need to rely on those.
Personally I'm inclined to think OW isn't pregnant as the pregnancy is so conveniently timed to give her maximum bargaining power.

ilikeeggs · 26/07/2023 22:38

Sorry you’re going through all this but you should be proud of yourself for how your handling everything.
I also don’t think the OW is pregnant, the timing seems very convenient. Who is she claiming is the father?

monsteramunch · 26/07/2023 23:34

Agapornis · 26/07/2023 22:06

It's not your job to support him or give him pointers. I would not point him towards MN because you don't want him to find your thread, he might let it slip to the OW, and it may put prosecution of your ex at risk. Perhaps you can ask the police whether it's even wise to keep contact with him. If he pushes it, perhaps send something like:
"I know we're both having a hard time but I have too much going on to keep messaging. Perhaps you could get support from friends, or somewhere like Relate or CALM. All the best."

I strongly agree with this.

It's not healthy to continue to speak to him, as much as it is very kind of you to do so. Because communications with him are all going to be wrapped up in the toxicity and trauma of the situation, opening the wound of it all and reminding you of the injustice of it all every time you speak to him.

Flowers
Beeonmyeyelash · 27/07/2023 01:00

howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:17

@Beeonmyeyelash do you think I was hash? I just got so much going on I really don’t know what say to him. Feel terrible for him

No I don't think you were harsh OP. I think that although OW DH is probably feeling lost and confused and is reaching out to the one person who he knows understands (ie you), that it's not necessarily appropriate for him to do that. You have your own shite to deal with and TBH it's probably worse than his shite. I doubt you have the capacity to support someone else right now. Your comment about closing down Facebook (so he couldn't contact you?) is entirely understandable. It was actually making me quite uncomfortable all the people telling you over and over to send him your evidence. Yes that is a nice thing to do, but it would have been ok if you didn't feel able to right now, whilst you're in the thick of it all. He is an innocent victim in all this just as you are, but his battles aren't your battles to fight. You owe him nothing at all. You made him aware of the affair, which a lot of people wouldn't have even done that much. I feel sorry for the guy, but it's not for you to support him if you don't want to. He can make his own decisions about his relationship. If you don't want to be in touch with him, or you don't want to go over everything that's happened with him, that's ok. He may not have heard of Mumsnet, that's why I suggested you could point him in this direction if you wanted to help him without being the one who helps him yourself.

Beeonmyeyelash · 27/07/2023 01:07

Agapornis · 26/07/2023 22:06

It's not your job to support him or give him pointers. I would not point him towards MN because you don't want him to find your thread, he might let it slip to the OW, and it may put prosecution of your ex at risk. Perhaps you can ask the police whether it's even wise to keep contact with him. If he pushes it, perhaps send something like:
"I know we're both having a hard time but I have too much going on to keep messaging. Perhaps you could get support from friends, or somewhere like Relate or CALM. All the best."

I didn't think about the OW finding OP's thread, that's a good point. I guess there must also be forums aimed primarily at men that would have people happy to advise on the situation, if he wanted support from a forum.

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2023 02:52

OW’s DH might need support, but I don’t think it would be in your best interest to go down that rabbit hole. I think it would absolutely mess with your MH and due to the fact that she is supposedly pregnant, could take longer to legally sort out than your side.
I genuinely think you should insist on drug testing before he is allowed to see the kids too.

Meeting · 27/07/2023 07:37

I agree that you're not in a position to support OW's DH. However he might be a good person to talk to, he is going through this at the same time and you might find that having someone to relate to helps you out. Even if you just want to rant with eachother about how shit they both are because sometimes you can feel like your friends and family get fed up of hearing it. Just a thought x

Agapornis · 27/07/2023 08:27

@Beeonmyeyelash perhaps somewhere like Reddit, r/survivinginfidelity seems okay.

@howcanhedothis18 if you think you might want contact with the guy in the future, perhaps you could send something like
"I know we're both having a hard time but I have too much going on to keep messaging right now. Perhaps at some point in the future. I hope you're getting support from friends, or somewhere like Relate or CALM. All the best."

Agapornis · 27/07/2023 08:37

Have you considered getting some therapy or similar support? Your GP seems supportive, perhaps they could refer or recommend someone/a service. Have a look at Victim Support's website, they have a few options. I think it could be useful in setting boundaries and rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence.

Shoulddomore · 27/07/2023 09:58

Agapornis · 27/07/2023 08:27

@Beeonmyeyelash perhaps somewhere like Reddit, r/survivinginfidelity seems okay.

@howcanhedothis18 if you think you might want contact with the guy in the future, perhaps you could send something like
"I know we're both having a hard time but I have too much going on to keep messaging right now. Perhaps at some point in the future. I hope you're getting support from friends, or somewhere like Relate or CALM. All the best."

I agree with this. I hope you're OK, OP. IF OW is pregnant, and it turns out to be your ex's then I'd imagine SS will be involved with them. You're best to stay out of it all and focus on you, you have enough on your plate.

Rogue1001MNer · 27/07/2023 10:58

Just be cautious about this thread, @howcanhedothis18
If KH were to see it, he'd know exactly what your thinking is, what next steps you're planning, etc.

So the fewer people in your RL who know about this the better. OW DH, for example might mention it to her, and she could tell him or stalk you herself.

Worst case scenario is it could affect court case.

You could consider asking mnhq to move this thread to The Other Place

DancingFerret · 27/07/2023 14:25

Rogue1001MNer · 27/07/2023 10:58

Just be cautious about this thread, @howcanhedothis18
If KH were to see it, he'd know exactly what your thinking is, what next steps you're planning, etc.

So the fewer people in your RL who know about this the better. OW DH, for example might mention it to her, and she could tell him or stalk you herself.

Worst case scenario is it could affect court case.

You could consider asking mnhq to move this thread to The Other Place

As a relatively new MN poster (months, not years) could someone enlighten me as to "The Other Place", please?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/07/2023 14:42

@howcanhedothis18

I agree that; 1-this thread needs to be YOUR safe place, and 2-you don't have the time or emotional energy to be OW DH's 'support person'. He needs to seek support from his own friends and family or find a forum on his own to use.

I don't think I'd make a big 'thing' about telling him to find someone/someplace else to rely on, I'd just start tapering off any communication and taking longer to reply to him. If that doesn't work then yes, I'd have a calm and quiet chat with him and say that 'both of you' have too much on your individual plates and that 'each of you' needs to find support elsewhere. If he thinks that you're saying it for the good of the both of you he may be less inclined to think he's being fobbed off. Which he is, but for good reason. It may also leave a small crack for future communication should you feel it needful for some reason.

As far as whether or not OW is pregnant and if she is who the father is, I'd stay as far away from that as I possibly could. There's nothing you can do about it if she is and have no 'skin in the game' as far as what decisions will be made. This is another reason to cut communications with OW DH. That whole situation is HUGE for him as a child's paternity is at stake, as it were. Naturally he's going to want to 'talk it out', a lot. You don't need that shit right now.

Time to focus 'inward', on you and your needs. Not 'outward' on the needs of others. As women we are taught that 'inward focus' is selfish and we must always consider the needs of others (outward focus) before our own.

KeziaOAP · 27/07/2023 14:59

@DancingFerret have sent you a pm.

Teapleasebobb · 27/07/2023 15:30

Think I'm missing something too, been on Mumsnet for over 5 years and never heard reference to The Other Place

Bananabedhead · 27/07/2023 15:41

I've been on for 15+ and never heard of it!

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