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How could he cheat(update)

466 replies

howcanhedothis18 · 19/07/2023 19:11

Hi guys! Hope your all well. Just wanted to let the people that have supported me let them know I’m still hanging on there. Went see solicitors today went ok and also had some face to face with knobhead.

OP posts:
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 18:30

Oh I don’t know, you have to laugh at this situation otherwise il just go crazy! I’ve opened a new bank account just incase I need it. I spoke to woman aid today just looking for advice after you guys mentioned them and thank you for that they were lovely. They said everything KH doing they have seen this before. they said once he can’t get his way and tried everything his last resort will be acting ill which he is now doing.
they said normally they would accommodate victims into a hostel but as I work this works out to be very expensive plus I told them I have good PIL and staying there. They advise I need move so KH has no idea what my address is but I told them I can’t have me and kids going into a hostel as we have gone through too much already. They will support me anyway and will also attend the court if I need that extra support

OP posts:
Meeting · 26/07/2023 18:30

tt9 · 26/07/2023 17:27

your manager is being completely out of order. I suggest you contact HR directly and put in a complaint and don't directly deal with her any longer until this situation is resolved. she is you causing you more stress and you really don't need that right now. doctors don't just sign someone off willy nilly.

I totally agree with this and calling ACAS.

howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 18:31

Sorry I’m so dumb but who is ACAS and what do they do?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 26/07/2023 18:33

howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 18:31

Sorry I’m so dumb but who is ACAS and what do they do?

They're an independent public body (funded by the govt) that gives free impartial advice on employment rights (to employees and employers). They are the go-to place for employment rights.

Contact details here:

https://www.acas.org.uk/contact

Contact us | Acas

Contact details for Acas, including phone numbers to call our helpline, training and other Acas services.

https://www.acas.org.uk/contact

howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 18:34

Social services rang me as they got contacted by police. I was so nervous and they said they could tell. They came over and I told them everything. They said PIL house is lovely and seems safe. They told me if I have any contact with KH this could mess up and I could lose the kids. They said kids are happy and are well looked after. I have to send them the copy once I have gone to court to keep them updated

OP posts:
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 18:37

They asked me how I am getting support, told them PIL and also mumsnet, they goes a lot of people get amazing advice from and it sometimes helps to vent and explain to a stranger better. Told
them you guys are the best thing xx

OP posts:
Darkandstormynite · 26/07/2023 18:40

You can request mediation through Acas when there is a communication problem between employer and employee. I would suggest you contact your HR department via an email so it's all documented. Explain the situation to them and say you'll be seeking external support from Acas to rectify the situation.

What's happening with KH and the Police?

Darkandstormynite · 26/07/2023 18:44

what did your PIL say about KH not being allowed near you or the kids?

howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 18:45

They said he’s got a court date to attend. To be fair BIl has told PIL but I haven’t asked. I just don’t want to know and they haven’t told me as they know it will upset me.
call me a baby but I don’t wanna hear about it at the moment I just want it all go away

OP posts:
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 18:46

MIL started cry when I told her as she said she feels so sad for the kids, FIL was more level headed and said to MIL if you saw what I saw u will know this is the best decision made in this situation.

OP posts:
Meeting · 26/07/2023 18:50

I'm so pleased that FIL was able to witness that and really has your back. Honestly not thinking about him is the best way forwards, focus on yourself and your kids.

Did you ever send proof to OWs husband? I feel awful for him after everything that happened with the death, then the cheating and now a baby he presumably doesn't know whether is his or not!

poppitypop1 · 26/07/2023 18:53

If you know your house insurance details check whether it has legal expenses cover. The policy might cover employment advice. I appreciate your ex may have this info though.

Acornsoup · 26/07/2023 18:53

Your work are completely out of order. Given they know the circumstances, even if they have an existing case (which it doesn't sound like they do) now is it the time. It sounds like your line manager is bullying you to return to work. Please make a formal complaint about that. If they try to finish you take it to a tribunal and you will at least be very well compensated.

The reason social services said you could loose kids is if you get back together and kids are on at risk register (which they will be now but not from you). As you have no intention of doing this you do not need to worry about it.

You are doing amazing OP. Keep going Flowers

Beeonmyeyelash · 26/07/2023 19:35

OP this is just some information for you.

If Women's Aid are saying you need to live somewhere KH doesn't know where you are, that's them saying they'll help you get rehoused. It means you're effectively homeless despite co-owning a property and being given temporary shelter with PIL. Homelessness, especially with DC and fleeing DV is pretty much a golden ticket for getting a council place. I don't know if you could go down that route from PIL house. Maybe not, because if you turned down a hostel to stay with PIL it might be seen as you accepting that KH knowing where you live is fine, which would mean there's no grounds for homelessness. Speak to Women's Aid about the situation in more depth to ensure you fully understand all your options and the implications of agreeing/not agreeing. I realize there's also the issue of you having to pay for hostel accommodation, so it's not an easy decision, but UC exists and private rentals aren't cheap either. In the long run at least social housing is a secure tenancy that would give you all stability after the initial homelessness part.

If you follow the homelessness route you'd get rehoused in a new area I expect, to reduce the chances of KH finding you if he went looking. This also means you'd have an obvious reason, relocation, for leaving your job. Which might eventually become necessary if they're behaving like it's your fault KH accessed your work computer. I don't know how they can say that, but whatever, it doesn't look like they're sympathetic to the situation and employment tribunals are expensive and stressful, which you don't need right now. So although you don't want to go into a hostel, please think about the long term, including your earning potential to afford private rental if needed.

Speak to your solicitor about the housing issue too. I know you might be granted the family home in a divorce settlement but equally divorce can take years. If you need to live elsewhere for safety, then a house you can't live in, and can't sell either, isn't a lot of use to you at the present time. Nobody expects you to justify your decisions on here, I'm just asking you to take advice from the various sources available to you and think things through in your own mind to be sure you're happy with your choices. KH is arrested at the moment, but he'll soon be out again and he sounds dangerous.

I'm glad social services have accepted this and are in agreement he shouldn't see DC. If KH comes anywhere near you call police immediately, no giving him a chance to speak or anything else. You can't be seen to be putting DC at risk by having anything to do with him.

As awful as this sounds, you can't trust MIL, she isn't truly accepting the situation and if you had a new phone number or address there's a chance she'd give it to KH so be careful what you tell her. Which means also being careful what you tell to anyone who might pass sensitive information onto MIL.

Bluebellsbells · 26/07/2023 20:00

You are doing so incredibly well, everything is being thrown at you and you are surviving at a time I don't think many would! Keep doing what you are doing, one day at a time.

The issue I think you have at work though may need attention ( but after you have finished your month sick note- they can not see you before then). I think it's not necessarily the email they are concerned with but how he accessed your work lap top to do it. I wouldn't mention you have a notebook with passwords in, that I fear is a GDPR issue. And in future I wouldn't ever write your passwords in a database place that isn't password protected. I would change all your passwords if you haven't already. If you can get your pil to get your work laptop I would.

As for quitting I would strongly rethink this. You need to show court you have a stable home environment (which seems like a big tick at pil home) but you also need to show you can provide (this might be topped up with uc) I would apologise to your boss, and explain you are under extreme stress and the circumstances of your life currently are incredibly difficult. Also say firmly that the email shows how difficult life is and you are greatly concerned about the lack of support from your employer. Also that by undermining the sick note too suggests that your health is of little concern. Explain that in a month you will be happy to readdress the email issue.

Don't burn your bridges- you may need to cross them at some point! X

Bluebellsbells · 26/07/2023 20:11

Oh I was thinking for proof- the email will be time stamped. You will have witnesses to the fact you were not home and you have reported it as a criminal offence. So the police should take statements from your in laws to stat you were at their home and the laptop was not in their home.

Rogue1001MNer · 26/07/2023 20:34

Another post similar to @Beeonmyeyelash, although about something different.

With your work laptop, you might want to check your company policy (which you probably had to sign to say you read and understood).
It will have been about keeping information confidential. It's probably called an acceptable use policy, or something similar.
If, for example, none of this had happened and it was the summer hols and your DC used your work laptop to do something inappropriate (emailed the md saying "willies and poo", for example), you'd be in big trouble.
In this circumstance, you haven't done anything wrong.
It's the difference between leaving company documents on the front seat of your car, when you're not in it, or being burgled and having something confidential stolen from your home.

You had a reasonable expectation that your work laptop was secure. And the police report backs up your explanation as to what happened

This is why you need to talk to ACAS. Because they can talk you through this.

Rogue1001MNer · 26/07/2023 20:36

Sorry, x-post with @Bluebellsbells x 2.
And they said it much better!

howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:00

Thank you for all your advices, taking this all
on board. I rang my manager bit long ago and apologised, she said I’ve never seen you like this. I explained that my world is upside down right now and I am going through hell but I expect my employers to at least hear me out and understand this has never happened before so I am clueless like them.
my manager also apologised and said she has spoken to somebody higher and they can’t do anything while I have a sick note(just like u guys mentioned) but I will have to come in a one point to explain it face to face and they will take it from there.
the password issue is that he only got into my emails and teams chat not any information on customers and stuff so that is a good thing she said. My manager did say as I had it also on my mobile it means I would of got a notification to say your accessing your emails. I told her I had everyone messaging my phone and at one point switched it off due to the harassment of KH and OW.

OP posts:
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:03

I just come from Tesco managed buy a couple of jeans and tops as last few days I’ve been looking a state!

OP posts:
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:06

I know you guys did ask me if I sent OW DH proof and the answer is yes I did as it wasn’t fair on the poor man. He messaged me back saying she has been hassling him and has told him she’s pregnant and if he doesn’t come from Ireland to talk to her then he will be cut off the kid life forever. How can KH and OW be so alike? It’s weird how they have lashed out on the people they have hurt the most, just don’t get it

OP posts:
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:09

I just messaged back saying to OW DH- im
sorry You are going through all this, il be honest I’m not having any fun here neither. I hope you get through it. I have no care in what OW and KH have to say and have no intention to ever speak to them again.

OP posts:
howcanhedothis18 · 26/07/2023 21:12

I really think KH is lashing out as OW might be pregnant and he knows he really has messed up now. He’s a crap dad so don’t know how he will deal with that. Kids are amazing they really just getting in with it, I’m so proud of them honestly. I feel like they know something is up but haven’t asked me and just keep giving me cuddles

OP posts:
Beeonmyeyelash · 26/07/2023 21:15

OP if OW DH is leaning on you for support and you don't really want to give it, you could direct him to MN and he could have his own thread here for support.