Is having a baby really that hard work?

[ithobsnnwnma]

I love babies and can't wait to have them but a few of my friends say it's such hard work in real life. I've babysat my cousins etc when younger so have some experience although limited I admit. What makes it hard?

I think you should offer to take your cousins baby for a weekend - she will appreciate this SO much and it's the quickest way to answe your question!

Having a baby is hard work. But so is going to work or living with anyone!
I enjoyed every minute of the hard work of bringing up my children. We went through tough times financially and times of ill health, but see my children as family and not "hard work" is rewarding. The sleepless nights go by quickly, like with everything in life, you just work it out.

Ha ha. I felt exactly the same as OP before I had my DC. Pregnancy is just a natural process so unless you're really unlucky shouldn't stop you doing anything- right? I'd worked with young children and done a lot of babysitting so knew how to change nappies, make baby food etc. I'd even read 'The Contented Little Baby Book' cover to cover and it was obvious that with a little bit of effort in planning a routine that worked for us the early years would be a breeze. I had a decent job (with maternity leave etc) and a supportive partner so quite clearly having a baby would be nothing but joyful.

In reality although my pregnancy was fairly straight forward I had terrible pelvic pain and indigestion (I cannot begin to describe how painful this really was) throughout. Which meant it was hard to sleep, work or function in general for several months before the birth. Then stitches, heavy bleeding etc to contend with. Not to mention sore nipples. All whilst feeling guilty for not being lovelier and enjoying these 'precious' times with a baby that would not sleep and screamed if not held at all times. The book did not have a chapter on this and baby did not do what the book said she would. Then just as things seem to be slightly better it's time to go back to work. Which means feeling guilty for not being with baby, and also made to feel guilty for leaving 'early' (ie at my contracted time) to collect baby from child care on time.

Then many years of worrying about whether your parenting is inadvertently letting your child down. There are plenty of people online, IRL, in the media, at school etc who will convince you that you are. If you don't push them enough will they miss opportunities in later life? If you push them too much will you harm their independence/mental health? If you are too strict will they rebel and go off the rails? If you are not strict enough are they destined for a life of crime because they had no boundaries as a child? If you teach them to be their authentic selves and celebrate their differences will they be bullied? If you encourage them to try to fit in will it damage their mental health? When should they be allowed to drink/have boyfriends over/go out late at night? What path will your decisions send them down? The one guarantee is that you will rarely feel you are getting it right.

Having said that, I am very pleased that I had my DC and they are amazing. But I suspect if I knew the reality of what I was letting myself in for I might have opted for puppies!

It's not parenting that's hard. It's parenting and trying to do other things at the same time.

@Comedycook apologies late reply…. I don’t think it’s a middle class issue, a lot of people are passionate about breastfeeding and want to follow the guidance. But it is very hard work. Personally I wanted to, but also had to as had endometriosis and prolonged breastfeeding helps with reducing it.

It is much harder for baby to break down formula vs breastmilk as proportions of casein/whey differ quite vastly and they aren’t evolved for it. Therefore formula fed tend to sleep more as their digestive systems are working a bit harder/they’re fuller for longer.

@SouthLondonMum22 you were incredibly lucky. Incredibly. You had a lot of support too to get back to work when baby very young.

My experience was more like, though not as severe as@Alloveragain3 DS woke every 45 minutes, had reflux, severe eczema and allergies. He cried. A lot…When he wasn't crying he wanted to breastfeed….He'd poo 12 times a day and bring milk up over 30 times a day.…Several trips to A&E…

Birth wasn’t a walk in the park either. I know there are a lot of Mums with similar stories to yourself so not discounting it happens. I haven’t known any personally, but then everyone I’ve met has bf or combi fed so that could be the key to it.

It depends where you are/who you’re around.

With my last I went to a baby class with other Mums in a posh area, only one bottle feeder and the rest of them basically ignored her while going on and on about breast feeding… which made me feel quite anxious when I was wanting to stop!!

Conversely, when with some of DH family I felt quite shunned for bf as they hadn’t in their time… wouldn’t sit in room with me or discuss anything to do with feeding. Fun.

Horses for courses as they say.

Final thought - DH went out with friends he hadn’t seen in some time. They don’t have kids. “You look tired” they said… he replied, “I haven’t slept properly in X years since the kids were born”… says it all!!

He went to nursery. Most parents use some kind of childcare when they go back to work.

Depends on the baby! But even a really easy baby (one who sleeps, eats and never gets colic) will need constant supervision for several years, my youngest was 8 before I'd nip out anywhere (and it really was a 'nip' maximum 15 mins). Then there are the temper tantrums the most toddles go through, and then there are the early school days when you pick them up from school and they are so tired they either scream at you or cry!
The early years are relentless. After a full days work, the work then starts again the minute you scoop them up from childminder or nursery. Of course if you earn enough to be able to afford a nanny that will take a lot of pressure off the rushing from pillar to post, or if you have very reliable family.
There is a very good reason that divorce rates are at their highest in the first 0-5 years.

Its not easy sleepless nights childcare Costs sick days off work cause little one is not well enough to go to school
Cost of raising them unless your well off
Never having a break

No, so long as you enjoy staggering through your days in an exhausted puke covered state.
Even better if you can go long periods without food or drink, love doing laundry, and have no nerve endings in your nipples.

@FindingMeno OMG the laundry. I never imagined that I would have sooooo much. I seriously considered us becoming nudists. 😁

Fuck this thread is depressing. I didn’t want kids as I thought all of these things that this thread shares. My partner persuaded me to have one and now I’m pregnant. I thought with us having money it would be ok, but I still had to go a therapist to deal with my strong feelings to abort and leave my partner of 17 years.

I feel like this thread is just taking me back towards antenatal depression.

wtf does anyone bother? I’ve always thought kids are just expensive, gross, annoying, and time consuming sources of constant anxiety that get in the way of independence and freedom and peace of mind. All my friends are child free for this reason. We all have fantastic, interesting careers, travel and hobbies. Came on here under another name and I was told I was a selfish monster for saying it, and that my partner should leave me.

Then I read threads like this and wonder how the fuck i was persuaded that having a kid is a good idea. I feel like I have just ruined my life, my peace, and my body, and likely my relationship is fucked anyway, so I may as well have just aborted and left, and stuck with my horses and career like I wanted.

I’ve got 2 children and haven’t found any part of raising them that difficult, even though I wouldn’t say either of them were particularly easy babies In terms of sleep and feeding. I was (still am) a SAHM with a great partner and financial security, which I’m sure all made things a lot easier than the experience some parents have. I was always able to find time to shower and eat. Reading many of these posts make it seem terrible but this wasn’t my experience at all. I loved that time in my life.

I'm currently in maternity leave with a nearly 6 month old, and I'd agree the baby herself isn't hard work (we got lucky and have a great sleeper and generally content baby). However, the emotional upheaval, the constant mental demands of researching/planning/considering, is just as exhausting as m C-Suite job.

In fact, I'm looking forward to going back for a bit of a break! Though, I'm sure I'll still just be doing all of that in evenings and weekends instead.

Agree with all of the above that it's the sleep deprivation that's the problem. Everything is difficult and emotional when you've not slept properly in weeks.

If my second baby was my first, I'd have thought babies were easy enough and wondered what everyone was moaning about. Luckily I had a non-sleeping baby to keep me humble first!

Sleep deprivation is literally a torture method. There's a very good reason for that - it's bloody horrible!!

From what little of parenting I've learnt so far it is hard, but the difficulty comes with that each stage has its own challenges and they aren't all experienced equally by all...That said, you quickly forget the difficulties and worries by the time you're onto the next set. Must be self preservation.

Relentless is the word

Yes… but your DH was happy and supportive about you to returning early and exclusively FF… and you could afford full time childcare. So that is lucky.

It depends on the baby and their sleep. Both of mine were incredibly hard work as newborns but we had a period from about 3-6 months when they both slept well and were easy. I remember asking one of my baby class teachers if my eldest had learning disabilities as she barely cried and I’d freaked myself out googling that. She was just a lovely happy thing. Once she became mobile she was still a lovely, happy thing they slept but she was bloody hard work during the day as she was walking by 11 months. My youngest was constantly sick from about 9 months old and never slept when ill. She has an easier going personality in many ways but the lack of sleep as an older baby/toddler nearly broke me. For me, maternity leave with babies (other than the newborn stage) was massively easier than having a non-sleeping toddler and an older child while working.

@marmite2023

Re: wtf does anyone bother?

While it can be the hardest job, it is also the most rewarding. You do become acclimatised to the difficult parts pretty quick and can get on with it. It is a deeper love than experienced otherwise.

I always wanted to have DC. What prompted me more so was gynae issues, and caring for several elderly, childless aunts…. They’d had amazing careers, friends, travel, all that… then were weeping in their latter years about how infirm they were, all their friends were dead/dying (long lived) and they had no direct family of their own. Reliant on more distant relatives. They lived 30yrs beyond the point of retirement/major travel/many of their friends… and I really didn’t fancy it.

You need to have some “mum” friends, a therapist and support right now as having a baby is quite life changing and if you focus on the negative you will discount the positive.

Everyone needs somewhere to let off steam and have a bit of a rant. That’s exactly what this thread is.

A thread asking what makes children rewarding would be twice as long.

Yes there are awful bits about having kids and some things I'd do differently if I had another (ELCS and not BFing for a start!). I also wish I'd got back to work earlier from maternity leave.

BUT it's your partner who is keen on having this child so I hope they're going to at least pull their weight. Are they taking shared parental leave as that really seems to help equal things up rather than the woman ending up doing everything on maternity leave and then it carries on? Don't become the default person to work part time or stop work - my partner is a SAHD because I travel for work as this works better for all of us.

We did the 'pause' method and our baby slept through from eight weeks which made a big difference to how I felt (compared to other parents at groups!). Buying in support from nursery and babysitters also helped, as did going back to work. Not just doing kid activities also makes a difference - DD slotted into our lives rather than our lives totally changing for her. It was more of a meeting in the middle. There are utterly amazing parts - curling up together both of us reading our own books is something I love!
Good luck!

Time will fly before you know it. Your grown up children will have memories regardless of wealth, it is about love and care. If your relationship is lacking in love, don't take it out on the kids, sort the partner out! Life is not about Me, me me it is about "us"!

One day, your kids very likely have decide which care home you will be going in! If you don't care for your children, don't expect them to care for you when they have grown up.

I found the baby stage easy but am finding the toddler stage challenging. Think it just depends on the baby.