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Original poster

Wedding on sisters 21st birthday.

209 replies

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 02:23

A family member has two daughters, one is getting married and has chosen her sisters 21st birthday as the wedding date. Apparently it was the only date available. My kids are close to the birthday sister, and a group of them were planning to tie a balloon to the birthday girls chair at the reception after all the formal parts are over. The bride found out and had their mum put a stop to it. I have just found out they have a surprise birthday party for the girl planned, all the cousins are leaving the wedding reception early and meeting at a friends house to celebrate the girls 21st. I told my kids they are causing a huge issue in the family, but they insist it’s only fair as the bride did this deliberately to stop her sister having a party. I can’t say I entirely disagree with them as the girl isn’t getting a party due the wedding. I am in two minds about it. I can tell on them and have it stopped, or pretend I know nothing. They aren’t leaving before the formalities are done, and plan to be discreet. But I imagine ten people leaving a wedding will be noticed.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 09/07/2023 12:12

Glad she got her birthday as she didn't get an 18th due to covid so least she got a 21st

Deny everything

Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 09/07/2023 12:13

JenniferBarkley · 09/07/2023 09:20

The birthday girl is the golden child, and the bride is painted to the whole extended family as being jealous of the birthday girl's beauty etc. The wedding date was the scapegoat trying to get some attention at the expense of the golden child.

Bride shouldn't have done it, but there's very clearly a complicated relationship at play here and OP is wise to stay out of it!

Show quote history

It’s exactly like Jennifer put it.

OP posts:
Marynotsocontrary · 09/07/2023 12:26

But you didn't exactly stay out of it if your kids were involved in organising it and you knew and yet didn't stop them. It does depend on kids ages, but if they were, say, teens, even older ones, I'd be feeling a bit responsible. It depends on the age of the kids but parents are responsible for their behaviour to an extent - especially pre-planned behaviour that you were forewarned about.

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Marynotsocontrary · 09/07/2023 12:31

If your own kids weren't involved I could understand the 'keep out of it' comments, but I think you said they were, and I think that's different unless they're well into adulthood

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/07/2023 13:55

Andylion · Today 04:02
I feel sorry for the birthday girl if she can't even have a bloody balloon on the back of her chair!

I feel sorry for a 21 year old who needs a ballon on her birthday.”

Why? Her 18th was probably during lockdown. Our youngest’s was so we’ll be making a much bigger deal of his 21st.

Motheranddaughter · 09/07/2023 15:15

Entirely up to the OPs children what they decided to do unless they are 10

Marynotsocontrary · 09/07/2023 15:23

Motheranddaughter · 09/07/2023 15:15

Entirely up to the OPs children what they decided to do unless they are 10

What utter rubbish!
You don't stop parenting and teaching your children how to behave at 10 years old 🙄

LimeCheesecake · 09/07/2023 18:10

Well no you don’t just stop parenting your dcs as they grow- but I was under the impression they were all similar ages (late teens/early 20s), so all adults. You advise an adult, point out any pitfalls or long term consequences they might not be aware of - then let them make their own choices.

like the bride made her own choice to prioritise a particular venue over family harmony by choosing to hold her wedding on her sisters birthday. It does seem she hadn’t considered that the event that could end up as more low key was her wedding rather than her sister’s birthday.

Marynotsocontrary · 09/07/2023 18:28

@LimeCheesecake I'm not sure of ages either as OP didnt say, but I'm guessing teens possibly. She just said the kids. I did say upthread that OP's responsibility was dependent on the kids ages, to which you replied it didn't "unless they are ten"? But now it seems we agree more or less. To be honest I'd still be strongly advising a, say, 18 or 19 year old not to ago ahead with the plan. Brains aren't fully mature until mid twenties and they don't have much life experience.

Nobody really knows what sort of choice the bride had re her wedding dates. People are assuming she picked the date to spite her sister, but maybe she hadn't a great deal of choice and hoped her sister would be happy to give way and help her out. We just don't know.

Paperairplane · 09/07/2023 18:36

If it's genuinely a surprise party, it's pretty shitty -- the sister will be put into a crappy situation that she hasn't planned. Even if my sister had been a bit of a twat and booked her wedding for my 21st, I wouldn't want to walk out of the wedding! Esp not with ten close friends/cousins. That's a really shitty thing to do - and it's not fair to land the sister of the bride with that decision half way through a wedding!!

Ponderingwindow · 09/07/2023 18:38

If the bride and groom want a big leaving moment, they are supposed to leave the reception before the end. Not everyone wants to close out the night and it is perfectly acceptable for guests to exit after key events like speeches, first dance, and cake cutting have all taken place.

Leaving at 9:30 was hardly sneaking out early.

Lakeshorelilac · 09/07/2023 19:53

Ah it was...for youngsters? Yeah it was.

Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 10/07/2023 00:31

The kids involved in organising it ages range from 17- 22. I couldn’t have stopped the party, but I could have told someone. The family has found out. The bride was upset but was told that’s what happens when you pick a wedding date that clashes with a family member’s milestone birthday. No fall out thank goodness.

OP posts:
Marynotsocontrary · 10/07/2023 01:15

But isn’t the bride being upset a type of fallout?

It really was a very nasty thing to do to her.

No, she didn't behave brilliantly either, but two wrongs don't make a right as the saying goes.
I don't really understand why the cousins couldn't have organised a 21st party over the weekend instead. Many/most people don't have their 21st party on their actual birthday...if it falls on a weekday for example. Whereas the only time to celebrate a wedding reception is at the actual reception. And they were missed from that, their absence was felt.

Anyway it's all done now unfortunately. Hope the bride will be okay.

MCOut · 10/07/2023 01:28

I think you did, all you could OP. Beyond advising them not to do it there wasn’t much you could do. Had you discussed it with other family members it may well have turned into a bigger incident than it needed to.

The dynamic between the sisters sounds unpleasant for the bride, but she can’t complain that there were consequences when she behaved badly. The situation was entirely of her own making.

Codlingmoths · 10/07/2023 02:11

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 10/07/2023 00:31

The kids involved in organising it ages range from 17- 22. I couldn’t have stopped the party, but I could have told someone. The family has found out. The bride was upset but was told that’s what happens when you pick a wedding date that clashes with a family member’s milestone birthday. No fall out thank goodness.

Umm what about the parents? Has no one said to them ‘if one of your daughters books her wedding on your other daughters 21st and you don’t even do a party for the 21st on another date then you should bloody well expect fallout, your daughters friends can see how unfair this was of you, and you got away very lightly on the fallout front. You are lucky they aren’t too nice to have boycotted the wedding to be frank. The only person you should be upset with here is you.’

Lakeshorelilac · 10/07/2023 02:20

There was a family dinner planned to celebrate the birthday. Not sure if this was a large gathering including the cousins etc or a smaller affair though.

FixItUpChappie · 10/07/2023 05:48

It's just a birthday ffs - you have one every year. Totally ridiculous that they can't just plan to celebrate it the weekend before or after. It is totally shit-disturbing to have some party for the sister the same day where guests will leave the reception early. I honestly think the bride should know because it will cause very hurt feelings indeed day-of.

FixItUpChappie · 10/07/2023 05:51

These 21 year olds are behaving like absolute brats.

^^This. Embarrassingly "me, me, me"

FixItUpChappie · 10/07/2023 05:57

Oh i just saw update - what horrible behaviour. I would not celebrate my children behaving like that at all.

veryfluffyfluff · 10/07/2023 06:07

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 09/07/2023 07:00

It was noticed as a lot of people left early. I think most were gone by 11. Bride didn’t get the leaving moment. You know running under an arch of arms.

Ah utterly ridiculous! The thing is if the bride and groom want a "leaving moment" they have to leave well before other people start to leave.

JenniferBarkley · 10/07/2023 06:25

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 10/07/2023 00:31

The kids involved in organising it ages range from 17- 22. I couldn’t have stopped the party, but I could have told someone. The family has found out. The bride was upset but was told that’s what happens when you pick a wedding date that clashes with a family member’s milestone birthday. No fall out thank goodness.

Urgh it just reinforces the golden child/scapegoat dynamic though doesn't it.

I know the bride kicked it off by picking a difficult date and then handling that badly but I feel a bit sorry for her if she's upset.

Has anyone been brave enough to tell the parents that it's actually their fault for creating this dynamic?

veryfluffyfluff · 10/07/2023 06:28

JenniferBarkley · 10/07/2023 06:25

Urgh it just reinforces the golden child/scapegoat dynamic though doesn't it.

I know the bride kicked it off by picking a difficult date and then handling that badly but I feel a bit sorry for her if she's upset.

Has anyone been brave enough to tell the parents that it's actually their fault for creating this dynamic?

Show quote history

I mean I get it. And she wanted "her day" but she really should have picked another day if she knew it was the same day as the birthday. This was always going to happen.

Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 10/07/2023 06:36

@JenniferBarkley It had been mentioned to the parents. I think them letting her pick the date she did was to try and make up for her always being second best but It will absolutely make the dynamic worse. I find it hard to feel bad for the bride as she is horribly cruel to her younger sister. Once the younger sister has finished university she will most likely move away to escape her. I think the cousins are just trying to make memories with her before she goes. But they have been told off for being idiots.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 10/07/2023 06:43

FixItUpChappie · 10/07/2023 05:48

It's just a birthday ffs - you have one every year. Totally ridiculous that they can't just plan to celebrate it the weekend before or after. It is totally shit-disturbing to have some party for the sister the same day where guests will leave the reception early. I honestly think the bride should know because it will cause very hurt feelings indeed day-of.

Do you come from somewhere where 21sts aren’t a big deal? Around here just about everyone has a big party. Except this girl as her sister decided to get married that day and her parents couldn’t be bothered doing a party. They had some family members over to dinner though, yay them.

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