Wedding on sisters 21st birthday.

[Weddingbirthdaydrama]

A family member has two daughters, one is getting married and has chosen her sisters 21st birthday as the wedding date. Apparently it was the only date available. My kids are close to the birthday sister, and a group of them were planning to tie a balloon to the birthday girls chair at the reception after all the formal parts are over. The bride found out and had their mum put a stop to it. I have just found out they have a surprise birthday party for the girl planned, all the cousins are leaving the wedding reception early and meeting at a friends house to celebrate the girls 21st. I told my kids they are causing a huge issue in the family, but they insist it’s only fair as the bride did this deliberately to stop her sister having a party. I can’t say I entirely disagree with them as the girl isn’t getting a party due the wedding. I am in two minds about it. I can tell on them and have it stopped, or pretend I know nothing. They aren’t leaving before the formalities are done, and plan to be discreet. But I imagine ten people leaving a wedding will be noticed.

They are choosing not to because the bride isn't even allowing a balloon at her wedding. It's the done thing to make a bit of a fuss.

The bride was very immature to book the wedding for her sister’s 21st. Not mature enough or experienced at compromising to be getting married imho!

If your daughters are adults stay out of it and plead ignorance. I get the impression this is a bride who is going to attract drama whatever they do.

I can also see this thread making its way around social media and creating a nice little family shitstorm either way! Are you sure you want it on here?

Good for them.
Control freak bride is the issue. No doubt there'll be fall out afterwards but so what? Too many adults acting as if theyre joined at the hip with siblings and family dramas. Hopefully the youngers will ignore it all and just get on with their lives

I'm in the UK and it's definitely not my experience that 21st birthdays are a big thing - other than being able to buy special cards

The OPs description of the family dynamic suggests this was intentional. Even though there would be in other circumstances nothing wrong with having a birthday celebration a day or two late.

I agree with previous posters, I would point out to your children that the bride's sister may not want to leave her parents, sister, new BIL, and other relatives she may not get to see very often on the wedding day. It is likely to cause a huge row, but the weight of that will descend on their cousin, not on your children, who will be able to skip off into the sunset leaving her with a mess that could take years to clean up.

The bride and groom have behaved very selfishly by not allowing even a balloon at the reception. Personally I would have had a cake brought in while everyone sang 'happy birthday to you' but I was lucky in getting married at a time when a wedding day wasn't 'our specialist, greatest, day of our lives, where everyone must focus on us and only us'.

We had a similar issue when we booked our wedding on the same day as my son in law's 40th Birthday. We had no issue with arranging a surprise cake and singing Happy Birthday at the reception which he was delighted with.
Family get together to celebrate things and the fact that two events can happen on the same day is a coincidence. So celebrate both with as many people as you can without causing a rift.
The bride in my opinion should acknowledge the birthday not just pretend it's not happening otherwise a few of her guests will disappear.
We were that busy speaking and seeing everyone that once the meal was over - we didn't see much of son in law anyway - and it certainly didn't anything take away from our special day.

It's sad that two joyful and celebratory events are in competition with each other when they don't need to be.

I’d be very upset with my child if they did this, birthdays are important in our family. It’s very sad as this is obviously going to cause a big divide among everyone, Elsie ally as the bride doesn’t seem to want to make any exceptions for her sister at all.

These 21 year olds are behaving like absolute brats.

There's no reason the party can't be the week before or after.

That said the bride and groom could have acknowledged it. The balloon in their chair was a nice idea. There could have been a toast and all the guests could sing happy birthday.

Some weddings read out football scores. Wishing a happy birthday isn't much to ask.

The fact that they're happy to leave the wedding early says a lot about the bride.

I'd leave them to it! She should have checked if her sister was happy to spend her 21st at her wedding.

Both sisters are behaving badly. The wedding shouldn't have been booked on that date without the younger sister's blessing. However, it's done now, and some compromises are needed!

The birthday needs marking in some way during the wedding - a separate cake and balloons for example - some kind of nice surprise. Turn it into a joint family celebration. Then the actual 21st birthday celebration with friends can be on a different date. After all, as someone else mentioned above, it's very common to have a birthday party on the nearest suitable date rather than on your actual birthday.

Actually I take that back, there's no suggestion the younger sister has done anything wrong. But her friends shouldn't be arranging to leave early with her.

Hahaha love this thread.

My two-pennies:
21sts ARE one of the bigger birthdays for all my friends and family (UK). The big birthdays are 1-18, 21, 30, 40, 50... etc. Personally, my group of friends all had much bigger 21s (whether it be presents, going out, hiring a party space, weekend party) than 18s. At 21 everyone can drink, and hold their drink, and it remains a really special year for me with all my friends clubbing together through the year for a big, lasting present for each of us. I'm 39 and I still have mine.

It WAS mean for the bride to select this date. There's always a choice of venues, you weigh up the dates, the cost, the feasibility of everyone getting there etc etc. She had other choices she could have gone for. My brother is getting married on the weekend of my 40th next year. He was really worried he'd upset me- he is very dyslexic and useless with dates so didn't realise when he booked. I think he was right to be worried, but actually I don't remotely care because I don't plan on doing anything, my old uni friends (all the 21 club) are going to do a long weekend at some point in the year as a collective birthday event.

I'm banging on about the old friends because I guess part of why they're still big in my life is that year of 21's. It felt an important age to us, and so I really do side with the 21yo in their feelings.

I think actively leaving the bride's party on the night is pretty mean-spirited back. I personally think there will be fall out if it goes ahead in its current form so you should let your position and knowledge be known and then duck out of it. They should not leave, they should do their own big party the next weekend (in addition the family dinner or whatever). The girl could maybe wear a silly sash saying 'birthday girl' at the dancing at the end of the day if she really wants to make a thing of it on the day. By that point the bridal party will be drunk or exhausted and probably really wouldn't care- the main part of their day has all been a dream.

Someone mentioned anniversaries and birthdays clashing going forward- yes absolutely, this is a consideration too! What a silly thing this bride has done!

Let them go to their party. Why would you plan your wedding on your sisters 21st?? There's no way that was only date available. If she was stuck on a certain venue then tough shit, she should have chosen a different venue.

Don't think any of my friends had big 21sts, they were the same as the other birthdays we had at uni. Maybe people who didn't go to uni had a different experience? 18ths were much bigger.

The only person in a difficult situation is the 21 daughter who's having a surprise(?) party thrown on them with no time to think through.
For everyone else, they can go to the wedding or not, they can leave whenever they like. That includes yourself and your kids.
I don't think running around telling people really helps reduce the drama, it sounds like school!

I hope you have changed some crucial details - a 21st on the day of sisters wedding has got to be pretty unusual and you have said not nice things about the bride. Think the drama might come sooner than you think.

I think the bride could have been a bit more thoughtful if her heart was set on having her wedding on her sister's birthday.

For many 21 year olds this year, their celebrations will be in place of the 18th birthday celebrations they likely did not have because of covid lockdowns.

As for whether a group should or shouldn't leave a wedding... that is down to their conscience and as they're adults, they can deal with any fallout. I imagine as a group including the birthday girl they would have had several conversations about the day being shared so will have some idea of the birthday girl's feelings.

It is selfish behaviour on the part of the bride and parents. It is clearly more than the only date as no mention is allowed if the birthday. At my wedding anyone who had birthdays in the previous or following week got a mini birthday cake at their setting for the meal. To refuse to allow the balloon means it isnt an accident

I don't get why the bride isn't allowing balloon and incorporating her birthday into the reception.

When I got married (small wedding 40 people) one of the children attending, child of DH's friends had turned 10 a few days before our wedding. We gave him a cake and had everyone sing happy birthday.

I don't get the obsession of no attention for anyone else

We don't know the bride's motivation and it does sound mean spirited not to allow the balloon. Having said that the birthday does not compare as a milestone to the wedding and everyone will be left feeling bad for evermore if this plan goes ahead. They are all very young and may not understand the consequences in the heat of the moment. I would strongly discourage this plan by my DDs , allow them time to consider and help them with an alternative 21st celebration. I would also talk to mob to see if balloon could be incorporated.

For many 21 year olds this year, their celebrations will be in place of the 18th birthday celebrations they likely did not have because of covid lockdowns.

i hadnt even thought of this! Of course.

What on earth is the issue here. What day is the sisters birthday/wedding? If the sisters birthday was mid week she would be celebrating on the weekend anyway either the one before or the one after. If the wedding is midweek people would go to a wedding mid week but no so much midweek for a birthday. This is ridiculous.

Maybe the bride did it on purpose or maybe she didn't who cares it's a wedding so I'm sure the bride can be given one day and the sister can celebrate her birthday another day. Perhaps the birthday sister can book her future wedding on the brides birthday or anniversary just to prove her point