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Original poster

Wedding on sisters 21st birthday.

209 replies

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 02:23

A family member has two daughters, one is getting married and has chosen her sisters 21st birthday as the wedding date. Apparently it was the only date available. My kids are close to the birthday sister, and a group of them were planning to tie a balloon to the birthday girls chair at the reception after all the formal parts are over. The bride found out and had their mum put a stop to it. I have just found out they have a surprise birthday party for the girl planned, all the cousins are leaving the wedding reception early and meeting at a friends house to celebrate the girls 21st. I told my kids they are causing a huge issue in the family, but they insist it’s only fair as the bride did this deliberately to stop her sister having a party. I can’t say I entirely disagree with them as the girl isn’t getting a party due the wedding. I am in two minds about it. I can tell on them and have it stopped, or pretend I know nothing. They aren’t leaving before the formalities are done, and plan to be discreet. But I imagine ten people leaving a wedding will be noticed.

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 01/07/2023 09:44

Yes it’s definitely worth remembering the bride turned 18 in the first covid lockdown! She’s already had one mile stone birthday cancelled, it’s perfectly reasonable that the 21st would be celebrated, and parents refusing the throw a party the weekend before or after, just do a meal when if her sister wasn’t getting married they would have thrown a party is unfair.

however all that said, I would push like mad for your dd to encourage a big night out the night before, surprise party then (or not surprise if the birthday girl would be up for it). So what if they are all hungover or tired for the sisters wedding the next day.

LimeCheesecake · 01/07/2023 09:45

Sorry not the bride turned 18- the brides sister!!!

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 01/07/2023 09:46

It all sounds unwise.
For your average wedding, there is no way that this was the only possible date ( unless it's in St Paul's Cathedral for example)
The sister picked the date intentionally and the parents gave in. Did the bride celebrate her 21st?
However, a surprise intervention is not fair on anyone. The birthday girl is put in an awkward spot which will have rumblings for ever and a day.

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wineschmine · 01/07/2023 09:48

I think they brought this on themselves by not allowing the balloon.

I attended a family members wedding on my birthday. It wasn't close family and it wasn't my 21st....even I had a balloon and a bit of a fuss made of me at the wedding (which I didn't expect but was very kind).

Sounds like the sister is being an arsehole and the mum is buying into it.

LimeCheesecake · 01/07/2023 09:49

Oh actually did the bride miss her 21st due to covid? @Weddingbirthdaydrama What’s the age gap between the sisters? If the family were unable to do anything for the brides big birthday then can see they have set a family precedent of not having them. Petty as hell to hold your wedding on your sisters birthday to ensure she can’t have a party though.

MissingMoominMamma · 01/07/2023 09:49

They are putting the sister in a horrible position if they go ahead with this.

Arrange something lovely for another day (and tie that balloon to her chair!!), but don’t put her in the position of having to choose who she upsets.

saraclara · 01/07/2023 09:52

Birthday Day girl may not enjoy the surprise party, she might be anxious knowing there's going to be huge fall out from parents/sister (even though she didn't plan it).

This. I originally missed that it's a surprise part that's planned. That puts the bride's sister in an impossible position. She will be the one blamed in any fall out (and believe me there'll be one, if the bride is so petty as the refuse a single balloon)

This is what needs pointing out to your daughter and the other cousins. They're not doing something nice. They're going to be putting the sister in a terrible position, with no warning, and she will be the one who suffers for it.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 01/07/2023 09:55

The sister getting married sounds like a nasty attention seeker, I can't imagine booking a wedding on my sister's birthday, especially not a milestone one. No venue is more important than sibling relationships. Not even allowing the balloon is plain shitty.

She deserves what she gets. Keep out of it OP.

LivelyBlake · 01/07/2023 09:57

MissingMoominMamma · 01/07/2023 09:49

They are putting the sister in a horrible position if they go ahead with this.

Arrange something lovely for another day (and tie that balloon to her chair!!), but don’t put her in the position of having to choose who she upsets.

Agree.

If this is surprise for the birthday girl it may go horribly wrong. She may be aghast to be put in a difficult position in public, basically she will be asked to offend her sister in front of all the guests... I wouldn't do it. Just plan for after-wedding drinks elsewhere and bring some silly birthday party stuff to make it fun

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2023 10:00

I'd def suggest the move the party so birthday girl can enjoy it. Point put that if it causes an argument at the wedding, the birthday girl will be too upset yo enjoy the party.

But they could leave at say 10 and go into town and to a club.

How old is everyone? What did they do for the brides, 21st?

Lovingitallnow · 01/07/2023 10:01

If the sister was organising this I'd consider going in solidarity but no way would I spring this on her. That's insane. Has she even got a problem with it? Does she want a party? Or is this people being offended on her behalf?

Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:08

I have changed a few details so it’s not identifying, I also can’t answer some questions because I can’t answer truthfully.
I love all the different perspectives, I dont think I will tell the bride’s parent, but I am trying to discourage them from having the party. I actually don’t think the birthday sister will leave.
I am fairly sure the wedding was deliberately put on that particular date, that is why I haven’t called all the parents of the kids involved.
They don’t plan to leave overly early, just toward the end. It will be noticed because a few people with young kids and some oldies will also leave at that time. I imagine it would be around 10.30-11.00.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:10

@Lovingitallnow I don’t think she is worried about the wedding being on her birthday, but she is upset she isn’t getting a party.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 01/07/2023 10:11

I'd be pleased if my sister got married on my birthday. I can't see the issue. Just have a birthday party another day.

ButImNotOldEnough · 01/07/2023 10:15

They’re not kids, they’re adults and they can do what they like. It’s massively off you think it’s ok to tell adults what they can and can’t do, and even worse that you’d run telling tales to their parents about it. Leave them to get on with it, it’s not your business.

WasJuliaRight · 01/07/2023 10:16

Unless it’s America where they live I don’t see the big deal about it being the sister’s 21st specifically. My two DC didn’t see why 21st is even a thing anymore as 18ths are the big birthday celebration for adulthood. That said to pick your sister’s birthday for your wedding and to not acknowledge it on the day is pretty selfish.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 01/07/2023 10:19

I would say nothing. Stay out of it and watch the shit hit the fan.

LimeCheesecake · 01/07/2023 10:21

@WasJuliaRight - but the brides sister turned 18 in the first lockdown - presuming the wedding is happening soon. Summer 2020, no one was having 18th birthday parties. If you got to choose, then I can see 18 being the big party, but the sister didn’t get her 18th due to lockdown and doesn’t get a party at 21 either because of her sisters wedding and her parents not wanting to throw a party on a different day. (I can see the parents point of view, they’ll have so much going on with older daughters wedding that a simple family meal might seem more manageable but it’s not fair).

@Weddingbirthdaydrama - push for a night before party, not at the wedding surprise party that puts the sister in a bad position of something she can’t control being her fault. A surprise party the night before would be much better.

MrsMikeDrop · 01/07/2023 10:21

saraclara · 01/07/2023 09:52

Birthday Day girl may not enjoy the surprise party, she might be anxious knowing there's going to be huge fall out from parents/sister (even though she didn't plan it).

This. I originally missed that it's a surprise part that's planned. That puts the bride's sister in an impossible position. She will be the one blamed in any fall out (and believe me there'll be one, if the bride is so petty as the refuse a single balloon)

This is what needs pointing out to your daughter and the other cousins. They're not doing something nice. They're going to be putting the sister in a terrible position, with no warning, and she will be the one who suffers for it.

This. Probably a family fall-out that will never be repaired.

JenniferBarkley · 01/07/2023 10:23

Sibling relationship sounds complex - is the birthday girl the golden child perhaps?

I'd stay well out and plead ignorance, but tell them that if hypothetically they were going to hypothetically organise something for the birthday girl then they should do so with her full agreement. It's not fair on them to cause a family row for her.

NotOnYourNellies · 01/07/2023 10:26

This will have major repercussions
Every birthday and wedding anniversary will bring back bad feelings
Not the birthday girls fault, I feel sorry for her
It's very ill judged

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/07/2023 10:28

PaigeMatthews · Today 09:40
For many 21 year olds this year, their celebrations will be in place of the 18th birthday celebrations they likely did not have because of covid lockdowns.

This. Our youngest had to “celebrate” his 18th at home with just mum and dad. We’ll definitely make a big deal of his 21st.

Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:29

@JenniferBarkley The birthday girl is the golden child, the older sister is enjoying the power at the moment. But she has always been catty towards her younger sister.

OP posts:
MissionImpossible3 · 01/07/2023 10:29

Really surprised that so many people are saying that 21st birthdays are not a big thing in the UK. My experiences are completely different and my children and their friends are all having bigger parties and more recognition about their 21sts.

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/07/2023 10:30

Why pick her sister birthday

Every year it will be wedding anniversary on her birthday

Birthdays are special. It's their day - once a year

Bride is awful not allowing a ballon tire to the chair and tbh should sing happy birthday to her with all the guests

Party could be day before