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Original poster

Wedding on sisters 21st birthday.

209 replies

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 02:23

A family member has two daughters, one is getting married and has chosen her sisters 21st birthday as the wedding date. Apparently it was the only date available. My kids are close to the birthday sister, and a group of them were planning to tie a balloon to the birthday girls chair at the reception after all the formal parts are over. The bride found out and had their mum put a stop to it. I have just found out they have a surprise birthday party for the girl planned, all the cousins are leaving the wedding reception early and meeting at a friends house to celebrate the girls 21st. I told my kids they are causing a huge issue in the family, but they insist it’s only fair as the bride did this deliberately to stop her sister having a party. I can’t say I entirely disagree with them as the girl isn’t getting a party due the wedding. I am in two minds about it. I can tell on them and have it stopped, or pretend I know nothing. They aren’t leaving before the formalities are done, and plan to be discreet. But I imagine ten people leaving a wedding will be noticed.

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 01/07/2023 10:31

Do many 21 year old have a family hosted party? None of my friends did, uni or home (very different socioeconomic backgrounds) .
I went to Edinburgh for mine with a group of friends. I went to others that were just club nights out, one was on a boat, one was in Amsterdam, none had family there they all did something separate with family, a nice dinner etc.
Your kids need to stay out of it.

JenniferBarkley · 01/07/2023 10:32

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:29

@JenniferBarkley The birthday girl is the golden child, the older sister is enjoying the power at the moment. But she has always been catty towards her younger sister.

The bride has handled this really badly but I admit to feeling a little sympathy for her. Forever in her sister's shaddow and now even on her wedding day the sister will be stealing her thunder.

rainbowstardrops · 01/07/2023 10:33

I feel sorry for the birthday girl if she can't even have a bloody balloon on the back of her chair! The fact that the bride won't allow it and the parents are reasoning with her, is just bloody awful!
I'd also hazard a guess that the bride chose that date on purpose.
I wouldn't say anything but sloping off at 10.30/11pm is perfectly ok I'd think.

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Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:34

JenniferBarkley · 01/07/2023 10:32

The bride has handled this really badly but I admit to feeling a little sympathy for her. Forever in her sister's shaddow and now even on her wedding day the sister will be stealing her thunder.

Show quote history

I think this is why the younger sister hasn’t said anything, and why I don’t think she will leave early.

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 01/07/2023 10:36

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:34

I think this is why the younger sister hasn’t said anything, and why I don’t think she will leave early.

Show quote history

Yeah your kids need to make sure anything they do isn't a surprise to the birthday girl. It will only hurt her otherwise (and they presumably love her even if they hate the bride). It's the birthday girl who will have to live with the consequences.

Hopelesscynic · 01/07/2023 10:37

I don't see why it has to be such a huge issue. Yes, thoughtless (or purposefully petty) of the bride to book that date but why does it mean her sister's birthday won't be celebrated? Surely a birthday party can be thrown a couple of days before or after the wedding? And as others have said, what 21 year old (especially a beautiful and popular one) would want to celebrate with parents anyway, they'd be out clubbing with friends.

Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:39

@Hopelesscynic The parents aren’t doing a party for her, so essentially the birthday won’t be celebrated due to all the craziness of the wedding.

OP posts:
Hopelesscynic · 01/07/2023 10:40

rainbowstardrops · 01/07/2023 10:33

I feel sorry for the birthday girl if she can't even have a bloody balloon on the back of her chair! The fact that the bride won't allow it and the parents are reasoning with her, is just bloody awful!
I'd also hazard a guess that the bride chose that date on purpose.
I wouldn't say anything but sloping off at 10.30/11pm is perfectly ok I'd think.

Yeah I don't get why she can't have a balloon and her sister can just dictate that. Sounds a bit like the older sister is the golden child, not the other way around.

Schoolchoicesucks · 01/07/2023 10:40

The 21 year old can celebrate her 21st on a different day - if her birthday fell on a weekday it would be very usual to have a party the weekend before or after it.

I would tell your kids to arrange a party for another night - if there's a birthday family dinner why don't the young ones plan to go out afterwards to carry on celebrating?

Yes it isn't ideal that the wedding is on the birthday and seems mean spirited that the bride is clamping down on acknowledging the other celebration. But leaving a family wedding early would be bad form.

PithyUsername · 01/07/2023 10:41

It's not unusual for the younger members of our family to carry on to town or a club and carry on partying all night after family events.

So if they are leaving 11ish it wouldn't even be commented on.

I'm just jealous I haven't got the stamina!

Flatandhappy · 01/07/2023 10:47

Planning your wedding for your sister’s 21st is a dick move. It sounds like it was deliberate too so I would have very little sympathy if other plans are made.

FloweryName · 01/07/2023 10:51

They don’t plan to leave overly early, just toward the end. It will be noticed because a few people with young kids and some oldies will also leave at that time. I imagine it would be around 10.30-11.00.

If they’re not planning to leave until 10.30-11.00 then this whole thing is a non issue. They will be at the wedding pretty much all day and if it’s acceptable for other people to leave at 10.30 to go to bed then it’s acceptable to leave at 10.30 to go to a cousins 21st birthday celebration. The bride wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if she was pissed off at people leaving at 10.30.

I got the impression that the cousins wanted to leave much earlier than that.

saraclara · 01/07/2023 10:53

I left my own daughter's wedding at about 10:30, as did the groom's parents!

Original poster
Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:56

FloweryName · 01/07/2023 10:51

They don’t plan to leave overly early, just toward the end. It will be noticed because a few people with young kids and some oldies will also leave at that time. I imagine it would be around 10.30-11.00.

If they’re not planning to leave until 10.30-11.00 then this whole thing is a non issue. They will be at the wedding pretty much all day and if it’s acceptable for other people to leave at 10.30 to go to bed then it’s acceptable to leave at 10.30 to go to a cousins 21st birthday celebration. The bride wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if she was pissed off at people leaving at 10.30.

I got the impression that the cousins wanted to leave much earlier than that.

No they have been told they can’t leave too early. It will be a big deal. I told them off so I don’t know what they plan to do.

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 01/07/2023 10:59

If I was an adult being told I couldn't leave a wedding at 10.30 I would be telling the person to get lost. I will leave when I want to. I think the sister sounds awful, not even letting her have a balloon so she deserves it

Mirabai · 01/07/2023 11:03

It’s fine OP just stay out of it. They’re only leaving slightly early after the formalities - no-one can say they can’t do that. Ime some of the oldies will leave soon after the dinner and speeches are finished anyway.

readbooksdrinktea · 01/07/2023 11:05

If I was an adult being told I couldn't leave a wedding at 10.30 I would be telling the person to get lost.

Most definitely.

WeWereInParis · 01/07/2023 11:09

saraclara · 01/07/2023 09:52

Birthday Day girl may not enjoy the surprise party, she might be anxious knowing there's going to be huge fall out from parents/sister (even though she didn't plan it).

This. I originally missed that it's a surprise part that's planned. That puts the bride's sister in an impossible position. She will be the one blamed in any fall out (and believe me there'll be one, if the bride is so petty as the refuse a single balloon)

This is what needs pointing out to your daughter and the other cousins. They're not doing something nice. They're going to be putting the sister in a terrible position, with no warning, and she will be the one who suffers for it.

I agree with this. Even if I was annoyed about the wedding being on my birthday, I would appreciate a surprise party where I then had to leave the wedding and deal with the fall out. Presumably she's planning something else for her birthday anyway.

Brefugee · 01/07/2023 11:10

It boils down to chippy sister booked her wedding on sisters 21st.
Then banned any acknowledgement of it at the reception.
Did the parents throw a party for bridezilla's 21st?

Basically? Bride reaps what she sows. I'd stay out of it, OP. What will be will be

WeWereInParis · 01/07/2023 11:11

Weddingbirthdaydrama · 01/07/2023 10:39

@Hopelesscynic The parents aren’t doing a party for her, so essentially the birthday won’t be celebrated due to all the craziness of the wedding.

Did they do a party for the bride's 21st? Is it that they don't do family parties for this, or have they basically said "no, we're doing the wedding, so no party for you".

Fallulah · 01/07/2023 11:18

Stay out of it. You knew nothing. Deny, deny, deny!
Not letting her sister have a balloon on the chair is ridiculous.

excelledyourself · 01/07/2023 11:23

I really would advise against putting the 21yo in an awkward surprise situation. The relationship is obviously fragile as it is.

Although, maybe if the DJ heard about it, he could do an announcement and have the guests sing happy birthday...

ABugWife · 01/07/2023 11:27

I suspect the bride chose the date deliberately but that doesn't mean everyone else has to stoop to her level.

The sister can have her birthday party the day before the wedding, all the family will be in town after all for the wedding.

QueensBees · 01/07/2023 11:38

Your dcs are in the middle of a family feud.

Both parties are behaving badly.
The wedding sister is making a point that this is her day and is settling scores.
The younger sister is behaving like a kid - which 21yo can’t cope with having a b’day party on a different day than the b’day?and needs her parents to organise it?

By wanting to still have a party on that day, they are colluding with the younger sister against the older one.
I predict a huge fall out in that family. And fur your dcs to be caught in the middle of it, incl not being able to see either sisters again. And assuming these people are family, many awkward family occasions.

QueensBees · 01/07/2023 11:40

Fallulah · 01/07/2023 11:18

Stay out of it. You knew nothing. Deny, deny, deny!
Not letting her sister have a balloon on the chair is ridiculous.

Tbh so is wanting birthday ballons on your 21 st birthday during a party that has nothing to do with you. She is 21, not 6yo

(and my 6yo would have understood this is not the right place and time to have a b’day ballon)