Wedding on sisters 21st birthday.

[Weddingbirthdaydrama]

A family member has two daughters, one is getting married and has chosen her sisters 21st birthday as the wedding date. Apparently it was the only date available. My kids are close to the birthday sister, and a group of them were planning to tie a balloon to the birthday girls chair at the reception after all the formal parts are over. The bride found out and had their mum put a stop to it. I have just found out they have a surprise birthday party for the girl planned, all the cousins are leaving the wedding reception early and meeting at a friends house to celebrate the girls 21st. I told my kids they are causing a huge issue in the family, but they insist it’s only fair as the bride did this deliberately to stop her sister having a party. I can’t say I entirely disagree with them as the girl isn’t getting a party due the wedding. I am in two minds about it. I can tell on them and have it stopped, or pretend I know nothing. They aren’t leaving before the formalities are done, and plan to be discreet. But I imagine ten people leaving a wedding will be noticed.

I do think op you should push for a night before party - if it helps sweeten the deal, offer to fund part of it (as in, I’ll stick £100 behind the bar for a night before surprise party). Be clear the birthday girl might end up in trouble for something that wasn’t her plan, so they need to throw a party that’s kind to their friend, not just her Bridzilla sister.

Which means the ones who will look bad are your dcs!!

Can you see how the younger sister might well make a huge fuss now, outside family, get lots of attention p, can play the victim etc…
All that to then potentially turn on your dcs and co because they’ve organised a party and stole the wedding sister thunder?

Everyone turning 21 this year will have turned 18 in 2020. So the birthday girl didn’t get an 18th birthday celebration because of Covid, and now she barely gets her 21st acknowledged by even her own parents because her sister (who, being older, was presumably able to celebrate both birthdays) has deliberately chosen that day for her wedding to spite her, and won’t even let her have a bloody balloon on her chair? And is also trying to dictate what time her guests are “allowed” to leave?

Yeah, no, the bride can get stuffed.

I’m getting married.. and I would have been a little bit miffed if someone had put up balloons on a chair or any birthday decor at my wedding without asking me first at least.. but I wouldn’t be upset if people hopped off to a party for the birthday person after the wedding.. if I chose that day specifically I would think of the pros and cons.. cons being people might actually want to celebrate someone other than me 😅

If the bride picked the date deliberately then the relationship between the sisters can't be that great anyway. Is the sister a bridesmaid? If she is it would be poor form to accept the role and leave early.

If the bride was any sort of decent "host" she would have welcomed the balloon idea and had something planned for her sister anyway.

My dbro/sil got married on a relatives 30th birthday and they made a fuss of her, included her birthday in the speeches when they gave bouquets to mothers of bride/groom they also had a fun bouquet and mini birthday cake for the birthday girl and everyone sang happy birthday. A great host would embrace the birthday, not worry about it stealing their limelight - if anything their generosity would make them shine even more.

tbh I would let the mum know what you heard, just the facts don't get involved in the rights and wrongs of the situation, and then leave well alone and let them sort it out between themselves.

Eighteen is the age of majority in the vast number of states in the US (I think two have 19 and one is 21), so that's usually when big birthdays happen. It's true that the drinking age is 21, but people are adults at 18.

Keep out of it. I say bloody good for them, it seems everyone has the measure of the bride. If they actually do this (and they should) then it will teach her not to play silly games in future. Thing is normally with people like this, others are encouraged to tiptoe around them and not go against them and the behaviour gets worse and worse. There is no way she didn't intentionally book her wedding for her sisters 21st.

God what a nightmare.

Pity the younger sister's friends can't take her out the night before and stay out after midnight so that she DOES have a party on her birthday (albeit at the very start of the day). Or could they?

I think it's poor of the bride not to stand up and say,
"And big thanks to little sis who has been such a good sport about this wedding clashing with her 21st birthday due to venue booking issues, everyone sing happy birthday and give her the biggest round of applause!"

But just because the bride might be lacking in diplomacy, doesn't mean the younger sister's friends sloping off would make the situation better for anyone. So see if you can persuade them to sort out a less conflict-generating plan, but otherwise deny as much knowledge as you can. You shouldn't suffer for other people's bad choices!

Similar (ish) situation but actually someone much less close so more shocking that the sister has done this.

My cousin wanted to get married on my 21st. It fell on a popular wedding bank holiday weekend in summer. She text to ask me, and I said I didn't mind but then when I spoke to my friends about it, we talked about going to a festival that always fell on that weekend that we'd never been to, going away and they all talked about their big plans for their birthdays.

In the end a week later I texted my cousin and apologised and said I understood that it wasn't fair to expect her to plan her wedding around my birthday, but that I didn't want to promise away my big birthday weekend so I couldn't say I would definitely attend. I stressed that I wouldn't hold a grudge or be upset. She wanted me to be her bridesmaid (I didn't know at the time) so she moved it to the following weekend.

No drama. No fuss. I put no pressure on her, but was honest that it may mean I didn't go. She made the decision to change it.

I think the sister has been crappy enough in choosing this date. But for those saying she may have not had the choice in dates, the least she could've done is tried to minimise the impact on her sibling by allowing a simple BALLOON. It sounds like she has gone out of her way to make a point of it. If she wants to play the game of pretending her sisters birthday isn't happening, then her sisters birthday will take place elsewhere without her. They are both adults and can do what they please, and neither one is forced to participate in the other ones event. Same with the cousins.

It's not up to anyone else who doesn't know this girl to say whether it's an important birthday or not. My 21st was a big deal to me as all of my friends were on family holidays at 18 being a summer birthday, so I didn't really get to do anything big.

this is an excellent point. And i think Bridezilla needs to wrap her head round it.

A few balloons - she could actually come out of this the bigger person by getting it coordinated with her other decor.
I like the idea that pp mentioned, a small bouquet when handing out bridesmaids gifts, would not be inappropriate

This is. A very good point @AngeloMysterioso

I had an 18th 30th 40th

Don't want a 50th

But the brides sister wouldn't have had any celebration or be very much limited

My brother, golden child, did this to me. Every year after that my birthday was forgotten by my family as it was their wedding anniversary. We are very low contact now, for other reasons, with my whole family. It was a pattern of behaviour that got worse as the years passed I don't miss them

It baffles me that the parents didn't suggest changing the date. If it were one on mine I would or at least have a conversation with them both together.

Never been to a 21st, went to plenty of 18ths through

The bride sounds awful. Not even letting them put a balloon on her chair? What an arsehole

They'll have missed celebrating their 18ths because of covid. If her sister had anything about her and really couldn't have another wedding date 🙄 she would organise a cake and have everyone sing happy birthday etc

Yes agree…the whole family sound awful,cousins included!

The little buggers did it. All snuck out at about 930 after the cake was cut. I left at 10 to take the oldies home and a few with young children left then as well. Apparently it was a very quiet reception. I have had a few texts this morning asking me where all the kids went. I am just pretending not to know.

My cousin had her wedding on my 40th. She had two dates available, one was my 40th one was two weeks later. She did "ask me" before she booked it but gave me 1 hour to reply which was in the middle of the day and my DP who was organising a surprise was at work and I couldn't get hold of him. She therefore booked it and all family went. I didn't go. DP took me away in the end. Just us.

I don't for one minute believe there was no other date for your relatives wedding. Was there any fallout?

I think there will be. The parents haven’t worked out there was a party yet.

I take it that the birthday girl was up for it then? A lot of the first posts were about putting her in an awkward position. It sounds like the relationship between the sisters was fractured, to put it mildly, before this so I don't know whether this can really have made such a big difference.

Encouage them to have a party on another date. Please don't let them spoil the wedding, it would just lead to more bitterness and resentment between the sisters - how can that help anyone? This plan has all the signs of being made by teens, basically thoughtless, heedless. I would not condone it OP.

I do think the balloons and perhaps a separate cake for the birthday girl on the day would be a nice touch. Maybe the bride could be persuaded to reconsider...

Sorry, hadn't seem update. Oh dear.

I feel sorry for the birthday girl if she can't even have a bloody balloon on the back of her chair!

I feel sorry for a 21 year old who needs a ballon on her birthday.

Well, you'll be in trouble if they find out you knew about it, won't you?
(And rightly so in my opinion. Soneone needed to be an adult here!)

Stay out of it. Stay as far away from it as you possibly can. Plead ignorance.

Only heartache will come to you for getting in the middle of two competing sisters.