Viewing of body at funeral home

[YayOrNae]

Just watched Eastenders and family visiting Lola in the funeral parlour.

Have you visited someone who'd died prior to their funeral? Did you regret going? Or not going? Did it bring you peace?

My grandfather died when I was 13. I'd been kept away from him during his final illness and wasn't even told that he had cancer and was dying. After he died he was in an open casket in his own home for a day or two and Mum took my younger sisters and me to see him. He didn't look alarming. If anything, he looked better than he'd ever looked asleep because he had his false teeth in. Mum stroked his hair. I wasn't allowed to have time off school to go to his funeral.

I chose an occupation that was bring me into regular contact with death. It felt natural to chat to the deceased as if they were still present in their body or as if their loved ones were listening, whatever the setting and however long they'd been dead.

I went to the funeral parlour to sit with my mum. She died with covid early on in the pandemic before vaccines etc so the casket was sealed, but it helped to just be there and chat to her.

In hindsight I am glad I didn't have the choice for an open casket.

My sister and my dad.
Awful but I'm glad I did it.

I haven't ever but my dad went to see my mum when she died and was so upset as he said she just didn't look at all how he remembered her.

My ex SIL went to see her brother and she was the same, quite distraught at how he looked.

Also irish, so as with others I've viewed many a person.

Though, presuming you're in Britain, it is a bit different as generally if you go to a funeral home here in Ireland there's a good few others (often lots of people) but arranging to see someone in a funeral home in Britain it tends to be just you or only a few others. That's a very different experience.

I mean, don't get me wrong if it's a close relative in Ireland you will be with them alone also. But when we as saying as an irish person that we've viewed a lot of bodies , most of them won't be in that solitary situation.

Funerals in Ireland happen a hell of a lot more quickly after the person has died. (Three days would be pretty standard.) Also we tend to go to more funerals - such as itd be normal to go to a funeral or removal of a parent of a wordk colleague. That makes much of a difference to attitude to dead and funerals.

When I was about 12 my nan died and I went to view her at the Chapel of Rest with my dad and sister. I remember there being some black blood (or other fluid) around her nostril which I couldn't look away from. Otherwise I don't think it was a particularly positive or negative experience. My dad reported he 'got nothing out of it' emotionally.

My DM recently died very suddenly and I wanted to view her but the funeral director advised against it because she'd had a postmortem and wasn't in a great state. I felt desperately sad about it - thinking about her all alone at the funeral directors without a familiar face - but I went to spend an hour sitting next to her closed, willow coffin and I listened to her favourite songs and talked to her. The funeral director showed me where she was kept and where she'd been washed and dressed etc and that weirdly brought me a lot of peace to see how well she was being looked after. I still feel sad that I didn't get to see her but the more I think about it, the more I think that's what she'd have preferred. She was a very private, dignified woman.

Seeing someone who has just died is very different imo to seeing them in the undertakers. The smell of the funeral home makes me feel very sick and they look like wax work dummies. I found it traumatic rather than comforting.

I have to say when I saw my dad in the chapel of rest I still very much felt like my dad was there and that he looked like my dad which felt odd as many describe it as the person they knew no longer being there and it just being a body but personally I didn't feel like that and thought that's my dad

Being from an Irish family I’ve seen loads, but lying in their coffin on top of a bed covered in a white sheet. I haven’t been inside a funeral parlour.

When my nan died i was about 16. My mum and dad asked me if I wanted to see her in the funeral home. I really couldn't understand why. She hadn't been herself for about a year before she died. She had terminal cancer so I was getting used to her decline anyway.

More recently my FiL passed away and his wife asked us if we wanted to see the body. His kids, GC and me said, absolutely not.

For me, it's just the body, and I'm told they don't look the same after death anyway. The person who was in the body has gone. So the bit that was loved, respected, and is missed isn't there anymore. You say good bye the moment they die. The body doesn't mean much to me really. Which is why DH & I both don't want funerals. It doesn't make sense.

I have done this four times (two relatives, two friends).

I find it really helps. For me, it's a sort of closure, something definite. It helps me to get my head round the fact that the person has gone.

This I found especially with my Nan. The first body I'd seen, we did the rosary vigil. It was really good to see her at peace, as the last time I'd seen her she was agitated in hospital. I won't go into details but she'd been less and less herself and then very poorly. Quite honestly, I think I was motivated by the morbid curiosity of seeing a dead person, but seeing her at rest was more healing to me than I could have possibly imagined.

With my maternal grandmother more recently I sat with her in the chapel of rest and chatted. I touched her body and kissed her forehead. I was aware that the egg that became me was formed in her body (with my mum), and as a mum of sons with a sister who adopted her children, that that line has ended.

My mum had been in previously and found it similarly healing.

My sister refused to go. My dad hates the idea.

They don't want the last memory they have of someone being a cold, dead body.

There is no right or wrong way, and I think people instinctively know whether it will be helpful or not. So if you are tempted to visit a loved one, then do.

Yes, my father in law. I found it completely traumatic and i cried (the immediately family were very composed which made this so much worse/embarrassing) my mil wanted me there but i will never do this again.

When I was about 16 I used to feel weird if a hearse and coffin passed me knowing there was a dead body inside.
When I was about 27 dh's dad died and I hadn't seen him for a while so when I saw him in his coffin at home I had a panic attack, I'd never seen a dead body before and I had to sit outside to calm down. My granda died in bed 7 years ago and when he was still in bed I kissed him told him I loved him etc but when he was at the funeral home I couldn't bring myself to touch him and the same last august when my brother died. While he was in hospital and hasn't been gone long I hugged and touched him but as soon as I saw him at the funeral home I couldn't touch him. I think it's because I knew they would feel cold and I imagine more of a shell than a soft body.
My ds2 was 12 when my brother died and insisted he saw him at the funeral home. He doesn't regret his decision at all.

Also an Irish family, so many times. I think where there is a cultural context, the experience is very different. I don't have any fear of death or dead bodies, to me it is simply part of life. Also seen bodies elsewhere in the world for various reasons - again mostly just "part of the scenery / life" that I may not have appreciated the manner of death or some such thing, but the dead body is just that - a dead body.

I saw my nan about an hour after she had died, and even though her death was peaceful, she didn't look it. I couldn't get the image of her out of my head, and I had this overwhelming need to see her one last time in the funeral home. She finally looked at peace after years and years of pain, dressed in her favourite clothes, her coral lipstick, and her favourite hairclip.

With my FIL it was more to support DH as his death was very, very sudden. DH struggled massively, and I was glad i was there to help him through the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his life.

The one person who I couldn't bring myself to see was my aunt. Her death was completely unexpected. The last time I saw her was at a family party with her dancing and laughing the night away, that was how I wanted to remember her.

When mum died in the 1st week of lockdown we weren't allowed to see her before the funeral ( we weren't allowed to give the undertakers any of her clothes to put on her, so she was in her hospital gown), the last time I saw her was the day she was taken to hospital 2 days before her death. I spent a long time worrying that the person in the coffin wasn't my mum to the point I needed counselling.
When dad died a week before lockdown 2 he died at home and I was there with him. He looked so old and frail. When I saw him in the Chapel Of Rest, he had been dressed in the clothes we had given the undertakers ( it was allowed by then), and he looked quite dapper and much more like dad which gave me a lot of comfort and I was much more able to accept that he had gone and it was him we were saying goodbye to. It wasn't easy seeing him lying there but I'm so glad I did, it was a much better to have that last image of him rather than seeing him taken from the house in a body bag.

I saw my Nan in hospital not long after she'd died. She had a flower placed in her arms and she looked so peaceful. I remember remarking on her lovely red nail polish. My Nan had had a massive stroke about 20 years or so before she died and although she was paralysed down her right side, she always looked immaculate!

I was with my mum at home when she died from cancer and it was heartbreaking. It didn't even cross my mind not to go and see her for the final time at the funeral home. I remember walking in and remarking that they hadn't done her hair how she did!!! I didn't regret seeing her though.

I wasn't with my dad when he died in hospital. Got there just too late 😔 He didn't have his teeth in, was in a hospital gown and his hand was swollen from the IV fluids/meds he'd had.
I went to see him at the funeral home and he had his lovely shirt on and he looked so much more peaceful and as if he had a little smile on his face. I don't regret that either.

One of my siblings went to see my dad but the other one didn't want to. Each to their own.

I visited my darling DM who died very suddenly despite advice from the funeral home that it might not be best to. Wild horses wouldn't have kept me away. It brought me an extraordinary amount of peace. I loved being in the same room as her.

I went to see my best friend at the funeral parlour. I saw her so ill in hospital so it was no shock how I'll she looked. I went with her sister and I'm not sorry I went as I think her sister was scared to go alone. When I think of my friend I don't really remember how Ill she looked in the hospital or at the funeral parlour but as she was all her life. My best friend from primary school until she died. So many happy memories with her. I tell her DC about when their Mum was at school too.

I saw my lovely FIL in his coffin, and that is the only picture of him I will ever have in my mind. It was dreadful, I wouldn't do it again. Last year I sat with my friend who was terminally ill, I had to go home for a while and got a call from the hospital to say she was declining rapidly - took me 20mins to get there and she was gone. I think she had already died when they rang, but she looked so much better than she had for the last few days. I sat with her, talking to her and was just glad she was out of pain

My grandmother died suddenly on New Year's Day a few years ago but we were away and snowed in with a flat tyre so couldn't make it back for a few days. My brother, 6'3", a pragmatic no nonsense type, went to see her a few hours after she passed away to support my mum and grandad. He said it was the worst thing he'd ever done; she didn't look like grandma and he had nightmares for weeks afterwards. I had intended to see her at the funeral home but that changed my mind and I'm pleased I didn't.

No as it’s not common in England. I did see my nana just after she died but I’d been there and the nurses had done her awfully do badly she had her hair done like a halo round her head, eyes wide open and I think mouth too. They told us “she’s looking for you”. We complained.

I’ve heard with some suicides or accidents it’s advised not to see them if they’re really in a bad way and people I know who have seen them most are traumatised but a couple said even though it was horrific they’re glad they saw them.

I was asked by my best friend’s family if I wanted to see her (she jumped, suicide) and I said no. I think they thought it would comfort me but I can’t think of anything worse. Apparently they did the best they could but she still was mangled.

I visited my dad (tbh I felt a bit pressured into it) as he passed suddenly and I hadn't seen him for a while beforehand.
He looked like plastic, was v cold and had lots of make up on to put some colour in his face. It wasn't pleasant, I still don't know if I benefited from it but at least I don't regret NOT seeing him a final time which may be worse.

My partner died suddenly in his twenties. I went to visit him several times at the funeral parlour. It was part of me accepting he was dead. I so desperately wanted to spend more time with him.

I hope she finds peace with that, as living with regret for the rest of your life is torture, especially over something so significant. But I am glad the regret is there and that lessons will be learned RE overstepping in the future.
When my beloved gran died I was pushed out of the process in the week after her death by overbearing relatives (who had done stuff all RE her care when she was alive while I was very involved). That feeling of loss of control and having decisions made for you hurt, and still does, and while I want to make peace with it, I can’t at the moment.
You should have had that chance. I hope you have found a way to find closure and grieve your Nana as you see best. Please, anyone else reading who thinks they are ‘acting for the best’ - BUTT OUT. Everyone grieves their way, don’t impose YOUR way on them.