Viewing of body at funeral home

[YayOrNae]

Just watched Eastenders and family visiting Lola in the funeral parlour.

Have you visited someone who'd died prior to their funeral? Did you regret going? Or not going? Did it bring you peace?

I went to see my mum in the hospital just after she had died (during covid so she was on her own) and I was shocked by how dead she looked. Her eyes were a bit open and her mouth too, her catheter bag was full and I thought oh shit, you are fully dead. Her hair was still great though, she always had such lovely hair. And that's the bit my memory has kept actually , not really the rest of the experience.

So then anyway I didn't want to see her in the chapel of rest. I know they look better but I'd already seen her dead and thought, right that's that, she's gone now.

I'm sorry you've recently lost your dad.

As I said in my post, I wasn't traumatised by seeing my mum in the CofR, even though I was with her for a couple of hours after she died, but I haven't visited anyone since (don't know if there is anything in that?). I have heard people that have said that they did regret it because the person looked so different.

I suppose you can only make that decision. You were with him until his last moment, and thereafter, but now he has gone. So, if you do decide to go, just remember that it is just his shell you are seeing. It isn't the energy that made him your dad.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't have any regrets, and there will come a point when you just remember him for who and how he was regardless.

The only time I've ever seen someone dead was my dad the night he passed in hospital. I hadn't wanted to look, but my mum told me he 'just looked asleep', I looked, and it wasn't true. He definitely looked dead, although I was glad my mum was able to perceive him as just looking asleep as I think it afforded her a little comfort.

I didn't go to the funeral home in the run-up to the funeral, though, as I decided I just wanted to try to remember him alive. My mum made the same choice. Although I obviously realise I might not be able to avoid ever seeing a loved one dead again, I think I will continue to not make the conscious choice to 'view' a body and to try to hold on to my memories of that person when they were alive.

I don't think there is a right or wrong thing to do. I saw my Dad minutes after death and then several times in the Chapel of rest and I'm so glad I did. It did bring me comfort and I'm so glad I got that last bit of time with him. He died suddenly and u expectedly of natural causes.

On the other hand my Nan I didn't see after her death because my father didn't see her in the Chapel of rest and it didn't feel right to intrude where her own son didn't. She was dying of cancer and I saw her daily in the weeks and days before her death. I do sort of regret not seeing her. My Grandma had a stroke and we were told she would die from it but she held out a good couple of weeks. I didnt visit her in the hospital or the Chapel of rest (but facilitated my mother doing both). I made that decision because I was pregnant and struggled with my emotions/hormones. I didnt want to see her and get upset in front of her and distress her in her last days. I am sad I didn't get to see her, but know it was for the best at the time and that she understood. Weirdly enough the very first time I felt my daughter move was around the time of her passing. She died 200 miles from where I was and I didnt find out she'd gone until the following day. I like to think it was her letting me know it was OK but I suppose it could have just been coincidence.

I went once, to see an elderly relative whom I loved but hadn't been able to see because of family circumstances. It was very precious to have that time alone with them & say my goodbyes, as I couldn't go to the funeral either. I didn't know in advance how (scary) it would be, but it was all OK.

I also tried to see my appalling father whom I'd been NC with, because I wanted to make sure that !"£$%!"£$%& was dead. Sadly, when I'd tracked down the funeral directors & enquired without saying who I was, it turned out there was no viewing of the body.

I’m an ex nurse and have been present at numerous deaths and had lots of experience with the deceased .My dad died very suddenly in his very early 50s , I saw him dead at home . I went to see him in the Chapel of rest and it was so horrifying that I went back a couple of days later just to check , it was actually worse . I will never go to see anyone in the chapel of rest again .

I went to see dh, he had been ill for a long time, but his death was sudden and unexpected and I wasn’t there. I couldn’t really accept that he was gone until I actually saw with my own eyes.
He looked ok, and I touched his face and his hands, they were cold and hard and not like skin at all - it was so sad and I was broken by it, but I’m glad I did it, and as pp has said, I knew it was my last chance to ever see him so I felt like I really had to.
When my dad died I didn’t go to see him at the funeral home. He was in a nursing home for a while before he died and had declined quite quickly. He was actively dying for a few days and we all went and spent time with him - my mum, siblings and I all had a chance and time to say what we needed to, and I felt I had already said my goodbyes so didn’t need to see him after.
I don’t regret either decision, and I don’t know what I will do in the future, just whatever feels right I suppose.

Instant regret viewing my Grandad. There was a backlog of a few weeks before he could even be embalmed (died in hospital) and they did a horrific job. You could see the stitch that was supposed to hold his jaw shut in the gap between his lips and sticking out of one nostril. His skin was patchy red, black, purple and slightly green. I'll never be able to get the image out of my head. They'd failed him and us so badly. When I was stood sobbing at the state they'd left him in, a spider ran across the floor. I caught it in a tissue and went out to reception to look for a bin to put it in. The lady squealed and jumped away (it was fucking dead and squashed in a tissue). Considering the state she'd allowed us to see our grandad in, I wish I'd fucking made her eat it.

Also we'd requested the pajamas he'd died in to be returned as he was being cremated in a different outfit, they promised to return them and then several weeks later said they'd lost them.

I went a few weeks ago to see my FIL. I have a phobia of death and honestly didn't really want to go in but my MIL was anxious to go alone and I just couldn't let her do it by herself so I took her hand and we walked in together.
Honestly, it felt surreal. I was half expecting him to get up as I just couldn't believe that he was really gone.
I comforted my MIL but didn't get too close to the coffin as I felt quite spooked by it.

I held it together to get MIL home but when I got back to my house, I was shaking violently and sobbing. It's not something I wish to do again.

Saw my Nan, who died at the grand age of 102.
It was 'harrowing' as someone else mentioned.
She looked very different, very skeletal. And they'd made her up with very dark makeup - she was never that dark when alive. It just looked very wrong.
I remember my first thought being 'wow, that's something out of a horror movie'. Then felt disrespectful for having such a thought about my dear Nan.
Once I got over the initial shock it was nice to sit and talk to her for a while though.
But I'd think long and hard next time I lose somebody. Maybe I'd be better prepared, but I'm not sure.

Yes, my stepfather. Although I was there in the hospital when he passed also. But it was nice to be able to see him dressed in his kilt and to say a final goodbye. Also to support my mother who had great difficulty letting him go for the final time.

When my father passed, we weren't there. My sister went to see him at the funeral home, but I couldn't. He was very ill the last time we saw him, and didn't look like himself. I walked past his hospital room because I didn't recognise him at first. I didn't want to see him any further changed. My sister and I agreed she would do the final visit and leave him the letters we wrote (tucked into his jacket) and I would give the eulogy - she could never have done that.

My FIL, again my DH and I were both there when he passed in hospital. I offered to go with my husband to the viewing, but he preferred to go in alone. I suspect he had some private things to say to his father that he never did while he was alive. I waited outside for DH.

Yes, my friend who took her own life. I got to talk to her, it brought me some peace and I am so glad I had the opportunity to do it.

Several times with close family. My culture has open caskets so for me I'm use to it although I haven't been to many funerals. It brings me huge peace and closure to see the body and say goodbye. It's always a but strange as obviously they don't look like themselves, but for me that's art of the closure because you know they've gone. I find it both slightly disturbing (mentally knowing it's a body, probably due to watching too many horror movies) and also enormously comforting. I would always want an open casket or to be able to view the body of someone that I was close to

Tbh I think the first time is the most shocking, then I think you get used to it

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly 2 weeks ago.

The last time I saw him he was purple, and experiencing agonal breathing after a cardiac arrest. Then he was dead, and wrapped in a blanket by the paramedics, so I only saw his arm.

The viewing will be soon, and he will be embalmed due to a post mortem.

I'm utterly torn between needing to try and see him, because it might be a better memory than the one I have..and the fear of how it might be. I'm not looking forward to it.

Sorry to hear this. You don't have to really look at the face if that helps, but it may bring you comfort just to be in his presence and speak to him if you wish to. There's no right or wrong way to feel, and you don't have to stay for long if you don't want to. Thinking of you

Yes, I'm RC and I've done this at every RC wake I've ever been to, both in Ireland and the US.

The removal part in Ireland is when the remains are moved from a private home or funeral home (or straight from a hospital morgue) to the church where the funeral will take place. The body is left in the church overnight, in a side chapel.

There are usually formal prayers conducted by the priest once the mourners are all gathered in the church, with the remains at the top of the aisle, and then the coffin is moved to the side chapel. People often file past the nearest and dearest of the deceased in the church, and shake hands.

In the US, prayers take place in the funeral home after mourners have filed past the remains and shaken hands with the family. The remains are taken to the church right before the funeral. This is how many funerals now happen in Ireland too, with many people not comfortable with leaving their loved one all alone in the church all night.

There are baskets where you can leave a card (often containing cash or a cheque because everyone knows funerals cost a lot and the bereaved can be left without access to money for a while).

I saw my mum dead and gave her a kiss. It felt the right thing to do but I found it very traumatic as she didn't look like my mother. In some ways I wish my last memory of her was as she was when alive.

Yes I visited my dad in the chapel of rest.
No regrets. He looked peaceful finally and I didn't find it scary.
It's shown me that there are worse things than death ❤️

Yes . My mum in 2020. Her death was sudden, unexpected and very traumatic so I had to see her to process that it was real wasn't allowed to hospital because of Covid. It was horrific and it's the first and last vision I still see daily 3 years on. Miss her madly

@Siezethefish I feel exactly the same. Heartbroken can't ever imagine healing from this

I do remember though putting my hand on my dads hand and half expecting him to say " what are you doing here" it was a very odd experience. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact he would never know I came to see him and didn't know I was there

Yes my lovely mum last year. I saw her shortly after she died and wanted to see her again. The funeral home had done a wonderful job and she looked so sweet but I couldn't go too close the coffin. I felt a bit apprehensive but so glad I went even though she looked slightly different.