Viewing of body at funeral home

[YayOrNae]

Just watched Eastenders and family visiting Lola in the funeral parlour.

Have you visited someone who'd died prior to their funeral? Did you regret going? Or not going? Did it bring you peace?

@Mariposista yes, it is sad. My mum thought she was doing the right thing as my Nana had been there a few days when we got back here & had died in a 'not great' way & others I'd seen previously were more recently dead. My Nana was the person I was closest too & my Mum thought it would be too traumatic. She regrets it now though and none of us always make the right decision.

I'm glad you had such a beautiful moment 💕

Yes, I think this is a key difference. Plus most of us have been doing it since childhood, as funeral-going isn’t just for close friends and family, and children attend removals and funerals as a matter of course, so there’s none of the sense of rarity, apprehension etc. I think it must be very hard for people from cultures where funeral-going isn’t a norm, because it seems to often mean that the first time you attend a funeral is when someone very close to you has died, as distinct from an elderly neighbour, or a colleague’s parent you may never have met.

Just going through this now,
My nana passed away on 3rd June and I went to see her last week in the funeral home and I'm just shocked at how different she actually looks tbh I wish I didn't I wish I kept my memory of her looking peaceful when she died it's something that will stay with me for my lifetime, she looked like a little wax figure.

I saw my lovely dad as he had died very unexpectedly and suddenly and no chance to say goodbye. I went with my sister. It didn't really look like him but I don't regret it at all. Was pretty tough though 😥

My grandparents and I don't regret it x

I once realised I was at the wrong wake when I went to look at the body and it was a man in his 80s and not the young man whose funeral I should have been at.

I've had this experience more than once! In both cases, they were people I didn't know; when I went to one, I'd gone up, passed the coffin, shook some hands etc before realising I recognised nobody in the room, including not seeing my work colleague I was there to sympathise with.

Quick scan of the condolence book made me realise I was at the wrong removal. 🫨

There’s no right or wrong way - grief is individual and you process these things is very personal.

I wasn’t able to see my friend’s body and she has no grave either (cremated) and my mind still has a hard time accepting that she’s really gone. I catch myself looking out for her, double checking cyclists with her hair colour, fully expecting her to turn up again.

I don’t feel like that with other people I’ve lost. But again, I’m Irish and it’s a cultural norm. I wouldn’t necessarily encourage a person who hasn’t grown up with it, to view a body if they’re apprehensive and especially not if they’re not actively choosing to.

I went to see: my mum, my dad and my nan. It wasnt the most pleasant thing I saw but it did give me closure. They all looked very peaceful as if they were sleeping. However, be prepared that they wont look like "them"- when facial expressions are taken away they dont look like themselves and that can be a little bit of a shock. So just be prepared for that. I am glad I saw them though and it hasnt affected my memories of them.

Yes, first time was my mum. I was 10 and my brother 6. I remember it being quite chilled and 'nice' but I'm sure my dad probably spoke to someone about it before taking us. I think as a child it probably helped to understand death and I'm not traumatised by it.

Also went to see my nana, to support my grandad then my grandad because my brother wanted to but I wouldn't be fussed to do it again, it doesn't do a lot for me whereas I know some people feel they have to.

It's much easier in Ireland as the funeral is usually 2 to 3 days after the death.
In England it's anywhere from 3-6 weeks so despite the undertakers best efforts they never look as good anymore than a week after passing.

My dad was still in the morgue 10 days after his death and really looked awful once we saw him

Yes, I visited my Grandmother. A friend had a warned me not to, but there on the day with my Mum I decided to do it anyway. My friend was right, it was awful and I shouldn't have done it.

I went to see my dad. I hadn't planned to but changed my mind last minute. I was so glad I did. He suffered with dementia, Parkinson's and had a lot of small strokes. In his last months he was contorted and in pain in between medication. When I last saw him at the funeral home he was at peace and looked relaxed.

I did it when a relative died quickly and I hadn't had chance to say goodbye. I was only young, about 19 maybe, and although it was hard I found there to be something really natural and primal about it.

I've seen several bodies since then, mainly on my partner's side who have open casket at home. It feels good, healthy even, taking caring of the empty vessel that took care of the deceased person when they were alive and it's given me a much greater respect for those who work with the dead.

I didn't see the bodies of my two most recently deceased relatives as I couldn't for logistical reasons and with one it really wouldn't have been the done thing. And that's fine too.

We’ve all done it! My sister once went to the wrong burial, and only realised when she recognised several people standing around a different open grave across the graveyard. In fairness, I think she was there for my parents, who were on holiday at the time.

My condolences to everyone, especially those going through this right now.

I'm Scottish and religion (and therefore, religious tradition) has never played a part in my life. I've attended many funerals, mainly family members, but was actively kept away from them as a child. The first funeral I attended was my Grandad's when I was 12. My parents thought I was too young and it'd too upsetting but I was given the choice and went. I wasn't given the opportunity to see him after his death but was with my other grandparents, 2 of whom died more recently, within 6 months of each other. I chose to write letters and have family members place them in the coffin instead.

I didn't see my DM - I wanted to remember her as she was when I had last seen her alive (she died quite suddenly).

I did see my DF, but in the hospital not long after he had died. I had been sitting with him while he was dying, but wasn't there at the end. He looked exactly the same as he had done all week, so it just felt as though it was another day of sitting by his bed. I don't think I would have wanted to see him in a coffin however.

Never, and never will. Had the opportunity to see my dm but declined

I’ve only ever seen my aunt’s body. She died suddenly, I didn’t believe it even though I knew she’d died until I saw her body, and I’d promised I’d make sure she was definitely dead before she was cremated. It was bizarre, I was terrified she’d come back to life even though that was all I wanted to happen.

I came out of the room feeling much lighter because I’d got to see her, spoke to her and kept my promise to make sure she was definitely gone. I went back on the day of her funeral to make sure she was looking decent and to say my last goodbyes to her in private.

My experience was similar. Having sat by the bedside all week I’d gone home to change and got a phone call. He looked completely different and so peaceful. From anxious and shrunken to magnificent. I hadn’t anticipated it but it was very healing.

fell for the “you’ll regret it if you don’t” and implied pressure to show I cared and really wish I hadn’t gone to see mum in funeral home.

somehow both horrible and nothing.

FWIW I can’t see what all the doing “meaningful” stuff with ashes is about though. my wishes are to have the ashes buried in cemetery.

That does seem to be the most common experience. I was surprised it was good for me and I don’t know I’ll do it for other family.

I saw a grandparent and wish I never had. I will never go again.
Ive always been scared of death and losing a loved one but took comfort in the the possibility of life after death. Following my grandads death, which is the only close death I’ve experienced, this has been shattered for me as I do not feel him around me in spirit and my last memory is his cold empty shell. He didn’t look particularly peaceful or like himself. It felt very final and more sad than comforting in my experience. My family did get more from it than me so it really is individual. My grandads death was sudden and unexpected so maybe the fact of him being here one moment and an empty shell the next also plays a part in how I’ve viewed my experience.

Went to see my dad at the funeral home a couple of times. Didn't expressly want to as I'd said goodbye in the hospice but my mum didn't want to go alone.

Ironically a few years later I became a funeral arranger so I've seen lots of dead bodies since, and shown a lot of families into the chapel. For those who don't want to see a coffin, you can ask for your loved one to be presented on a 'bed'. It's a trolley, but draped with sheets, and a pillow is used, so it looks more like they're resting. You do have to request this when you make arrangements though, because once a deceased has been placed in their coffin they won't be taken out again.

@LordSalem Im sorry to hear about your bad experience. It sounds as though the funeral home you used was not very skilled, and should not have presented your loved one in such a manner.

We didn’t visit my Mum, had no desire to at all.
As far as I was concerned she was gone.
The Funeral home did try to charge me £5 for “viewing the deceased”. I was outraged when I got the bill with it on - I posted about it on here!!
I got the charge removed but apparently they stuck it on as standard, probably hoping people wouldn’t notice

I'm going to scatter my husbands ashes in 2 places that he loved, both beaches. I'm hoping that in time it will be a positive and lovely memory to think that he will always be somewhere he loved and was truly happy...and I so loved seeing him happy there.

I understand it's not for everyone though.