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Original poster

Viewing of body at funeral home

213 replies

YayOrNae · 26/06/2023 21:37

Just watched Eastenders and family visiting Lola in the funeral parlour.

Have you visited someone who'd died prior to their funeral? Did you regret going? Or not going? Did it bring you peace?

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 26/06/2023 22:02

I'm Irish so I've seen a lot. I've been to two removals in the past fortnight although no one I know ever holds them at home they are always in the funeral home. It's just a very normal part of life here to go and see the person and pay your respects.

bonfirebash · 26/06/2023 22:03

No but I was with my mum as she died so I had already seen her if that makes sense
My dad wasn't there so he did go and said he was glad he did
I would rather he had been there with her at the end but that's another story

EarringsandLipstick · 26/06/2023 22:03

Like others, am Irish, so many times.

If it's not usual for you, though, you can only go on what you feel is right - and don't feel under pressure to do it if you'd prefer not.

Despite seeing many people laid out over the years, I did find it hard viewing my dad, and did so quite briefly (well I was in the room for hours during the removal but I didn't look much). In his case it was quite linked to his death which was quite traumatic.

In the hours after his death however; I spent a few hours sitting with him, chatting to my siblings & that did feel comforting.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/06/2023 22:05

Sorry! I just re-read your OP & realise your question relates to Eastenders & (thankfully!) not a bereavement of your own so ignore that part of my post.

Mossstitch · 26/06/2023 22:05

No, but then I don't see the point of funerals either so I'm probably the odd one! My dad had a direct cremation (discussed and agreed before he died) and thats what I've told my adult kids to do with me.

JaneJeffer · 26/06/2023 22:05

@Lilbunnyfufu that must have been so traumatic Flowers

Pollydollydoodle · 26/06/2023 22:06

I think it's very personal choice. I lost my Dad very recently and I was with him at home when he died. I decided that this would be my last memory of him. A few days before his funeral I changed my mind and wanted to go and see him but in the end I didn't because I was worried that he would look very different to how I was remembering him. I'm glad now that I stuck with my original decision not to go x

HarrietStyles · 26/06/2023 22:06

I went to see a grandparent when I was in my teens. I had nightmares and couldn’t sleep for years. In my head it turned my much loved grandparent into something to be feared. Wish I’d never done it. Still upsets me to think about it 25 years later.

JustLurkingAway · 26/06/2023 22:07

I went to see my Nan, she died during covid & so I hadn't seen her in a long time. It helped tbh to be able to really process that she was gone. She looked fine, just asleep really!

usernameV2 · 26/06/2023 22:07

Irish also, so too many to count. Not upsetting when you are not close to the person. And very consoling when you are close, in my experience. But it is cultural I guess.

Honeyroar · 26/06/2023 22:07

I saw my father in the hospital an hour after he died, he already didn’t look like my dad. I never went to the Chapel of rest. Treasure who they were..

3isthemagicnumberrr · 26/06/2023 22:08

I visited dd in the hospital a few days after she died. She died very suddenly and traumatically. Her clothes were cut off when they were trying to save her. It really mattered to me at the time to take her some clothes to wear, and to hold her one more time.

Lazyladydaisy · 26/06/2023 22:08

I've seen 4 relatives in the funeral home. 2 looked like they were asleep, 1 looked like a waxwork and 1 looked so completely different it was very upsetting.
I've lost relatives since and I decided not to go, a decision I am quite happy and at peace with.

beccahamlet · 26/06/2023 22:08

Yes. Only once, and I didn't find it helpful.
The person had gone.
Just an empty shell. :-(

MargotDeWitt · 26/06/2023 22:10

I am really sorry for your loss.

I wasn't with my father when he died. Seeing him again at the funeral home was shocking and upsetting, and I found the smell of the formaldehyde awful.
I was with my mother when she died, and myself and my sister were able to spend time with her and with each other, and it was a positive experience. I then went to see her at the funeral home, and it was upsetting, but not as bad as before. My sister and I had chosen her clothes together, and she had on a shawl I had crocheted for her. I cried a lot, but it was cathartic too.
Each time I felt that I had been expected to go. I am not sure that I would do it again given the choice.
Take your time to decide what you want to do, and what you think it will give you. I don't believe that there is a right or wrong decision. Just remember to be kind to yourself, and say goodbye however you wish to.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/06/2023 22:12

3isthemagicnumberrr · 26/06/2023 22:08

I visited dd in the hospital a few days after she died. She died very suddenly and traumatically. Her clothes were cut off when they were trying to save her. It really mattered to me at the time to take her some clothes to wear, and to hold her one more time.

I'm so sorry 💐

snowlady4 · 26/06/2023 22:12

I've viewed a view people; for me, neither helpful or upsetting. No strong feelings either way.
Apart from my mum.. I really wanted to see her as much as I could whilst I could. I wanted to check how she looked (would be important to her,) and put a few things in the coffin with her.

dudsville · 26/06/2023 22:14

It's a part of my culture to have open casket funerals, as well as the time before the funeral to spend more time with the deceased. I was 9 when i went to the first one. I remember it reasonably well. I wasn't frightened because it was so normalised. It was my mother's friend and my best friend's mother who'd just died unexpectedly. I'm always grateful for that. It helped me I think prepare for the losses that were to come that meant more to me. The toughest loss I've had is one grandmother in particular, and I was so grateful for the time, I really needed it in fact. I get that this won't be the case for everyone.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 26/06/2023 22:14

I don't think I've ever been to a funeral where I haven't seen the body and I've been to hundreds of funerals (Irish). I think the first one I went to was my grandad's when I was 9.

I wouldn't see it as a big deal but it's very much the norm in Ireland. If you didn't know the deceased, it's obviously not an issue. If you were close, then it can be quite comforting, even if the death was traumatic.

That said, I would expect if it's not the norm for you, then it could be a bit traumatic.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 26/06/2023 22:15

My grandma died the other day - I got there 10 mins after she died. I'd never seen a dead person but I didn't find it awful - I went in and hugged and kissed her and held her hand.

She definitely looked dead rather than sleeping - but not terrible or frightening.

My father was there and he had only seen a dead person in a funeral home prior to this - he said it was quite different to see and sit with someone who had just died than it was to see someone who had been in the funeral home.

It is quite a shock though go see your first dead person - whatever the context. I am finding the image of her lying their dead does keep coming into my mind and I am processing it.

Noseylittlemoo · 26/06/2023 22:16

I went to see my Mum when she passed . She had been made to look very nice and peaceful .
But when I saw my Dad and my Uncle I wished that I hadn't. They looked like bad waxworks not like the real people. I felt i needed to say good bye for the very last time especially as my Uncle died suddenly.

I think the difference was that my Mum was younger (60s) and more recently passed, whereas my Dad and Uncle were in their 80s/90s and had been gone 2-3 weeks before the funerals could take place.

Original poster
YayOrNae · 26/06/2023 22:16

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. @EarringsandLipstick thankfully not something I'm faced with at the moment, although have been a few times over the past few years. I've chosen never to go. Like others, I feared that'd be my lasting memory of them and I didn't want that.

It's strange, a PP mentioned them feeling like meat. My Aunty said my Grandad felt like pork. My Mum also said he didn't look like himself, I wouldn't like that. I agree, it's a very personal decision and there is absolutely no right or wrong when it comes to going or not.

Excuse my ignorance, but many Irish people have mentioned a 'removal'. What's that?

OP posts:
dudsville · 26/06/2023 22:16

Ah yes@snowlady4 , my mum has been preparing me for this, making sure that her hair and nails etc are how she wants them. I know that will be a precious final duty.

LadyWiddiothethird · 26/06/2023 22:17

My Dad and my husband,in fact I went to see my husband a few times,he died suddenly and I couldn’t accept he was dead.It was a lot of years ago but I am glad I went.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 26/06/2023 22:17

It is also weird not to see people especially if you were close to them - to know they're in the coffin but the lid is closed and you have no idea what they look like. Hard to process what has happened.