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Original poster

Viewing of body at funeral home

213 replies

YayOrNae · 26/06/2023 21:37

Just watched Eastenders and family visiting Lola in the funeral parlour.

Have you visited someone who'd died prior to their funeral? Did you regret going? Or not going? Did it bring you peace?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/06/2023 22:32

I think one of the reasons it might be traumatic / upsetting for English people is that in Ireland it's not any kind of artificial or subdued setting.

Whether it's at home or in a funeral home, there's great chat, often joking; lots of 'he looks well'; 'she's like herself, isn't she?' Or 'God love him, he's had a hard time of it'. People are very comfortable touching the body, maybe kissing them.

Also we do all this the day or two after they die. There isn't any embalming done usually; it's obviously different in the UK, as it could be weeks later. So I think people are a bit more like themselves.

tiggergoesbounce · 26/06/2023 22:32

Yes, i have done it twice.
The first time, i felt it was ok.
The 2nd time was awful, it broke my heart it simply didn't look like the same person.
It was horrendous.

tiger2691 · 26/06/2023 22:32

My mother, an empty shell tbh, her spirit had flown.

CopperSeahorses · 26/06/2023 22:33

Yes, my sister and DH. My sister was 3, it was many moons ago now and it was the first time I had seen her pain free. DH was much more recently, I helped dress him for his funeral and it felt like a final thing I could do for him, he also looked pain free (and free of his stroke) for the first time in weeks. DH looked just how he would've wanted to look in life once he was dressed for his final journey, it still gives me peace that I was able to do that for him.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/06/2023 22:33

CopperSeahorses · 26/06/2023 22:33

Yes, my sister and DH. My sister was 3, it was many moons ago now and it was the first time I had seen her pain free. DH was much more recently, I helped dress him for his funeral and it felt like a final thing I could do for him, he also looked pain free (and free of his stroke) for the first time in weeks. DH looked just how he would've wanted to look in life once he was dressed for his final journey, it still gives me peace that I was able to do that for him.

That's beautifully put.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister & your DH. 💔

ZeppelinTits · 26/06/2023 22:34

I saw my DS's Dad after he died suddenly from cancer. I think I was so shocked I just needed to see him and I couldn't believe he's died, it happened much more suddenly than we had assumed. I found it very traumatic and the sight of him like that stayed with me for a long time and stays with me still. But I'm actually glad I did. I wanted to do so for DS as he chose not the view him. In case he asked me questions later in his life. I also wanted to pay my last respects and process the death and it really helped to do that.

23careerhelp · 26/06/2023 22:34

I’ve seen four dead bodies in my time. Three elderly grandparents and my partner who died in a terrible accident in our twenties. I’m glad I saw them all, I found it really comforting afterwards and would definitely go to see anyone else in the future. I’d say the worst was my grandmother who I was actually with when she passed but she had been so ill for so long that she looked like a corpse even before she passed. With my partner, the police advised me not to see him as he had sustained serious injuries and said I should ‘remember him as he was’, I am so glad I ignored their advice and saw him as he looked peaceful and not afraid. If I hadn’t seen him I’d have imagined a much worse situation. I’m Scottish and I remember when my uncle died his coffin was in my aunties living room, by the time we’d travelled to their home for the funeral it was already closed but we would sit and chat have tea/drinks around the coffin and this really normalised death for me. A lot of people in the highlands still take their dead home before funerals and viewings aren’t always viewed as scary. My dad worked as a postman and was invited in to see one of the gentlemen he’d delivered the mail to! I think it helps but I also appreciate my upbringing probably helps as it was normalised. My partner has never seen anyone and decided not to see his grandparent which he is happy with. His family don’t talk about death at all and have a different attitude. We are all different and must be supported to grieve in our own way.

HerVagestyTheQueef · 26/06/2023 22:35

Not through choice or with body prepared for viewing in a funeral home... I went with DH so he could identify DBILs body at the mortuary; a policeman was with us.
I was sad anyway, but he had greasy hair and looked bad, as he was in a bad way with booze and drugs when he died. Seemed so sad and undignified to look unkempt so it upset me.
Also the emptiness is shocking. You can really see that your loved one is no longer there.

Imlateforlunchwithagruffalo · 26/06/2023 22:35

Yes, about 10 years ago one of the children in the family passed away, he was 6. I saw him in the funeral home as I went to dress him in his funeral clothes. I thought it would bring some sort of closure but it didn’t. I found the whole thing incredibly traumatic and couldn’t get the image of his face (especially his eyes) out of my head for many years after and I can still remember it now.

I wouldn’t want to see another loved one like that again, I’d rather my last memory of them was when they were alive, although I’m sure some people find comfort in it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/06/2023 22:36

BottomOfRock · 26/06/2023 22:28

Worth noting though and this won't be the same for everyone but after seeing my grandpa I had nightmares for weeks

I get that. I arrived at my parents home very shortly after my Mum had died and she was very peaceful and just looked asleep in her own bed. I wish I hadn't gone to the funeral parlour because what was there wasn't my Mum.

SapphosRock · 26/06/2023 22:38

Yes my DM. Weird and surreal.

I don't regret it but it was very sad.

Anoushkaka · 26/06/2023 22:38

Yes, Im Irish so it's normal over here. We have a different view on death and funerals in general though. We are very open and all are welcome including babies and young children. I actually went to see my DH uncle in the funeral home last week and his three young granddaughters were there, 2, 5 and 11.

I don't find it distressing at all.

stbrandonsboat · 26/06/2023 22:39

I saw my dh and didn't get anything out of it. They'd done his hair wrong and he was cold and hard, like concrete. I wished I hadn't gone, but at the time, felt I needed to, just because I wanted to be with him, but the person he was just wasn't there anymore.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 26/06/2023 22:39

No (and that includes both parents and a sibling) and I never intend to. I've also made it VERY clear I don't want anyone seeing me either.

I think I've coped pretty well with my bereavements and I genuinely don't think seeing their bodies would have helped.

I'd quite like to get through life without ever seeing a body.

Somatronic · 26/06/2023 22:40

Another Irish person here. I remember seeing my first body when I was maybe 4. It didn't bother me but a woman crying and pulling at the body shocked me. The dead woman was 103 so it wasn't a tragic funeral or anything.

I don't think I've ever been to a wake where I haven't seen the body, and we go to the funerals of people we don't even know (as in parents or siblings of friends, neighbours).

I once realised I was at the wrong wake when I went to look at the body and it was a man in his 80s and not the young man whose funeral I should have been at. That was rough.

Crinkle77 · 26/06/2023 22:42

I was with my dad when he died but didn't want to see him again in the funeral home. I wanted to remember him as he was and have no regrets.

TaraMock · 26/06/2023 22:43

Irish here too, so been to lots of wakes, removals, funerals and seen lots of bodies in caskets.
Because it's all I've ever known I don't find it weird or upsetting.

RufustheSpecuIatingreindeer · 26/06/2023 22:43

My dad went to the morgue to see my mum

at her funeral my dad, brother, my husband and my 18 month old saw her in the coffin

my dad wished he had only seen her in her coffin as she looked ‘more herself’

bonfirebash · 26/06/2023 22:43

BottomOfRock · 26/06/2023 22:28

Worth noting though and this won't be the same for everyone but after seeing my grandpa I had nightmares for weeks

I had nightmares after my mum died, her face once she was gone
In a way I'm glad my dad wasn't there but on the other side I'm still angry he wasn't there to be my dad and support me. I was alone with her and was looking for a more adult adult

Slay1981 · 26/06/2023 22:45

I did - my dad. He had cancer for 6 months before passing away. In the funeral home they did a great job, he looked better than he had done in ages! Xx

Meadowflower2023 · 26/06/2023 22:47

My wonderful FiL and my DF. It was expected of me but I felt really awkward and the images of them stuck with me for a long time laying there stone cold. I decided after the second time I'm not going to anymore if it's expected or not. I do understand it brings peace to many and that's really lovely but it's not for me.

Sarahtm35 · 26/06/2023 22:48

Yes I saw my grandma when I was a teen, but I was abit numb to it as if just done 2 weeks work experience at a funeral home. They don’t look like the same person so I wouldn’t recommend it . Can’t say it brings any peace in my opinion

VikingLady · 26/06/2023 22:51

My dad, and I'm glad I did. He looked like a cheap waxwork, and it was so clear that he wasn't in there any more that it made burying the body much, much easier. It made it really clear that it was just his old meat suit; it wasn't himself.

My grandad when I was a kid, because everyone else went and I wanted to be grown up like them. I'm glad, because I know he'd wanted that.

My granny. She had a huge funeral, she'd arranged it all in advance with relatives coming in from abroad to hold vigil and take photos (traditional where she was from), and she was laid out covered in a black lace veil. It was so surreal, like a film. Glad I saw. She'd have been very pleased with it.

Sensibletrousers · 26/06/2023 22:53

My Nan, who was 95. It wasn’t harrowing and I don’t regret it (was there to support my mum), but all I could think was “Nan is not here, she is a million miles from here somewhere peaceful, back with my long-departed grandad and her sisters and friends. She was not in that room.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 26/06/2023 22:55

My Nan, my everything. I don't regret it all. It brought immense peace, even though my legs gave way coming out and a lovely stranger walked up the street with me.

She looked so beautiful.

There was no other family support. I had a chat with her, lit a candle, stroked her hair and kissed her forehead.

She was put in the funeral home one street away whilst my Mum bogged off (again). I said to my son - I've never let Nanny be lonely in life, she's on 2 minutes away, I won't let her be lonely in death.

Yes, it's the best thing I did.