Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Surely even people who LOVE children draw the line at babysitting regularly, changing their entire lifestyle and cancelling their holiday and changing future holiday plans unless they’re the baby’s parent - and even then you can rule out a lot of the dads according to the threads on mumsnet alone!

But if childfree women didn't act as service human being to parents how would they fill their meaningless joy free love free lives?

It's surprising how the phrase so popular on here 'women are not emotional support animals' is ignored when the women are child free. People get misled by all that free time we have, I guess.

It's eye-opening in the worst way.

'Always been childfree. Lots of conversations about not wanting children.'

Very different things to - 'I can't stand children at all and hate being around them'.

I can understand not wanting to have children, but I think it's rare that people really hate being around them even for short periods of time, even when it's close friends or families children

'Active' shows about 100 most popular threads. About 10% have anything to do with parenting and I'm counting those with the slimmest link.

90% are about a massive range of other topics with no link to parenting: current affairs, feminism, house buying and selling, style, neighbour issues, music and TV, gardening, DIY, relationships....

I've been here for years and am happily child free by choice. I have no interest in, and don't comment on or read the minimal posts about school choices, labour or conception.

You appear to have missed the following sentence from the OP out of your quote

Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all.

I realise that you have 1000s of responses here (I’ve only scanned them so this might well be a repetition 😬), but just to soak that you are definitely not being unreasonable.

With two kids and no family support (also abroad) there is still no way I’d require my friends to babysit (either child free or not).

Why doesn’t she just hire a babysitter - someone who’s trained and actually knows how to/wants to look after a baby?!

Sounds like you’ve been a super supportive friend.

There is a massive difference in asking friends to help (although friends do have their own lives and so there should be a line) and drawing up a.rota so you can have child free evenings to date. This is not normal behavior.

It's a great group with lots of non child content

You've answered your own question there.

@Shebaguinea Have you told her to sort our her childcare issues yet?

What's so strange about it? Who is into cleaning up puke and vomit for an infant they don't know, don't love, have no connection with or responsibility for? You're basically saying there's something wrong with women who don't want to be dragooned into being free childcare for other people's children. We're not genetically programmed to gush over infants and offer our time to them. And no, it's not British, either. It may shock you, but not only are Mumsnetters not all mothers (or even fathers), but many are from other countries!

@Catsmere No, but definitely I think there's something odd about people strongly disliking children. That's quite different to not wanting to do free childcare. I don't know about the cultural thing. In Italy people always seem delighted to see the bambini! In the middle east people think they are a blessing. In France they stay up late in cafes, with their families.

I wonder if all the people telling the OP she is a terrible friend for not wanting to be on a babysitting rota are on elderly care rotas for their friends infirm parents

After all the elderly are people too. And if you don't think its reasonable to avoid shitting and puking and nappies then elderly care is shouldn't be an issue.

And if you aren't willing to support your friend during a very hard, very isolating time then what sort of friend are you?

Interesting that we have a shortage of carers as surely people are lining up to provide this level of support?

Do you think it's odd when men dislike children, or just women?

@Catsmere Yes, if they express strong dislike such as not being able to stand being round them. Same for men and women in my opinion.

I was wondering exactly this! Why aren't all these people out there rearranging their lives to look after friends' elderly parents?

I'm my mother's full time carer and I wouldn't dream of asking friends to do anything for her. It's not their job, that's what we have home care providers for. Admittedly I think our situation there is a lot better than in Britain, but even if my friends were young and healthy I wouldn't do it.

Then you're just going to have to get used to the idea that it is entirely normal and not remotely odd.

@Catsmere I have only heard such strong views expressed on MN! I don't know if it's trolling or perhaps in real life people have more restraint. Either way, I don't think I will get used to it, and will probably think that kind of dislike is due to some personal unhappiness.

Well I supposed we hadn't got to childfree people must be damaged somehow to not want kids so it's appropriate it's snuck in there at the end I guess, gives us all chance to complete out bingo cards

@Catchasingmewithspiders Nobody said that. We are talking about strong dislike, not the state of being child free for whatever reason.

Maybe people who dislike or simply don't want anything to do with children are inhibited from saying so to you because of your attitude? I know plenty of people who don't like, or dislike, children - including parents whose fondness for children is limited to their own. As for the "unhappiness" line, that's a ridiculous generalisation.

@Catsmere yes, maybe. I have kids and work with them.

Yes, and doesn't MN just demonstrate every day how ecstatic all the parents are? 🙄

I find it interesting that you think someone saying something you think is rude about children on a forum means they are deeply unhappy. But literally saying that is rude about those people who don't like children

So either you see that people might express things on a forum they wouldn't in real life but that doesn't make them any less normal. Or your willingness to make such comments about childfree people who don't like children must come from deep unhappiness in your life

Because being so rude about childfree people who don't like children is pretty hypocritical