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Original poster

Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

1000 replies

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 17:19

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

OP posts:
Shetextsme · 27/06/2023 21:56

CookieCutter8 · 27/06/2023 21:54

Where do I find the child free board pls?

Show quote history

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

JudgeAnderson · 27/06/2023 22:03

Again - don't make a choice and then expect other people to change their lives to accommodate that choice. It doesn't really matter what the choice is.

She sounds pissed off that she can't do exactly what she could before she had the baby, and therefore wants the entire group to change their way of being so she doesn't have to deal with FOMO. Whereas what she needs to take on board is that by opting to have a baby she has opted for a complete life change. Her friends have not.

She needs to get a paid babysitter so she can go out and spend some time with the friends but she also needs to accept that she will miss out on some stuff now, as she's now a mother.

CleverLilViper · 27/06/2023 22:12

ttcat37 · 27/06/2023 21:48

She clearly doesn’t want someone to cook or clean for her. She’s desperate for a night off! All she wants is someone to babysit who she trusts and the attitude coming off OP is “you chose to have a baby, so it’s your problem”. And yes, it is the new mother’s ‘problem’ but if your friends are giving off this attitude then imo they’re not really your friends! 100% shit mate. I don’t have kids but wouldn’t hesitate to help out a friend who is crying out for her friends to help out so they can get some respite.

Show quote history

Oh, do one.

She can afford childcare. She just feels entitled to have free childcare. All you CF posters who think the OP is so terrible for not wanting to sign herself up to a rota conveniently miss that part don’t you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
cestlavielife · 27/06/2023 22:18

Haha
If aNy friends want to they can
But you are all ok to say no sorry and point her to sitter sites
No rota
She is not undergoing cancer treatment

saraclara · 27/06/2023 22:21

She clearly doesn’t want someone to cook or clean for her

Well she was happy enough to accept multiple deep house cleans, multiple batch meals, multiple lifts to appointments, and OP coming round in the evening to keep her company @ttcat37

If she didn't want these things, you'd have thought she'd have turned down the offers, wouldn't you?

KimberleyClark · 27/06/2023 22:22

Hmm1234 · 27/06/2023 21:05

Does she think life is a Rom com? Group of friends raising a baby would never work out

Yes she clearly thought all her cf friends would muck in with the baby and become better happier and more maternal people.

ttcat37 · 27/06/2023 22:54

@standardduck I don’t think a rota is reasonable but it’s clear that for whatever reason she trusts her friends over the choices of babysitters. Perhaps she’s hoping that by getting her friends to babysit they’ll be more comfortable around the baby and be more willing to include him?

@Shetextsme no, I don’t think the OP should mould her life around her ‘friend’ but a good friend would compromise to try and help out in ways that they’re clearly calling out for. The attitude currently seems to be a bit mean girls, “you can’t sit with us” now she’s had a baby

Fossie · 27/06/2023 22:56

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/06/2023 18:32

I think it's sad that a group of friends won't help out their friend who is in this unplanned situation by babysitting what works out to be about twice per year!!

Choosing to be childless doesn't automatically mean never wanting to babysit. I find it odd that none of you want to help out occasionally.

I would totally understand if she was asking one person to babysit weekly or fortnightly, absolutely. But a couple of times per year for a good friend? Come on.

But clearly none of you want to, which is of course your choice. I hope she has a family member that can help her out occasionally as it's really hard having a child on your own and never getting a break.

Get a babysitter. Why should child-free friends be involved?

Shetextsme · 27/06/2023 22:56

ttcat37 · 27/06/2023 22:54

@standardduck I don’t think a rota is reasonable but it’s clear that for whatever reason she trusts her friends over the choices of babysitters. Perhaps she’s hoping that by getting her friends to babysit they’ll be more comfortable around the baby and be more willing to include him?

@Shetextsme no, I don’t think the OP should mould her life around her ‘friend’ but a good friend would compromise to try and help out in ways that they’re clearly calling out for. The attitude currently seems to be a bit mean girls, “you can’t sit with us” now she’s had a baby

But they have compromised.

Catsmere · 27/06/2023 23:02

ReadingSoManyThreads · 25/06/2023 18:32

I think it's sad that a group of friends won't help out their friend who is in this unplanned situation by babysitting what works out to be about twice per year!!

Choosing to be childless doesn't automatically mean never wanting to babysit. I find it odd that none of you want to help out occasionally.

I would totally understand if she was asking one person to babysit weekly or fortnightly, absolutely. But a couple of times per year for a good friend? Come on.

But clearly none of you want to, which is of course your choice. I hope she has a family member that can help her out occasionally as it's really hard having a child on your own and never getting a break.

Don't bet on it. I would never babysit, not for an older child let alone a baby. I have none of the required skills or knowledge or patience and don't like children at all.

billy1966 · 27/06/2023 23:06

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/06/2023 20:02

spot on, @CleverLilViper If you’re so empathetic, what do you think she should give in return for all the help she’ll be taking if she gets her way? Or do you think it should be a one way street like so many “it takes a village!” people do?

Wonder how many times the entitlemum has cleaned her mates' homes, watched their dogs, etc. etc. up to now.

All of the palavering about how depressed and lonely she must be. Yeah, that's why her childfree kids didn't, you know, have kids. If you decide to rear a child sperm-donated by a disappearing one-night-stand, and your family is on another continent, and your friend all are happily childfree, the chances of ending up lonely, tired and depressed are pretty much sky-high. She should have thought about that a little harder when making her choices, instead of assuming that her busy, childfree friends wanted to sacrifice their lives to her needs.

I wonder, is she claiming maintenance from the sperm donor? That could pay for some babysitters or a nanny.

She needs an au pair, not a rota of mug friends. OP, I hope you stop with the cleaning and the batch cooking. That should have ended when the kid was four weeks old.

Agree.

Just like I completely agree with the friends that are backing away from Ms Bossy who thinks because SHE decided to have a child she gets to dictate social outings to suit her going forward.

I would be long gone.

OP, becareful of losing your friends because of being over involved with the CF.

If she had an ounce of sense she would be getting an au pair in so she can have a life and enjoy her friends rather than trying to shove HER lifestyle choice down their neck.

Catsmere · 27/06/2023 23:06

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 17:37

I really appreciate these replies, thank you.

Our group is at a bit of a loss. People have started making separate chats for socialising because of it. It's become an issue in our group where we now get guilt tripped for going for drinks or a nice dinner because it's not fair on her 😬

I'll stand my ground. Tbh I've probably cleaned her house more than my own in the last 6 months. I'm going to do less.

We did suggest that we do a lunch once a month at a child friendly less expensive place but a) a few people said they didn't want to do that as they don't want to go to a crap restaurant at 12pm full of kids and b) friend with baby thinks that not enough and we should for the time being make sure our socialising is baby friendly, and once a month excludes her from most hang outs.

Her little boy is very sweet. I'm find with a 10 min cuddle, but I'm really not up for babysitting

She has you clean her house? The fucking nerve! That's not a "that's what friends are for" thing, that's getting free labour out of someone! I'd be dropping a friend who pulled this sort of shit, tbh.

Catsmere · 27/06/2023 23:15

MrsJellybee · 25/06/2023 17:55

She doesn’t sound as if she was actually childfree. She was likely always childless pretending to be childfree. Even to herself. My understanding of the term ‘childfree’ is that you would do anything to avoid having a child, not see an unexpected pregnancy as a ‘last chance’. Your friend needs to find some Mum friends. She can still see your group of friends as and when, but there is nothing in life that changes it like having a child. She is trying to act as a childfree person with a baby. Which is paradoxical. She can’t. And don’t any of you entertain this rota idea. Not now, not ever.

Yes, this. Accidental pregnancy from a ONS when she's 40 and she decides it's her only chance? And decides to keep it with neither family nor father around? "Oh I know, I'll get all my friends to commit to looking after the baby and doing housework and cooking for me, it's not like they have anything to do ..." That's not childfree. That's raging entitlement.

Catsmere · 27/06/2023 23:25

If you love someone, how can you not want to know their child?

Did you miss that this is a group of childfree women, several of whom at least don't like children? I'm with them. More, I'd be pissed off if someone wanted to do the reverse of the unifying element of the group and then impose their choice.

lemonchiffonpie · 27/06/2023 23:32

I wonder, is she claiming maintenance from the sperm donor? That could pay for some babysitters or a nanny.

No, she's not. She doesn't need or want his money, the OP said, and is well-off.

Catsmere · 28/06/2023 00:12

Shebaguinea · 25/06/2023 19:04

As far as I know it was casual, she told him, he didn't want to be involved, and she didn't contact him again. In her career (from which she's on maternity leave) she's very highly paid and she isn't interested in him contributing financially and doesn't need it. Money isn't an issue.

Show quote history

So she's even more entitled than I thought! She can afford babysitters, cleaners etc but she'd rather impose on her friends, who neither like nor have any experience with children.

If anyone's being a bad friend here, it's her.

Catsmere · 28/06/2023 01:09

queenMab99 · 25/06/2023 19:02

I think she has infiltrated your group, with the intention of persuading you all that you like children, and you will one by one get pregnant, or adopt babies...................but what sort of organisation could she be working for?

Best post yet! 😆😆😆

Catsmere · 28/06/2023 01:43

I don't think the actual presence of a babysitter is the problem here though. This woman has considered the group to be her friends for 15 years, and now a large part of the group have coolly made it clear that she is now surplus to requirements. I think she's looking for specifically their involvement because she's upset at that and panicking.

"Surplus to requirements" oh bullshit. Not wanting to change their lives to suit her completely unreasonable demands isn't saying she's surplus to requirements. She's trying to use them as an unpaid childminding and domestic labour force. She knows perfectly well they have no experience with children and for the most part don't like them. The OP has done far more than she should and this "friend" still isn't satisfied. Hell yeah I'd be letting her know she's made herself surplus to requirements with her demands, but that's not what's happening here.

RecklessGoddess · 28/06/2023 02:01

You're forgetting that none of the friends want or like kids, so none of them want to be looking after a child they don't want to. We had kids and it was our choice, not every woman wants, or even likes kids, and that is their choice too. So, no one should even be thinking that just because they're friends, means that any of them are going to want to be looking after the careless friend's kid. It's actually unfair of her to expect them to do it, especially when she knows they're don't like kids :)

Catsmere · 28/06/2023 02:18

Torven · 26/06/2023 07:39

I don't think people who want children realise that not wanting children is not just a mild preference, it's part of us. Like sexuality.

Absolutely. I apparently told my teacher when I was nine that I was never learning to swim and never having children (she'd been trying to persuade me with a "what about when you have kids and one of them's drowning" scenario). I thoroughly dislike being around small children; even the occasional well-behaved older ones don't inspire me with any desire for their company, and as for babies with their screaming and puking and shitting, forget it!

Catsmere · 28/06/2023 02:21

IBetGordonRamsayDoesntHaveTheseProblems · 26/06/2023 08:21

I agree. The writing on the wall has always been there about being childfree, years earlier than my sexuality.

I can remember being given baby dolls as a small child and not understanding why they were meant to be fun to play with.

By my mid teens I was fairly certain I wouldn't be having children.

I've tried holding a friend's newborn and honestly I felt nothing. DP took a picture of me and my face is a picture, I just look deeply uncomfortable. Other women were passing the baby around and cooing and I just couldn't manage that.

Children become far more interesting to me the more grown up and, well, adult like they become. I used to work with teenagers and enjoyed the job.

If a friend has a puppy though, I'll be all over it. Puppy has just chewed my fingers with little needle teeth? Adorable. Cuddles? Magical. I have a dog, I don't have a baby. It's for the best all round.

There's far too many people who have children by default, because it's the 'done thing', or through social pressure, and make a crap job of it because they never really wanted children in the first place. Imagine growing up as a child who wasn't really wanted. I'm sure social services would be far less busy if only people who truly wanted children had them.

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Same! I'll make a fuss of people's dogs or puppies and I'm not even a dog person, it's all cats for me. But babies/toddlers? I can't get away fast enough.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/06/2023 02:24

lemonchiffonpie · 27/06/2023 23:32

I wonder, is she claiming maintenance from the sperm donor? That could pay for some babysitters or a nanny.

No, she's not. She doesn't need or want his money, the OP said, and is well-off.

Whether she wants or needs it, she should claim it and bank it for the child. That's who it's for.

If she's too lazy to do so, my opinion of her has sunk even lower.

Catsmere · 28/06/2023 02:35

MargotBamborough · 26/06/2023 17:02

But it is up to the OP's friend to sort out her own childcare. The same is true of every parent. There are hundreds of threads on here by the married mothers of planned children expressing disappointment that their children's own grandparents are unwilling to provide free childcare, or that they aren't happy with how the free childcare is being provided, and the answer is always the same. Pay for childcare. And if you can't afford it, tough.

The OP's friend might not have chosen to become pregnant but she did choose to have a baby. The UK has some of the most liberal abortion laws in the world. She chose to keep her baby in the full knowledge that the father did not want to be involved, she didn't have family close by, and her friends are not interested in babies. It was a perfectly valid choice to make, but it was her choice. Not her friends' choice. They didn't sign up to be part of her child raising village. They actually signed up to be part of their own "no kids here, thanks" village. Hopefully they will be able to lean on each other as they get older, rather than relying on the children they don't have.

The OP's friend's child is very much not their circus, not their monkeys. But she now wants to change the unwritten rules of their friendship.

What she should do is pursue the father for child support and use the money to pay a babysitter once a fortnight so she can go out with her friends.

Show quote history

👏👏👏👏

OP has mentioned that friend has a history of trying to change arrangements the group has agreed on to suit her preferences, too. Honestly "friend" doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

CelestiaNoctis · 28/06/2023 02:45

I'll preface this by saying I have several kids. I love them. They delight me. They're annoying but they're mine. Other people's kids? Can't stand them.

Anyway. Going on from that. Asking anyone, even me with much experience in dealing with shitting and screaming etc etc, to deal with a young, breastfed baby, is just pure insanity. A breastfed baby is comforted solely by their mother. That's the whole shtick. Whether they're eating solids or not, that's what soothes them.

Also, where was my meals and cleaning when I had mine 🤣. I literally just got dropped and abandoned (when i didnt ask for anything or bring them with me anywhere) so I'm impressed you've even tried at all.

Catsmere · 28/06/2023 04:31

Thisshallneverpass · 27/06/2023 08:27

Only read first page but I have a different perspective. I would help. She is in a desperate situation and has no life/ no break for about 14 years with no childcare so yes I would help. I would not want my friend broken mentally and emotionally by not getting any respite. .

I would see it as if there are a group of you, then once a fortnight is surely only once every few months each? Yes I would help. It’s not that much of a pain for me and it would help my friend more than I can ever imagine. It might stop her from breaking.

You post does however prove the lie of ‘Friends are the new family’. Most friends are in friendships for the benefit it brings to them and any support is limited by the ease of delivering it and is conditional.

OP has repeatedly helped, deep cleaning and cooking for this woman who is on a very high salary, so much so she's not even bothering to get maintenance from the father. There's nothing remotely desperate about her situation. She could get a nanny, a cleaner, meals, but prefers to demand her friends cater to her wishes, like going on a childcare rota (this from a group of women who are childfree, don't want to be around children, and have no experience looking after them) so she can go dating again. The only desperate thing here is her level of entitlement - for which, going by OP's later posts, she has form.

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