Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

Maybe they have all disappeared now, but I made contact with an ‘Under Ones’ group when DS was new.

I thought you just really like her dog! 😆

And she can pay for a babysitter, someone who wants to look after a baby for an evening.

I really like children, and I regularly babysat for several friends’ babies before I had my own, but I would be cross if a friend expected me to commit to a rota !

To add, if she wants to go out, there are people who are paid to mind kids, called babysitters.

She’s bonkers. If I’m being really generous then she’s really in love with her baby and just hasn’t caught on that it’s all the hormones etc making her feel that way which obviously don’t affect all of you.
I think my kids are amazing, fascinating, beautiful angels but I don’t expect anyone else to think that! In the same way I don’t enjoy other people’s kids.
Tell her straight that you’re not available for babysitting and while you can support her as a friend, you’re not a stand in dad.
She definitely needs some mum friends. Local baby groups are good for this!

What has she said when people have been honest and said they don't want to babysit because they don't want to be around kids?
And if nobody has been honest and said this, why not?

So basically she just wants to carry on as before and use her friends as free child care.

She needs to get real I’m afraid.

Jesus she sounds mad and quite entitled. Was she entitled before? I have a baby and in a group of 4 friends I am the only one (2 by choice and 1 it never happened.) I would never expect babysitting or them to have the slightest interest in my child- I don’t in other peoples kids! I make a deliberate effort to see them without my baby and try not to talk about her too much, I get that it’s not interesting to them. I have other friends I can ask advice on sleep routines and go to the soft play with.

I really appreciate these replies, thank you.

Our group is at a bit of a loss. People have started making separate chats for socialising because of it. It's become an issue in our group where we now get guilt tripped for going for drinks or a nice dinner because it's not fair on her 😬

I'll stand my ground. Tbh I've probably cleaned her house more than my own in the last 6 months. I'm going to do less.

We did suggest that we do a lunch once a month at a child friendly less expensive place but a) a few people said they didn't want to do that as they don't want to go to a crap restaurant at 12pm full of kids and b) friend with baby thinks that not enough and we should for the time being make sure our socialising is baby friendly, and once a month excludes her from most hang outs.

Her little boy is very sweet. I'm find with a 10 min cuddle, but I'm really not up for babysitting

That babysitting rota idea is ridiculous. Many parents don't even get that from their own families. She needs mum friends to do things like softplay with, I'd never assume anyone without small children would be up for that.

She's being a CF but it's hard being a lone parent with no prospect of a break, ever.

I agree that it would be kind to visit her at her house at a time when the baby is asleep so she has some contact with people who she counts as friends.

If she hasn't made friends at something like NCT classes, she's likely to make fairly superficial friendships at baby groups and could feel very isolated.

She absolutely seems to think that as she's single and we have plenty of free time we should chip in and do a shift with her baby

Oh THAT old one. 'You don't have kids so you've nothing else better to do with your time.'

She seems very disappointed and like we're letting her down because the father isn't involved.

But none is us signed up for this. Indeed we were friends based on being CF for about 15 years.

I think she thinks we're being selfish. (Maybe we are, hence choosing to not have kids at all!)

This is exactly it.

You'd better suggest this PDQ, OP, because I can see her bringing the baby along to get togethers because 'she has no-one to turn to for babysitting.'

Your friend is being ridiculous and I suggest you and the rest if your group take a step back lest you further enable her CF behaviour however unintentionally.

She made the decision to carry to term, so she needs to stop acting like the victim of her circumstances and take responsibility for her choices. You and the rest of your friends weren’t involved in the ONS (unless this is a very different friend group than you’ve described thus far! 😝) and she’s trying to burden you with something that has nothing to do with you.

Off topic but how the fuck have you managed to find TEN child free friends? I can't find one!!

YANBU and generally you’re doing her a favour setting your boundaries now.

However, I can see how she’s got to where she is. I think it’s possible that she see her friends as family (which lots of people do) and has mistaken the role that you have all bonded over. Make no mistake, it is really hard coping with a baby and no family nearby, because generally those are the people you can make unreasonable requests to and not lose anything by asking.

I think in your situation I’d really make an effort to meet her in more adult environments and have nice meals out and not mind her bringing the baby along but also be aware that there is a time limit on that. Once they’re toddlers it’s much harder to try and do things like that but there’s always spending the odd evening in with her.

Try and encourage her to join a single parents group or even put the effort in at baby groups to make some ‘mum’ friends. She needs people at the same stage of life as her and have faith that it’s not forever and her life will resume as time goes on.

Did she ask you before deciding to have a baby if you would be hands-on? Where has she got the idea that you should all be on a rota? She chose to have the baby and has to adjust her life accordingly. Tricky and I would support where possible, but think you all need to clearly say you won't be baby-sitting, otherwise she will just keep trying to get you to do it. If she moves way from the group once she realises you are all not interested then so be it.

To be honest I would probably do this when the baby is older.

If she would put him to bed then go out and all I had to do was watch tv and check a baby monitor for an evening then id do it. But currently he only sleeps for about 2hrs at a time.

But i certainly don't want to agree to any kind of rota. I chose not to have a baby because I didn't want to look after one.

Which she seems very resentful of. She feels let down that we're not stepping up.

If she hasn't made friends at something like NCT classes, she's likely to make fairly superficial friendships at baby groups and could feel very isolated

That wasn’t true for me and I made some very good friends through baby/toddler groups (never did NCT). I’m sure that is the case for some but I wouldn’t want anyone reading that to be put off trying if that’s the situation they’re in.

The rota suggestion is WILDLY cheeky obviously but despite not having children I've never minded doing the occasional babysitting shift or child focused day out for a friend, especially a friend with no partner or family support nearby.

That's what friends are for surely? I don't base my friendship on whether people have kids or not; and I don't really see the giant issue with it. My allergic and pet hating friend has occasionally come and fed my cat when I've been in a pinch, because we're friends.

After your update I think the friends who won't even lower themselves to a child friendly restaurant occasionally don't sound much like friends at all. Not all less expensive restaurants are 'crap' 🙄

Some are DH old uni friends, a few more joined in later, and we bonded over going on vineyard trips and wine tastings.

Ooo I love children and babies but I would not commit to watching someone else's kid for any set period of time. As a one off emergency, sure. Regularly? No way! It is isolating being a new mother. I live in a different country to my family and it's been hard to make friends.

Personally the thing I've found incredibly kind is friends/family taking the baby when we're out for lunch or coffee so that I can eat in peace. I'll never forget when I went out with my friend and her husband finished his meal way before me and immediately jumped up and took my baby DS for a long walk so that I could eat in peace. It was heaven! You sound like you've gone way above and beyond, I'm just sharing what I personally found really special.