Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

She is in a desperate situation and has no life/ no break for about 14 years with no childcare so yes I would help.

Er, the baby is 11 months old. She has plenty of money, enough to refuse child support payments from the father, and can pay for childcare, sitters, or nannies.

There has already been so much help from the OP it is unbelievable.

I’d do it but I guess I’m just a better friend than you 😂 joking… sort of. But I’d happily babysit for my friend who had found herself in this situation if it meant taking some pressure off for her and letting her have a social life one evening a fortnight! I’m assuming she just wants to go out to dinner and not clubbing all night or something? I’d definitely be wanting to help my friend adjust and whether I liked kids or not wouldn’t really come into it - I’d do it as she’s a friend. Friends help each other even when it’s not their dream activity. I mean I’m super lazy but I helped my friend move house - hated every second but I love her so I did it!

Here comes another “I’d do it so I’m obviously a better friend than you” post.

No one is a terrible or bad friend for not acquiescing to every single demand a friend makes.

None of them have any experience looking after children especially young babies so why would she want them to be left in charge of hers? A remarkable casual attitude towards the safety of her child.

OP has helped in multiple ways. Her friend can also afford childcare. She just has a case of short arms, deep pockets.

Child free women don’t want to spend time with children. ok some might but many don’t. Her friends fall into that category of women who don’t. And there’s a difference between helping someone move house on a one off basis and setting yourself up for a regular arrangement of babysitting.

My DH expected my child free /adult children friends to offer the same type of support. I knew they wouldn't, so didn't expect it, but DH was under the illusion they'd be queuing up to babysit, I guess he was just hoping.....

We live far from family, so it's just us, alot easier than SP I guess but tough all the same.
Feel for the SP friend, especially as she probably thought her friends would rally round a bit more as seems a close group, but I can see that it's not a level the friendship group wants.

It's not about the level of friendship, it's that this is a group whose common denominator (other than this "friend") is being happily childfree and in several cases at least not liking children. Who the hell is she to place such expectations on them, especially since she can easily afford a nanny and other help - she's so well off she isn't bothering about seeking maintenance!

My DH expected my child free /adult children friends to offer the same type of support. I knew they wouldn't, so didn't expect it, but DH was under the illusion they'd be queuing up to babysit, I guess he was just hoping.....

Did your DH expect his own friends to babysit as well as yours? If not, why not?

@ttcat37 but they are already including him - they suggested a monthly meet up at child friendly place. You can't expect to have a group of 10 child free friends by choice who bonded over their love of wine, vineyards and child free lifestyle to change for 1 person who decided to have a child. They are already accommodating her a lot and no one is cutting her off. She is upset because they are planning a holidays where she can't come with a child - again, completely unreasonable.

I think she was in denial when she decided to have a child. She can't expect her friends to completely change their lifestyle and hobbies to fit into her new life that she has chosen.

She needs to find a babysitter she trusts, or go to baby groups and find mom friends.

I suspect @Ukrainebaby23 that your DH is a CF like the OPs friend. Likely expects that of women but would never expect his friends to line up to provide babysitting services.

It’s a very strange request, she will soon find mum friends but I doubt that they will want to babysit either! Tell her you don’t want to and she can pay a babysitter who actually wants to do the job.

I think your doing all the things a great friend would do, all the housework things I would have loved a friend to do.
how old is her baby? Does she have any family? Just looking at it from the other side, It’s all well and good when people say- she chose to have a baby. But until you have a baby you can never imagine how hard it is or how you will feel; hormones, lack or time, sleep, how your body is going to be, feeling completely alone- even though you might not be. You just think, ah looking after a baby that’s ok. It not- it’s draining. I think maybe she could just be lonely, feeling out of place in this baby/mummy world she hasn’t been in before and struggling with the whole life change. And with that not thinking straight and clinging to her friends. But she should respect you guys don’t have kids because you didn’t want them and not force you to be a part of this. A baby sitting rota is a bit crazy to ask, could she be worried that your relationships will slowly die off because your group doesn’t want a child tagging along and is trying to force you to spend time with the baby? Again wrong but would be driven though feeling alone and struggling.
she does need to have new mum friends of her own, but that can be hard, many mums at these groups are very clicky and unfriendly, unless she’s an outgoing person she might Struggle, it can be quite daunting. Could someone maybe go with her to just one (and make it clear it’s only for the first time, just to get her in the door)
Anyway, you should just make it really clear how you feel and that it’s not going to happen but be gentle. Once the baby’s a bit older she will find it easier. Could just be a desperate reaction to the situation she’s suddenly in.

There’s absolutely no chance I’d go with her to any kind of baby group so she can make friends. Not because I don’t like children but because I’d feel awful setting her up with other mums and inflicting her entitlement on them. What will she be demanding from them when she’s already demanding her current friends give up their holidays? If she’s losing friends it’s because she’s being awful. She’s like the mums you read about on AIBU who take advantage of people with stuff like lifts to school for their kids because they work and the person posting doesn’t etc.

LOL at expecting the OP to go with her friend to baby groups. This thread is batshit.

@Catsmere "OP has mentioned that friend has a history of trying to change arrangements the group has agreed on to suit her preferences, too. Honestly "friend" doesn't sound like much of a friend to me."

This is the key nugget in the posts.

She's always been an entitled selfish CF, so no surprise whatsoever that would leak into her behaviour as a parent.

She's a user and the OP has made a tit of herself "deep cleaning" her home every two weeks and "batch cooking" for her.

I bet the others in the group who are rightly having none of it and backing the hell away from Mrs Bossy Batshit, think the OP has been made a right mug of.

I would be putting distance between the OP and myself if I was in that group of friends, as her poor boundaries entertaining Mrs Bossy would irritate me too much to be around.

I have a baby and avoided baby groups at all costs on maternity leave. Why on earth would someone child free by choice go to one? Especially as they are probably working anyway.

I would be putting distance between the OP and myself if I was in that group of friends, as her poor boundaries entertaining Mrs Bossy would irritate me too much to be around

Nice one, blaming a kind-hearted person who now wants to put her foot down.

Couldn't agree more!

(About Ms Bossy Batshit, I mean.)

God I'd step back & distance myself greatly from this "friend ". She needs to make new mum friends, not expect her deliberately child free friends to suddenly bend to her baby. No thankyou

OP has cleaned regularly, cooked and given lifts for CF friends. Only she knows what her boundaries are, but she's gone well beyond what a lot of people would call giving reasonable help. CF friend has therefore assumed that if one friend will do all this grunt work why wouldn't the others?

I think it's time OP said I've done my bit. This isn't a newborn, the baby is nearly a year old CF has had plenty of time to get her support in place.

The OP and her friends have exactly the qualities you’d want in a babysitter though, zero experience, unwillingness, and a dislike of children. I can see why she’d be desperate to leave her son with them. Fucking lol.

Clearly for some people true friendship is measured by a willingness to shoulder whatever entitled shit your friend wants to demand. For those this applies to: whoever taught you that was lying to you, or they were describing a doormat and you badly misunderstood.

This is really concerning to me.
Your friend is well able to afford good quality, 1:1 childcare but instead she is trying to browbeat and twist the arms of women who have all told her that they don't like children so she can leave her baby with them. In your case she has even seen for herself that you are unable to hold her baby comfortably for just a few minutes.
This is beyond cavalier disregard for the comfort and safety of her bub.
I would be worried about post-natal depression.

It sounds odd that she would think it's ok to ask for that. Is she emotionally mature, on your view? Also, is there any chance she is suffering from post-natal depression?

I mentioned pnd earlier. I've known people with it act very strange.

I’m a mum with plenty of child free friends.
the other week my friend offered to have my kids, and I said that was very kind but I’d rather do something with her (with or without the children)

If my friends are going to give up their free time for me, I want to be spending that time with them

how many times do we tell women it’s ok to say no to things?

is babysitting for your single friend in case people think you’re a shitty pal the exception?