Children Who Ignore Adults?

[JoJoBoZoe]

When did this become a thing and since when do parents allow this rude behaviour?

Whenever I'm on the school run or at parties and I meet with parents, I aways greet them and say hello and also hello to their child.

The amount of children that don't reply and ignore me and the parents say nothing is ridiculous! They just say " she's in a mood or she's tired "

I was raised, when an adult was speaking to me, that I answer them. If I'd have tried to ignore someone my Mother would have made me reply and would have embarrassed me.

Have all basic manners gone out of the window?

Screen time before school.

In school they are told to shut up and be quiet, unless they're quite bright, put their hand up and answer the teacher's questions. After that they have to shut up again.

When they go home many have screen time, lots and lots of it.

They might communicate via the xbox.

Most don't pop to the local shop for errands and they don't walk to school with friends as mum or dad takes them there and back. They are never without their parent when out and about and the parent does all the interacting with other adults.

Not much opportunity to learn how to speak eloquently and with confidence.

OP, I agree with you. It’s rude to ignore someone when they greet you. We do children no favours if we let them think that’s ok. I was a very shy child, but I could summon the courage to smile and say hello to my parents’ friends: I’d have been told off if I didn’t.

Screen time before school.

Well I can’t speak for anyone else but my children don’t have screen time before school.

In school they are told to shut up and be quiet, unless they're quite bright, put their hand up and answer the teacher's questions. After that they have to shut up again.

If anything, I would say children are listened to and their opinions respected more at school now than ever before.

When they go home many have screen time, lots and lots of it.

Do you know all these children you’re talking about personally? Or are you just making more assumptions? Sure, some kids have too much screen time, but those same kids might be the chattiest. How would you know?

They might communicate via the xbox.

As above… not really relevant.

Most don't pop to the local shop for errands and they don't walk to school with friends as mum or dad takes them there and back. They are never without their parent when out and about and the parent does all the interacting with other adults.

Ok. Shall I’ll ask my 5, 4 and 2 year olds to pop to the shop for milk tomorrow before taking themselves off to school? My kids regular talk to other adults they’re just not forced to if they feel shy/uncomfortable. If it comes from them which it often does, that’s fine.

Not much opportunity to learn how to speak eloquently and with confidence.

Unless you’re going to look for specific classes to teach this (which seems pushy) surely it just evolves naturally with experience/age?

Do you have children? Under age 16? Because I find it’s always so much easier to judge when you’re not in that stage of your life yourself. Every generation thinks their own upbringing was the ‘best’ way. ‘We had respect in our day.’
‘Wouldn't of got away with that with our mum.’
I mean the phrase ‘children should be seen and not heard.’ Came from a previous generation, I think we have thankfully come on leaps and bounds since then. Our children are not performing monkeys, created to make us look good for having such polite little darlings.

Really that is not how it works. Once a child is in school they will have to speak, if a child is ill the need to be able to tell a nurse/doctor what is ailing them and then surprise surprise the will become an adult and they will need to speak to a potential employer or their benefits advisor. It will be a bloody lonely life for a child if they choose not to speak.

@YoucancallmeKAREN it literally is how it works

SEN and similar issues aside, how are kids supposed to learn manners if they're not taught something so basic as it's rude to ignore someone who's speaking to you?

My son is autistic- he doesn’t always answer when people talk to him.

If I speak to a child and they don’t answer, I usually presume that they don’t want to talk to me, don’t know who I am or don’t like me (unless it’s my niece- then I knock she is in one of her moods!). Either way I don’t really care.

I’m afraid so. I notice this a lot. Along with not saying please or thank you, not staying at the table till the end of a meal , not thanking people for presents.

Exactly this.

I think, OP, the example situations you've given- parties and the school run- are not great for making some big point about children's manners in 2023.

Busy, loads of people, faces both familiar and un, noise, rush, and in the case of the school run, mental preparation for what's to come that day. I doubt my 6yo greets many of the adults we see- usually because she won't even have recognised or seen them or heard their "hi". In a different environment, like on a relaxed walk or in a shop or on the bus, I'm sure it would be different.

Also, the way you've responded to some posters on here is NOT good manners IMHO!

Same with my 7 year old, she is like it with other children too. She has play therapy at school to try and help her communicate better. I dread it in the supermarket when people try and say hello to her as she gets really anxious and looks at the floor. I say hello to everyone and have been brought up to say hello, please, thank you and bye so she sees me do this daily. I would never stand there and force her to say hello, does that make me a shit parent OP?

Yes absolutely but manners are all about others expectations so of course they don't override the child's own feelings.
I want my children to trust their own feelings first and foremost, (and everyone else should be trusting their own.)
I'm teaching them once they're feeling well enough to think, they can think about others feelings, starting with those closest to them eg family and friends.

Child may be neurodiverse
Child may be socially anxious
Shy
Have experienced trauma
They just don't want to speak to you

I don't expect children to reply to me and I don't expect adults to. It's complicated and you just don't know what other person is dealing with.

Your view seems quite old fashioned to me, like children must defer to adults. Maybe they don't want to talk to you. In the same way that you shouldn't expect hugs from people, they also do not have to communicate with you.

Obviously there are dc who have SEN etc that can't reply that is a totally different thing to simply having no manners! Fwiw i have two dc with ASD and ADHD and both were still taught manners! If you don't have any issues not acknowledging someone when they speak to you is rude and ignorant, the parents that fail to teach their children the basics are setting them up for a life harder than it needs to be!

@gettingoldisshit

Obviously there are dc who have SEN etc that can't reply that is a totally different thing to simply having no manners!

Right; but OP doesn't know. None of the posters making judgements here in children who do not talk when spoken to will know of the child has SEN or no manners.

When DD was younger even i didn't know

Jesus wept. I'm all in favour of kids being taught to maintain appropriate boundaries but since when did having boundaries mean that you don't need to observe the most basic of manners?!

Yep, this would not wash in any workplace I have ever been in. I’m fact in my current workplace, this sort of behaviour would be in breach of the workplace values and the expected conduct of staff.
If someone walks into the office and says good morning, a response is the social norm and to ignore them would be perceived as rude in the workplace.

I also agree that SOMETIMES the anxiety for children and adults is that they don’t understand what is expected of them and worry about having to make chit chat.

A clear explanation that all is required is a breezy hello or good morning, and then they can keep walking or working or whatever they are doing, can help alleviate that worry. And also up skills them for the future workplace, and making good relationships with friends and teachers and colleagues etc.

We often have young appreciates for interview. And I’ve noticed an increase in those that won’t make eye contact and look at the floor and mumble. And it’s hard to tell if they lack enthusiasm or competence. And I would be extremely reluctant to have them having customer contact. These really are vital skills for the workplace. And it’s easier to start at a young age.

I do appreciate that for some individuals though this is much more challenging. And in my first comments regarding KS2 I am absolutely sure it’s a manners thing.

It is hardly surprising that so many young people and adults are suffering from social anxiety if their parents are failing to teach them the very basics from early childhood. How on earth would they feel confident about interacting with people effectively if they haven't been supported to develop these skills from an early age.

Shyness is not rudeness. It's really unelpful for socially awkward kids to be admonished.
Plus, kids don't care to interact with adults in general, especially if they're basically strangers.

The Op is talking about 6 year olds - which is still very young and they have years to learn social norms. If there are 6 year olds working in work places there are much bigger issues at stake.

My children took longer to learn consistently than 6 - as do many children - the behavior was model prompted and slowly became normal to them - set backs were usually the odd adult who'd insist on verbal response - that frequently made them worse for a bit.

Shyness in children is not rudeness and frankly people making a big deal when they encounter it are unhelpful. At 6 lack of acknowledgment isn't outside norm at 16 I'd argue it is - odd wobble specially post covid is probably less worrying.

I would be worried by older teenagers/early adults who can't do hellos and normal interactions but then I learnt a lot with post 16 summer jobs in workplaces that in our area do seem harder to get. DH talks to graduate recruiters and they all say to him they like students who worked - they don't care at what - but some job some formal workplace environment -and I suspect it because you do practise social norms and unwritten workplace rules - and learn to cope with new situations.

It's not something I can get worked up about to be honest.

Mind you, I've got a 5 year old who says hello to everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) we pass in the street, no matter how strong the 'I just want to be left alone' vibes they give off are 😬

My 6 year old is like this. It is one of a small collection of behaviours which are pointing to some sort of SEN. She just clams up. If I push it, it makes things worse. What would you suggest I do?

Yes, they are six and many of them won't have mastered social norms yet. But some posters seem to think that they don't actually need to master them at all... and that, if basic politeness falls outside their "boundaries", then that's fine, they shouldn't have to bother.

Personally, I don't think anyone is doing their kids any favours by teaching them that "boundaries" = permission to be as rude as you like.

Of course some 6yos will lack the confidence and/or the social skills to be able to respond appropriately. That is entirely to be expected. The issue is whether the adults around them see it as a teaching opportunity to help them build their confidence and social skills or whether they just shrug it off and say, oh well, that's fine if they want to be rude.