Can I talk to someone about this 'practical joke' it was years ago but it still affects me

[Unfunnyjoke]

Occasionally this pops up again in my mind and I really struggling to process it. It's been 5 years since so I don't know why I can't get over it.

I have been through so much trauma in my life, abuse, the deaths of my children, cancer... you get the picture. I'm usually a person who compartmentalises and just gets on with stuff because there's no other choice, but this feels really different.

My ex and I had been together 4 years, just had our second child (3 days beforehand) our older dc was with family for a few hours while I rested after a traumatic birth.

I was dozing off between breastfeeding and then he nudged me and told me to look at the TV.

There was breaking news on there, and all this awful footage of shit going in in the world that didn't look right at all, then they started on about nuclear threat, said the PM was getting taken to a bunker etc. I messaged the person who had my dc and then tried to call and got no response. I was absolutely terrified, picked up my baby, sobbing because I was terrified she would die and that my older dc would die without me there.

Then the report said that a nuclear bomb was imminent and went off air. I was sobbing and felt sick, started putting my shoes on to run and get my older dc.

Then ex started pissing himself laughing, it was a YouTube video, made to look realistic and that it was breaking news that the UK was getting bombed and we were all going to die.

He had messaged my family member saying to ignore my calls because I needed rest and was worrying about older dc.

He found it hilarious, and I just couldn't get over the cruelty of it.

My ex before him beat me up several times and I feel like I'm over that, but this... I just can't seem to. Every time I think of it I feel sick, the fear of my babies dying after the losses of my older two children..

I can't understand, I've had 'worse' things happen to me and feel sort of OK about that, but this.. I don't know.

Does anyone have any idea why this hits so hard after all these years? How I can try and process what was essentially a practical joke or just make me feel a bit better by telling me what a twat my ex is

I feel like I'm going mad by still being upset about this.

That is horrific. What an utter wanker. Your reaction and subsequent inability to make sense of it is completely normal I think. What a twat he is.

You were breastfeeding a baby and feeling vulnerable he picked up on this and did a very nasty in my opinion joke. Any joke that upsets anyone is not funny, believe me I grew up with the fat comments and being told “we’re only joking” no they weren’t.

That's the behaviour of a right psycho.

What kind of psychopath would find that funny? You poor thing. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, just wanted to say your ex sounds like a deranged arsehole. Thank God he's an ex.

God he is an awful excuse for a human being, I'm so sorry you experienced that. I hope you can come in time to focus on the valiant steps you were willing to take as a mother to look after your children when the worse came to it. You have proof of your strong ethical backbone and love.

what a traumatic experience. It is not a practical joke. I’m so sorry you went through that. I wouldn’t be surprised if that gave you ptsd and you may find therapy useful

I don't think my relationship could survive this. It's abusive and no kind person would do it. Could you be still upset because you're deeply disappointed in who you married and this is the proof of his horrible personality?

That said, this is seriously upsetting to a new mum and could cause PTSD. You need to talk to someone.

What a horrible, cruel thing to do anyone, let alone a woman who's very recently given birth. That wasn't a joke, it was abusive behaviour by your ex. No wonder you feel traumatised by it.

That was the catalyst for the split, every time I looked at him after that I just couldn't forgive the calculated behaviour of trying to make me scared my children were going to die when I had just given birth.

He said I was overreacting and it was just a joke, and, in fairness we did joke around a lot, but it was all pretty innocent stuff.

Even talking about it now brings that feeling right back, and I don't know how to process it at all.

You had just given birth and your hormones would have been all over the place. I remember feeling an overwhelming need to protect my new baby from any kind of risk or danger, just ordinary stuff through like taking them home from the hospital. So for this to happen. What an absolute idiot and scumbag this man is.

That was a very sadistic thing for him to do and it’s no surprise that you still feel shaken. At a time when he should have been giving you support he did something to scare you. Emotional abuse can hurt in a weirder and longer way than physical abuse, and this isn’t just a ‘practical joke’ - the timing makes it cruel and if he was just being idiotic and thoughtless then he would have stopped and apologised and been mortified once you were reacting the way you did. From my own and friends’ experiences I think there’s something very chilling about the person you think loves you seeing you at a moment of great pain and vulnerability and twisting the knife. It’s not as dramatic as angry violence, and it’s easier to minimise and gaslight, but something about the cold deliberateness of it can really show you someone’s character.

Also obviously thinking the world is literally ending and every one you live will die is traumatic!

I don’t know how you process it though, maybe telling other people about it so you can see that others understand it was more than a ‘joke’ will be grounding?

"Does anyone have any idea why this hits so hard after all these years?"

Because it wasn't a "practical joke", it was an act of abuse. I would say your ex putting you through this experience is equal to your other ex beating you. One caused physical harm, the other caused psychological harm.

At a time when you needed to feel safe so that you could nurture your newborn baby, the person who should have loved you and who you should have been able to trust made you feel unsafe.

I don't think this is something you can just forget about or get over. Perhaps with other experiences that you say were worse, you have been able to deal with them because there was some logic, for example, if someone dies it's an awful bereavement but perhaps they had an accident or had been ill so your brain says 'ok, this is not what I want but I can come to accept it'. Whereas with this experience, there was no logic, no build up, not outcome, it was just an act of harm out of nowhere - it's difficult to rationalise.

I wonder if counselling or CBT might help?

I'm so dreadfully sorry for you, that you've gone through such traumas in your life. How is your life now? Is there anything you enjoy at the moment?

I'm failing to see how that was a joke. Nothing funny about that at all. What an evil bastard.

I've never really told anyone bat the family member who had my child (who I went and got immediatly) he downplayed it and made me feel so stupid and small for being upset so I never told anyone again.

In my head I know 10 minutes 5 years ago isn't all that important, but I can't shake the feeling.

It's only two or three times a year it springs to mind again, so I don't dwell on ot all the time or anything, it just really upsets me when I remember.

Thanks for allowing me a space to talk about this.

When someone wants to hurt you without taking responsibility they will say it's a joke, they can then call you miserable for not laughing. Double win for them.

It was no joke. He knew that. It was premeditated. He did it at one of the most vulnerable times of your life. What was he like in the rest of your relationship? How were your birthdays when you were with him?

Thank God he's your ex
What a massive wanker

This. It was an act of abuse.

Only you know if this was a really poor excuse of a " joke" or not. If it isn't then yes, he was sadistic wanting you to suffer and panic so soon after you've given birth.

You had a death shock. It’s a real trauma. The fact it wasn’t really happening, doesn’t mean it wasn’t real to your psyche at the time. You thought you and your children would die. That leaves a mark.

Trauma is caused by something Unexpected, Dramatic, Isolating where you have No Strategy to deal with it.

The fact that this was caused by someone who is supposed to love you at a time you were at your most vulnerable is cruel, and dare I say it. unforgivable.

Ideally you would find a very supportive therapist who will help you to access that moment in a safe way, then allow you to process the trauma and move on from it in a gentle way.
A question I would have is was this just spectacularly misjudged and he’s apologetic, or is it revealing of his character?

Theres nothing wrong with you for feeling like this. It was a horrible thing for him to do.

I thought the relationship was great at the time.

Now I've been single ever since I realise it wasn't great, he just wasn't beating me up.

Even in labour my waters went on the bed, he shouted at me, then he slept on the couch with a warm duvet while a struggled in labour on a tiny chair, trying to sleep. Then after the birth he messaged his family and sent them a picture of the bed because I had pooed while I gave birth and he was both disgusted and amused by that (didn't find that out until after we split).

My life now is good. I had another bout of cancer and a stroke, but I'm retraining so i can WFH, and enjoying being at home with my girls while I do that, more than happily single and getting on fine. My girls are my absolute pride and joy, he sees them every second weekend, he does try to manipulate them like he did to me, but they are wise and strong and they see right through him and don't tolerate his behaviour, which makes me so proud.

I missed the post where you said you split. I’m glad you have.

At a time when he was supposed to cherish you, he mocked you, humiliated you, and put his needs first, even before playing a cruel joke.

What a horrible excuse for a man. It seems like his mental age is of a immature schoolboy.

I’m glad you stood up for yourself and your children and didn’t put up with his crap.

Can you re-frame it to yourself that instead of years of dripping mental torture he could have inflicted upon you and your girls, it came down in one fell swoop and enabled you to see him clearly and begin the separation process? See it as if he did you a favour which allowed you to get away sooner and not waste any more time on him. That's maybe too simplistic, given how awful you must have felt, but maybe worth a try. Definitely, a qualified therapist would be the best option to work things through with.

“Practical jokers” are almost always inadequate men. I’m sorry this happened to you op. You did not deserve that and well done on leaving him.

That's true, it may have taken quite some time for me to see him for who he is had he not done this.

I may have even still been with him, and my girls would be seeing me getting treated like crap and not even realising it.

I really did think they would die, I remember feeling so scared that my older dd wasn't there and the thought of her being so scared and not have me there to hug her and calm her and hold her as the worst happened was physically painful, then looking at the face of my sweet newborn baby and feeling so ashamed that I had brought her into the world just for this to happen, it's so upsetting.

I bet my ex doesn't even think of it anymore, whereas it will never leave me, absolute arsehole.

Thank you all, it's actually really helpful to talk about this.

Tricking someone into thinking they are going to die, and that their child might also die when they have no chance of getting to them, is not a practical joke. It is horrific psychological abuse.