Can I talk to someone about this 'practical joke' it was years ago but it still affects me

[Unfunnyjoke]

Occasionally this pops up again in my mind and I really struggling to process it. It's been 5 years since so I don't know why I can't get over it.

I have been through so much trauma in my life, abuse, the deaths of my children, cancer... you get the picture. I'm usually a person who compartmentalises and just gets on with stuff because there's no other choice, but this feels really different.

My ex and I had been together 4 years, just had our second child (3 days beforehand) our older dc was with family for a few hours while I rested after a traumatic birth.

I was dozing off between breastfeeding and then he nudged me and told me to look at the TV.

There was breaking news on there, and all this awful footage of shit going in in the world that didn't look right at all, then they started on about nuclear threat, said the PM was getting taken to a bunker etc. I messaged the person who had my dc and then tried to call and got no response. I was absolutely terrified, picked up my baby, sobbing because I was terrified she would die and that my older dc would die without me there.

Then the report said that a nuclear bomb was imminent and went off air. I was sobbing and felt sick, started putting my shoes on to run and get my older dc.

Then ex started pissing himself laughing, it was a YouTube video, made to look realistic and that it was breaking news that the UK was getting bombed and we were all going to die.

He had messaged my family member saying to ignore my calls because I needed rest and was worrying about older dc.

He found it hilarious, and I just couldn't get over the cruelty of it.

My ex before him beat me up several times and I feel like I'm over that, but this... I just can't seem to. Every time I think of it I feel sick, the fear of my babies dying after the losses of my older two children..

I can't understand, I've had 'worse' things happen to me and feel sort of OK about that, but this.. I don't know.

Does anyone have any idea why this hits so hard after all these years? How I can try and process what was essentially a practical joke or just make me feel a bit better by telling me what a twat my ex is

I feel like I'm going mad by still being upset about this.

Thank you all again. I am eternally grateful and I'll never forget your kind words.

Speaking about this and having my feelings validated has already made me feel a million times better.

I have started the ball rolling with seeking some help, which should hopefully be sorted out fairly quickly.

Thank you to everyone who shared their stories, their advice, ideas, and rage at my ex. I'm so sorry that so many of you have suffered like this too.

Nest of vipers my arse 🤣

Yes, me too, and I sometimes wonder whether I'm too detached about things I read. This was so twisted. Not just him, but setting you up with family members to ignore your calls?? Just, wtf? I'd barely trust anyone if they played along to brush it off. I normally think well of people, but I hope that proportionate karma catches up with this ghoul before long.

Sometimes you do but therapy is oddly boundaried in a way. I can go from literally sobbing in his office to drive home and go to tescos and it doesn't bother me. Its like the falling apart only happens in the room with him then when I leave the house its easy to pull myself together again. Like I leave it there, you know? It's hard to describe really.

As for your ex, if you killed him in his sleep and I was on that jury, you would not be convicted. I'd kill him. Honest to god if I were in your position I would literally murder him. Thee is something fundamentally wrong with him to think that would be remotely funny or acceptable.

It was awful, my feelings are valid, I deserved better, and I'm justified in feeling traumatised by this.

Absolutely.

I'm glad you were brave enough to post and tell us about it. And I hope that having hundreds of posts, hundreds of women, all telling you the same thing - that you are right - helps you.

god that really is horrific! I’m so glad you are free of him. I was terrified of nuclear war growing up, all the scary ads and utterly inadequate suggestions of how to survive, so totally get your terror, even without being so vulnerable from having just given birth and lost a child before.
Hood thing about EMDR is that it can be effectively really quickly compared to just talking therapies, so if you can find someone accredited then it will be well worth it.
And huge well done bringing up such strong and resourceful daughters.
I’d give you a big hug, but that’s just not Mumsnet! 😉

Snap @airmaxJ

im in awe of your amazing protective instincts OP.

your children are lucky to have such a fantastic mum.

This is absolutely horrible and I'm so sorry for you. Have you heard of EFT (emotional freedom technique)? It's tapping on certain pressure points on your body to release emotions. You can do it on yourself-there are hundreds of online videos for free. Or, you can see a practitioner who will do it for you. I tried this after a horrible incident on the tube which lead to a panic attack and horrible anxiety and it really helped. I'm 85% better and still working on it. They use it on veterans with PTSD too.

Honestly, don't be too impressed, I'm great at being organised in an immediate crisis, but when it comes to life just getting on top of me, or anything else that requires any organisation whatsoever I am absolutely rubbish 🤣 and even though I manage to sort everything quickly and calmly when there's a crisis , I then spend the next 4 days shaking and generally being a mess. I spend most of my time just winging my way through life and hoping for the best tbh.

I can't tell you how much confidence this thread has given me, I now know this situation isn't just me being stupid, I'm justified feeling this way, I got the confidence to start the ball rolling on seeking some help, and (on a purely selfish level) I'm absolutely chuffed to bits to have been called a good Mum, my girls tell me, but the only time I hear anything else about my parenting is when ex lists all of the millions of things I apparently do wrong (I'm a total recluse these days so don't see many people at all)

I'm going to have a look at EFT now, sound really interesting,and it definitely can't harm to try it.

I still feel a bit weird about saying this is like PTSD, when I think of the people I've known and heard of with PTSD and their reasons, mine does seem really low level stuff - but I'm guessing the counselling will help with that.

I've read all the way through this thread a few times now, and every post means the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to support a random Internet stranger. This is truly life changing for me.

Reading your last post that you feel better made me smile really big 😄 for some reason I even feel better now and nothing happened to me . Enjoy your journey in life OP xx

OP it is so good to read your last post. Good luck with the therapy. And hugest unmumsnetty hugs!
(I hope karma gets that dreadful abusive .)

My last word disappeared, but I'm sure you can fill it in

Thing is, it was real to you. For the time it was happening, the fear and danger were real. That is traumatic.

Someone posted it up thread, but it made me think of Jim Carey too - he’s talked about what it was like to experience the false alarm for a nuclear missile in Hawaii a few years back, and how that experience was entirely real to them, and the impact it has had on his (and other’s) lives since - link, in case it’s helpful to read and recognise other people’s experiences in a not totally dissimilar situation: https://www.standard.co.uk/insider/celebrity/jim-carrey-was-in-hawaii-for-the-false-missile-alert-it-was-completely-real-to-us-a4501391.html

Bless you, you’ve had some lovely responses on here. PTSD might sound extreme, but any incident which leaves you shaking and nervous for days is exactly what it is. It’s stress on your body. There are different levels of course but don’t downplay what happened to you. Your body truly went into shock and you believed there was a threat. You’ve done amazingly well to be able to share your story x

You know, the more I hear about your ex, the more I think that drowning in a septic tank is too good for him. What a vile piece of shit he is. Thank god you are no longer with him. You are by far the better person. And you can recover from this. (I'm another one who has had EMDR for PTSD, and although I started out very sceptical, it really did help).

So he pulled a "joke" on you, making you feel that your children were going to die without you, AFTER you already had to deal with the death of a child?

That's even passed the abusive stage right into terrorist-level behavior stage.

I am so glad you had the intelligence to leave him and have made a wonderful world with your children.

You have survived more than most ever have to deal with at your age and I am in awe of your strength and ability to keep moving forward.

I can totally understand why this would continue to haunt you and it would probably be a good move to find someone to talk to. That might help you deal with that "prank" in a way that will help you not be so haunted.

I know the video you mean, ds showed it me & it is horrific.

I actually just went on to see if I could find the exact video, and I did, somehow I thought it was 10 minutes, but it was about an hour. The bit where it totally escalates is about 5-10 minutes, the rest is a news report where it escalates slowly but surely. I think I must have blanked the first part out.

I just skipped through parts of it and it's exactly as I remembered.

It took a while to find the exact one though as, sickeningly, there are loads on there now, as well as loads of videos of people getting 'pranked' with them.

Good news is I have an appointment for next week for my first session of EMDR therapy, there's only one in my area so pretty easy to choose. Although I can do it online if we don't gel apparently, she sounds really nice through.

Thank you all again, hope you're all having a wonderful day 💐

Wonderful news, well done OP, all power to you

The fact you were able to find it and watch it is a good sign. It means you’re ready to deal with it.
Hope the EMDR goes well

@Unfunnyjoke Well done!

You have validation from so many on here to say what he did was viciously cruel to a new mum.

Especially one who had been bereaved previously.

I remember having shock ( A mistaken identity) and the adrenaline surge actually hurt.
It probably took two days for my muscles to recover in legs and arms.

I was so angry at the person who promised they’d transfer ownership details of a young family member’s old vehicle - and they didn’t.

Basically police phoned me and I thought DS was injured ( or worse)
DS had sold his vehicle the day before going on a year out to the other side of the World

So a kid had been apprehended by police ( and was in a cell!) saying he was my son

I could prove to police where DS actually was, and police said it was foolish of son not to have transferred ownership details himself

Good luck with your healing 🌅

I think this sums it up perfectly OP and why it keeps sticking in your head. Someone that would do that and watch you distressed, sniggering, when you suffered a traumatic birth only 3 days ago, were away from one small child, and breastfeeding another, is a bloody psycho. It's disturbing very odd behaviour. Maybe it's your brains way of expressing your concerns over his influence on your kids, or how they are when he has them, or something?

I hate practical jokes and this one is the worst I've heard.
The trauma that you experienced for that time was the same as it would have been if the news was real.
If you had a gun to your head and didn't know it was a fake the fear would be the same as if it was a real gun.

Just popping back in here to give a little update.

I had my appointment, it wasn't really what I thought it would be at all, it felt really odd to me, but I've never done anything similar at all, however (mainly) thanks to you all, and my session I feel entirely different about the whole situation now.

To have the validation that I wasn't just being a fool who can't take a joke, and that I wasn't stupid to feel as I did means the absolute world to me.

I had internalised it all and downplayed it to the point I was embarrassed about how I felt about it.

I felt it was just a stupid video and it was a nothing and there never was a danger, but for the whole build up of almost an hour then thinking my babies were going to die - it was very real to me.

Anyway, thank you all again, this has made such a positive impact on my life, you've all been so kind, and I appreciate you all 💐

Good to read your update and to hear that the appointment helped. I think your thread will stay in a lot of our minds as what you recounted was so horrific. So pleased that you feel the responses validated your experience. Wishing you all the best, OP.