Can I talk to someone about this 'practical joke' it was years ago but it still affects me

[Unfunnyjoke]

Occasionally this pops up again in my mind and I really struggling to process it. It's been 5 years since so I don't know why I can't get over it.

I have been through so much trauma in my life, abuse, the deaths of my children, cancer... you get the picture. I'm usually a person who compartmentalises and just gets on with stuff because there's no other choice, but this feels really different.

My ex and I had been together 4 years, just had our second child (3 days beforehand) our older dc was with family for a few hours while I rested after a traumatic birth.

I was dozing off between breastfeeding and then he nudged me and told me to look at the TV.

There was breaking news on there, and all this awful footage of shit going in in the world that didn't look right at all, then they started on about nuclear threat, said the PM was getting taken to a bunker etc. I messaged the person who had my dc and then tried to call and got no response. I was absolutely terrified, picked up my baby, sobbing because I was terrified she would die and that my older dc would die without me there.

Then the report said that a nuclear bomb was imminent and went off air. I was sobbing and felt sick, started putting my shoes on to run and get my older dc.

Then ex started pissing himself laughing, it was a YouTube video, made to look realistic and that it was breaking news that the UK was getting bombed and we were all going to die.

He had messaged my family member saying to ignore my calls because I needed rest and was worrying about older dc.

He found it hilarious, and I just couldn't get over the cruelty of it.

My ex before him beat me up several times and I feel like I'm over that, but this... I just can't seem to. Every time I think of it I feel sick, the fear of my babies dying after the losses of my older two children..

I can't understand, I've had 'worse' things happen to me and feel sort of OK about that, but this.. I don't know.

Does anyone have any idea why this hits so hard after all these years? How I can try and process what was essentially a practical joke or just make me feel a bit better by telling me what a twat my ex is

I feel like I'm going mad by still being upset about this.

And a practical joke has these rules.

• The damage is not irreversible *The clean up takes 5 mins and/or is done by the pranker *Everyone is laughing at the end.
• No one could reasonably expect a person to be devastated by the prank. *If it unexpectedly touched a raw nerve (like you have a phobia of donkeys no one knew about, and your screensaver was changed to a donkey) then the pranker apologizes profusely and makes it up to the pranked.

This was not a prank. It was abuse, just as if he had punched you.

It is not surprising that you are struggling to get over this. Deliberately making people believe they were about to die is a psychological torture tactic that was used by ISIS!

I wish you all the best in seeking help from a professional and moving on from this.

Physical violence is easier to understand - ex #1 got angry/wanted his own way/too feel powerful and used his physical strength to do it. Fight, flight and freeze take over. It's understandable in a primal, instinctual way.

Planning exactly how to fuck with your head and not only wake you when exhausted, make you think your baby/babies were going to die horribly along with the literal end of the world - because your emotional terror, pain and distress was pleasurable and more gratifying to him than hitting you, possibly because he knew mentally torturing you wouldn't get him arrested and you could potentially be convinced it was all harmless amusement so he could do it again at any point that you slept? The primal brain isn't evolved to deal with that.

Thank you all so much

I'm actually in tears here

I've felt so stupid for these years and like I couldn't take a joke.

To have my feelings acknowledged as valid means so much, this is the first time I've really talked about this and I was a bit scared to post in case I was just being stupid and it made me feel worse.

Maybe this is what I needed to do to help me process this.

It does sort of feel like I have PTSD , I feel really silly saying that because nothing actually happened in reality, but what I've read about it does fit in with how I'm feeling.

It hits you so hard still because it was an evil thing to do. That’s such warped, twisted, psychological abuse.

Something like that is not easily forgotten or dealt with easily.

There must be something deeply, deeply wrong with him to do that.

I’m so glad you say ex.

What a vile cunt.

I feel inexplicably emotional reading your OP and I cannot comprehend the cruelty that you had to endure at such a vulnerable time. I am so sorry.

Sounds like one of my school bullies. You are made to feel unreasonable as if you are at fault if you are upset.

What a horrible bastard. I'm currently breastfeeding my second and my anxiety is always worse when breastfeeding. I would've reacted the same as you, op, and I haven't lost previous children / babies.
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad to read he's an ex.

That wasn’t a ‘practical joke’, OP, it was emotional torture. Abuse. You had a full on fight or flight reaction to what you saw as a real threat to yourself, baby and child.

And were then not allowed to have your own authentic emotions in response because he gaslighted you and told you you were over reacting.

Bloody hell. He sounds like a psychopath. I just can’t picture a normal man doing that to the woman cuddling his newborn child.

My goodness you poor thing. Completely agree looking at this as part of a pattern of abuse and nothing like a practical joke, will be helpful.

Also, I wonder if it’s helpful to know - in a previous role I administered a ptsd assessment tool. It had questions like have you experienced xyz situation - natural disasters, car accident, physical abuse. Each question had the follow up ‘did you think you or others would die?’. This is exactly what you experienced, it’s traumatic and the fact that it didn’t really happen doesn’t change that psychological experience. Seeking therapeutic support may be helpful if you continue to feel it’s hard to tolerate the feelings about it.

OP you said the word yourself, "calculated ". I think if it had been an impulse "joke" you would have forgiven him, but he actually planned this. Having said that, he was already a complete arsehole from what you've said.

Honestly OP, my legs feel as if they are trembling just thinking about that happening to you. Nothing short of traumatic.

That's not a practical joke - it's some sick mind game!! That is horrific!!

Agreed. What a disgusting excuse of a human he is.
I'm so glad he's your ex

Jesus, that was evil of him. I'm so glad that you split with him, and honestly, do not beat yourself up over not getting over it, I wouldn't have either.

@Unfunnyjoke
That would have terrified ANYONE.

I am old enough to remember the 1980's and 'Protect and Survive', 'Threads' and other terrifying Nuclear worries.

It absolutely is a terrible prank to play on a vulnerable woman who had just given birth.

He's an outrageous bully, That shows his level of cruelty.

So sorry for your losses of your Children.

🌸

I think I can understand how it still affects you and how just thinking about it brings you down; back to the awful feelings you experienced at the time, OP. I have a couple of instances (mistakes at work) that, even 30 years later, still take me right back to how badly I felt at the time. I have dissected & thought about the incidents so much and now realise that I was badly supported by management at the time, but I still can't let go of it being my mistake that affected people.

When the memory pops into my head now, I make a conscious effort to think of something else altogether, even if it's just focusing on an ad on telly. I have to try hard not to dwell. I know the whole thing made me doubly conscientious at work, though!

I'm so sorry that a cruel man did such awful things to you. A kind & loving partner wouldn't do that to their loved one ever, never mind at such a vulnerable time.

Please know you're not alone in the way you still feel about your experience. Sending hugs. 💐

What a fucked up sadist your ex (and I’m really pleased he’s your ex) is. I hope you know that anyone he’s ever told about his antics likely isn’t thinking badly of you it thinking what a grade a cunt he is.

You did make me think of the Hawaiian false missile alert. I wonder if you could find some sort of comfort in looking into that/watching some documentaries on it. In case you don’t know, every phone on the island was sent a text message warning of an imminent North Korean missile strike with ten minutes notice. Apparently it was sent in error () but many people spent ten minutes believing they were going to die.

https://www.standard.co.uk/insider/celebrity/jim-carrey-was-in-hawaii-for-the-false-missile-alert-it-was-completely-real-to-us-a4501391.html

That is truly horrible OP. It’s one of my biggest fears - that the world will be about to end and I won’t be with my kids. It’s unthinkable that anyone would trick someone that this was happening. I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy, never mind my partner.

How awful OP, you poor thing.

I agree with PPs, this was a deliberate act of malice, not a joke, and it hurts because it was done deliberately to hurt you and exploit your worst fears. I don't think the timing was a coincidence - it's common for abusive men to get especially nasty around pregnancy and newborn stage. He may have been (whether consciously or not) punishing you for having a baby you cared about more than him or not giving you all his attention. It was the ultimate way of controlling you. You felt helpless and terrified, then horribly duped - it's a very painful feeling.

It might help to understand that this was all about him - his insecurity, weakness, immaturity and need for control. It was him showing you just how much of a twat he was. It wasn't anything you did.

I do agree counselling might help.

That is so horrific. What a terrible person he must be. I was really affected by the Manchester bombing just after my dd was born, I would cry every day about it just thinking that those were someone’s babies. It’s such an emotional and vulnerable time. Be proud of yourself that you got rid of him and made things better for you and your wonderful girls

Nuclear stuff from the 1980's gave me literal nightmares.

I can only imagine your absolute panic, especially post birth, where emotions are so heightened, and we are naturally programmed to take care and protect our child/ren.

I re-watched some of ''Threads'' on you tube, a year or so ago, and the old fear came back.

Had he played that cruel joke on a man, he'd like have got a punch on the nose for being such an arsehole.

This is not a joke. It wouldn’t be a joke for anyone, but especially someone who has already suffered great trauma in life. I’m so sorry you had the misfortune to be with this awful man, and I’m glad you are now free of him.

Honestly that's such an awful awful thing for him to do and he knew it. (Interestingly he didn't tell the person who had your child not to answer your text because of he was playing a practical joke, if he really thought he was innocent in this that's what he would have done)
It's a valid trauma. If you're able to it might be worth considering therapy, maybe some EMDR. PTSD is caused by an event in which you thought you or someone close would die or come to serious harm, and you did experience that. This is valid and painful and I'm glad you're free of him.
If therapy is not possible, the next time you think of it end the memory by saying to yourself something like "it's understandable that this really distressed me, my feelings about this are normal and valid and in the end we were all safe and happy and I'm now free of him". Keep doing that each time. Trauma memories often remain stuck and this can help stop that.

I think if it’s a recurrent thought you may benefit from counselling.

You believed at the time that you and your children were about to die and it was made worse by being separated from your older child.

If someone was holding a bomb or a knife and told you similar, everyone would recognise it as traumatic and it’s unsurprising it still affects you. The fact that it was your own partner, the person who you trusted most, makes the trauma so much worse.

I had a traumatic event I talked through with a counsellor and she gave me strategies to cope.

I am sure with the right support you will be able to come to terms with it.