Can I talk to someone about this 'practical joke' it was years ago but it still affects me

[Unfunnyjoke]

Occasionally this pops up again in my mind and I really struggling to process it. It's been 5 years since so I don't know why I can't get over it.

I have been through so much trauma in my life, abuse, the deaths of my children, cancer... you get the picture. I'm usually a person who compartmentalises and just gets on with stuff because there's no other choice, but this feels really different.

My ex and I had been together 4 years, just had our second child (3 days beforehand) our older dc was with family for a few hours while I rested after a traumatic birth.

I was dozing off between breastfeeding and then he nudged me and told me to look at the TV.

There was breaking news on there, and all this awful footage of shit going in in the world that didn't look right at all, then they started on about nuclear threat, said the PM was getting taken to a bunker etc. I messaged the person who had my dc and then tried to call and got no response. I was absolutely terrified, picked up my baby, sobbing because I was terrified she would die and that my older dc would die without me there.

Then the report said that a nuclear bomb was imminent and went off air. I was sobbing and felt sick, started putting my shoes on to run and get my older dc.

Then ex started pissing himself laughing, it was a YouTube video, made to look realistic and that it was breaking news that the UK was getting bombed and we were all going to die.

He had messaged my family member saying to ignore my calls because I needed rest and was worrying about older dc.

He found it hilarious, and I just couldn't get over the cruelty of it.

My ex before him beat me up several times and I feel like I'm over that, but this... I just can't seem to. Every time I think of it I feel sick, the fear of my babies dying after the losses of my older two children..

I can't understand, I've had 'worse' things happen to me and feel sort of OK about that, but this.. I don't know.

Does anyone have any idea why this hits so hard after all these years? How I can try and process what was essentially a practical joke or just make me feel a bit better by telling me what a twat my ex is

I feel like I'm going mad by still being upset about this.

It's not true that nothing really happened.

When you were at your most vulnerable, shortly after giving birth, someone who was supposed to love you and protect chose instead to prod your most tender unhealed wound (because the death of your children is a wound that can never heal).

To amuse himself.

It's a complete betrayal of trust and unforgivable.

This ^
He’s an absolute cunt and so is the family member who minimised your trauma. I hope you don’t see them either. You are completely justified in still being horrified. I’ve never felt like myself and my precious children were about to die horrifically but if I had I wouldn’t forget it either. I’m so sorry you weren’t supported and loved when you needed it most.

I think you should seek counselling for this.
You had somebody give you a really horrible scare just at a point where you were extremely, extremely vulnerable.
You were already a traumatised person. You'd just had a baby and that ramps up a mother's protective instinct 1000%.
Therefore the joke hit much more harder than it would for anyone else, at any other time.
It created a trauma in your mind.
Our mind has to make us believe things are real. That's how it keeps us safe.
We have to really really believe the thing in order to get the flight or fight physical response that makes us move fast or freeze or fight.
When that physical response is evoked, the memories stay embedded because our brain needs to remember the 'danger' we were in.
You could try some sessions of EMDR. That specifically targets traumatic embedded memories. Make sure the person

Sorry I said the word 'joke' there I meant to say 'video' or put joke in commas because it definitely wasn't a joke.

That has got to be the sickest joke I've ever heard of. Sorry you had to go through this OP.

meant to add...make sure the person has EMDR accreditation. My post cut that off for some reason.

He is an absolute wanker. There's no way to slice this that anyone with an ounce of empathy and kindness wouldn't find it to be a really, really shitty thing to do. I'm sorry that happened to you (and for everything else that has happened too) - I would be equally as traumatized if someone had played that "joke" on me. Honestly I think what makes it so awful is how it taps into your base instincts as a mother who wants and needs to keep her children safe. Sending you a hug, OP.

I've just read the full story about this "man" and want to say to the OP that she sounds such an amazing and inspirational woman. I suggest that finding a counsellor who specialises in trauma might be something she might want to explore. It's great that she has seen him for what he is and that her daughters are protected. I have been truly shocked reading about the things he did, men like this are dangerous, they do not see women as human beings, just objects to control and mock.

So sorry that this happened to you OP. It was not a joke, it was an act of abuse and you may need some counselling to deal with the trauma of it. What a fucking psycho prick your ex is.

Reading this has made me feel sick to the stomach. What an evil man.
So sorry for all that you have been through in your life. I am glad things are now going better.

I've had EMDR therapy, it made such a difference and I am no longer haunted by the event that traumatised me. I had the most amazing therapist, a real life saver.

I think it's important to acknowledge the strength of emotion that the video caused, in understanding why it's still having an effect on you. It was a video designed to think you and everybody you love is going to die. Strong emotions just do stay with us longer. Making people think that they or their loved ones are going to be killed is something that torturers do, because a threat to life (real or "just" perceived) is always traumatic. Your emotions were also even stronger because you had just given birth - your feelings were heightened by a combination of circumstances and the biology of the hormones that were changing in your system at that time. We know that just after birth, a woman's hormones are wildly different from normal; Oxytocyn and prolactin increase, and one purpose of each of those hormones is to make us love and protect more fiercely. Add in the previous trauma of having lost your son, the memories, feelings and fears around which giving birth to another child must have brought to the surface. Add in the exhausted and naturally emotional state you were in having just been through labour and birth. Add in the absolute fuckery of him having had a go at you for broken waters on the bed and fucking off to sleep on the sofa leaving you alone in a chair. It all adds up to show that it's perfectly understandable that you're still left reeling from that particularly cruel incident.

A joke is only funny if both parties find it so. He was extremely cruel.

I'm glad you got shot of him. No wonder you are still traumatised by this emotional abuse. Can you talk it out with a therapist? It may not mean the memory never pops up, it it might be good if you could remember it as "what a toss pot what a lucky escape I had" rather than feeling awful

This man chose to make you feel distressed and that is why it feels so bad. Tragic things happen to everyone very single day, accidents, deaths, awful diagnosis, people losing their livelihoods and homes. But a deliberate act when someone who is supposed to care for you is appalling.

Bloody hell, I feel for you. What an absolute cunty excuse of a man, to do that to a woman who has just given birth to his child!

As previous posters have said, hold your head high because when you truly believed that shit was going down in the world… you acted to save your children as best as you could.. in your weakened vulnerable state, even if it was to be with them in the end. Don’t give that cunt any further space rent free in your head, you have proved what kind of woman you are.

It does sort of feel like I have PTSD , I feel really silly saying that because nothing actually happened in reality,

But something did happen, OP. Something very harmful.

Your body and mind were traumatised, while you were still recovering from giving birth. Your body was flooded with stress and fear hormones. You were terrified and desperate to try to protect your DC.

And this was inflicted on you by a man who knew you had already suffered the worst possible loss, the death of a child.

It’s almost impossible to fathom the mindset of a human who would do this to the woman who has just given birth to his child. Thank god you have freed yourself and DC from that sadistic idiot.

Don’t for one moment think you are overreacting. I hope you can get sympathetic help to recover.

Sending you hugs.

I’m glad you’re getting so much good advice. I’m so sorry to hear about this.

It worries me that you’re still minimising this though. You’re obviously so much stronger than you were but I think you still have a little way to go (as probably all of us do). Try to treat yourself as you do your daughters…..if you think it would be wrong for them, then it’s wrong for you. I think that as abused women, we keep attracting this type of man and they’re all abusive in different ways so we don’t always recognise it at first.

Sorry haven't had time to read the whole thread but if you can afford therapy then please look into EMDR, it can really help this kind of trauma. Your ex sounds awful & you have every reason to feel upset about what he did (plus all the other traumas you have suffered.)

I’m struggling to think of a worse time than 3 days post birth to inflict this on a new mother. I’m guessing the timing was no coincidence. And family expecting a photo of the new baby instead got a photo depicting the reality of childbirth which no one needs to see. There is something fundamentally wrong with this dangerous man.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

One of the reasons why this affects you is sometimes the brain believes things that have really happened in real life even if they haven't - it is a type of anxiety- similar to getting upset over emotional scenes in a movie. It sounds however, that the impacts of this stupid joke have probably caused a degree of PTSD - which is also why this is still bothering you.

I would recommend looking for a good therapist trained in EMDR techniques to help you and/or who has experience of dealing with PTSD

I second the posters saying talking it through with someone is a good idea. If it was me I would be tempted to get very thought out, untraceable revenge in the same fashion, but I realise this isn't healthy and makes me as bad.

I have trauma also and what you said in your first post would have made me shake with fear. Horrible.
It's very good that your daughters don't think his actions are normal, you did well to split up with him.

You will be okay OP. It's absolutely understandable to be so upset about this, and actually not just understandable but RIGHT. This man is a pathetic psychopath who performed calculated, targeted cruelty on you as you breastfed a baby, exhausted. Your horror over this situation probably stems from you being hit like a truck with the realisation that this is the piece of scum he is.

Sending you all the love and care OP, it sounds like you are a much better place now and wishing you and your children the best

I work in a profession that routinely brings me into contact with families experiencing high risk domestic abuse, including domestic homicides. Believe me when I say I have seen, and read, it all.

This is up there as one of the most profoundly cruel acts of psychological abuse that I have ever come across.

In that moment, at your most vulnerable, your body will have been flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, your amygdala would have been going wild (literally), your digestive system will have shut down, the blood in your body was one minute quietly helping you to sustain new life and will in a split second have been redirected to your limbs in anticipation of needing to run. It doesn't matter that this was all a big 'joke', in that moment your body experienced a massive trauma, the body knows, the body keeps the score.

And because this was a cruel joke, that not many people know about, you've not been able to speak about or process that trauma. Anyone would have painful memories or flashbacks in those circumstances, it's entirely natural but you don't have to live with them, please seek therapy, you truly deserve some help with putting this to bed.

I don't have any specific recommendations but there's a body called The UK Psychological Trauma Society (UKPTS) that should be able to point you in the right direction, Women's Aid may also be able to provide you with some support.

I am so sorry this happened to you, you didn't deserve any of it. I wish you all the very, very best for your recovery xx