Can I talk to someone about this 'practical joke' it was years ago but it still affects me

[Unfunnyjoke]

Occasionally this pops up again in my mind and I really struggling to process it. It's been 5 years since so I don't know why I can't get over it.

I have been through so much trauma in my life, abuse, the deaths of my children, cancer... you get the picture. I'm usually a person who compartmentalises and just gets on with stuff because there's no other choice, but this feels really different.

My ex and I had been together 4 years, just had our second child (3 days beforehand) our older dc was with family for a few hours while I rested after a traumatic birth.

I was dozing off between breastfeeding and then he nudged me and told me to look at the TV.

There was breaking news on there, and all this awful footage of shit going in in the world that didn't look right at all, then they started on about nuclear threat, said the PM was getting taken to a bunker etc. I messaged the person who had my dc and then tried to call and got no response. I was absolutely terrified, picked up my baby, sobbing because I was terrified she would die and that my older dc would die without me there.

Then the report said that a nuclear bomb was imminent and went off air. I was sobbing and felt sick, started putting my shoes on to run and get my older dc.

Then ex started pissing himself laughing, it was a YouTube video, made to look realistic and that it was breaking news that the UK was getting bombed and we were all going to die.

He had messaged my family member saying to ignore my calls because I needed rest and was worrying about older dc.

He found it hilarious, and I just couldn't get over the cruelty of it.

My ex before him beat me up several times and I feel like I'm over that, but this... I just can't seem to. Every time I think of it I feel sick, the fear of my babies dying after the losses of my older two children..

I can't understand, I've had 'worse' things happen to me and feel sort of OK about that, but this.. I don't know.

Does anyone have any idea why this hits so hard after all these years? How I can try and process what was essentially a practical joke or just make me feel a bit better by telling me what a twat my ex is

I feel like I'm going mad by still being upset about this.

I can't understand, I've had 'worse' things happen to me and feel sort of OK about that, but this.. I don't know.

I think that's because this was a deliberate, planned, malicious act and the fact that he knew you weren't with your son when he died makes it even more awful. But it doesn't surprise me. People like this 'man' listen to you when you share things with them, they may appear to show empathy at the time but they store away what you've told them to use later against you. Usually at a time when you are vulnerable, as you were.

The other things that have happened to you might not have been so sudden, so shocking, you were more able to take them in your stride, whereas this was designed to have you reacting exactly as you did. You are in no way daft or dramatic or anything like that. We all would have reacted the same. This was the man who was supposed to love you and cherish you and protect you but he did this when you were at your most vulnerable. And his other behaviours. He is a vile, vile, hideous excuse for a human being.

How did your family member react, the one who he had involved? Have you been able to speak to them about it?

I do think counselling would be a good idea. You've been through so much

What a nasty piece of work, you’re well rid of him. People like this don’t change and they never find happiness, his cruelty must be ingrained in him, what a sad excuse for a man.
I can fully understand how it has carried on having an effect on you years later and I sincerely hope that it does eventually improve with more time.
Your feelings are valid and you are definitely not going mad.

It hits hard because it was deeply
cruel. I am so sorry. You are normal and had normal
emotions and your ex’s are sick.

The first thing is, it was never 'resolved'. I think if he had apologized, even in that 'sorry you're upset' half-assed way or if he'd acknowledged it was a stupid thing to do even without an apology you would have had some sort of resolution, of validation of your feelings. Instead he DARVO'd and made himself the victim and made you out to be 'humourless' and unreasonable. He is an emotionally stunted cunt.

Second, it's really not just that one cruel incident. I think there is probably a lot of unresolved anger and hurt left in you and that's completely understandable. I think all that balled up emotion 'projects' itself onto that one most horrible incident.

Thirdly, and I'm assuming here, you still have to 'deal' with him because of the children. Just seeing his unrepentant face would probably set me off from time to time.

What he did strikes at the heart of every mother's worst fears. That 'something' will happen when we are not with our children. It's a tiny 'niggle' that is in us every time we're away from them. 99.9% of the time we brush it away with a rational "Don't be silly" and get on with things. But you had it shoved in your face in a cruel and disgusting way.

I think counseling would be of immense help. You need to be able to pick through all that emotion and put it in its 'proper place' in your head. A good counselor can give you the tools to do that and guide you in using them.

Pranks are mean to be funny.

I was a huge fan and still am of Jeremy Beadles pranks.

The people involved were robust and took the pranks well.

What your then partner did wasn't so much of a prank but an attempt to make a vulnerable woman terrified and feel helpless that she couldn't get to her older child in time.

It MIGHT have been funny if he had done it to his mates but not to a woman who has not long given birth and was separated at the time from her other child.

If he was genuinely remorseful afterwards and apologised for being so thoughtless and immature it might have ok to accept his apology.

As it stands I would probably hate him forever.

I'm wondering if it sticks because what he did was designed to make you feel humiliated. This alongside sending the photo of your bed sheets after giving birth to family members and saying he was disgusted.

You questioned if you were silly to fall for it, that you couldn't take a "joke" There will be a part of you that internalised the feeling of shame. Shame is a very powerful unpleasant emotion. It is hard to shake off.

Something that sticks in my head is when my ex wanted to get me back for a perceived slight by me towards him when we were with friends. He poured a bucket of water over me in front of them. He said it was a joke but I felt so stupid and ashamed somehow because others seemed to laugh as well. I know now that he was trying to put me in my place but the feeling of shame was hard to let go of

Yes to your first para plus the humiliation of the photos

Both used to degrade

This was not a joke. This was calculated abuse of terror.

Accept that. It wasn't a joke, it was a real threat by someone who should have loved and protected you are all costs. Fucking shit bag.

Because in that moment you felt a deep fear your children were about to die. You may be having a post traumatic stress response still. I still have trauma from my child nearly dying in labor and similarly, it wasn’t a long event and was a one off, but the impact of thinking your child is going to die lingers, especially as it sounds like you had older children that had already passed away. I’m so sorry. This would have been upsetting for anyone, let alone a mother who already had lost children. Your ex is a psycho and I suspect your daughters will get sick of him and cut him off when they are older.

This is absolutely horrific.
I love the odd prank, but this oversteps the mark so far - you have my sympathy

Gosh OP this sounds a really terrible, traumatic experience - even though it was a joke, those feelings were real.

I honestly would recommend some therapy if you can - there's clearly a lot that you've gone through and I'm sure some of that compounded into how awful this experience felt at the time, and how it comes to haunt you since. Nobody worth their salt would have any judgment against you or think you're being silly, or anything like that. You can take heart how unanimous these replies are here and take that forward - not one person (and usually there are more than a few judgmental idiots!) is thinking anything badly of you at all.

PTSD is one of the most treatable mental health conditions (my therapist made a specialism of it as it gave the most reward due to how successful it generally was)- obviously none of us can diagnose from here but there are characteristics that make it seem similar, so even if it doesn't classify officially as PTSD I think you have a really good chance of some therapy being extremely effective.

The family member you told was pretty awful too in the way he made you feel 😥

Anyone who minimises this has a massive and fundamental chip missing.

It was psychological torture.

Think of it like this: if he had paid actors to pretend to be doctors who told you that your kids were in grave danger or even worse, then laughed about it, it would be very very clear he was a psychopath. And it is clear with what he did too.

Please feel heard and validated ❤️ Embrace your own kindness and sense of moral understanding. You are far far superior to that nasty broken man. Thank goodness you are free of him.

Jesus Christ, I've read some nasty stuff in my time and even laughed at some practical jokes (all innocent ones) but this was beyond cruel. What an evil nasty piece of shit. I'm not surprised you still think about it - it must have been terrifying for you. I hope one day somebody puts the fear of God in him, he shits himself (literally) and they record it and post it on social media - utter twat 😡.
💐for you

I thought I'd heard everything but this has shocked me a great deal. What he did was unspeakably cruel. I am not surprised you still think about it. He robbed you of your peaceful recovery from birth and exploited your worst experiences for a "joke". It doesn't get much lower than that.

I absolutely think you should address this with a counsellor. I hope you find some peace that way.

He planned that carefully. You were the victim of a psychopath. The word "cruelty" doesn't even come close to describing what he did.

I'm struggling with finding words to convey my disgust with this person. He was indescribably cruel, all of it was cruel. Please try to get some counselling, I can understand why this keeps going through your head. He should have been loving and supportive but he indulged in cruelty. I hope someone punches him in the face for a joke. Bet he wouldn't find that funny. ( sorry, but I am so angry on your behalf, I don't normally think that way).

Yes, I agree with this. You had a very traumatic experience, and a therapist could help you with this. Something like EMDR could help

Or you may find that having talked about it today and having so many people horrified that he'd do such an abusive horrible thing will help you to know we can all totally understand how you feel, and that ay help you to process it, and you might feel better for having talked about it.

He tortured you mentally, on purpose for his amusement. Your reaction seems what you’d expect it to be when faced with that, I’m not surprised it still haunts you, it would haunt most people I imagine. I’m sorry for what you suffered

He was an evil psychopath and I’m so glad you’re not with him anymore.

I agree that it is likely you have a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that has been untreated which is why it is bothering you so much now.

It's unsurprising because you believed your child was going to die. I don't subscribe to this kind of thing as a joke but say for the sake of argument you did find that funny, the time to come clean and stop it is almost immediately as the belief it was true kicked in - not to tee up your friends/family not to answer the phone. It is sociopathic stuff.

Speak to your GP about getting some counselling - or look into it privately if you can afford it.
Eye Movement Desensitisation Therapy (EMDR) often has good results.

I'm so so sorry this happened to you. What a cunt of a man. The sending photos of you post birth is just as bad. I'm so glad you aren't with this abusive bastard any more.

But it was a real event. You actually went through the trauma of a living through a nuclear bomb being about to drop.

The terror you felt, the fear you felt on behalf of your DC, that was real.

Your feelings were the same in the moment as if it was real, you had no way of knowing at that point.

Your body and mind have reacted with PTSD, because you were literally traumatised. I would say that's a very reasonable thing to get counselling for.

That would be an absolutely horrible thing to do to anyone let alone a newly delivered breastfeeding mother who had just been through a traumatic (or indeed any sort of)delivery. The nasty cruelty and utter lack of empathy are shocking. We are hyper-vigilant when our children are small, in fact we are primed to anticipate danger and to be on a state of hight alert. This must have been shattering on so many levels, from the initial fear and shock through to the realisation that your ex thought this was amusing. I am not surprised you still think about it and that it causes you distress. What he did was sick and cruel

Gosh, that’s just horrible. Nothing funny in the slightest!

Not the same, but when 9/11 happened, I was ill in bed with a kidney infection. I remember waking up and flicking through the TV to see the same disaster unfolding on every channel, it seemed like a disaster film and I’ve never forgotten the feeling…and of course that was safely the other side of the Atlantic.

What an awful human being he is!

He sounds completely deranged. Doing that to the person he's supposed to love, who has already lost children - words fail me.

Both a terrifying and sickening read.

You poor woman.

I never fail to be truly horrified by the inhumanity of what some posters have experienced at the hands of men on MN.

So dreadful.

Thank god he is your Ex.

I hope he dies alone and screaming.

I think counselling would be a great idea.

You sound like an amazing woman.

No wonder single woman often say how content they are on their own.