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Original poster

Insistent MIL - how do I tell her no?

183 replies

Mursul · 09/06/2023 12:53

Hi!

I am pregnant with my second baby, I live in England and my in-laws in Scotland. My MIL has constantly been insisting, before I even got pregnant and back when I was pregnant with baby 1, that I come to hers a couple of weeks before birth and stay at hers until the baby is one month old. I said no thank you, but she keeps insisting and insisting, every time she sees me, everytime she calls me, especially when my husband is not around, she will ask me to give birth and stay at hers.

So that she can "provide support", and that they can all "bond with the baby".

She even told me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no.

She will say things like "I am asking nicely" to make me feel bad and it's just really getting to me.

I just want to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my house where I am most comfortable. If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

Am I a massive b or am I right to say no?

How do I get my point across? DH tells her no but she will try and find any opportunity for when the two of us are alone to try and make me change my mind.

OP posts:
W0tnow · 09/06/2023 12:55

Your Father in Law mocked and abused her when you said no? Did I get that right?

Are there cultural issues at play here?

Anyway, stick to your guns!

Original poster
Mursul · 09/06/2023 12:57

W0tnow · 09/06/2023 12:55

Your Father in Law mocked and abused her when you said no? Did I get that right?

Are there cultural issues at play here?

Anyway, stick to your guns!

Yes that's what she said. They are arabs but neither she or anyone in her family were made to give birth at their parents or in-laws.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 09/06/2023 12:57

Errrr... avoid her as much as possible? Shouldn't be too hard if you live far apart. You're too busy to take phone calls for a while, right?

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334bu · 09/06/2023 12:57

Ignore her.

ohyesohyesoh · 09/06/2023 12:58

Just 'no' but if you need to think of a valid excuse say you need to be near the drs that you have been under the care of.
Personally I would not even let her ask twice. Just shut down the conversation by saying no, it isn't possible. Every single time it's mentioned

WhoHidTheCoffee · 09/06/2023 12:58

Have you given her any indication at all that you might be persuadable? If not, the next time it happens, I’d eyeball her and say “That isn’t going to happen so please stop asking.” Then I would hang up or walk away every time she raises it. Get your DH to deliver the same message as well. Screen her phone calls. Sounds very weird to me.

ODFODeary · 09/06/2023 12:58

Good grief, stand up to her, say you've told her numerous times No and she either stops asking or you will stop answering the phone
Whatever her husband has or hasn't said is nothing to do with you, it's probably all lies anyway
Congratulations BTW

wingingit1987 · 09/06/2023 12:58

Point out to her that all your antenatal care will be with a midwifery team attached to your local hospital/birthing unit. So it would be a poor decision in terms of continuity of care.

You need to be really firm here and tell her flat out no. I’d also tell her that you won’t want her staying at yours for weeks at either side of the birth. When they do visit, make sure it’s a hotel they stay in. This could become very difficult very quickly otherwise.

MrsKwazi · 09/06/2023 12:58

Stop talking to her. Surely no one in their right mind can think this is a reasonable request. And you need your husband onside asap.

Izzabird · 09/06/2023 12:59

You don't need to do anything other than just say 'Let me stop you there. I've said no, and I won't be discussing this again' next time she brings it up. And leave the room. Consequences. The more insistent she is, the less chance she gets of conversation with you, and/or time with your children.

Or just avoid and tell her why.

Followill · 09/06/2023 13:00

Block her number.

Undisclosedlocation · 09/06/2023 13:02

She sounds deranged. Luckily though she’s got absolutely no power in this situation.
no means no, end of.
Id be tempted to warn her one last time. ‘SorryMIL I will not be doing that. I don’t wish to discuss it again. If you insist on keep bringing it up, I will hang up/leave the room/stop visiting/picking up calls (whatever is appropriate) as I am not prepared to be harassed on this issue’

Original poster
Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:03

Thank you all for your replies.
I say no and I've already decided I'm staying home and she just goes on and on with tirades, telling me about how strong relationships are founded, that they won't be as close to the baby, that I will need help and it is for my own good. Anytime I show signs of tiredness she will bring it up again "See, if you are tired and I'm here, I will be able to help you" and how her cousins came to hers to help her for a month after the baby was born (it transpired in a conversation with said cousins that they had actually only stayed for a week, and we told her she was welcome to come over and stay as long as she wants but she says she won't be on leave)

OP posts:
standardduck · 09/06/2023 13:03

She sounds insane. Just say no and if she keeps asking, stop answering your phone.

Tell your DH to step up and tell his DP to stop bothering you.

Undisclosedlocation · 09/06/2023 13:03

Mursul · 09/06/2023 12:57

Yes that's what she said. They are arabs but neither she or anyone in her family were made to give birth at their parents or in-laws.

Show quote history

Her marital problems are not your issue to fix.

Original poster
Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:03

Undisclosedlocation · 09/06/2023 13:02

She sounds deranged. Luckily though she’s got absolutely no power in this situation.
no means no, end of.
Id be tempted to warn her one last time. ‘SorryMIL I will not be doing that. I don’t wish to discuss it again. If you insist on keep bringing it up, I will hang up/leave the room/stop visiting/picking up calls (whatever is appropriate) as I am not prepared to be harassed on this issue’

Thank you, that's a great idea.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/06/2023 13:04

Did you post about this during your first pregnancy?

Original poster
Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:04

She also complains to her children and family and they call me rude when I'm firm and say I already said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:05

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 09/06/2023 13:04

Did you post about this during your first pregnancy?

No I haven't

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 09/06/2023 13:05

Either be firm and tell her to stop asking.

ir ask dh to tell her more clearly that you need her to stop answering.

standardduck · 09/06/2023 13:07

Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:04

She also complains to her children and family and they call me rude when I'm firm and say I already said no.

Why do you still engage with her? I would give her one more warning and if she continues like this, stop visiting and talking to her.
Your DH can visit / call his mum without you.

Tourmalines · 09/06/2023 13:07

Holy cow , wow , that’s so not right . I’m sure you’ve explained yourself to her countless of times, just say you don’t want to discuss it again.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2023 13:07

Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:04

She also complains to her children and family and they call me rude when I'm firm and say I already said no.

Did her children all give birth in her house and stay there for a month?

Did your mother in law stay at her in laws for a month?

QueenieMe · 09/06/2023 13:10

God she sounds like a nightmare. Was she like this with your first as well?

I'd send her a message along these lines

This is the last time I am going to tell you this. We are NOT having our baby in Scotland or staying you for a month afterwards. If you continue to hound me about it, we won't be visiting at all in the future. You need to respect our decision – we will be NOT changing our minds.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 09/06/2023 13:11

That's insane.

I would have lost my temper by now I think. Not recommending that but you must have the patience of a saint to still have anything to do with her.

If 'I'm refusing to discuss this any further' is no good then how about:

Come and stay - of course not, that won't be possible.

I'll make it easier - no, I need to be at home for the Dr's, hospital, midwives, health visitors

FIL is horrible - then I certainly won't be bringing a baby and other DC to that environment.

Strong relationships - if you continue to harass me we will have no relationship at all. Your choice.

You're rude - no I'm not. I've repeatedly told you no and you're not listening to me. I will not change my mind.