Insistent MIL - how do I tell her no?

[Mursul]

Hi!

I am pregnant with my second baby, I live in England and my in-laws in Scotland. My MIL has constantly been insisting, before I even got pregnant and back when I was pregnant with baby 1, that I come to hers a couple of weeks before birth and stay at hers until the baby is one month old. I said no thank you, but she keeps insisting and insisting, every time she sees me, everytime she calls me, especially when my husband is not around, she will ask me to give birth and stay at hers.

So that she can "provide support", and that they can all "bond with the baby".

She even told me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no.

She will say things like "I am asking nicely" to make me feel bad and it's just really getting to me.

I just want to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my house where I am most comfortable. If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

Am I a massive b or am I right to say no?

How do I get my point across? DH tells her no but she will try and find any opportunity for when the two of us are alone to try and make me change my mind.

You have a DH problem not a MIL problem.

"I said no. Your mother needs to accept no.

Her telling me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no is coercive and emotionally manipulative.

Any problems in her relationship with her husband are between the two of them and I do not appreciate her trying to drag me into it.

I find her demand far from caring. It doesn't consider how I feel and what I feel comfortable with.

I would not feel comfortable in a household where the wife is being verbally abused and then blames this on her DIL.

Sort it out DH cos I refuse to engage further with a woman who doesn't respect my feelings on this."

Tell her that you’ve had enough of her shit and if she brings it up again you will hang up every time and so will DH. If she keeps ringing about it, you will screen her calls. Treat her like the toddler she is.

Have you got family who can support you in this matter? They sound very threatening.

She is harassing you. I would firmly ask her to stop that and keep a diary of it. You might a some point need to take further action to prevent her harassment.
it doesn’t sound as if you’re getting the support you need from your husband on this. Could you manage without him?

Tough fucking shit.

Tell her to do one as she's not respecting you.

And tell your DH to do one if he doesn't back you up.

The pair of them are controlling arseholes.

Are you and your husband from different cultures? He doesn't sound very supportive.

Avoid your MIL!

Let her.

Then tell her, she needs to look in the goddam mirror.

You aren't the one making demands and then screaming like a toddler when someone says a polite no.

“We’ve already had this discussion numerous times, and I’m politely asking you to drop it now, as no is a complete sentence” sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind OP!

Jesus, and I thought my inlaws were a huge, boundary-less pain in the arse.

When I have had family members who have insisted on particular conversations I have just said "I said no/that I don't want to talk about it. Let's talk about something else." Then if they keep going I say "if you are going to continue to talk about it I am going home/hanging up the phone" Even the most persistent people eventually get the message when you do leave or hang up the phone!

There was a similar post about a MIL insisting that the OP gave birth in Scotland.

The relationship was on the rocks anyway, and many posters thought it was so it was more difficult for OP to take the baby back to England with her, I think.

I couldn't be wrong. It was quite a while ago now. But be mindful about why she's insisting.

Just stop engaging. Leave the house if she shows up. Don't answer her calls (block her!).

Consider whether you should stay with your husband.

You're going to have to be very insistent with this woman.

"No MIL, we've already had this conversation. I've said no and I won't be changing my mind. Stop asking or I will stop taking your calls. It isn't up for discussion."

Then, follow through with it. She backs off and shuts up or she loses a lot of her contact with you and your children.

DH is also going to have to grow some balls here, as he hasn't done much about it so far. Either that or he has been far too wishy-washy with his parents.

Well it's obviously not going to happen as your midwifery care is in England! Tell her this, say no, get your husband to tell her no. If she doesn't like it, who cares? It's a ridiculous thing to ask.

And you need to have a think about whether you want to be married to a man who threatens you, because that's what his response was. This is why MIL isn't taking "No" seriously, she knows your husband hasn't got your back.

She also complains to her children and family and they call me rude when I'm firm and say I already said no.

The people calling you "rude" for having boundaries are the ones being rude, not you. They need telling to fuck off too.

As a PP said, you need to leave the room/house, insist they leave/hang up the phone/don't answer calls etc. At the moment you're not enforcing these boundaries of yours and you need to. You're relying on these people to respect boundaries when it's communicated to them but they're not good people and they're never going to do that.

Someone mentioned cultural differences. TBH that's irrelevant. If your culture is different to theirs you're allowed to have your own culture centre in your own life. They're not more important than you just because there's more of them, or they're more forceful with their opinions, or because your husband is a man and you're not.

It can be tricky to legally move children from Scotland to England if your dh objected and the NHS in Scotland is on a different system so it can be harder to move back and forth between the two. Obviously people do move from one nation to another but I would be citing paperwork issues. Say you need to be near home for consistency of care with medical practitioners, moving a month before will not be enough time to settle in and find the right setting. That you need to be at home for the first six weeks so your child can settle in and see the local health visitor, GP etc and that you are prioritising the health of your baby but of course she is welcome (through gritted teeth) to come down and stay in a B&B nearby once you have had a chance to recover a bit.

Good grief, I think you’re being far too accommodating by still talking to her, to be honest.

No way would I have put up with such bullying tactics. What lessons will you teach your children as they grow older, about caving in to bullying and manipulation?

I think she needs shock tactics to make her realise that she’s gone much too far. So you need to explode when she mentions it again, firmly telling her that she’s risking not seeing either child until they’re 18yrs old and refuse to speak to her or other family members for the next couple of weeks. They all have to see that you mean business.

When she says that she has asked you nicely, you reply with "And we're replying equally nicely and it's going to be a hard no. We'll not be staying with you before the baby is born and we won't be staying with you for a month after the baby is born. We have our own home, and more importantly, I am under the care of my OB-GYN doctor for the upcoming birth. I will not be changing at this stage. We find these constant requests after we've been polite and said no very rude now. Please learn to accept our decision and make your peace with it. It'll be the first of many that you'll have to adjust yourself to."

(that last bit is to give yourselves the leeway on setting up some boundaries that you will need her and FiL to adhere to and you're giving them the heads up that these are coming)

Do all the people talking about Scotland as if it's a far away distant land realise that it shares a land border with England, and the OP could be living in the next town to her MIL?

Having said that, no-one would stay somewhere by choice where 2 adults and 2 children are having to share bunk beds when they have their own home, that they prefer to stay in anyway.

All of this!

I don't understand why you haven't insisted that your DH speaks to his mother to bring this harassment to an end?

Hmm. Scotland may be next door but it's a different jurisdiction. Why is your MiL so keen for the birth to be registered in Scotland I wonder?

What else is going on apart from a batshit MiL?

I don't like the sound of this at all.

Strength and courage to you, @Mursul in your continued resistance.
💐

I am fully aware of that and have lived in both, however legally there are differences in terms of child access and moving across the border which OP would be wise to be aware of. Health is also a devolved issue so there are differences in terms of health care and registering with a GP.

@Mursul

Her "I am asking you nicely"

You " I am replying nicely"

Fine if that's how you feel. My medical team are here and know me, my older child is happy in a familiar environment so won't be distressed without their usual toys and surroundings and with plenty of room it's enough for them to cope with a new baby. Everything is sorted your welcome to visit