Insistent MIL - how do I tell her no?

[Mursul]

Hi!

I am pregnant with my second baby, I live in England and my in-laws in Scotland. My MIL has constantly been insisting, before I even got pregnant and back when I was pregnant with baby 1, that I come to hers a couple of weeks before birth and stay at hers until the baby is one month old. I said no thank you, but she keeps insisting and insisting, every time she sees me, everytime she calls me, especially when my husband is not around, she will ask me to give birth and stay at hers.

So that she can "provide support", and that they can all "bond with the baby".

She even told me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no.

She will say things like "I am asking nicely" to make me feel bad and it's just really getting to me.

I just want to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my house where I am most comfortable. If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

Am I a massive b or am I right to say no?

How do I get my point across? DH tells her no but she will try and find any opportunity for when the two of us are alone to try and make me change my mind.

I wanted to do that during my first pregnancy but my husband said that he would have to think about whether or not he still wanted to be married to me then.
But I think it's about time I actually enforce that. I've tried really hard to have a good relationship with her but she doesn't respect any of my boundaries. It's really tiring.

If she lives in Scotland and you live in England, how are these conversations happening? If she phones, just pass the phone to her son.

She lives in Scotland and you live in London? How hard can it be to avoid her?

Don't take her calls. Don't respond to emails. Don't text.

She can comminicate with you via dh.

She comes round quite often.
DH also has family half way that we meet regularly and his mum is often down

but my husband said that he would have to think about whether or not he still wanted to be married to me then

I'd be thinking rather hard about whether or not I wanted to still be married to him after a comment like that. What are you, his domestic staff on probation?

I wanted to do that during my first pregnancy but my husband said that he would have to think about whether or not he still wanted to be married to me then.

I'm sorry OP but you have a DH problem, he should be supporting you. What happened after your last birth?

You need to be polite but firm and say no. And to get your dh onside. Is it a cultural thing? If so, be careful that it's not ingrained in your dh that this is the right thing to do. Talk to him!

Just to add, last time I asked my husband to speak to her, she told me it was unfair to get my husband involved as he's already stressed with work, and that if I'm not comfortable coming to hers, she won't be comfortable coming to ours either.

I actually packed my things and left him on a similar instance because I realised that he was a huge part of the issue back then. He said he was sorry and promised to make changes which he has been doing.
Issue is I believe he's already set the tone in the beginning of our marriage, so his mother feels comfortable treating me like this.

Not really, they have lived in the UK for generations and generations. They are quite western thinking when it arranges them.

DH and his brothers don't want a relationship with their grandparents (MIL's in-laws) over the way they treated their mum, DH and MIL don't see the irony in this.

"And I'm saying nicely no thank you, please stop demanding me to stay." You're really going to have to be blunt.

She asked me to give her an answer as to why I don't want to give birth there. And won't accept any of my answers. She says it will be nice for my husband to have his siblings and cousins around.
The first time, she just said, in the most offended way, as if she had caught me red handed: "I KNOW you don't want to live with me. What's that all about?"

A totally unreasonable expectation. No way!!!!

I know for a fact she will say it's abusive and that I'm threatening her by saying I won't come to hers and that my son would resent me and side with her for that. She said something similar-ish in the past.

Sounds like a win to me.

I want to tell her that lol

Get some distance. She’s not listened to you so now avoid her as much as possible until after the baby is born. And probably then too. She sounds very difficult.

What the fuck 😂😂 you’re not going to sleep in a bunk bed in a box room with your husband, toddler and BRAND NEW BORN. No way. She’s off her rocker.

...that if I'm not comfortable coming to hers, she won't be comfortable coming to ours either.

That's your problem sorted, then.

She's often round? She lives in Scotland. How often could that be?

Anyway, stop all contact. No calls, texts or visits. Dh can go to visit her whenever he likes.

She's extremely weird and her husband is weirder, if what she says is true (it could all be her, she could be a liar and highly manipulative). Stay away from both of them and don't let your DC do unaccompanied overnight visits. Why on earth are they so keen to bond with someone else's baby right after birth and why are they trying to get your other DC to sleep in with them? Oddballs.

She's not "asking nicely", when she says that - it's a threat. She's not making a request she's making a demand. She's telling you she feels entitled to make that decision about where you give birth and demand you comply and that she's doing you a favour by phrasing it as a question. Tell her in no uncertain terms to fuck off, literally. Don't worry about a family rift, there already is one, she has no respect for you and is trampling all over your boundaries deliberately, picking moments when you're most vulnerable to do so. She is not a good or nice person.

Next time she says anything about her husband give her the phone number for a domestic abuse organisation. "My husband is abusive towards me because you won't give us access to your young DC including a newborn" is not a reason to give them access to your DC! It's a reason to run as fast as possible in the other direction.

Why didn't you?

She says it will be nice for my husband to have his siblings and cousins around

Say, ‘well I’m the one giving birth so I want to have MY friends and family around.’

Next time she asks just say " I've already said no to this, please stop asking me this question and respect my wishes "

Can you speak to your midwife or healthworker about this? IMO you're being abused by your MIL.

Well that would be an excellent result, if only your husband could be relied on to stand up to her.
You don’t owe her an explanation. Broken record technique. Same words and tone of voice each time.
“I’m not going to do that, MIL.”
But but but
“I’m not going to do that, MIL.”
Waah waah
“I’m not going to do that, MIL.”
Threats
“I’m not going to do that, MIL.”
Why not
“I’m not going to do that, MIL.”

Fortunately she can’t actually insist, unless she actually forces you into a car and abducts you. But is seems likely that when she doesn’t get her way, she’ll turn up at your house to move in, and your spineless H will let her.