Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Insistent MIL - how do I tell her no?

183 replies

Mursul · 09/06/2023 12:53

Hi!

I am pregnant with my second baby, I live in England and my in-laws in Scotland. My MIL has constantly been insisting, before I even got pregnant and back when I was pregnant with baby 1, that I come to hers a couple of weeks before birth and stay at hers until the baby is one month old. I said no thank you, but she keeps insisting and insisting, every time she sees me, everytime she calls me, especially when my husband is not around, she will ask me to give birth and stay at hers.

So that she can "provide support", and that they can all "bond with the baby".

She even told me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no.

She will say things like "I am asking nicely" to make me feel bad and it's just really getting to me.

I just want to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my house where I am most comfortable. If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

Am I a massive b or am I right to say no?

How do I get my point across? DH tells her no but she will try and find any opportunity for when the two of us are alone to try and make me change my mind.

OP posts:
HappyMe6 · 09/06/2023 15:09

She sounds batshit! I’d be telling her only once! She doesn’t own you ffs, I’d block her

Kennykenkencat · 09/06/2023 15:11

Mursul · 09/06/2023 14:56

They didn't say I was abusive for wanting to give birth here, it was a separate instance where my husband disclosed some private medical issues that I was very very ashamed of to my MIL after an argument with me. They spoke ill of me and he used his mum's words against me. Gave me an insight into what his mum, and obviously him, thought of me. I told him this was not on and wanted to leave the house and go home (I was at theirs) and that I wasn't happy anymore in our marriage and wanted to divorce. He refused for me to leave and followed me on the streets looking for me with his family, trying to bring me back. Then they said I wasn't allowed to leave because I had to think of my husband and that's it's his holidays I was going to ruin.
They also said that he is close to his mum and although he shouldn't talk to her about everything, she is his best friend and that threatening divorce was abusive and toxic.

Show quote history

I think you are getting too hung up with the minutiae and not looking at this as a whole.

Your husbands best friend is his mother not you

He is speaking badly about you to his mother.

You don’t do this to someone you supposedly love.
Nothing you have put about your husband indicates there is anything to keep this marriage going.

Whilst you have a mil problem you also have a Dh problem.

Get that relocation order and move away and start divorce proceedings now before baby is born.

Make sure you get photos of all of his finances, mortgages, property and pension and investments so he doesn’t hide anything from you because at least 50% of that is yours and is the starting point on divorce whoevers name they may be in.

Kennykenkencat · 09/06/2023 15:19

It doesn’t matter what this family think of you. You don’t have to listen to them ever again.

There are somethings that you have written that indicate they either don’t know or don’t care about what is legal or illegal

Stopping you leaving to go home is considered kidnapping. What your mil is doing is coercive control.

Both could end up with a prison sentence.

You don’t have to justify or prove anything to anyone.
Ignore and move on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families
PatchworkDonkey · 09/06/2023 15:22

Look into giving birth in your home country, I believe it may help the child to be able to stay there if they're born there.

Lacucuracha · 09/06/2023 15:30

Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:11

I wanted to do that during my first pregnancy but my husband said that he would have to think about whether or not he still wanted to be married to me then.
But I think it's about time I actually enforce that. I've tried really hard to have a good relationship with her but she doesn't respect any of my boundaries. It's really tiring.

Show quote history

my husband said that he would have to think about whether or not he still wanted to be married to me then.

Was the time you packed your bags and he promised to change after or before this? So has he actually changed?

Jagoda · 09/06/2023 15:36

Bloody hell this sounds really intense and scary actually.

I might be tempted to go abroad to DPs secretly before baby 2 is born.

Rafferty10 · 09/06/2023 15:47

Oh op there are so many red flags here...be very careful but please see if you can safely leave him....

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 09/06/2023 15:47

She sounds absolutely awful and I think if you did go she would likely hog the baby. There is nothing wrong with saying no and I am sure you are being polite about it. I would just say you are welcome to visit a week or two after the baby is born but we will definitely be staying at home x

SallyWD · 09/06/2023 15:59

I'd let your husband deal with this. Can't believe her husband assaulted her over this?!

Ivesaidenough · 09/06/2023 16:05

You might need to channel your inner Phoebe.
"Oh, I wish I could but I don't want to."

SerafinasGoose · 09/06/2023 16:05

Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:03

Thank you all for your replies.
I say no and I've already decided I'm staying home and she just goes on and on with tirades, telling me about how strong relationships are founded, that they won't be as close to the baby, that I will need help and it is for my own good. Anytime I show signs of tiredness she will bring it up again "See, if you are tired and I'm here, I will be able to help you" and how her cousins came to hers to help her for a month after the baby was born (it transpired in a conversation with said cousins that they had actually only stayed for a week, and we told her she was welcome to come over and stay as long as she wants but she says she won't be on leave)

'I have said no'.

Or 'that doesn't work for me'.

Rinse and repeat.

Don't attempt to justify, argue. defend, or explain. This just gives her an opening to assume it's a negotiation and to find reasons why you should capitulate and do what she wants.

standardduck · 09/06/2023 16:10

Wow, just read your updates and it's worse than in your OP.

Your DH is definitely part of the problem and if I were you, I would consider leaving him before your baby is born. Could you try and stay with your parents? I would also get a legal advice asap.

Good luck, OP.

Boltonb · 09/06/2023 16:11

Suggest to your batshit MIL that if she wants a baby to play with, she should try and get pregnant herself.

Your husband sounds like a shit though. Don’t know why you would have another baby with him

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2023 16:14

Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:03

Thank you all for your replies.
I say no and I've already decided I'm staying home and she just goes on and on with tirades, telling me about how strong relationships are founded, that they won't be as close to the baby, that I will need help and it is for my own good. Anytime I show signs of tiredness she will bring it up again "See, if you are tired and I'm here, I will be able to help you" and how her cousins came to hers to help her for a month after the baby was born (it transpired in a conversation with said cousins that they had actually only stayed for a week, and we told her she was welcome to come over and stay as long as she wants but she says she won't be on leave)

DO NOT say that she is welcome to come as long as she wants!

Are you mad??

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2023 16:16

Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:11

I wanted to do that during my first pregnancy but my husband said that he would have to think about whether or not he still wanted to be married to me then.
But I think it's about time I actually enforce that. I've tried really hard to have a good relationship with her but she doesn't respect any of my boundaries. It's really tiring.

Show quote history

Why didn't you decide whether or not you still wanted to be married to him?

WeightInLine · 09/06/2023 16:16

OP, do your real life friends know about all of this?

There is a lot here that is worrying.

BigCheekBitch · 09/06/2023 16:16

She really hates boundaries doesnt she?!

Yabu to set them. Anyone that tries to trample boundaries is absolutely not someone to lift them for.

Funny how everyone is so keen to get quality time with a newborn under the guise of bonding and family. No one's quite as fucked when they're 2 and climbing the walls. There's an even better opportunity to bond and act as a family and offer support then and no one cares.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2023 16:17

Mursul · 09/06/2023 13:20

Just to add, last time I asked my husband to speak to her, she told me it was unfair to get my husband involved as he's already stressed with work, and that if I'm not comfortable coming to hers, she won't be comfortable coming to ours either.

Result!!

pinkyredrose · 09/06/2023 16:19

They all sound fucking awful. Why is your husband such a cunt? Was he like this before you married him?

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2023 16:21

pinkyredrose · 09/06/2023 16:19

They all sound fucking awful. Why is your husband such a cunt? Was he like this before you married him?

Ring Women's Aid.

You have a DH problem

JudgeRudy · 09/06/2023 16:27

You've been reasonable. You've declined politely several times. Speak with your husband. He needs to speak with his mum. He can get his dad to assist.Tell him if it's brought up again next time you won't be polite!

TitoMojito · 09/06/2023 16:30

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

This is so cruel. You don’t have a mum in Scotland. You have a MIL. Your mum is at home. She shouldn't be trying to take over that role. What a horrible person.

Dowhatshard · 09/06/2023 16:39

Wow I feel sorry for you. The only good thing is that MIL lives in Scotland and you live in England. Definitely stay in England. She sounds crazy. Why not just take out your phone and block her number, same with landline. Just never speak to her again. If anyone asks why just say “she is crazy and nasty” feckit endof. You are a mother now and need to toughen up. Next move is your husband, is he choosing Mum or wife? Yes it’s an ultimatum but honestly I wouldn’t care. Only other possibility is grab your child and hightail it abroad to visit your family for an extended period and consider your future.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 09/06/2023 16:40

Get legal advice now OP - preferably from one of the women’s organisations that work with other cultures. This sounds like a potentially dangerous situation and clearly you are neither safe nor happy with this man.

Fraaahnces · 09/06/2023 16:55

I think you need to make it very clear that your MIL is not welcome to come and stay at your home until you have settled in with baby too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread