Insistent MIL - how do I tell her no?

[Mursul]

Hi!

I am pregnant with my second baby, I live in England and my in-laws in Scotland. My MIL has constantly been insisting, before I even got pregnant and back when I was pregnant with baby 1, that I come to hers a couple of weeks before birth and stay at hers until the baby is one month old. I said no thank you, but she keeps insisting and insisting, every time she sees me, everytime she calls me, especially when my husband is not around, she will ask me to give birth and stay at hers.

So that she can "provide support", and that they can all "bond with the baby".

She even told me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no.

She will say things like "I am asking nicely" to make me feel bad and it's just really getting to me.

I just want to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my house where I am most comfortable. If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

Am I a massive b or am I right to say no?

How do I get my point across? DH tells her no but she will try and find any opportunity for when the two of us are alone to try and make me change my mind.

It doesn't matter if she's living one town over or in Devon/Cornwall for distance between them. The OP has said no to moving in with her MiL and FiL before and after the baby is born.

This additional stress is not good for the baby and can increase the risk of high blood-pressure and that can be dangerous. I'd phrase it like that if you really want to make it clear to her that you're not going to move in.

I know for a fact she will say it's abusive and that I'm threatening her by saying I won't come to hers and that my son would resent me and side with her for that. She said something similar-ish in the past

If her Ds sides with his her then he won’t be seeing his own children as much after the divorce and she will be seeing them even less.

I don’t think you need to get into any discussions with her. Either block her number and arrange to stay at your own mothers when she comes to stay.
Or tell her once more you have given her an answer if she won’t accept it then that is not your problem. Then either change the subject the moment she starts talking about you going up or say your goodbyes and the phone down or just put the phone down.
If she asks you in person. (Always make sure you have the car keys and phone on you when you know you are going to meet up) don’t even reply to her walk away, get in the car and go for a drive. Sit in the car on your phone or go and do some window shopping, have a drink and relax. Then when you return if she starts again repeat the process or go to your mums for the night.
Rinse and repeat and if your Dh has a problem with that then he can go and be supported by her forever more.1

You really have a dh problem if he says he wold leave you over not seeing his mum-shes stressing you during your pregnancy you dont need it

She asked me to give her an answer as to why I don't want to give birth there. And won't accept any of my answers.

You don't have to justify yourself. There's often little point in attempts to. It just leads to people arguing against your justification. You need to disengage. "Because it's not convenient", "because it's not what I've decided to do" etc. 'Reasons' without explanation. On repeat. If you have to repeat it more than once per visit/conversation then you end the visit/ conversation. It's perfectly valid to literally walk away from people who are being rude to you, which asking for justification on a decision you made about yourself/your DC is. You don't have to tolerate rudeness from anyone (except possibly the occasional customer at work). Anyone who expects you to tolerate rudeness or have your boundaries trampled over and out up with it, doesn't have your best interests at heart.

No she will say my DS will resent me.

That's a really really good response. Thank you. I'll make sure to nip it in the bud.

My own family lives abroad so I think she's taking advantage of that, kind of.

Don’t take phone calls from her and stop visiting your husbands relatives. Tell him you’re resting for the birth.

if your H makes waves tell him to go and live with his mum then.

id just completely stop engaging

I think this happens in families where the woman is used to being the matriarch.And it's not unique to DIL relationships but perhaps it's most visible in those because the MIL is used to getting her way and the DIL is not willing.

You have to just keep repeating no and as others have suggested, if she keeps on, get up and leave/put the phone down etc.

MIL isn't as batshit as this but I think if I was a different kind of person, there would have been more of this. But I just, very early, refused to accept whatever it was she was insisting on and had no problem casually leaving the room and refusing to discuss it further. Probably because my mum was a bit like that and attempting logical and sensible arguments with her was pointless so I was well trained!

She does it very little now!

Thank you!

She is very manipulative and has an answer to everything.

When I told my DH that I wanted to divorce him after a similar instance with his family and him ganging up against me, they said that I was giving divorce as an ultimatum to get my way and that it was toxic and abusive.

If she says your DS will resent you tell her her DS doesn’t resent her.

but stop engaging. Seriously you can’t argue with crazy.

Why do you give a shot what they say and think. Your husband has a lot at stake taking her side, you need to make it crystal clear to him he will be the one losing out if he takes his mothers side. And ignore accusations of abuse as they are being abusive to you whilst you’re most vulnerable.

Thank you for your reply.
You are on point. You totally understand the dynamic. Sadly I tried to bend over backwards at the start of the marriage, and when I saw they didn't like me, I tried even harder. I was naive and immature and I wish I could go back in time and give myself a sleep in the face.

One time I left the house after I was treated really poorly and OMG they all ran through me, even husband's siblings.

"I'm sorry. We want to be here at home/at our local hospital when I give birth. We have decided and it's not going to change. We'll come and see you after a couple of months when I feel up to travelling with the new baby."
Keep repeating. "We're staying here for the birth and for a few weeks afterwards."

I think you need to seriously think about if you want to have anything more to do with them.

Husband included.

They are a family of bullies.

How shit for your kids.

Don’t apologise say no. And that’s it. No need to discuss and hand wrong. Fucking no is a very good and completely comprehendible reply

If we divorce, I don't trust MIL and wouldn't be surprised if she tried something when my husband has our children over. Best scenario would be brainwashing them and speaking ill of me in front of them (she speaks ill of her husband -telling him to f off and call him and a bitch and a bastard for asking for fuel money -in front of us and spoke ill of me multiple time to her family). Worse case scenario would be refusing to bring my children back to me. So that worries me

Omg wtf? Just keep saying no your MIL is massively in the wrong to pressure you like this.

Stop taking her calls. Refuse to discuss it with your DH. Just tell him that it's his family, it's for him to sort out. Nothing to do with you.

He won't want to get involved so he will do nothing. Stop going over and over this as everyone knows how you feel, they are just choosing to ignore it.

Being passive in this instance will work well for you.

What kind of person doesn't understand that a woman who has just given birth wants to have her privacy and her own bed?

Travel to your family while you still can. Stay there indefinitely..

Have you heard of DARVO OP? Means: deny abuse, reverse victim/offender. You're being accused of the thing she's doing. It's a known tactic amongst domestic abusers.

Can you speak to your midwife or healthworker about this? IMO you're being abused by your MIL.

This, above.
And this, below.

Fortunately she can’t actually insist, unless she actually forces you into a car and abducts you. But is seems likely that when she doesn’t get her way, she’ll turn up at your house to move in, and your spineless H will let her.

IMO you're dealing with a narcissist in MIL (and possibly FIL too) and your marriage will end up breaking down over this. The siblings and your husband are Flying Monkeys, they'll do anything to appease the narc, including throwing you under the bus, because they don't want to risk being on her bad side themselves and are too weak/damaged as people, to go no-contact with her.

If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She sounds insane. Why would anyone want to do this?

If your husband doesn't back you, OP, then don't cave in and stay with him.

Run as far and as fast as you can! This is really your dog's problem to sort. Let him deal with the calls from now on and under no circumstances is he to agree to anything.

Thank you. I had never heard of that. It makes a lot of sense.

Try to avoid talking to her OP. When you do keep it brief and don’t volunteer any details she can use against you. Say you are fine, everything is fine, I’ve no worries. Don’t tell her you are tired or have problems because she won’t be empathetic but will use it as a reason why she should be involved.
Sound polite and cordial so your DH doesn’t have reason to accuse you of rudeness.
Good luck

If her Ds will resent you then I would be quite blunt that if that was the case you couldn’t care less as you would be going for a divorce. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who resented me and she won’t be seeing her gc anything like the same number of times as she is now

I would also ask if she thinks she might have the start of dementia as she clearly is repeating the same conversation over and over and forgetting you have already answered

Either she has the start of dementia or she is being arrogant and controlling,
Which does she think she is?

Is there a friend you can stay with for a night or are your parents within boat and drivable distance in Europe that you could go and spend a few impromptu nights with when mil comes around.
Either that or the local travel lodge or an Airbnb for the nights she is visiting. I would book it in advance so you can up and leave when she starts.
Wouldn’t tell Dh what you plan.