Insistent MIL - how do I tell her no?

[Mursul]

Hi!

I am pregnant with my second baby, I live in England and my in-laws in Scotland. My MIL has constantly been insisting, before I even got pregnant and back when I was pregnant with baby 1, that I come to hers a couple of weeks before birth and stay at hers until the baby is one month old. I said no thank you, but she keeps insisting and insisting, every time she sees me, everytime she calls me, especially when my husband is not around, she will ask me to give birth and stay at hers.

So that she can "provide support", and that they can all "bond with the baby".

She even told me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no.

She will say things like "I am asking nicely" to make me feel bad and it's just really getting to me.

I just want to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my house where I am most comfortable. If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

Am I a massive b or am I right to say no?

How do I get my point across? DH tells her no but she will try and find any opportunity for when the two of us are alone to try and make me change my mind.

OP do you have access to your own money? Can you see a solicitor without your DH knowing?
This family have you trapped and they are using coercive control to keep you trapped. I'm very afraid that all they want from you are your children.
You need help and support to recognise what they are doing and to work out the safest way to escape.
Call Women's Aid. Get legal advice. Whatever you do, do not have the baby in Scotland, and do not give them an inkling that you are planning to leave.

Just tell her no in the nicest possible way, adding that her constant insistence is not good for yours or your baby’s well being. Also ask your husband to step up and insist that she stops hounding you.

I think it's gone beyond just blocking her number. I think you need to get out of there with your child before the baby arrives. Have you got money?

Problem solved then. You don't go to hers and she won't come to yours.
No more batshit MIL to deal with.

she's taking advantage of the fact that you are pregnant to try and get in control of you, you need to tear her a new arsehole (metaphorically)

I think I would get shirty with her and say: look, it’s lovely that you’re so excited about the baby but it is NOT going to happen so don’t bring it up again.

Please speak to your midwife and explain the situation. They can put you in touch with support organisations and maybe help with some excuses. You won’t get the best care and after care just rocking up to A&E in Labour? There’s all sorts of stuff about registering the birth and a gp for health visitors, vaccination etc. you can’t just rock up from town to town on the whim of you mil

the reason she's going at you so hard OP is that she knows (probably just instinctively rather than a thought out strategy) this is her chance to get in control of you and your child. If she can dominate you and make you obey her now she can sit back and reap the benefits (of having a compliant servant) later. It's about consolidating and extending her status as matriarch .

She sounds bonkers.

Why would you leave your own home and uproot the whole family to sleep in a box room with your DC1 and baby? As for telling your own DM not to bother seeing you I would be having very firm boundaries and expectations going forward.

Next time she brings it up you just say you want to stay at your own home and they are welcome to visit when it is mutually convenient and then it is less disruptive for your whole family including DC1. Also make it clear she is your DHs mother not yours and as such your DM is just as welcome as she is so they have to share access to the baby.

Stand your ground here!

I really feel for you, this is such an insidiously awful way to be treated.

She sounds insane. Who on Earth would want to do that. Don't worry about offending her. You need to be really clear that there is no way you will be doing this, you need to be at home with your own space, etc. put a stop to this now so that this doesn't become a theme of her trying to control your family and decisions.

that if I'm not comfortable coming to hers, she won't be comfortable coming to ours either.

Well that sounds like a win!

I KNOW you don't want to live with me. What's that all about?

Because we are adults with our own independent family life, and wish to have our own home and life. As just about every adult does. apart from man babies in basements following Andrew Tate

Or because you are a total PITA, MIL

I think your situation is a bit more serious than you made out in your OP. You should contact Women's Aid and ask them to help you and your babies escape, their behaviour is not normal and your husband is even worse. If there is any way you can get away from them before baby is born, please do so and tell your midwife about the abuse your husband is throwing at you (because that's what it is) and the pressure you are being put under to give birth in a way that is creating stress and worry for you and may not even be safe. They all sound completely batshit and should be kept away from having any influence on your children.

“Linda, as I have said before, I am not doing that. Stop asking. If you continue to ask me, I will limit all contact with you”

say it and stick to it

Fuck, I hope you get yourself and your children free of these absolute cunts. I hope you get out of the country and give birth away from every single one of them. I’m really worried for you.

She’s mad, is she talking about traditional practices of confinement? In Indian tradition the new mum goes to her own mums house for 40 days to be taken care of not her MIL. I would double check the tradition in her culture and then just refer to that if thats what she’s referring to (some islamic cultures have new mums at the mothers maternal home).

Trying to exclude your mum is just shitty. Your husband is also a giant bellend. Honestly I’d want to leave, this sounds like psychological warfare and gaslighting. She genuinely sounds horrific. I’d mention it to the midwife as well, you may need that later.

If she won't be on leave exactly how does she intend to help you when you're there anyway?

You need to do what's best for you in this situation, being rested and comfortable in your space is more important than anything prior to and after giving birth. Don't give in to this, remind her she can visit, and stop talking with her about it. Any time she brings it up hand the phone to DH or change the subject.

That sounds like a win-win to me! You do NOT want her coming to stay with you after you have the baby because it would end up as a nightmare.
As for what your DH said before the birth of your first DC; that was wrong in every single way. I'd be tempted to remind him of when he said that and then tell him that he either straightens his mother out or you may not wish to be married to him.

Just tell her, "promises, promises".
Actually, tell her one more time and inform her that if she continues, you will not talk to her again until she abides by your decision.
That is such an outrageous ask, how can she even entertain that idea?

That was my thought too. Get her in Scotland, bribe the DH to stay there and divorce OP and take control of DC, label OP as unfit, etc. I would put nothing past that shrew MIL.

The only one who used it as a threat was your NVDH. Tell him it's not a threat or an ultimatum. Nor is it toxic or abusive. It is you, standing up for yourself and your DC and not being manipulated by a toxic and abusive MIL.
REALLY think about taking either child to Scotland in the near future if what PP said could happen. That might be why she is insistent on you going there. She knows the marriage is rocky, so she'll ensure her DS (your NVDH) has a better chance of keeping the kids.
PLEASE be wary.

You need to get away and soon. Before you cannot travel. Call your family and tell them what is happening and that you need HELP! If your NVDH wants to go to Scotland, he will try and force you or take the children and go.
I am actually VERY terrified FOR you and your DC.
One against many never ends well.

@Mursul have you spoken to a midwife about this? You say your MIL wants reasons why you don't want to go to Scotland and give birth there. It's such a ridiculous suggestion that she shouldn't need reasons. Any mother knows that giving birth or being in their own house after having a baby is best for mum and baby.
Here are some of my reasons:
*It will be uncomfortable all staying in one box room.
*Old children will be disrupted by new born baby
*Older child will find birth of second child tricky so needs familiarity and routines
*I will be bleeding and need my own space/bathroom
*Moses basket/cot/co-sleeper is set up for my bedroom/house and there won't be space for this in the box room at yours
*OH will be tired from frequent wakings so needs space to be able to sleep in another room if necessary
*My birth file/notes are here with my hospital/midwife and transferring now isn't the safest option for me or baby
*Our support network is here and my friend/sister/mother (insert as appropriate) will be here to support me when needed
*You're batshit crazy and I'm worried you'll have me sectioned and steal my baby

Please do speak to your midwife or GP about this, there are lots of alarm bells here for me and you need the professionals to know about it so they can support you.

Do you have anywhere you can escape to after the baby is born op if your mil insists on coming down and outstaying her welcome? Or can you pre agree she stays in a hotel and not with you? I hadn't appreciated in my last post that your husband doesn't have your back. Personally I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near my baby.