Insistent MIL - how do I tell her no?

[Mursul]

Hi!

I am pregnant with my second baby, I live in England and my in-laws in Scotland. My MIL has constantly been insisting, before I even got pregnant and back when I was pregnant with baby 1, that I come to hers a couple of weeks before birth and stay at hers until the baby is one month old. I said no thank you, but she keeps insisting and insisting, every time she sees me, everytime she calls me, especially when my husband is not around, she will ask me to give birth and stay at hers.

So that she can "provide support", and that they can all "bond with the baby".

She even told me that her husband had insulted her, mocked and verbally abused her when I said no.

She will say things like "I am asking nicely" to make me feel bad and it's just really getting to me.

I just want to give birth in the hospital near my home and stay in my house where I am most comfortable. If we go to hers it would also mean having to share a reconverted box room with a bunk bed between me, DH, DC1, and DC2. I also suspected they will use that as an excuse to have DC2 sleep with them.

She's also saying my mum doesn't need to bother to come as I "also have a mum in Scotland" and "not to disturb her".

Am I a massive b or am I right to say no?

How do I get my point across? DH tells her no but she will try and find any opportunity for when the two of us are alone to try and make me change my mind.

Is your next baby a girl?

I’d go with the firm but kind approach: Mil I want to be in the comfort of my own home, give birth at my local hospital and have the support of my friends and family after the birth. I do hope to include you in this and that you will be able to visit us but I won’t be coming to stay when I have this baby so please don’t ask again. I really don’t want to fall over this so please make this the last time you mention it.

We won't know until the baby is born
Why is that?

Perfect, thank you!

Saying no is a legitimate response.

Saying that if no is not respected then divorce is an option is legitimate.

You can only freely give consent if not under duress. Duress includes multiple people pressuring you into something you don't feel comfortable.

Giving birth and the period after it is a deeply personal and private thing. If you don't feel comfortable it could have a major impact on your health. Demands to do what they want aren't going to make you comfortable. It SHOULD be on your terms and your terms alone - with your DH supporting that.

Anything else is coercive.

Well this is a red flag. They call you rude when you have boundaries. Problematic. It's hard enough when people keep barging over your boundaries, let alone when they declare you are rude to even HAVE boundaries. Hopefully your husband respects your right to have boundaries?

Once you have said no again, the next time she asks (and the time after that and the time after that) you can answer with “you’ve asked, I’ve answered”

Send @lechatnoir ’s message and then if she persists, block her. I wouldn’t trust her around you or your children, she sounds deranged!

When I told my DH that I wanted to divorce him after a similar instance with his family and him ganging up against me, they said that I was giving divorce as an ultimatum to get my way and that it was toxic and abusive

I think you have to turn what they say round onto them.

If you were so toxic and abusive for threatening divorce to get your own way. Then your Dh is just as bad as he has done the same.
Then conclude with it’s probably best we get divorced.

I totally understand! I think the point is you can't make sensible arguments. You just have to say no and expect her to listen.

I’m Arab. This is not an Arab cultural problem. This is a mother in law problem.

Just keep refusing and saying no. You’re not doing anything wrong.

When I told my DH that I wanted to divorce him after a similar instance with his family and him ganging up against me, they said that I was giving divorce as an ultimatum to get my way and that it was toxic and abusive.

Your husband took part in this bullying of you then he is domestic abuser too. I suspected but this makes it clear.

My own family lives abroad

Divorce. Have the baby there, emigrate, look into achieving it with the first DC. I'm not joking. Toxic families like this can be impossible. You've two DC with this man whih ties you together unfortunately and gives them leverage over you. Although a lot of men lose interest in DC when they meet someone new, this would be in yours and DC best interests. Being involved with toxic families like this never ends well. They'll chip away at your soul slowly destroying who you are and your ability to protect your DC from harm (them). If you stay you're effectively chipping away at your own soul, minimising yourself, making yourself amenable to them but it's impossible, they're never satisfied - they want total control.

I agree that if they are ganging up on you and calling you abusive for wanting to be in your own home with your baby after you give birth, I think this is something that might be helpful to disclose to your midwife. That is a private setting where she can help you get support and advice about how to protect yourself and your children.

Thank you for your reply.

Because of past history, I was told by solicitors that it was very likely for me to get a relocation order. My worry is if I fail and have to stay, they'll all make my life hell

Reading your posts, it concerns me that your DH does not seem fully on side with you. Does he actually want your family to relocate to Scotland? Is he letting your MIL do the talking for him ?

Going to Scotland to give birth - how long go the in-laws plan to keep you there ? You mention the first month - but is this just relocation by stealth?

DH needs to put his cards on the table OP.

Good luck with the birth, at home in England, and with navigating your ILs

Sorry, bit of a cross post there.Totally agree with @PatchworkDonkey

They didn't say I was abusive for wanting to give birth here, it was a separate instance where my husband disclosed some private medical issues that I was very very ashamed of to my MIL after an argument with me. They spoke ill of me and he used his mum's words against me. Gave me an insight into what his mum, and obviously him, thought of me. I told him this was not on and wanted to leave the house and go home (I was at theirs) and that I wasn't happy anymore in our marriage and wanted to divorce. He refused for me to leave and followed me on the streets looking for me with his family, trying to bring me back. Then they said I wasn't allowed to leave because I had to think of my husband and that's it's his holidays I was going to ruin.
They also said that he is close to his mum and although he shouldn't talk to her about everything, she is his best friend and that threatening divorce was abusive and toxic.

He wants us to go to Scotland for my birth and wasn't defended me at first because he equally wanted that.

I had no idea about the law being different and me potentially being stuck.
Thank you

They're making your life hell now. They have already knocked your confidence. Got you questioning if it's better the devil you know (it isn't), fear of the future, fear of what they'd do. They've got you running scared and feeling helpless. It'll only get worse, leaving gets harder and harder as time goes on and you get more and more crushed. Until the day you don't recognise who you are any more and wonder where she went, that person you used to be. Sometimes people find their anger and leave then, many years too late and already badly harmed by it all. Sometimes they never leave and remain shadows of themselves.

She is very manipulative and has an answer to everything

The trick is to walk away/go out so you don’t have to listen to her answers or just let all the reasons wash over you. Don’t even begin to answer to the manipulation This is where the word Whatever is a perfect response.
She gets off on trying to win every little point till you have no where to go
Whatever indicates there is nothing time be won as you are not playing the game. If on the phone put the phone down so you don’t have to hear her answers

A 3rd alternative is as soon as you have said no to her question, lay the phone down and go about what you were doing letting her talk on and on till she realises you aren’t there. Or every so often listen in to hear her talking then put the phone down and say to whoever is in the house or even if no one is

She’s still rabbiting on and on. It’s so boring. So she can hear what you say.

Broken record. Pick a phrase like "I'm not going to Scotland to give birth" and just say it every time any of them come at you.

"I already said to you, MIL, I'm not going to Scotland to give birth."
"I'm sorry your husband is behaving that way, but I'm not going to Scotland to give birth."
"I understand that you think it would help you bond with the baby, but I'm not going to Scotland to give birth."
"I'm very sorry you think I'm rude, but..."

You can't argue or reason with these people so don't put any energy into trying, just be a brick wall and let them wear themselves out banging their heads against it. And it defuses them much better than simply repeating "no."

It's a shame you decided to stay with him and have a second child, given he is nothing more than a bully. And his whole family are bullies too.

my husband disclosed some private medical issues that I was very very ashamed of to my MIL after an argument with me.

He really is a nasty piece of work.

He refused for me to leave and followed me on the streets looking for me with his family, trying to bring me back. Then they said I wasn't allowed to leave because I had to think of my husband and that's it's his holidays I was going to ruin.

You need to get away for your sake & the kids.

Bloody hell-I don't think your MIL is the problem here! Have you got somewhere to go? Can you and your child go to your own mother?

Oh my goodness. That is... even worse than what I thought was happening to you. Are you confident you can trust this man? A man who reveals private medical information about his wife and then allows it to be used against her, that is very concerning actually. And when you considered divorce because of this betrayal by him, you were then called abusive, with him and his entire family ganging up on you to call you abusive and to look for you to prevent you leaving. That is extremely coercive. I am now a bit worried about you.