Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Friend has caused huge offence in our friendship/hobby group?

185 replies

CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:13

He didn't mean to but what he said was hugely offensive.

People were discussing the achiements of a woman who is a single mum, has a busy job and a child with severe disabilities, a teenager who has to be watched every minute. She is a amazing all round and especially in how hard she trains and what she achieves in the hobby.

Anyway, this man who I don't think realised how offensive what he said was, although he really should have (a man in his 40s with children of his own) said something along the lines of "yes, I don't known how she does it and she handles her <very offensive word> daughter brilliantly too".

It's a word that I heard a lot at school but hasn't been socially acceptable for several decades now.

No one is ready to forgive him. Would you be?

OP posts:
Xrays · 04/06/2023 17:14

I’m guessing it’s the R word? Wow if so that’s SO offensive. I think someone should tell him how offensive it is. He won’t learn otherwise if he genuinely is ignorant.

Clymene · 04/06/2023 17:14

Did the word begin with R?

If you like this bloke, can you say something to him? Unfortunately it's still quite frequently used in the US

Original poster
CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:14

Xrays · 04/06/2023 17:14

I’m guessing it’s the R word? Wow if so that’s SO offensive. I think someone should tell him how offensive it is. He won’t learn otherwise if he genuinely is ignorant.

No, not that one. S

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2023 17:15

He’s in his 40s, there’s NO excuse for using a derogatory word like that.

IWFH · 04/06/2023 17:15

I assumed the word began with S.

Maddy70 · 04/06/2023 17:15

What are you on about? Where has he said anything offensive?

WilkinsonM · 04/06/2023 17:16

Maddy70 · 04/06/2023 17:15

What are you on about? Where has he said anything offensive?

She's missed out the word that he used. Presumable he said 'she handles her sp*stic daughter well' or something equally as gross and outdated. Do you think that's ok?

Dacadactyl · 04/06/2023 17:16

I think it mightve been the S word. If it was, that was the accepted parlance for quite a while. I would bring it up with him and jst say "not sure whether you realised it but what you said was offensive. It might be an idea to apologise to the others"

I would forgive him tbh.

Showersugar · 04/06/2023 17:16

There is no way someone under 50 doesn't know how offensive that word is - and why did he need to mention the child's 'condition' at all? The sentence still would have made perfect sense without it. Sounds willful to me. Give him hell.

Original poster
CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:17

Maddy70 · 04/06/2023 17:15

What are you on about? Where has he said anything offensive?

? He used a very offensive term to describe the disabled daughter, albeit whist trying to say somethjng nice.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 04/06/2023 17:17

I'm in my 40s. I remember my dad telling me it was offensive and should never be used when I was a child. As PP says though, it is more common in the US

IggyAce · 04/06/2023 17:18

I assumed the S word, I absolutely despise that word. If someone hasn’t already he needs to be told how offensive that word is.

Original poster
CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:18

Showersugar · 04/06/2023 17:16

There is no way someone under 50 doesn't know how offensive that word is - and why did he need to mention the child's 'condition' at all? The sentence still would have made perfect sense without it. Sounds willful to me. Give him hell.

He's been told and he's apologised, but I don't think he really gets just how awful it was.

OP posts:
marthasmum · 04/06/2023 17:18

Of course it’s offensive. But how will people ever learn, if they don’t get feedback? It sounds from the context that he meant to say something supportive, not to insult her daughter - but he got it very wrong. I agree with dacadactyl - tell him what he’s done wrong, give him the chance to learn and apologise wholeheartedly.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/06/2023 17:18

I know which word you mean. To be fair to him, he will have been raised with that being a perfectly acceptable and well used term.
If we remember what Scope used to be called.....

He just needs reminding of what's acceptable these days. I wouldn't give him grief or talk badly of him UNLESS he has given any indication that he intended to cause offence

AssertiveGertrude · 04/06/2023 17:18

What a nasty horrible man

MissyB1 · 04/06/2023 17:18

Yes just tell him, not in a big accusatory angry/dramatic way. Just a “by the way that word isn’t acceptable, apology would be a good idea”.

And yes he should know better, but only you can tell if he was deliberately trying to offend.

Showersugar · 04/06/2023 17:20

Dacadactyl · 04/06/2023 17:16

I think it mightve been the S word. If it was, that was the accepted parlance for quite a while. I would bring it up with him and jst say "not sure whether you realised it but what you said was offensive. It might be an idea to apologise to the others"

I would forgive him tbh.

Bullshit, not for someone in their 40s.
I have a disabled sibling, we're late 30s and use of the S word has been hurtful and offensive since our early childhood. I remember someone using it against my sibling when I was in reception.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/06/2023 17:20

MissyB1 · 04/06/2023 17:18

Yes just tell him, not in a big accusatory angry/dramatic way. Just a “by the way that word isn’t acceptable, apology would be a good idea”.

And yes he should know better, but only you can tell if he was deliberately trying to offend.

RTFT!

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 04/06/2023 17:21

I'm mid forties and I remember my great aunt raising money for the "S" society in the nineties. It meant disabled. Now it isn't acceptable.

It does raise the thought though as to how many words will end up taken into the realms of offensive when they never were meant in an offensive manner. Though I hasten to add this person was obviously using it as an offensive term and they shouldn't have done that!

Clymene · 04/06/2023 17:21

He wasn't deliberately trying to be offensive - he clearly didn't realise which means he has never used it as a slur against anyone or heard it used. So you've explained and he's apologised, I'm not sure what else you want to happen?

Freeballing · 04/06/2023 17:21

If someone said something that they didn't realise was offensive I would correct them. If they did it again that is when I would consider shunning them.

Beezknees · 04/06/2023 17:21

Honestly it's just pure ignorance "not to know" how offensive these words are in this day and age for someone in their 40s. I'd be very disappointed.

mum11970 · 04/06/2023 17:23

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/06/2023 17:18

I know which word you mean. To be fair to him, he will have been raised with that being a perfectly acceptable and well used term.
If we remember what Scope used to be called.....

He just needs reminding of what's acceptable these days. I wouldn't give him grief or talk badly of him UNLESS he has given any indication that he intended to cause offence

Agree with this. Wasn’t an offensive word to start with and has just be used in such a derogatory way that even the society had to change it’s name to Scope. If he genuinely wasn’t trying to be offensive then just explain, in a non accusatory way, that it’s not a word that should be used anymore.

Samcro · 04/06/2023 17:23

If it’s the s word I am thinking off I would never speak to someone again if someone called my dd
( has happened as they have CP)

Swipe left for the next trending thread