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Original poster

Friend has caused huge offence in our friendship/hobby group?

185 replies

CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:13

He didn't mean to but what he said was hugely offensive.

People were discussing the achiements of a woman who is a single mum, has a busy job and a child with severe disabilities, a teenager who has to be watched every minute. She is a amazing all round and especially in how hard she trains and what she achieves in the hobby.

Anyway, this man who I don't think realised how offensive what he said was, although he really should have (a man in his 40s with children of his own) said something along the lines of "yes, I don't known how she does it and she handles her <very offensive word> daughter brilliantly too".

It's a word that I heard a lot at school but hasn't been socially acceptable for several decades now.

No one is ready to forgive him. Would you be?

OP posts:
Theladyinluna · 04/06/2023 17:41

I think if he didn't realise the word was offensive, and changes his use of the word in the future, then not moving on from this is ridiculous. Words change, if he didn't mean the derogation of the daughter that is now contained in the word, then he shouldn't be ostracised for it.

I find this age of no redemption much more appalling that people unintentionally causing offense.

Obviously if he did mean to be offensive or continues the use of a word that you have all made him aware is offensive then that is different.

Spudlet · 04/06/2023 17:42

I’m 40 and I remember that word - and even more so the short version that this guy used - being unacceptable. Yes, I also remember what Scope used to be called, but I also remember it changing and why! He’s in his forties, not his nineties - there’s no excuse for him. I very much hope the woman in question wasn’t there to hear him, as that would be so so hurtful.

Clymene · 04/06/2023 17:42

Honestly I'd just freeze him out. Anyone who thinks it's street to throw disablist slurs around about a disabled child is an arsehole.

And I think his speech sounded incredibly patronising too.

nahwhale · 04/06/2023 17:44

CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:30

No she wasn't there, but relatives of another child with the same condition (not cerebral palsy) were.

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I think if they have a child with the condition the slur is aimed at then it is completely understandable why they would find this unforgivable. I personally can't see how he didn't know this wasn't acceptable. So it's up to you and your friends who know him better to decide if he is sincere in his ignorance.

Thebigblueballoon · 04/06/2023 17:45

It sounds like they used the Sp word due to an embarrassing level of ignorance, rather than to undermine or be malicious. It is NOT OK, but if he is genuinely remorseful and took the feedback seriously, I’d perhaps give him a final strike.

nahwhale · 04/06/2023 17:45

Qilin · 04/06/2023 17:40

He used the shortened version, which is even worse I think?

That's even worse tbh. Much worse than using the full word, which was used in a non-offensive way in the past, albeit a very long time ago now. For example, Scope changed its name in 1994 - that's almost 30 years ago.

The shortened version has always been a derogative term ime, it's never knowingly used in a positive manner.

This. It's always been an insult so I really struggle to see how he hasn't known this but perhaps he grew up isolated in a field or something

ohyesiknowwhatyoumean · 04/06/2023 17:46

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UrsulaBelle · 04/06/2023 17:47

@Maddy70 @GulesMeansRed But he didn’t use the term spastic, he called her ‘her spazz daughter.’ That’s unforgivable IMO.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 04/06/2023 17:48

My Dad used to volunteer to delivery collection boxes and bags for the S Society back in the v early 1990s. It stopped being an acceptable term very shortly after and was (is?) known as Scope.

There is no way this man knew it wasn't very offensive, given his age.

It is a term that has resurfaced though, unfortunately. Think it made it into the lyrics of a Rihanna song and she was urged to change it/re-record it, but the fact that it made it in in the first place is indicative of the fact that it has crept back into use, unfortunately.

ChocolateTea · 04/06/2023 17:49

Some people just don’t get it. They have a mentality of “I’ve always said that word and it’s just people being pc”

I’ve seen people use the word sp re*, people using handicap instead of disability in their writing and their speech.

if he is genuinely sorry and didn’t genuinely realise why that word is not used, and he’s been educated about it, I’d encourage others to give him the benefit of the doubt.

if he’s just saying it and doesn’t mean it (or says something like my parents have said that for years there’s nothing wrong with it) then tbh cut him out

AutumnCrow · 04/06/2023 17:50

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ChocolateTea · 04/06/2023 17:50

Sorry my stars didn’t work properly. Basically the s word and the r word

which seem to be coming back as insults via social media with teenagers tbh

AutumnCrow · 04/06/2023 17:51

UrsulaBelle · 04/06/2023 17:47

@Maddy70 @GulesMeansRed But he didn’t use the term spastic, he called her ‘her spazz daughter.’ That’s unforgivable IMO.

I've just attempted to say that but the term's so offensive that it's an auto-delete.

Of course he knew he was being an arsehole.

Simplyfedup · 04/06/2023 17:51

He used an offensive word. This was explained to him. He apologised. What more do you want? Sackcloth and ashes?
Unless he's got form for being obnoxious you're being unreasonable.

marthasmum · 04/06/2023 17:52

Agree with others having heard more - the shortened version has always been used in a derogatory way so that puts a different spin on it.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 04/06/2023 17:52

How sincere did his apology seem? Was he mortified?

lieselotte · 04/06/2023 17:54

OP, are you and all your friends completely sure that none of you has ever ever ever done anything that might be offensive*?

If you don't think your friend meant to be offensive, tell him the word is offensive and ask him not to use it again. End of matter.

*spoiler alert - you will have done. All of you. Probably more than once.

mondaytosunday · 04/06/2023 17:55

I grew up in the US, and a very offensive racist word here (UK) but not there and I said it once - unfortunately to a person of that race (about something else). I had no idea. She of course told me and i of course apologised profusely and gave be et uttered the word since.
But I did not grow up where it was an offensive term. This man did. I'm 61, and the 's' term (and the 'r' word) WAS used regularly (even Rachel in Friends uses it's shortened form). But times change and one knows not to use it now (though still considered less offensive in the US).

knittingaddict · 04/06/2023 17:55

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 04/06/2023 17:21

I'm mid forties and I remember my great aunt raising money for the "S" society in the nineties. It meant disabled. Now it isn't acceptable.

It does raise the thought though as to how many words will end up taken into the realms of offensive when they never were meant in an offensive manner. Though I hasten to add this person was obviously using it as an offensive term and they shouldn't have done that!

It didn't just mean disabled. It meant a very particular form of disability (cerebral palsy I think).

It was a medically term at the time, although I've no idea if is still used in the medical field today. It's certainly not an acceptable word for the general public to use.

It didn't sound like this man meant it in an offensive way, but it has been explained and hopefully he won't unintentionally offend again.

Showersugar · 04/06/2023 17:55

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 04/06/2023 17:52

How sincere did his apology seem? Was he mortified?

She's already answered that, he didn't seem to get it. And he has form for wanting to be 'street'.

Beaverbridge · 04/06/2023 17:55

Absolutely disgusting word. Always has been.

nahwhale · 04/06/2023 17:56

ChocolateTea · 04/06/2023 17:50

Sorry my stars didn’t work properly. Basically the s word and the r word

which seem to be coming back as insults via social media with teenagers tbh

Oh I hope not. I hoped for better for the kids of today

CinnamonJellyBeans · 04/06/2023 17:57

DarkForces · 04/06/2023 17:26

I mean it's not great, but he's apologised and presumably didn't mean to offend. What's he meant to do? Beat himself with brambles as some kind of self righteous punishment? It sounds like you've all decided to ostracise him and feel good while you do it. I'd take a long hard look at your behaviour as a group and question what they'll do to you if you accidentally step out of line one day.

yep.

Original poster
CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:57

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 04/06/2023 17:52

How sincere did his apology seem? Was he mortified?

I think his apology was genuine in that he genuinely didn't mean to hurt anyone and is sorry/shocked that he did, but I don't think he fully understands why it was so offensive or believes that it is. I.e. if he changes his behaviour as a result it will be to avoid the fall out rather than because he now gets it iyswim.

Whether that's a measure of his stupidity or obstinance, I'm not sure.

OP posts:
nahwhale · 04/06/2023 17:57

CheesyOnion · 04/06/2023 17:57

I think his apology was genuine in that he genuinely didn't mean to hurt anyone and is sorry/shocked that he did, but I don't think he fully understands why it was so offensive or believes that it is. I.e. if he changes his behaviour as a result it will be to avoid the fall out rather than because he now gets it iyswim.

Whether that's a measure of his stupidity or obstinance, I'm not sure.

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Then I can see why no one wants anything to do with him