Friend has caused huge offence in our friendship/hobby group?

[CheesyOnion]

He didn't mean to but what he said was hugely offensive.

People were discussing the achiements of a woman who is a single mum, has a busy job and a child with severe disabilities, a teenager who has to be watched every minute. She is a amazing all round and especially in how hard she trains and what she achieves in the hobby.

Anyway, this man who I don't think realised how offensive what he said was, although he really should have (a man in his 40s with children of his own) said something along the lines of "yes, I don't known how she does it and she handles her <very offensive word> daughter brilliantly too".

It's a word that I heard a lot at school but hasn't been socially acceptable for several decades now.

No one is ready to forgive him. Would you be?

(Cross post with @MindTheAbyss)

But obviously in common enough use/enough lack of awareness that it got in in the first place. There are lots of people involved in making those tracks who presumably didn't see anything wrong with it.

Really? God, I had no idea.

It was a medically term at the time, although I've no idea if is still used in the medical field today. It's certainly not an acceptable word for the general public to use.

My ds has a rare genetic condition that causes spasticity. It has spastic in its title so it is still used medically.

However not in the same as used to insult people.

I agree with all those above who say if he's apologised then it seems odd not to move on. Otherwise eventually we'll have the whole world ostracised because lots of people use words they don't know are offensive.

I'm 50, and I clearly remember being shocked by the name of the Spastic Society as a child( it was definitely not a word we would have been allowed to say either at home or at school). It was an unacceptable word for quite some time before the charity changed its name. I remember reading about the name change and being surprised that it hadn't been done years before.

It's good that he has apologised, but I can see how this kind of behaviour would change how other people in the group feel about him.

"sp**z" was used in Ted Lasso the other week, in the scene when some kids were making fun of Jamie Tartt. I felt so uncomfortable and disappointed, as my daughter has CP.

No one is bullying the guy. And you don't have to be forgiven just cos you said sorry. Sounds like he's sorry he got called out, not sorry for using such an offensive term.

I'm 64. That word was used when I was growing up but hasn't been in general use for decades. A 40 year old person in the UK did not grow up with it being acceptable.

I don't know, that was my question. I've been surprised at the strength of feeling and wondered how others would respond.

My personal view is that he did something really stupid but he's apologised. He's probably not someone I want to be close to, but as an aquaintance I'll keep an open mind until/unless I see this is a pattern.

Would it be different if an elderly person had said exactly the same thing?

Ffs
someone makes a disablist remark and some how they are the vict

I’m in my 70s and I agree with you @NatashaDancing.

Not surprised at the strength of feeling over what was said, but at the determination not to let it go now, several weeks later.

Given that he was saying something nice about her I would certainly be inclined to forgive him. So long as he seemed genuinely regretful once it was pointed out how awful it is.

My family (or specifically, two older family members) used to use a racial slur that I had no idea was an offensive term. I was absolutely mortified when someone pointed it out to me and genuinely had no idea, and still cringe now remembering how many times I must have used it before someone told me. People being open to being educated is the important thing, I think.

It has a slightly different meaning in America, much milder, and most people there don't know its derivation. So it is re-entering British youth culture through innocent use by Americans.

What do you mean by 'elderly'? On here it seems to be anything over around 55.

Someone in their 60s, say, or late 50s, like me and my DP, will have gone through the years when it (the offensiveness) was debated very publicly and thus should know better. Same with people in their 70s+. They were there for the debate.

its horrid word. He said it as part of a wider comment that was meant kindly and positively, and he had subsequently apologised when told how offensive it was….then what exactly do you want? Are you looking to completely cancel him and eject him from the group? I think that’s unnecessary and really quite inappropriate of you

It was very clearly used in ignorance. It was an uninformed mistake. If he apologised as soon as he was told it is offensive it is then surely everyone should move on.

DD2 has severe cerebral palsy but is mostly hypotonic as opposed to hypertonic. Doctors still use the word spastic and spasticity to describe hypertonia in medical contexts which doesn’t make it inoffensive when used incorrectly or as a noun or adjective describing a person, but the original word wasn’t offensive; it was used as a form of abuse and so became so. This man was not using it as a form of abuse. We all know the difference when we see or hear it.

He must be mortified. Is he young? Someone young might lack the awareness someone my age will have. I’m old enough to remember SCOPE making the change.

Elderly people sometimes reference my daughter being “handicapped” -which makes me wince a bit but I totally understand that that was an acceptable and normal descriptor for many years, as opposed to the word “cripple” which was actually in common usage early last century and in the 19th century. It’s just like my puzzled grandma, way back, thinking “coloured” was more polite than “black” referencing ethnicity. It probably was at one time and she lived all her life in a very white community so she just didn’t keep up.

You don’t know until you know!

It would be no better. Any "elderly person" (whatever that means) is old enough to have lived through the societal changes to know it's offensive.

The Spastic Society changed the name to Scope in 1994 as spastic had long been used as an insult/ playground bullying.

As an aside, I'm so sick of the ageist attitudes that assume "elderly people" are oblivious to societal changes and standards.

The word spazz has never ever been anything but a slur.

Please can we not pretend otherwise.

That's possible- given the examples of Lizzo, Beyonce and Ted Lasso using it. That's sad if true. Sweeping generalisation coming up but the US seems to be hyper sensitive to racial slurs but far less switched on about ableist slurs.

Just read the OP again and seen he’s in his forties. I’m surprised he didn’t know it was offensive, but he obviously didn’t, as why would he purposefully disgust his friends by using it in the context he did? He’s spectacularly ignorant but presumably not ill-intentioned.

I think we should try and look at what is in people's hearts. Including our own.

And perhaps we take a sort of pleasure when someone screws up. Or are relieved. It can make us feel virtuous.

Yes some language causes distress. Excluding someone for a mistake will also cause distress.

I only ask that as OP states age of man who made the question as though it is relevant to the story. I don’t think it should make a difference whether they are 20 or 90 in fact older should know better although it’s wrong whoever uses it