Friend has caused huge offence in our friendship/hobby group?

[CheesyOnion]

He didn't mean to but what he said was hugely offensive.

People were discussing the achiements of a woman who is a single mum, has a busy job and a child with severe disabilities, a teenager who has to be watched every minute. She is a amazing all round and especially in how hard she trains and what she achieves in the hobby.

Anyway, this man who I don't think realised how offensive what he said was, although he really should have (a man in his 40s with children of his own) said something along the lines of "yes, I don't known how she does it and she handles her <very offensive word> daughter brilliantly too".

It's a word that I heard a lot at school but hasn't been socially acceptable for several decades now.

No one is ready to forgive him. Would you be?

I'm 45 and don't believe anyone in their 40s doesn't know that it's offensive. And the shortened version was always used to cause offence.

He could fuck right off with his apology as well

Ah, the shortened version is not great. That does make it worse.

It's becoming widely used again amongst teens around here (N. Yorks), but the kids don't seem to have any comprehension of what the word originally meant. They've picked it up from American YouTubers, and use it in the way it continues to be used there; to mean someone was being silly or making a fool of themselves. When it's pointed out to them, most of them are mortified, but I think we're fighting a losing battle.

The middle-aged woman who recently called my autistic DS a 'flappy little fucking spastic' was clearly being deliberately offensive.

It obviously was a deliberate insult in the context/sentence structure he used it in (at least if in the tone of voice I imagine.)

'Her sh*thead daughter' or whatever. That space could be filled with any insult.

“Shortened version” is one hell of a dripfeed!
Full version - it’s possible someone in their 40s didn’t know it was no longer acceptable (people will argue with that, but I do believe there’s a small chance) and if they were genuinely apologetic - and mortified - about it, I’d move on. Shortened version is a very different kettle of fish. Odd thing not to post up front, I think.

That's awful, I'm not sure what I'd do if someone called my ds that . The thought fills me with rage if I'm honest

Its not bullshit. Scope only changed their name at the tail end of 1994. I was 9 at the time.

I couldn't say it because it gets deleted.

I thought very offensive term was sufficient tbh. Which one doesn't really change the context.

That would be it for me. It was offensive in the 1980s.

Its almost 30 years ago! And spazz has always been offensive

The shortened version is awful 😢

My ten year old son has spastic diplegic cerebral palsy, it's very much still used today in medical terms. I use the word occasionally around him when taking about 'spasticity', in the vain hope that when he is inevitably called a 'spastic' as he grows older it will wash over him.

Sadly so. I’ve taught in secondary schools for nearly a decade and have had to speak to kids about using these terms more in the last six months than I have done in 10 years

I'm so sorry you experienced that. My sibling hasn't had it levelled at them for a few years (or not to our face anyway) but the memories are still excoriatingly painful.

Those wanging on, all wide eyed and faux innocent, about collecting for the S society back in the day are no better than the disingenuous twats who insist 'gollies' are harmless.

In what world is bullying a guy who made a mistake better than saying something accidentally offensive whilst meaning well. You and your hobby friends are bullying him, plain and simple. "Taking offence" and being a total shit about it is bullying.

"Which one doesn't really change the context."

But it does. The full version is a medical term that has now fallen out of use, but was never intended to be a term of abuse.
The short version has been abhorrent - in the UK - forever.

The short version has been used for years in the USA, and isn't considered as offensive there as here. I think that's why its finding its way back here, via Tik tok and YouTube.

I think his apology was genuine in that he genuinely didn't mean to hurt anyone and is sorry/shocked that he did, but I don't think he fully understands why it was so offensive or believes that it is. I.e. if he changes his behaviour as a result it will be to avoid the fall out rather than because he now gets it iyswim.

Whether that's a measure of his stupidity or obstinance, I'm not sure.

That's a lot of assumptions on your part about his thinking? How do you know he doesn't get it now? Or do you just want him to continue to be the bad guy and keep this thread frothing?

His age is really not an excuse - I'm 55 and I've known for decades that it's an offensive term.

Agree with captain re it sadly rising again. I've heard teens use it recently and they were told off!

Is he a nice man? Who just didn't realise? I think if he is and his apology is sincere it should be accepted. I had someone at work recently ask what the current correct term for black / mixed race was.

As I said elsewhere, Scope wouldn't have changed names overnight.

I was in reception in 1990/91 and it was used perjoratively (towards my sibling) then. There is no way someone in their 40s doesn't understand the power of that word.

Both Lizzo and Beyoncé have been blasted for using that word in tracks recently. Lizzo made a public apology and they’ve both changed lyrics. There’s been lots of press discussion around it.

So what do you want him to do? Is there any way to atone for what he said? Or is he beyond redemption now?

Hypothetically how can you be disappointed in someone for not knowing something?

Do you know everything?

If someone never had cause to use a word they won't know it's offensive until the first time it happens

We can't automatically know when language changes

They may be words that I dont know are offensive if it's something that never on my radar, doesn't make me a bad person

I'm pretty certain that a couple of big US pop singers included it in lyrics recently and then backtracked when the British meaning was explained?

We all remember The Sp.....s Society when we were younger. That changed its name in1994 to Scope. No excuse at all for that word these days and he's old enough to remember that.