Friend has caused huge offence in our friendship/hobby group?

[CheesyOnion]

He didn't mean to but what he said was hugely offensive.

People were discussing the achiements of a woman who is a single mum, has a busy job and a child with severe disabilities, a teenager who has to be watched every minute. She is a amazing all round and especially in how hard she trains and what she achieves in the hobby.

Anyway, this man who I don't think realised how offensive what he said was, although he really should have (a man in his 40s with children of his own) said something along the lines of "yes, I don't known how she does it and she handles her <very offensive word> daughter brilliantly too".

It's a word that I heard a lot at school but hasn't been socially acceptable for several decades now.

No one is ready to forgive him. Would you be?

Yes, I agree.

When I worked in the States a dozen years ago, I was absolutely shocked when a colleague said "don't s out!" meaning "don't panic!" My other American colleagues didn't see anything wrong with it. I explained the British usage, but got "you crazy foreigner!" shrugs.

I'd go fucking ballistic if somebody said that about my child tbh

My friend has an adult son with cerebral palsy of whom I’m very fond. Talking about something inconsequential, I used the short form S word in relation to something I’d done. She pulled me up on it immediately and I was mortified. I apologised sincerely and have and would never use that word again. I should’ve known better. It was unacceptable on every level

Would you forgive somebody who called a child orf colour the N word or P word? Or a homosexual the F word? Or is it just disabled people being called derogatory offensive names you would forgive 😡😡

That’s horrific.

I feel like it’s always been offensive. Just not as frowned upon

'spastic' and 'spasticity' are medical terms commonly used within the nhs to describe abnormal muscle tone so the word in itself is neither outdated or offensive.
The shorted version is obviously offensive but I can't see anywhere the Op has said he used the the shortened version. I agree it's completely wrong and clumsy to define and refer to someone as a medical term but I do think some of the responses here are completely OTT

That surprises me. What's going on in America?!

He wasn’t using the word to be abusive or with malice, I think shunning him is way too excessive especially as he realised his wrongdoing & apologised. As long as he was remorseful & doesn’t use it again I think you all need to lighten up & forgive him

If they genuinely didn't know it was offensive then I would. I'm the mother of a disabled, gay kid. Life is too short to cut people out because they made a mistake with a word.

I've looked into my heart - what I see is a woman hurt and exhausted by a lifetime of abusive comments about her sibling, and a shrewd judge of character who can sniff out a bully at a thousand paces.

Do you really think I experience pleasure when people use the words being debated on this thread?

Do you think the other parent in the group, who has a disabled child and directly witnessed this man's comment, took pleasure in it? Do you?

I was watching an American show a while back where the mother was lovingly referring to her kid as retarded. It was obviously the norm where she lived. Language isn't the same everywhere. Americans are horrified that brits call a smoke a fag.

Clymene ·
Did the word begin with R?
Unfortunately it's still quite frequently used in the US

Yes Indeed! was reading a biography by Tommy Ramone. (I am assuming you have heard of the Ramones? If not they were a band.) Anyway, they were out having a meal with their manager and an elderly American lady said how nice it is that you (manager) are taking those 'R' guys out for a meal! Ouch!

I'm in my early 50's. When I was in my tweens, that word was used as a vicious insult. It has never been acceptable.

Her post at 17.23

While it might be gaining some traction again in young people influenced by its casual use in the US, there is no way that a British man in his 40s doesn't know it's offensive.

He's not reclaiming it or using it to mean a bit cack handed either. He's using it as a descriptor for a disabled child.

He just sounds quite thick and thick people say stupid things.

I used it once.

I was, obviously, a well cool, edgy young teenager.

Called my mum it.

She hit me with a spatula and gave me a cracking bruise on my wrist.

(I hope) it goes without saying that it's not something I would use now (or any other offensive slur). Given your update about him being genuinely sorry to upset, but not being particularly mortified, I can see why people aren't rushing to forgive. It does give a sense of it being a comfortable word for him.

Agreed, and sorry for derailing the thread there. Trying to explain why it's coming back into youth slang. A 40-something British man has no excuse. I'm older than that, and it's always been an awful slur.

@Freeballing have to agree to disagree wonder if your disabled gay child feels the same way life is too short to worry about words

The shortened word which this man used would not be used in the context of where it would be acceptable in the UK (in a medical setting). So can generally be seen as intending to cause offence, be derogatory or “humourous” - yes some people think things like this are funny.

The full word though can equally be used with the same sickening intent.

Unless the man has spent the last 3 decades in the USA, here in the UK he should have known the reaction it’s use would result in. Clearly he thought he was in like-minded company but was put straight.

We are a lot more politically correct and liberal here in the UK - and things that cause offence in one country do not in another, even crossing ones legs.

At his age in the UK he should have known better.

Yes, if it was not meant as an insult I would certainly forgive him, but I would also not let it pass without pointing out that use of the term spastic was deeply offensive in current times. (Evidenced by the number of posters using the term “s word” to avoid spelling it out). Does anyone remember Ian Dury who released a song called Spasticus Autisticus? Played on TV and radio in the 80s. And until 1994 Scope was called the Spastics’ Society.

I am in my late 60s, so probably a lot older than most posters on here. I remember being told the polite way to refer to a person of colour was a negro. People with Down’s syndrome were referred to as mongols. Half-caste was an acceptable term for mixed race, or dual heritage, or blended origin. No offence was ever intended with the use of those terms though we shudder at the sound of them now.

In the 70s, I was nursing and needed to get an elderly patient (in her 90s) out of bed in the middle of the night. It took two nurses and my colleague was Asian. The patient got very angry and said to her “Good Lord, you can’t touch me, I’m English”. They were both deeply offended by the situation.

My point is that times change, and with the best will in the world it is sometimes hard to keep up. I am terrified of putting my foot in it with ethnicity or gender terminology. My latest anxiety is whether or not cis in an acceptable or insulting term. When a person uses the wrong word, please consider their attitude and intention before blasting them to smithereens for getting it wrong. Personally, I am happy to be corrected if I get it wrong, but it is devastating to be labelled a discriminatory bigot for inadvertently using the wrong words.

Just to point out for context that The Spastic Society only changed its name to Scope in 1994 — 29 years ago.

OP, if this has all happened online then people overreact wildly. Explain to your friend why what he said has caused offence and suggest he make an apology, them leave it. It's not the end of the world.

There are some people who seem to struggle to revise the language they learned in childhood and don't seem to have much capacity for sensitivity about these things. Does your friend often respond inappropriately? I have a cousin with learning difficulties who occasionally comes out with dreadful things that he heard said when he was growing up in the 70s. If you didn't know him you might not immediately be aware of his learning difficulties.

I was diagnosed with IBS in the late 70s but at that time it was called 'spastic colon' [muscle spasms] . I'm not sure when it was changed to being known as IBS , I presume it's because of the connotation .

I see I cross-posted with Trethew and also that autocorrect 'corrected' Spastics Society for me...

The man didn't say the woman's child was spastic. He called her a spazz. It's horrible.

I do wish you'd been clear what the word was when you started the thread. I'm annoyed that I gave this bloke the benefit of the doubt now.