Friend has caused huge offence in our friendship/hobby group?

[CheesyOnion]

He didn't mean to but what he said was hugely offensive.

People were discussing the achiements of a woman who is a single mum, has a busy job and a child with severe disabilities, a teenager who has to be watched every minute. She is a amazing all round and especially in how hard she trains and what she achieves in the hobby.

Anyway, this man who I don't think realised how offensive what he said was, although he really should have (a man in his 40s with children of his own) said something along the lines of "yes, I don't known how she does it and she handles her <very offensive word> daughter brilliantly too".

It's a word that I heard a lot at school but hasn't been socially acceptable for several decades now.

No one is ready to forgive him. Would you be?

It never meant disabled. It was the name for a specific disability. He used the shortened version, which is even worse I think?

Yes. An apology is needed at bare minimum and perhaps a kind gesture towards this Mum or her child wouldn't go amiss

He called her daughter a spazz?

I retract all my previous comments. He's a horrible disablist man

There are very few words I’ll pull someone up on immediately but both the R and the S words receive an immediate bollocking from me. No decent human speaks like that any more!

I mean it's not great, but he's apologised and presumably didn't mean to offend. What's he meant to do? Beat himself with brambles as some kind of self righteous punishment? It sounds like you've all decided to ostracise him and feel good while you do it. I'd take a long hard look at your behaviour as a group and question what they'll do to you if you accidentally step out of line one day.

He's been told and he's apologised, but I don't think he really gets just how awful it was.

Well then I’m not sure what you want from this thread? It’s clear from the context that he didnt know it was a slur, he was told and then he apologised.

Was the mum there and present? How did she feel?

Most people will think it’s awful. Then you will get the usual sorts that make excuses, the ‘you can’t say anything nowadays’ types and the people that just love any excuse to be offensive. These threads are always the same.

It's certainly the wrong word to use. I remember when there was a charity called the s*** society, they had a charity shop near me. I don't understand him not noticing the change and discussion around this.

Sadly people will always make excuses for a grown man being a disablist wanker

It didn't mean 'disabled'. Spastic is a medical term for muscle spasms (common in people with cerebral palsy), it only became a catch all for 'disabled' when it was hi jacked by twats.

Also Scope changed their name in 1994, so we can assume it was offensive for a few years before that (I doubt they'd have changed their name overnight).

I remember being shocked when a friend of DS2's used it in my house when they were about 7yo, so nearly 20 years ago.

I remember it becuause I told him off far more firmly than was probably appropriate for a child who clearly hadn't been taught it was wrong and I remember the look of shock on his face. He had used it "affectionately" to tell DS he was rubbish at their game.

No she wasn't there, but relatives of another child with the same condition (not cerebral palsy) were.

Does he have form for being a shock jock, i kind, bigotry or attention-seeking? If that’s the case, then you have good reason to suspect he knew it was offensive and used it for one of the above reasons. Which is obvs v v horrible.

Otherwise, he’s apologised so I would let your actions be led by the mum.

Bloody hell. I am in my fifties and knew years that we have stopped using that word. And the shortened version has never been acceptable. This doesn’t sound like ignorance actually. I think he knew it was a dreadful word and used it as a joke, hoping for laughs and it didn’t work out for him as planned.

Using the old medical term is just about forgivable but the shortened school playground term from the 1980s is most definitely not. What a horrible man, he must know that’s unacceptable. Faux naivety doesn’t wash.

Not shocking exactly, but he does like to be "street" and the centre of attention.

I have teens and this word seems to have resurfaced - no idea where from - they use it as a term for ‘idiot’

Which isn’t any better!!

I completely agree. The full word would be very, very insulting. The shortened version would be even worse. I can't articulate why, but it feels so derogatory.

Of course not but if she didn't specify how can anyone possible comment

Incidentally my disabled brother was labeled spastic as a young child. That was the accepted term
Remember the spastic society collection boxes outside newsagents?

It's an outdated term , and shouldn't be used but I don't feel he should be ostracised for saying something he doesn't intend to he offensive. He obviously doesn't realise it's now unacceptable.

He made an error. He hasn't murdered anyone

It hasn't been acceptable for many years though, even if it was used a lot in his childhood.
It would be unusual for a man in his 49s to not know that the term is now deemed offensive. Not sure I have ever known anyone use that term for at least two decades, if not longer.

Oh c'mon. He's in his 40s, has kids (so presumably doesn't live under a rock) and wasn't particularly effusive with his apology even when it was pointed out. This twat knows what he's doing.

Please, from someone who has experienced a lifetime of hurtful comments from pricks like this, don't let him wriggle off the hook.

Sometimes I think if there was no malice intended to take it that way. However I refuse to believe in this day and age he didn’t know it was an offensive term.

im not woke but people with disabilities have it hard enough as it is without assholes like him thinking they are brilliant

Personally I’d be civil but nothing more

It was the accepted term for a LOOOOOONG time. It was common parlance until the mid-90s, when the charity rebranded as Scope.

I agree that the best approach is to have a quiet word and say how offensive some people might find the term, no need for a big fall out over it. From what you posted, it was not said with malice.

He used the shortened version, which is even worse I think?

That's even worse tbh. Much worse than using the full word, which was used in a non-offensive way in the past, albeit a very long time ago now. For example, Scope changed its name in 1994 - that's almost 30 years ago.

The shortened version has always been a derogative term ime, it's never knowingly used in a positive manner.