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Original poster

Why are marriage proposals still a thing?

231 replies

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:23

I don't get it one bit. DH and I discussed getting married, then started planning for it together, as we would with any major life decision. You wouldn't leave the timing of a major life decision or even whether it was going to happen to just one person in the relationship, why would it be any different when it comes to marriage? And yet I see so many posts about is he going to propose, when is he going to propose - and this is often after living together and having children! Surely there's no need to be coy about it? Why would you leave such a major decision that affects both people equally completely in the hands of one person (in 99% of cases, the male in a heterosexual relationship)?

Help me understand, wise folks of MN.

OP posts:
Somanycats · 31/05/2023 09:27

No idea. It's our 30th anniversary this year and even back then we didn't have this nonsense. After three years together I said we should get married, he agreed and we started planning it.

Lockheart · 31/05/2023 09:30

Most sensible people will determine they are on the same page about marriage before any proposal.

Original poster
SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:34

@Lockheart If you know you're on the same page, why is there a need for one person (again, the man in 99% of cases) to propose to the other? You both want to get married, great! No one needs to 'propose' to the other person, you can just start the planning.

OP posts:

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Marriage & partnerships
NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 31/05/2023 09:37

I always presume that when people mention marriage proposals, they are referring to what you say. That a couple know they want to stay together so have mutually decided to do so. The "will he propose" ones are invariably from people who deep down know that "he's just not that into you" (or she, obvs)

Bluelightbaby · 31/05/2023 09:39

I would have done it your way. We’ve lived together for three years and have discussed our future at length BUT he desperately wanted to do the old fashioned proposal and tbh it was lovely

Lottapianos · 31/05/2023 09:39

I agree. I think proposals are utterly daft and belong in Jane Austen novels. Ditto engagement rings. And as for asking her father's/ parents' permission 🤦🏻‍♂️ You're a pair of adults, talk about it and make a decision together

Lots of women still seem keen on this rubbish though. I guess it's seen as 'romantic' or some such. Cringe

Lockheart · 31/05/2023 09:39

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:34

@Lockheart If you know you're on the same page, why is there a need for one person (again, the man in 99% of cases) to propose to the other? You both want to get married, great! No one needs to 'propose' to the other person, you can just start the planning.

I'm going to go with "because they want to / think it's romantic etc and don't care what strangers on the internet think".

bibbityboppityboo · 31/05/2023 09:40

I think it's lovely to be proposed to, I really enjoyed it. It was a special moment for me and I'm glad I was proposed to, I'm quite traditional so it was a big thing that I hoped would happen.

Obviously I think 99% of the time before proposing, both people in the couple are aware of what the other person feels with regards to actually getting married. I think it's a lovely tradition to propose marriage, it's a huge commitment and I think getting engaged is a lovely step along the way.

I love the tradition of it - it's a cultural thing, to propose marriage. Isn't it from the medieval times?! Post selling your daughter for cattle era, more of the knights sweeping ladies off their feet on bended knee? 😂

If some people don't want a proposal that's an absolutely fine and modern way of doing it, it doesn't mean just because you both come to the decision to get married that the traditional way is wrong, it just means it's not for everyone.

I think the coy will he won't he propose threads often involve two people where one wants marriage much more than the other, I'm not sure it's always a case of agreeable partners otherwise they'd perhaps just do it as you suggested.

KetoQueen · 31/05/2023 09:40

We decided to get married as I wept over a positive pregnancy test. It was actually very funny, me crying him in his pyjamas feeling like the big man. 😂

Anaemiafog · 31/05/2023 09:41

Instagram and Disney.

Original poster
SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:43

Same with letting someone else pick out rings, even if you give them 'hints' - again, this is something you'll have for the rest of your life so to have minimal agency in it seems odd.

OP posts:
EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 09:45

My kinda person! Me and my DP recently got 'engaged.' We'd long discussed getting married, and about when we'll do it. I then said I'd quite like a nice ring though 😄So we went and bought one together. Only one jeweller commented on 'have you popped the question then!' to DP.
I honestly don't understand in this modern day why a woman would wait around for her partner to propose marriage to her? Surely it's a decision you come to together!

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/05/2023 09:46

I think there situations in which one partner (and yes usually the man) just doesn’t want to get married. And that can speak to underlying problems in the relationship.

But as for me and DH - we had discussed marriage and it was basically assumed by both of us that we would get married at some point, but we hadn’t really talked about the timing of it. We were still quite young and I assumed it would all happen a bit further down the line. So it was a shock to me when he proposed, but it was a wonderful shock and I’m really glad it happened that way.

Original poster
SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:46

Even where both people are on 'the same page' in that they want to get married, the timing shouldn't be up to one person (the man) to decide. One of my friends was in a long-term relationship, had bought a house etc. and both people wanted to get married and had discussed it. Only, it took him a couple of years longer than she wanted to eventually propose. They're married now, but she was very stressed at times waiting for him to do it and it set back their plans to have children when she wanted as well. That lack of agency is puzzling to me in a relationship that is supposedly of equals.

OP posts:
EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 09:47

Bluelightbaby · 31/05/2023 09:39

I would have done it your way. We’ve lived together for three years and have discussed our future at length BUT he desperately wanted to do the old fashioned proposal and tbh it was lovely

I don't think this is too bad either. If you've had a discussion and agreed will be getting married, maybe even bought the ring together, but then said he really wanted to do an old fashioned proposal then I think fine. It's when women seem to sit around just waiting for the man to propose marriage to them I find a bit strange.

Lockheart · 31/05/2023 09:48

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:46

Even where both people are on 'the same page' in that they want to get married, the timing shouldn't be up to one person (the man) to decide. One of my friends was in a long-term relationship, had bought a house etc. and both people wanted to get married and had discussed it. Only, it took him a couple of years longer than she wanted to eventually propose. They're married now, but she was very stressed at times waiting for him to do it and it set back their plans to have children when she wanted as well. That lack of agency is puzzling to me in a relationship that is supposedly of equals.

Then your friend needed to speak up if she wasn't happy.

I'm not sure why you're finding it so hard to understand that some people do things differently from other people. As long as everyone's happy, who cares?

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 09:49

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:46

Even where both people are on 'the same page' in that they want to get married, the timing shouldn't be up to one person (the man) to decide. One of my friends was in a long-term relationship, had bought a house etc. and both people wanted to get married and had discussed it. Only, it took him a couple of years longer than she wanted to eventually propose. They're married now, but she was very stressed at times waiting for him to do it and it set back their plans to have children when she wanted as well. That lack of agency is puzzling to me in a relationship that is supposedly of equals.

That's a good point. I think I'd be saying right wedding planning starts now for X date and if you want to do the whole traditional proposal thing you'll just have to make sure it's done by then? I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for it.

Polis · 31/05/2023 09:49

Surely it's a decision you come to together!

Unless the marriage is arranged, isn’t this what happens regardless of whether there is a formal proposal or not.

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 09:52

bibbityboppityboo · 31/05/2023 09:40

I think it's lovely to be proposed to, I really enjoyed it. It was a special moment for me and I'm glad I was proposed to, I'm quite traditional so it was a big thing that I hoped would happen.

Obviously I think 99% of the time before proposing, both people in the couple are aware of what the other person feels with regards to actually getting married. I think it's a lovely tradition to propose marriage, it's a huge commitment and I think getting engaged is a lovely step along the way.

I love the tradition of it - it's a cultural thing, to propose marriage. Isn't it from the medieval times?! Post selling your daughter for cattle era, more of the knights sweeping ladies off their feet on bended knee? 😂

If some people don't want a proposal that's an absolutely fine and modern way of doing it, it doesn't mean just because you both come to the decision to get married that the traditional way is wrong, it just means it's not for everyone.

I think the coy will he won't he propose threads often involve two people where one wants marriage much more than the other, I'm not sure it's always a case of agreeable partners otherwise they'd perhaps just do it as you suggested.

But that's the issue isn't it, the old fashioned thing of a woman waiting around for her man to decide when they should be married or not. Like you say, it's a huge commitment so why is it the man gets to decide when that commitment happens?

Erictheavocado · 31/05/2023 09:52

I agree OP. DH and I decided together that we wanted to be married. We saved for a house deposit, the cost of the wedding and when we had enough, we set a date and told everyone. No proposal, no engagement rings, no parents paying for the wedding. This was over 40 years ago and I know we caused some consternation among some of the more 'traditional' relatives. Funnily enough, the one who was most supportive was my lovely Nan who told us it was our wedding and our marriage and we should do what we felt right.

Ragwort · 31/05/2023 09:54

Utterly cringe worthy, and from a different point of view in my circle of parents with adult DC the 'fathers' find it just as old fashioned if their DD's BF actually 'asks' permission to marry his DD. One father knew the boyfriend was a dick and really advised his DD not to marry this man but she was obsessed, BF asked for her 'hand in marriage' ... Dad felt he couldn't say 'no', although he did quite pointedly ask if he was really sure etc etc ... needless to say the marriage didn't last. Sad

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 31/05/2023 09:57

We're like you. We discussed it many times, then chose the venue where we wanted to get married, then chose a date, then invited people.
There was no proposal or engagement ring.
Don't see why everything has to be a performance, or why the man should decide.
The decision to marry should be thought through and discussed at length, surely?

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2023 09:58

People think its romantic I'd just leave them to it some people think getting married is more than a legal arrangement different strokes and all that

BenCoopersSupportWren · 31/05/2023 10:02

I can see both sides. DH and I agreed in our early days that neither of us were bothered about getting married (he'd been married before, I genuinely wasn't fussed/don't like being the centre of attention, neither of us wanted children together). And for eight years we were both happy like that. Then one evening he suddenly thought - as he told me afterwards - "I really want to be married to her!" and dropped to one knee there and then; no planning, no ring, completely spontaneous. And even though I was genuinely content as we were and had never hankered after marriage, I had no hesitation in saying yes.

(I picked my own engagement ring and we had a tiny relaxed wedding with no evening do so I still didn't have to be the centre of a big fuss, and it was perfect. That was over 20 years ago and we're still solid.)

bathty · 31/05/2023 10:03

Surely a proposal is just the question. It doesn't mean couples haven't discussed marriage or being on the same page