Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Why are marriage proposals still a thing?

231 replies

SleepingMurder · 31/05/2023 09:23

I don't get it one bit. DH and I discussed getting married, then started planning for it together, as we would with any major life decision. You wouldn't leave the timing of a major life decision or even whether it was going to happen to just one person in the relationship, why would it be any different when it comes to marriage? And yet I see so many posts about is he going to propose, when is he going to propose - and this is often after living together and having children! Surely there's no need to be coy about it? Why would you leave such a major decision that affects both people equally completely in the hands of one person (in 99% of cases, the male in a heterosexual relationship)?

Help me understand, wise folks of MN.

OP posts:
LeroyJenkinssss · 31/05/2023 12:04

There are aspects of proposals that I think are ridiculous and horrible - public massive proposals are incredibly manipulative unless there has been a lot of discussions in the lead up. The ones where the guy enlists all her family and friends or strangers at a public event - if she wants to say no she has to humiliate him in public!

my DH proposed, in fact I told him he’d have to ask my parents (not just my dad). Terribly unfeminist but I wanted it. It was lovely and romantic and he chose a beautiful ring that showed he knew me. Our private moment has nothing really to do with anyone apart from us.

what I was surprised by was at our marriage preparation classes (we’re Catholic), the deacon talked about major life decisions (children, ambitions etc) and we had already discussed this over the years. Apparently loads of couples haven’t had those fundamental discussions before getting engaged! Now I found that more vexing than proposals

lostinfusion · 31/05/2023 12:09

we did it your way OP after being together 15 years & owning a house together because it would be easier to sort out if anything happened to one of us, didn't even bother with an engagement ring.

I would have absolutely loved a proper traditional down on one knee proposal though

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 31/05/2023 12:10

I raised the issue of marriage and DH enthusiastically agreed. So I made him get out of bed, get down on one knee, and propose. It's a lovely memory.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
MyTruthIsOut · 31/05/2023 12:12

Before DH proposed we always used to casually joke about being married and neither of us made a big deal out of it because we always knew it was going to be on the cards one day. We just felt it.

I never had any “will he propose or won’t he angst” because we were both on the same page and although we hadn’t designated an exact time as to when it would happen, we both knew it ultimately would.

When he did propose it came completely out the blue and I will never, ever forget the way I felt. It was absolute elation, it was so amazing and I don’t think I have ever screamed or smiled so much. It wasn’t a big gesture or anything like that, but it was the surprise element of the proposal (on my part anyway) that absolutely took my breath away. The romance and happiness that was wrapped up in it was easily one of the next experiences of my life and it will always be an amazing memory to have.

Some people aren’t fussed about the romance and traditional side of it, but I think the majority of women are.

And the women who know they’re with the right person don’t have proposal angst or the need to post on internets asking when he’s going to propose, because they innately know marriage is a given.

3luckystars · 31/05/2023 12:13

Well, I think they are nice!

MyTruthIsOut · 31/05/2023 12:14

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 31/05/2023 12:10

I raised the issue of marriage and DH enthusiastically agreed. So I made him get out of bed, get down on one knee, and propose. It's a lovely memory.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Mine came home from work one day and just got down on one knee in the living room floor. It was very unexpected and exactly what I would have wished for.

gogohmm · 31/05/2023 12:16

Yes you need to decide as a couple but I would still like dp to propose in a romantic way, second marriage for both of us

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/05/2023 12:19

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:11

Does he also love all the jewellery you surprised him with? Which one of you did the surprise proposal first?

Show quote history

He doesn't wear jewellery (besides his wedding ring) so no. He loves other things I have surprised him with, as I presume is the case in any couple Confused

And I said upthread that he proposed to me. I'm glad that he did. If he hadn't and it had got to the point when I wanted to get married (which would've been before having DC - my parents were not married and it bothered me) then either I would've told him to propose or I would've proposed to him. I can't say exactly what I would've done as we weren't in that position.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/05/2023 12:20

*I mean was really desperate to get married. Of course I wanted to get married when I got married. I wouldn't have done it otherwise!

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 12:21

MyTruthIsOut · 31/05/2023 12:12

Before DH proposed we always used to casually joke about being married and neither of us made a big deal out of it because we always knew it was going to be on the cards one day. We just felt it.

I never had any “will he propose or won’t he angst” because we were both on the same page and although we hadn’t designated an exact time as to when it would happen, we both knew it ultimately would.

When he did propose it came completely out the blue and I will never, ever forget the way I felt. It was absolute elation, it was so amazing and I don’t think I have ever screamed or smiled so much. It wasn’t a big gesture or anything like that, but it was the surprise element of the proposal (on my part anyway) that absolutely took my breath away. The romance and happiness that was wrapped up in it was easily one of the next experiences of my life and it will always be an amazing memory to have.

Some people aren’t fussed about the romance and traditional side of it, but I think the majority of women are.

And the women who know they’re with the right person don’t have proposal angst or the need to post on internets asking when he’s going to propose, because they innately know marriage is a given.

So was it the case though that you'd have never arranged getting married until he'd proposed? Did you have a set timeline? Just curious as I know people say they've discussed marriage and it will be on the cards, just then wondering how long people are prepared to wait, and actually if they have a discussion e.g. 'lets get married next spring, so if you want to propose needs to be by then?'

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/05/2023 12:22

I feel exactly the same way as you @MyTruthIsOut . The day we got engaged was one of the happiest of my life, I can remember everything we did and how amazing it felt. There aren't all that many days like that where I can recall the whole thing from start to finish! (Wedding day and births of kids are probably the only other ones.)

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2023 12:26

MissTrip82 · 31/05/2023 10:17

Why are white dresses still a thing? Veils? Engagement rings? Changing your name? Being ‘given away’? I assume you did none of these things but you’re aware most people still do some of them.

There are lots of traditions that don’t make much sense now but people still like them and follow them. Surely this isn’t genuinely mystifying?

I don’t know anyone who hadn’t already discussed marriage, but also can’t think of any couples where there wasn’t a formal proposal along with various other traditional bits and bobs.

I ageew all these things are just symbolic pomp and ceremony it makes the engagement/wedding an even,t life would be dull imo if we didn't make an effort now and again.

ModestMoon · 31/05/2023 12:27

AsphaltGirl · 31/05/2023 11:16

So someone proposed marriage to you.

You don't want to marry them.

But you said yes? I don't understand this. Was it just so you could have a ring that proves a man chose you?

Show quote history

No, I wanted to get married, but I didn't want a traditional proposal. We'd already decided to get married by this point. Perhaps there some miscommunication (or as I suspect, his family persuaded him that I couldn't possibly mean it). I said yes because what else was I going to say? I did want to get married, and we were already planning on it. "No" would have been weird, and a false answer to the question, "do you want to marry me?"

Now we have both changed our minds about getting married, so I'm left with a nice ring which I sometimes wear.

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2023 12:27

Oh sorry about the typos .

JorisBonson · 31/05/2023 12:28

DH proposed to me out of the blue in a far flung, exotic location. I thought it was really romantic and I love remembering it, just as I love remembering our wedding day.

I've also posted today that I like weddings and hen dos, I'm properly going against the MN grain! 😬😂

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/05/2023 12:33

JorisBonson · 31/05/2023 12:28

DH proposed to me out of the blue in a far flung, exotic location. I thought it was really romantic and I love remembering it, just as I love remembering our wedding day.

I've also posted today that I like weddings and hen dos, I'm properly going against the MN grain! 😬😂

Haha I'm on that thread too and also love a wedding and hen do 😂

MyTruthIsOut · 31/05/2023 12:33

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 12:21

So was it the case though that you'd have never arranged getting married until he'd proposed? Did you have a set timeline? Just curious as I know people say they've discussed marriage and it will be on the cards, just then wondering how long people are prepared to wait, and actually if they have a discussion e.g. 'lets get married next spring, so if you want to propose needs to be by then?'

Show quote history

Not at all…..we both knew we wanted a future together and we both knew we wanted to be married before we had children.

We were about 27/28 years old when we met and I knew he didn’t want any children after the age of 35 so I knew that marriage would probably be on the cards at about the age of 30 which also suited me just fine. He proposed shortly after my 30th birthday.

If I was getting to 31/32 years old and marriage hadn’t been properly discussed/arranged then I would have spoken to him about it, but I knew it wouldn’t be the case.

TheLeadbetterLife · 31/05/2023 12:33

Marriage proposal, in the sense of a big surprise event that people make a fuss over, is a recent thing, surely?

It’s part of the wedding industry, which developed post-war, and especially post-Charles and Di. The concept of diamond engagement rings was invented by De Beers and had now become “tradition” in the same way that the John Lewis ad is apparently part of British Christmas. People are stupid, and advertisers know this.

pps have mentioned Jane Austen novels, but proposals aren’t some big palaver in those.

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2023 12:35

goodkidsmaadhouse · 31/05/2023 12:33

Haha I'm on that thread too and also love a wedding and hen do 😂

Show quote history

I've not been on a hen do for years but they are good fun.

One of my dc are getting married soon and I'm looking forward to it I love a wedding.

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2023 12:36

TheLeadbetterLife · 31/05/2023 12:33

Marriage proposal, in the sense of a big surprise event that people make a fuss over, is a recent thing, surely?

It’s part of the wedding industry, which developed post-war, and especially post-Charles and Di. The concept of diamond engagement rings was invented by De Beers and had now become “tradition” in the same way that the John Lewis ad is apparently part of British Christmas. People are stupid, and advertisers know this.

pps have mentioned Jane Austen novels, but proposals aren’t some big palaver in those.

How recent is recent though?

somethingslastforever · 31/05/2023 12:36

I look back at my proposal with very fond memories and I wouldn't classify myself as a romantic person. DH also picked my ring and it was exactly what I wanted and would have chosen Smile

Some men propose, other couples mutually agree to get married. Does it really matter? Not something I'd get my knickers in a twist over.

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 12:37

MyTruthIsOut · 31/05/2023 12:33

Not at all…..we both knew we wanted a future together and we both knew we wanted to be married before we had children.

We were about 27/28 years old when we met and I knew he didn’t want any children after the age of 35 so I knew that marriage would probably be on the cards at about the age of 30 which also suited me just fine. He proposed shortly after my 30th birthday.

If I was getting to 31/32 years old and marriage hadn’t been properly discussed/arranged then I would have spoken to him about it, but I knew it wouldn’t be the case.

Show quote history

That makes sense. I have seen posts on here before where it's a case they'll then be 31/32 and complaining he still hasn't proposed, and he keeps saying not quite yet, he will soon etc. I guess if you'd planned before hand for it to be when you're 30, when I got to 30 I probably would have been OK what date are we setting and where. But others seem to just hang on and on waiting for the man to do a proposal.

RampantIvy · 31/05/2023 12:39

I'm not sure what you mean by a proposal. Surely someone brings the subject up first?

I agree with you about performance proposals. I think they are rather naff and attention seeking, but each to their own.

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 12:39

Mrsjayy · 31/05/2023 12:35

I've not been on a hen do for years but they are good fun.

One of my dc are getting married soon and I'm looking forward to it I love a wedding.

Show quote history

Don't get me wrong I love a good wedding and hen do! They're not for me, I don't like attention, and me and DP are getting married whilst on holiday just the two of us, but I love attending other peoples 😄
It's the proposal or marriage in the first place, the idea of women waiting around for men to decide when they're getting married I find a bit strange.

MyTruthIsOut · 31/05/2023 12:42

EvelynKatie · 31/05/2023 12:37

That makes sense. I have seen posts on here before where it's a case they'll then be 31/32 and complaining he still hasn't proposed, and he keeps saying not quite yet, he will soon etc. I guess if you'd planned before hand for it to be when you're 30, when I got to 30 I probably would have been OK what date are we setting and where. But others seem to just hang on and on waiting for the man to do a proposal.

Show quote history

We hadn’t planned it would be when I was 30, I just assumed it would be at around that age because of his preferred timeline around having children.

Ultimately I knew he wanted children by the age of 35 and that he was adamant he wanted to be married before we had children. I knew he wouldn’t propose until we were at the point in life where we wanted to start a family and that’s what happened. We started trying for a baby straight after the wedding so the marriage was just the first part of the process of taking the next step into our future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread